Humour Unlimited [Archive]

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:02 AM

Several men are in the locker room of a golf
club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:02 AM

Secret of a happy married life

Once Bips asked Gaurav, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Gaurav : "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

Bips :, "Can you explain?"

Gaurav : "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, Bips asked, "Give me some examples".

Gaurav: "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

Bips:"Then what is your role?"

Gaurav: "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:03 AM

The secrets of a happy marriage ...

Tools,
Internet options,
Clear history,
Delete files,
Delete cookies.

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:04 AM

THIS MOUSE IS NO MORE

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http://www.comedy-zone.net/pictures/images/work/140503/mouse.jpg

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:04 AM

Employees of a Software Company are all worried. Some are roaming around.

Some are in Loud discussions during office time.....

Some Trainees, who had just joined,notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, They asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager(Runal)

They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
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"About a litre."

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:05 AM

http://rajnijokes.info/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Rajnikanth-Search-Engine.jpg

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:06 AM

New generation girl's wish:

I don't want any prince charming coming on white horse.

I would rather die for a vampire in a BMW !!!!!!

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:06 AM

A factory had a policy of hiring only married men.
Concerned about this, a local Woman's Liberation Front Leader called on the CEO and asked him sharply, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you consider women as weak, dumb,cantankerous, or do you consider us tantrum throwers, bossy and so on,?"

Not at all, Ma'am," the CEO replied."It is because our Policy is to hire staff who are used to obeying orders without questioning,whoare accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and put up withanything when I yell at them."

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:07 AM

Ek bar supreet aur lax ki khub pitai hui

kyu

Dono Birthday party mai muft ka khana khatey hue pakre gaye,

aur puchne par kehne lage
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"Hum larki walo ki taraf se hai

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:08 AM

Boys ka common sense zero hota hai

Kaise???????

Gents toilet me likh kar aayenge

"Priya I Love you"

Ab kya priya waha padhne jaati hai !!!!!!!!!

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:09 AM

When no money: Eats vegetables at home

When has money: Eats the same vegetables at hotel

When no money: Rides bicycle.

When has money: Rides exercise machine.

When no money: Walks to earn food

When has money: Walks to lose fat.

When no money: Wants to get married

When has money: Wants to get divorced

When no money: Acts like a rich man

When has money: Acts like a poor man.

Man never means what he says and never says what he means !!!!!!!

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:10 AM

5 deadly questions by wife

1. Are your free this Sunday for shopping?

2. Do I look fat?

3. Is that lady beautiful than me?

4. You love me?

5. You want me as your wife in next birth also?

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:10 AM

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily nipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

And then the fight started, the doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...

ndhebar

23-04-2011, 10:13 AM

When no money: Walks to earn food

When has money: Walks to lose fat.

Too good ...............

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:15 AM

a machine that catches thieves

In the U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves; they took it to different countries for a test.

In U.S.A itself, in 30 minutes, the machine caught 20 thieves;

In UK, in 30 minutes it caught more than 50 thieves;

In Spain, in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves;

In Ghana, in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves;

India, THEY CAUGHT NOBODY … … … in 15 minutes the machine was stolen.

One such machine was imported in Pakistan 10 years ago, Customs not decided ITP value yet - awaiting clearance

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:18 AM

Too good ...............

thanks bro...

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:18 AM

In 3 lines, I can sum up everything, I learned

About life: It goes on

About love: It doesn't last

About people: They change fast !!!!!!

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:20 AM

Officer-What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir
...
Officer: Your Father’s Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir

Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass

Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: And What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Money Problem Sir

Officer: Describe Your Personality
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir

Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now.
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Is It Now
Candidate: My Performance. ..?

Officer: M.P!!!
Candidate: What Is That Sir?

Officer: Mental Problems...!

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:20 AM

Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS,

1,Too Many Questions.

2,Difficult to Understand.

3,More Explanation is Needed.

4,Result is always FAIL!

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:21 AM

Duniya badal gayi hai chatting se
Hoti hai ab hacking chatting se
Hoti thi ladkian subah shaam hamari gali mein
Nikalna hogaya unka band chatting se

Kyunki hoti hain ab to setting chatting se
Duniya ho gayi hai bekar chatting se
Hoti hain kharab aakhein chatting se

Pehle karte hum dost baatein hotelon mein
Peetay the chai waghera hotelon mein
Khoob hoti thi masti hotelon mein
Khelte the mazaa kiya karte the
Ab to hoti hai baat to who bhi chatting se

Bekaar hogaya hai telephone chatting se
Hojaati hai ab voice chat chatting se
Pata nahin tha kya matlab hota hai ASL ka
Pata chal gaye sare matlab chatting se

Ho rahein hain badnam Log chatting se
Karta nahin koi angrez baatein humse chatting se
Kehtay hain k aati hai English chatting se
Main kehtha hoon hogayi hai English kharab chatting se

Hoti thi bari dhoom dhaam se shadi
Nikah ho raha hain ab chatting se
Ab to aisa lagta hai key janab
Mohabbat hogayee hai chatting se....!!!

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:22 AM

Kabi kushi kabi gam..
Mere msg na honge kum...

Kabi alvida na kahna..
msg karte rehna...

Dhoom..
Mere posting padh kar jhum...

Phir hera pheri..
Ab posting ki teri bari ...

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:31 AM

The company has discontinued all physical fitness programs since everyone gets enough exercise by:-
jumping to conclusions,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
pushing their luck,
shuffling papers,
and playing hide and seek.

anjaan

23-04-2011, 10:32 AM

Java Interview

Q. What is the difference between an Abstract class and Interface?
A. Terms are different ... nothing more

Q. What is JFC ?
A. Jilebi, Fanta & Coffee

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have 3 tyres.

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server? Which methodology will follow?
A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Sorry, Non living things cant communicate.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the difference between Process and Threads?
A. Threads are small ropes. Making a rope from threads is an example for process.

Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.

Q. How will you call an Applet from a _Java Script?
A. I will give invitation.

Q. What is bean? Where it can be used?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed, a binary tree will grow.

ndhebar

23-04-2011, 10:56 AM

5 ke bich men 4 likhkar bataao ?

China : Don't joke

Japan : Imposible

Amerikan : Wrong question

Uk : Not on google

Indian : Easy
"F(IV)E"

So proud to be indian

Nitikesh

23-04-2011, 12:46 PM

Printing mistake in Question paper : " Prove that 2/10=0.2 " is wrongly printed that " 2/10=2 "

Rocking students answered as below,

2 = TWO,

10 = TEN

TWO / TEN = WO / EN

W = 23, O = 15 (As alphabetic order)

E=5, N=14 (As alphabetic order)

W+O= 23+15 = 38

E+N= 5+14 = 19

So, 38 / 19 = 2

Hence proved !

this one is nice!

amit_tiwari

23-04-2011, 01:19 PM

Nice and amazingly fresh jokes. Keep it up brother!!!

ndhebar

01-05-2011, 08:07 AM

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

ndhebar

01-05-2011, 08:26 AM

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

It is recommended that you NOT try this at home!!!!

amit_tiwari

01-05-2011, 08:32 AM

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
It is recommended that you NOT try this at home!!!![/SIZE][/FONT][/B]

:crazyeyes::crazyeyes::crazyeyes::crazyeyes::bravo ::bravo:

ndhebar

01-05-2011, 08:33 AM

This is the best I have read in a LONG time

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy

Therefore:
Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work

In other words,
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
Equation 2

Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money

Therefore:
Man-earn money = Donkey

In other words,
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
Equation 3

Woman= eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Woman = Donkey + spend
Woman - spend = Donkey

In other words,
Woman who doesn't spend = Donkey

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
To Conclude:
From Equation 2 and Equation 3

Man who doesn't earn money = Woman who doesn't spend

So Man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!

So, We have:
Man + Woman = Donkey + earn money + Donkey + Spend money

Therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude

Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys that live happily together!

amit_tiwari

01-05-2011, 09:02 AM

this is the best i have read in a long time

equation 1

human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
donkey = eat + sleep

therefore:
Human = donkey + work + enjoy

therefore:
Human-enjoy = donkey + work

in other words,
a human that doesn't know how to enjoy = donkey that works.

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
equation 2

man = eat + sleep + earn money
donkey = eat + sleep

therefore:
Man = donkey + earn money

therefore:
Man-earn money = donkey

in other words,
man who doesn't earn money = donkey

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
equation 3

woman= eat + sleep + spend
donkey = eat + sleep

therefore:
Woman = donkey + spend
woman - spend = donkey

in other words,
woman who doesn't spend = donkey

++++++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++++++ +
to conclude:
from equation 2 and equation 3

man who doesn't earn money = woman who doesn't spend

so man earns money not to let woman become a donkey!
And a woman spends not to let the man become a donkey!

so, we have:
man + woman = donkey + earn money + donkey + spend money

therefore from postulates 1 and 2, we can conclude

man + woman = 2 donkeys that live happily together!

हेहेहे सही गणित लगाया है भाई

ndhebar

03-05-2011, 08:52 PM

A little girl complained to her father, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!"

Trying to be funny, her father joked, "But honey, you already have a sister!"

Confused, the toddler asked, "I do?"

"Sure," her dad said, pulling the kid's chain. "You don't see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!"

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, "You mean just like my other daddy!"

amit_tiwari

04-05-2011, 05:15 PM

ndhebar

06-05-2011, 01:07 PM

The maid did not show up for work so the house wife called her in excited, angry voice and scolded her.
(http://groups.fropki.com/)
"What is wrong with you? If you were not to come you should have told me."
(http://groups.fropki.com/)
Maid explained, "Ma'am I had already announced that on my facebook site that I am taking a trip to Mexico for a week to see my family. Ma'am you should remain updated reading Facebook. If you still had question then you should have asked."
(http://groups.fropki.com/)
Wife: "So you are on Facebook too?"
(http://groups.fropki.com/)
Maid: "Ma'am who is not? Every time I announce on Facebook your husband sends me well wishes, sympathy and help. This time he said have a nice trip home, enjoy and comeback soon as I will miss you. He pleaded, please save me from my wife's cooking."
(http://groups.fropki.com/)
Wife inquired: "But how did you get money to go to Mexico?"
(http://groups.fropki.com/)
Maid: Well husband of your neighbor was quite sympathetic when he read me on Facebook so he offered me money. He told me in two days he will also fly to Mexico where he will meet me and we go to Cancun resort together. I agreed, since your husband had done the same thing to his maid two weeks earlier, I was jealous." (http://groups.fropki.com/)

ndhebar

08-05-2011, 12:37 PM

MINDBLOWING: Dialogues in English

1) U can study and get any certificates. But ucannot get ur death certificate

2) U may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection but when usneeze u ll say HUTCH

3 ) U can bcome an engineer if u study inengineering college. U cannot bcom a president if u studies in Presidency College.

4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop ... ucannot expect a FULL from FULL stop

5) A mechanical engineer can bcom a mechanic but asoftware engineer cannot bcom a software

6 ) U can find tea in teacup. But cannot find worldin world cup
(http://xqno.com/binb)

7) U can find keys in Keyboard but u cannot find mother in motherboard.

abhisays

08-05-2011, 02:51 PM

Introduction:
Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)
Developer (Mukesh Thakur)

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in
username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep
sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it
fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in
some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry
is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has
Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt
speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use
head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is
Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my
machine, but
My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound
as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The
Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do
You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them
uniform?
Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep
Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces
Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces
Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all
machines.

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur : Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the
Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both
The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello : I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur : What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for
re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at
different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of
the
two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the
acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why
sound intensity
is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the
bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello : I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested
The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same
Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested,
I found that
intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur : GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the
Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background
noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because
of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello : No need for that. We will put the machines and run
them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur: ??
Result-----------------------
He is now in mental asylum while Roshan D'Mello has become QA Manager....:-)

ndhebar

18-05-2011, 08:56 PM

Advantages of a GUN over WIFE

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

My favorite is second one:crazyeyes:

ndhebar

18-05-2011, 09:34 PM

Which is the most Dangerous

Letter in English ??

The Answer is "W"...as in Wrong

"W" is a tension generator...

because all the worries and troubles get begins with "W"...

Who ? Why? (http://xqno.com/binb)
(http://xqno.com/binb)

What ? When ?

Which ? Whom??

Where ?

War...

Wine...Whisky... Women...

Wealth

And finally .......

You have to accept this :

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.......

WIFE.....

ndhebar

25-05-2011, 10:15 PM

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman"..

ndhebar

25-05-2011, 10:16 PM

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

ndhebar

25-05-2011, 10:18 PM

BOY & GIRL

(http://groups.fropki.com)BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...
GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

ndhebar

29-05-2011, 01:04 PM

who made Ganesh to Anesh...????
(http://www.funnypicturesjoke.com/funny/2011/05/bakwaas-bandh-kar-joke)
(http://www.funnypicturesjoke.com/funny/2011/05/bakwaas-bandh-kar-joke)
ThinK......
(http://www.funnypicturesjoke.com/funny/2011/05/bakwaas-bandh-kar-joke)
(http://www.funnypicturesjoke.com/funny/2011/05/bakwaas-bandh-kar-joke)
Think......
(http://www.funnypicturesjoke.com/funny/2011/05/bakwaas-bandh-kar-joke)
(http://www.funnypicturesjoke.com/funny/2011/05/bakwaas-bandh-kar-joke)
okay.....
(http://www.funnypicturesjoke.com/funny/2011/05/bakwaas-bandh-kar-joke)
(http://www.funnypicturesjoke.com/funny/2011/05/bakwaas-bandh-kar-joke)
" KAILASH KHER "
(http://www.funnypicturesjoke.com/funny/2011/05/bakwaas-bandh-kar-joke)
(http://www.funnypicturesjoke.com/funny/2011/05/bakwaas-bandh-kar-joke)
tere naam se " G " loon....

ndhebar

29-05-2011, 01:28 PM

Two Nuns

There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical, arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical,.
Then Sister Logical, arrives.
SM: Sister Logical,! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
Say two Hail Marys!

ndhebar

07-06-2011, 10:14 AM

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....
*
*
*

'What's a headache?'

dipu

08-06-2011, 10:56 AM

nice one ...................

Sakshi.R

08-06-2011, 03:29 PM

Universal truth we learnt-

"Sun rises in the east"

Fact-

Sun neither rises nor sets, only Earth rotates.

Moral- Education kills our common sense. :bang-head:

ndhebar

08-06-2011, 10:32 PM

New generation way to insult :

A guy to a rude girl :- If i ever wanted to commit suicide...
I will jump from your ego level to your IQ level

amit_tiwari

09-06-2011, 11:24 AM

Universal truth we learnt-

"Sun rises in the east"

Fact-

Sun neither rises nor sets, only Earth rotates.

Moral- Education kills our common sense. :bang-head:

New generation way to insult :

A guy to a rude girl :- If i ever wanted to commit suicide...
I will jump from your ego level to your IQ level

:bravo::bravo::bravo::bravo:

dipu

09-06-2011, 01:17 PM

Education kills our common sense

बहुत बढिया

Sakshi.R

14-06-2011, 06:58 PM

A Man Joind FACEBOOK
His Son Wrote On
His Wall
“W T F Dad”
Man Rplied:
Wht8 D Hell ,
U’ve No Respect 4 Me ?
Kid Rplied:
Dad Chill It Means
“Welcome To Facebook” :p :D

jitendragarg

14-06-2011, 07:12 PM

Universal truth we learnt-

"Sun rises in the east"

Fact-

Sun neither rises nor sets, only Earth rotates.

Moral- Education kills our common sense. :bang-head:

Reminds me of a quote... goes something like this,

"I was born intelligent, education ruined me".

Sakshi.R

14-06-2011, 07:36 PM

Changing Exam Pattern-----

In 1990- Answer all Questions,

In 2005- Answer any 5 questions,

In 2015- Read only questions,

In 2020- Thanx for coming, Aap aae, Bahar aai........ :D

Sakshi.R

15-06-2011, 11:46 AM

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord: “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies: “A second.”

The man asks: “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies: “A penny.”

The man asks: “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies: “Wait a second.” :giggle:

Sakshi.R

15-06-2011, 11:50 AM

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

Sakshi.R

15-06-2011, 11:57 AM

Math Teacher : If a=b and b=c then a=c, now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.

Student : I love you sir and you love your daughter which means I love your daughter.

Sakshi.R

15-06-2011, 11:59 AM

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said, it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

Sakshi.R

15-06-2011, 12:19 PM

Insurance matter

A man has a headache and goes to see the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news and good news. The bad new is that you have a brain tumor.

The good news is that we can do a brain transplant, and we have just admoitted a couple who was in a car accident. We can get you one of their brains. The male brain will cost your insurance company $100,000, and the female brain will cost $30,000."

The man says "I hate to be rude, but why does the male brain cost so much more than the female brain?" The doctor replies "Because the male brain has never been used." ;)

Sakshi.R

15-06-2011, 12:39 PM

The old one........

Movies and their meaning to software professionals

Sajan Chale Sasural : Computer professional coming to US.
1942 a Love story : Sticking to one company for more than a year.
Dil to Pagal Hai : Staying in India, dreaming of US.
Sapnay : Green card.
Sadma : Rejected H-1(B) Visa.
Khalnayak : Bodyshoppers.
Deewana Mastana : Project Manager - Team Leader.
Beta : Home Phone bill exceeding $400pm.
Rakhwala : Project Manager.
Mr. Bechara : Computer professional in Singapore.
Zanjeer : Company bond.
Himmatwala : Breaking company bond.
Tohfa : H-4 Visa for your Wife.
Mawaali : Before coming to US.
Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman : Once you are in US.
Chaudhvin ka Chand : Assembly programmer.
Sahib Bibi aur Ghulam : Client, your company and you.
Shehanshah : Bill Gates.
Admi Sadak Ka : Jumping from company to company.
Dayawan : Company paying full salary in bench
Anari : Year2000 programmer.
Phool Aur Kaanten : Microsoft - IBM.
Aaj Ka Gunda Raaj : Microsoft Monopoly in IT market.
Maharaja : Doctors who came to US in 70's
Hairaan : Non-Computer professionals on seeing computer professional's pay-check.
Hum Aapke Hain Koun : Illegal Immigrants in US
Aur Pyar Ho Gaya : After staying in US for a Year.
Pardes : India after 2 Years.
Daud : Coming to US.
Rangeela : After getting Green Card.
Bahaar Aane Tak : Time period between Green Card and Citizenship.
Desh Premee : Going back to India for good
Farz : Going to India every year.
Pyaasa : Longing for a Visa.
Agneepath : Going to Madras Consulate for getting a Visa.
Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar : After coming from consulate with a Visa.
Bud Naseeb : Not getting a Visa
Himalaya Putra : Firmly asking for $70k from India
Elan-E-Jung : Asking for increment
Gupt : Agreement of Programmer with number of consultants.
Zakmee : After getting rejected twice for a Visa.
Swarg Se Sundar : on landing in US.
Ab Kya Hoga? : Applied for Green Card too late.
Jallad : INS People.
Kranti : Increase H-1 quota.
Main Khiladi Tu Anari : You and Immigration Officer.

arvind

17-06-2011, 05:49 PM

Universal truth we learnt-

"Sun rises in the east"

Fact-

Sun neither rises nor sets, only Earth rotates.

Moral- Education kills our common sense. :bang-head:

:lol::lol::lol::lol:
बहुत बढ़िया है......

ndhebar

17-06-2011, 06:04 PM

A Perfect Substitute to Husbandly Problems

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
(http://www.fropki.com/funny-crazy-strange-pics-vf47.html)

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=11154&stc=1&d=1308315871

then adopt a dog.
(http://www.fropki.com/funny-crazy-strange-pics-vf47.html)

ndhebar

17-06-2011, 06:11 PM

The man says "I hate to be rude, but why does the male brain cost so much more than the female brain?" The doctor replies "Because the male brain has never been used." ;)

The man says "ok" and asked again "why female brain cost much lesser.
The doctor says with a smile :giggle: "Because the female brain is empty":crazyeyes:

Sakshi.R

19-06-2011, 08:43 AM

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree".

Sakshi.R

19-06-2011, 08:59 AM

All scientist failed to answer this question but Rajini did...

Q. Which is the liquid which turns solid on heating?

Ans. Dosa.

Yana rascala, Mind it!

abhisays

19-06-2011, 06:10 PM

Wonderful one minute….

One smart Software engineer and his Project Manager were traveling towards Pune in a train.
Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grand ma.
With in some time, Eye-Eye interactions started between Our Software engineer & that girl.
After some minutes, train started moving in to a tunnel and it was very dark.
Suddenly, everybody heard a Kiss sound followed by a loud slapping sound.
Everybody remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.
Grand ma thought that,” The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is? He has kissed my granddaughter! But my Granddaughter is genuine; she immediately slapped that guy.”
That girl thought that,” I feel happy, when that guy kissed me, but I feel sorry that my grand ma has slapped him”.
PM thought that,” I can’t believe that this guy has kissed that girl! But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake”
Finally, the Software engineer thought?
“This one minute in my life is wonderful, it hardly comes…because, at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my PM.”
Enjoy every moment !!!!!

ndhebar

19-06-2011, 06:31 PM

very funny
old stuff but a brand new flevor

jai_bhardwaj

24-06-2011, 01:54 PM

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand".

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand".

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill Gates responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

jai_bhardwaj

24-06-2011, 02:02 PM

Commerce professor asks the student: what is the most important source of finance for starting business?

Student: "Father in law".

jai_bhardwaj

24-06-2011, 02:03 PM

If Jayalalita Wins
in the Next Election
and Becomes the
CM again,
What would the
Public say.?

?

?

"The Mummy Returns"

jai_bhardwaj

24-06-2011, 02:04 PM

First line to write in exams:
"All the answers written below
are imaginary and work of my creative mind.
Any resemblance to text book
is unintentional and purely accidental"

jai_bhardwaj

24-06-2011, 02:18 PM

A father asks peon of a college: How are the studies in this college? Where do I see my son in future?
Peon: The future is bright, I had also completed my engineering from the same college!

jai_bhardwaj

24-06-2011, 02:52 PM

Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.

Her mother replied: "Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause."

Sakshi.R

25-06-2011, 02:07 PM

Funny But Reality,

Our Parents Spend The First Years of Our Lives Teaching Us To Walk And Talk,

......
And The Next All Years Telling Us To Sit Down And Shut up" :(

Sakshi.R

25-06-2011, 02:10 PM

The Hardest Reality of Life Is that,
When you Need Advice,

Everyone is Ready to Help you.

But

When you Need Help,
Everyone is ready to Advice you.

Sakshi.R

25-06-2011, 02:14 PM

'''Even a small dot can stop a big sentence.
but...
few more dots can give a continuity'''

Amazing but true
Every ending can be a beginning.

Sakshi.R

25-06-2011, 02:16 PM

WHERE DID LOVE BORN ?
Guess,
think.

Simple.... in CHINA,
Because it has no warranty and No guarantee. :giggle:

Sakshi.R

25-06-2011, 02:18 PM

From: TejasMehta@aol.com
Subject: Yeh Prem Patra Padhkar, Tum Naraz Na Hona...

Johnny Mera Naam
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Teesri Manzil
China Town

Date: Nav Do Gyarah

My Dear ‘Anamica':

You must be surprised to receive this ‘Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my
‘Pahechan' to you as ‘Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an
‘Awaara', I am also your ‘Deewana'.

I am making you a ‘Prarthna' to enter my ‘Zindagi' as a ‘Priyatama'. Even
though I do not have any ‘Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my
‘Dream Girl' with ‘Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only ‘Do Raaste' left
for me. One is to get your love by ‘Tyag' or to go the ‘Rangeela' way.

Wouldn't you like to be ‘Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are ‘Lakhon Mein Ek'? I
also hope that you will ‘Guide' me in ‘Bahar' as we are made for ‘Ek Duje Ke
Liye'.

We will live in ‘Naya Zamana' where we will have a ‘Suhana Safar'. In this
‘Himalay Ki God Mein', our ‘Bandhan' is going to tied with ‘Preet Ki Dor'. I
hope that we will have nothing but ‘Anand' in ‘Ye Dillagi'.

Aren't you bored of ‘Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this ‘Baazigar' be your
‘Boy Friend' and we start ‘Pehli Mohabbat'. This ‘Chahat' is going to lead
to a ‘Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for ‘Aao Pyar Karen'.
Now, ‘Phir Kab Miloge' as ‘Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is
‘Himalay Se Uncha' and hopefully our ‘Mulakat' will be ‘An Evening in Paris'.
‘Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!

‘Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'
-- Prem Pujaari

Sakshi.R

25-06-2011, 02:23 PM

Laloo Hamara Neta

What would be changed if Laloo Prasad
becomes India's Prime Minister:
1. National Anthem : Khana Pina Adhik Zaroorat hai...
2. National Attire : Dhoti & Kurta
3. National Drink : Fresh Buffalo Milk
4. National Animal : Buffalo, from Bihar
5. National Sport : Milking Buffalo (morning)
Buffalo Race (evening)
6. Corporate Language : Enlish-va
7. National Toy : A. K. 58
8. National Family Planning Policy : Hum Do, Humare Dozen
9. National Documentry Film : Laloo Ban Gaya Gentleman
10. National Vehicle : Buffalo Cart
11. National Recreation : Pro-creation

Laloo's Slogan:

Jab Tak Rahega Samosa Me Aloo,
Tab Tak Rahega Hamara P.M. Laloo

Sakshi.R

25-06-2011, 02:25 PM

Top Ten Ways You Know You Are A Desi Engineer

10. You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
9. You're aware that computers are actually only good for playing games.
8. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your car tires.
7. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
6. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
5. Your IQ is lower than your weight.
4. You stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
3. You can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
2. Your wife hasn't got the foggiest idea what you do at work.
1.You introduce your wife as mylady@wife.home.

anjaan

26-06-2011, 10:10 AM

Thanks guys for sharing your humorous clips, stories, jokes and incidents.

ndhebar

29-06-2011, 01:17 PM

Sherlock Puzzle

A wife and her husband were driving in their car on the highway. All of a sudden, they ran out of gas. So the husband said to the wife, 'Now, you stay here. I will go down the highway to the nearest gas station, and I will be about 1 hour. Just listen to the radio and read some books, and remember to lock all the windows and doors. I will leave the keys with you.' So, off the husband went, and the wife first locked ALL the windows and doors. Next, she turned on the radio, and this is what she heard on the news report:

'THERE IS A MURDERER ON THE LOOSE. HE WAS LAST SEEN ON THE HIGHWAY, WEARING ALL BLACK, ABOUT 5 FOOT 11 INCHES. PLEASE, BE AWARE AND CONTACT THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY.' The wife got very scared. She turned off the radio and double checked the locked doors. Then she saw the murderer, only a couple feet away from the car. An hour later, the husband returned to his car. Inside the car, his wife was DEAD, she had been murdered. All the windows were still locked, and the doors. No windows were broken, and the car was in PERFECT condition. No scratches or anything, it was the same way as when he left it. How did the murderer kill the wife?Yo dont need to be sherlock holmes to solve this ??

For Solution:
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
bcoz the car had no roof :lol::lol::lol:

jai_bhardwaj

02-07-2011, 06:50 PM

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"

abhisays

03-07-2011, 08:59 AM

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Um...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make 25,000 bucks?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone.

"What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What! There's no pool here?" "Uh... is this 2263841?"

anjaan

03-07-2011, 06:37 PM

Aakhir Munni Badnaam Kyun Hui [The Ultimate Truth]
Munni Badnaam Hui, Aakhir Kyun..?

Munni nahaney gyi

Darwaza Baja

Munni: KON..??

Jawab Aaya: Bibi Jee, Postman.

Munni ne kaprey Pehney, Letter Le Liya.

Phir Baathroom Gyi

Kaprey Utaarey

Darwaza Baja

Munni: KON

Jawab Aaya: Bibi Jee, Dhobi.

Munni ne Kaprey Pehney, Hisaab kiya.

Phir Bathroom Gyi

Kaprey Utaarey

Darwaaza Baja

Munni:KON

Jawab Aaya: Main hhuun Anwar.

Munni ne socha Anwar tou parosi ka larka hai aur ANDHA hai aisey hi chali jaati hhuun.

Munni kaprey pehney baghair darwaaze pe gyi.

Anwar: Yeh Lijiye Meethaaii.

Munni : Kiss liye..?

Anwar: Meri nazar Waapas Aa gyi hai.

AUR ISS TARHA MUNNI BADNAAM HUI.

anjaan

03-07-2011, 06:38 PM

2 Most Difficult Things to Achieve

Two things in life that are difficult to achieve:

1. To plant your idea in someone's head.

2. To plant someone's money in your own pocket.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

* The one who succeeds in the former- is a 'teacher'.

* The one who succeeds in the latter- is a 'boss'.

* The one who succeeds in both is a 'wife'.

* The one who fails in both is a 'husband'!

anjaan

03-07-2011, 06:39 PM

Women Drivers

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........

This morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her

Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds...

to continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;

I dropped

My electric shaver

Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car

Using my knees against

The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Cell Phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs!

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
Important call.

Damn women drivers

anjaan

03-07-2011, 06:40 PM

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! To kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

anjaan

03-07-2011, 06:41 PM

Banta walks into a bar for a bar and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"

Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and left a note saying, "Enjoy, I just spit into the beer." He then ran outside to see what had happened.

When Banta returned he was delighted to find that his beer was just where he left it.

However this time the note said: "You enjoy, I spit in it too!"

anjaan

03-07-2011, 06:42 PM

I'm the boss in my house

A man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss,
I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed."

One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?"

The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"

anjaan

03-07-2011, 06:43 PM

A mouse was dancing & enjoying

A mouse was dancing & enjoying in a Lion's Wedding. An Elephant was surprised to see this and asked:

Hey Buddy, Why are YOU dancing & enjoying so much?

Mouse continued enjoying & dancing & replied calmly:

You may not be knowing, but before my marriage, even I was a Lion.

anjaan

03-07-2011, 06:43 PM

Not the flight instructor?

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that
a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.

He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the
plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

anjaan

03-07-2011, 06:44 PM

10 Classic Indianisms: 'Doing the needful' and more

How to fix grammatically-insane phrases found in common Indian English

"Do one thing...take this piece of chalk..."

We are a unique species, aren’t we? Not humans. Indians, I mean. No other race speaks or spells like we do.

Take greetings for example.

A friendly clerk asking me for my name is apt to start a conversation with, “What is your good name?” As if I hold that sort of information close to my heart and only divulge my evil pseudonym. Bizarre.

I call these Indianisms.

Which got me thinking about a compilation, a greatest hits of the 10 most hilarious Indianisms out there. And here they are. The most common ones, and my favorites among them.

1. 'Passing out'

When you complete your studies at an educational institution, you graduate from that institution.
You do not "pass out" from that institution.
To "pass out" refers to losing consciousness, like after you get too drunk, though I’m not sure how we managed to connect graduating and intoxication.
Oh wait … of course, poor grades throughout the year could lead to a sudden elation on hearing you’ve passed all of your exams, which could lead to you actually "passing out," but this is rare at best.

2. 'Kindly revert'

One common mistake we make is using the word revert to mean reply or respond.
Revert means "to return to a former state."
I can’t help thinking of a sarcastic answer every time this comes up.
“Please revert at the earliest.”
“Sure, I’ll set my biological clock to regress evolutionarily to my original primitive hydrocarbon state at 12 p.m. today."

3. 'Years back'

If it happened in the past, it happened years ago, not "years back."
Given how common this phrase is, I’m guessing the first person who switched "ago" for "back" probably did it years back. See what I mean?
And speaking of "back," asking someone to use the backside entrance sounds so wrong.
“So when did you buy this car?”
“Oh, years back.”
“Cool, can you open the backside? I’d like to get a load in.”

4. 'Doing the needful'

Try to avoid using the phrase "do the needful." It went out of style decades ago, about the time the British left.
Using it today indicates you are a dinosaur, a dinosaur with bad grammar.
You may use the phrase humorously, to poke fun at such archaic speech, or other dinosaurs.
“Will you do the needful?”
“Of course, and I’ll send you a telegram to let you know it's done too.”

5. 'Discuss about'

“What shall we discuss about today?”
“Let’s discuss about politics. We need a fault-ridden topic to mirror our bad grammar.”
You don't "discuss about" something; you just discuss things.
The word "discuss" means to "talk about". There is no reason to insert the word "about" after "discuss."
That would be like saying "talk about about." Which "brings about" me to my next peeve.

6. 'Order for'

"Hey, let’s order for a pizza."
"Sure, and why not raid a library while we’re about it.”
When you order something, you "order" it, you do not "order for" it.
Who knows when or why we began placing random prepositions after verbs?
Perhaps somewhere in our history someone lost a little faith in the "doing" word and added "for" to make sure their order would reach them. They must have been pretty hungry.

7. 'Do one thing'

When someone approaches you with a query, and your reply begins with the phrase "do one thing," you're doing it wrong.
"Do one thing" is a phrase that does not make sense.
It is an Indianism. It is only understood in India. It is not proper English. It is irritating.
There are better ways to begin a reply. And worst of all, any person who starts a sentence with "do one thing" invariably ends up giving you at least five things to do.
“My computer keeps getting hung.”
“Do one thing. Clear your history. Delete your cookies. Defrag your hardrive. Run a virus check. Restart your computer... .”

8. 'Out of station'

“Sorry I can’t talk right now, I’m out of station.”
“What a coincidence, Vijay, I’m in a station right now.”
Another blast from the past, this one, and also, extremely outdated.
What's wrong with "out of town" or "not in Mumbai" or my favorite "I'm not here"?

9. The big sleep

"I’m going to bed now, sleep is coming."
"OK, say hi to it for me."
While a fan of anthropomorphism, I do have my limits. "Sleep is coming" is taking things a bit too far.
Your life isn’t a poem. You don’t have to give body cycles their own personalities.

10. 'Prepone'

“Let’s prepone the meeting from 11 a.m. to 10 a.m.”
Because the opposite of postpone just has to be prepone, right?
"Prepone" is probably the most famous Indianism of all time; one that I’m proud of, and that I actually support as a new entry to all English dictionaries.
Because it makes sense. Because it fills a gap. Because we need it. We’re Indians, damn it. Students of chaos theory.

We don’t have the time to say silly things like "could you please bring the meeting forward."
Prepone it is.

abhisays

11-07-2011, 08:42 AM

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don’t have class ‘coz my teacher is busy. Let’s spend the week together.

Grandpa(the boss) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we canceled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has canceled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can’t give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don’t worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement .

This is called DEAD LOCK

abhisays

13-08-2011, 07:49 PM

GIRLS Are Hard To Please
Go tro' dis and Njoy!

The problems with gals:

If u treat her nicely , she says u are IN LOVE with her;
If u don't , she says u are PROUD.
If u dress Nicely , she says u r trying to LURE her;
If u dont , she says u r from KAMPUNG.
If u argue with her , she says u r STUBBORN;
If u keep quiet , she says u have no BRAINS.
If u r smarter than her , she'll lose FACE;
If she is smarter than u , she is GREAT.
If u dont love her , she tries to POSSESS u;
If u love her, she will try to leave u. (very true huh?)
If u tell her ur PROBLEM , she says u r TROUBLESOME;
If u dont, she says that u dont trust her.
If u scold her , u r like a NANI to her;
If she scolds u , it is because she CARES 4 u.
If u BREAK ur PROMISE , u can't be trusted;
If she BREAKS her , she is FORCED 2 do so.
If u smoke , u r a BAD boy;
If she smokes , she is a new era GIRL.
If u do well in ur exams , she says it's LUCK;
If she does well , it's BRAINS.
If u hurt her , u r CRUEL;
If she hurts u , u r too sensitive!! & so hard to please!!!!

The moral of the story is..........SEND THIS TO GALS OUT THERE.
ANYWAY......Send it to boys also, it will give them some laughter.

ndhebar

14-08-2011, 07:00 PM

please!!!
Girls are just imposible my friend.
Keep away

MissK

25-08-2011, 10:20 PM

Mom: Son, get up it's time to go to College.

Son: No ma. I don't want to go to College.

Mom: Give me two reasons why don't you want to go to college.

Son: 1. All students hate me.
2. The whole staff hates me.

Mom: Ooh! That's not a reason. Come on. You must go to college.

Son: Give me two reasons why I should go to college.

Mom: 1. You are 47 years old.
2. You are the Principal of the college ;)

abhisays

01-09-2011, 07:55 PM

Jan Lokpal Bill's Facebook Version:

Manmohan Singh Wrote On Anna's Wall

Corruption Ka Nasha Pyaare , Nasha Sabse Nashila Hai.
Jise Dekho Yaha Woh Corruption Ke Baarish Mein Geela Hai.
Politics Ke Naam Pe Karte Sabhi Ab Bhrast-Leela Hai..

Anna Hazare Comments

"To Stop ol These Is Wat My Campaign Is Ol About..!!

Baba Ramdev & 5 Other Ppl Likes Anna Hazare's Comment.!!

Baba Ramdev Comments : "Aur Mein Karu Toh Saala Character Dheela Hai..?"

abhisays

01-09-2011, 08:08 PM

Once Kapil Sibbal, Digvijay Singh and Chidambaram were travelling in a helicopter, Sibbal drops a 100 Rs Note and says, "I made one poor Indian happy " Digvijay Singh drops two 50 Rs Note & says " I made two poor Indians happy "Chidambaram drops hundred 1 Rs coin & says " I made 100 poor Indians happy "hearing this, pilot says " I will drop 3 of u down, & make all 125 CRORE Indians happy forever.....!!!!!!!".

Pilot was ANNA HAZZARE.....
Jai hind..!!!!.

abhisays

03-09-2011, 10:34 AM

Different ages and thinking

At 4 Years
My daddy is great.

At 6 Years
My daddy knows everybody.

At 10 Years
My daddy is good but is short tempered

At 12 Years
My daddy was very nice to me when I was young .

At 14 Years
My daddy is getting fastidious.

At 16 Years
My daddy is not in line with the current times.

At 18 Years
My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.

At 20 Years
Oh! Its becoming difficult to tolerate daddy.
Wonder how Mother puts up with him.

At 25 Years
Daddy is objecting to everything.

At 30 Years
It’s becoming difficult to manage my son.
I was so scared of my father when I was young.

At 40 Years
Daddy brought me up with so much discipline.
Even I should do the same.

At 45 Years
I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.

At 50 Years
My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up.
I am unable to manage a single son.

At 55 Years
My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us.
He is one of his kind and unique.

At 60 Years
My daddy is great.

Thus, it took 56 years to complete the cycle and come back to the first stage.

YUVRAJ

03-09-2011, 10:40 AM

@abhisays; very well said...:bravo:

YUVRAJ

03-09-2011, 10:42 AM

:lol::lol::lol:Jan Lokpal Bill's Facebook Version:

Manmohan Singh Wrote On Anna's Wall

Corruption Ka Nasha Pyaare , Nasha Sabse Nashila Hai.
Jise Dekho Yaha Woh Corruption Ke Baarish Mein Geela Hai.
Politics Ke Naam Pe Karte Sabhi Ab Bhrast-Leela Hai..

Anna Hazare Comments

"To Stop ol These Is Wat My Campaign Is Ol About..!!

Baba Ramdev & 5 Other Ppl Likes Anna Hazare's Comment.!!

Baba Ramdev Comments : "Aur Mein Karu Toh Saala Character Dheela Hai..?"

malethia

03-09-2011, 10:57 PM

3 Apples changed the world:
1st one seduced Eve,
2nd awakened Newton
and
the 3rd one Apple iphone.

malethia

04-09-2011, 06:52 AM

We know TAJ MAHAL as a Symbol of Love.
But the other lesser known facts :

1. Mumtaz was Shahjahan's 4th wife, out of his 7 wives.
2. Shahjahan killed Mumtaj's husband 2 marry her.
3. Mumtaj died in her 14th delivery.......
4. He then married Mumtaj's sister.

malethia

04-09-2011, 06:58 AM

Question arises
WHAT IS LOVE ??

See this and you will understand:
As a Bachelor :-

Takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti,
tajmahal banana chahata hoon,
lekin mumtaz nahi milti!!!!!!!!!

As a Lover :-

Takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti,
tajmahal banana chahata hoon,
mumtaz mil gayi hai magar,
wohSHAADI nahi karti!!!!!!!

As a married one :-

Takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti,
tajmahal banana chahata hoon,
lekin mumtaz nahi MARTI!!!!!!!!

After 5 years of Marriage :-

Tajmahal kya cheez hai,
isse badi imarat banaunga,
Mumtaz to marke dafan hui thi,
tuzhe to meinZINDA dafnaunga!!!!!!!!!!!

ndhebar

06-09-2011, 12:02 PM

Marriage is like a public toilet Those waiting outside are desperate to get in & Those inside are desperate to come out.

ndhebar

06-09-2011, 12:04 PM

Searching these keywords on Google
'How to tackle wife?'
Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.:giggle::giggle:

ndhebar

06-09-2011, 12:20 PM

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

abhisays

11-09-2011, 09:57 AM

IITian and Rickshaw-wala...nice piece of conversation

This one is delightfully interesting to read.

There were two rickshaw-walas vying for our business, when we wanted to go to Sankat-Mochan temple in Benaras. I agreed to go with the one, who was about 20 years of age, seemed like a regular young rickshaw-wala, but I found something interesting about him. I was not proved wrong.

He wanted Rs 50, we said Rs 30. We settled for Rs 40.

Here are the highlights of the conversation that ensued, while we rode the rickshaw:

"Aap kahan se aaye hain?"

"Delhi."

"Bijness, ya kaam karte hain?"

"Naukri karte hain."

"Kismein?"

"Internet mein."

"Humara bhi kuch wahin kaam lagwa dijiye."

I just chuckled.

"Main try kar raha hoon engineering padhne kee. Achchi naukri lag jaayegi tab."

"Achcha?" I asked a little interested.

"Haan, delhi mein Guru Gobind Singh Indraprashta University mein engineering ke liye apply kiya hai. Achchi hai woh university."

"Haan, achchi hai", I agreed.

"Haan, kal hee maine JEE bhi diya."

"JEE matlab, IIT ka?"

"Haan, Joint Entrance Examination" he pronounced it perfectly.Just to make it clear to me what JEE stood for. "Mushkil hota hai exam."

"Haan, 2 saal toh log padhte hee hain uske liye, asaan nahin hai."

"Delhi mein Akaash coaching institute hain na?"

"Haan, hai."

"Aapne kya padhai kee?"

"Main engineer hoon, aur phir MBA bhi kiya."

"Kahan se engineer?"

"IIT Delhi se."

He swung back, surprised, a little delighted, and smiled. "Ok,

aapke liye Rs 30."

Swati and I laughed.

Swati asked "Padhai kab karte they IIT ke liye?"

"Bas, rickshaw chalaane ke baad raat mein". Then he added

"Kismein engineering kee aapne?"

"Chemical."

"Toh aapki Chemistry toh badi strong hogi."

"Nahin, aisa nahin hai."

He continued "Yeh bataiye....jab Mendeleev ne Periodic Table

banaya tha tab kitne elements they usmein?"

Now it was my turn to get surprised. He was quizzing me. I said "Shayad 70-80."

"No, 63" he said sharply. "Kaunse element kee electronegativity highest hai?"

Swati was laughing, and I didnt try too hard and said "Pata nahin."

"Flourine", he said confidently. Without a break he asked,"Kaunse element kee electron affinity highest hoti hai?"

Now I was laughing too and said "Nahin pata"

"Chlorine. toh aapka kaunsa subject strong tha?" clearly having

proven that my chemistry wasn't a strong point.

"Physics", I said.

"Achha, Newton's second law of motion kya hai?"

I thought I knew this one. "F=ma", I said.

"Physics is not about formula, it is understanding concept!", he reprimanded me in near perfect English. "Tell me in statement"

I was shocked. Swati continued to laugh.

I said "ok, Newtons second law, er....was...."

" 'Was' nahin, 'is'!Second law abhi bhi hai!" he snapped at my

use of 'was'.

Surely, my physics wasn't impressing him either. "Yaad nahin, I said"

"Force on an object is directly proportional to the mass of the

object and the acceleration of the object", he said it in near perfect

English. "Aapne M.Tech nahin kiya?"

"Nahin, MBA kiya"

"MBA waale toh sirf paisa kamana chahte hain, kaam nahin karte."

"Nahin, aisa nahin hai, paisa kamaane ke liye kaam karna padta hai." Didn't think too highly of me apparently anymore.

In a minute we reached our destination. We got off and I told

him that he must and should definitely study more, and that I thought he was sharp as hell. He took only Rs 30, smiled and began to leave. I got my camera out and said "Raju, ek photo leta hoon tumhari". He waved me off, dismissed the idea and rode off before I could say anything more....leaving me feeling high and dry like a spurned lover.

Damn, what a ride that was! India is changing, and changing fast.

And so it goes !!!!!

abhisays

18-09-2011, 09:28 AM

Tumhare pass kya hai?

Tumhare pass kya hai?

Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee.

He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.
To Kill time he decides to have fun with him. He calls him.

Manager Asks canteen boy: How much do you earn?
Canteen boy smiles.
Manager: What are your future plans?
Canteen boy keeps quiet.
Manager: Where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?
Canteen boy gives a cold stare.
Manager: Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha.
Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai.
naam hai...
shohrat hai...
paisa hai...
Izzat Hai...
tumhare paas kya hai?

(Scroll down to find out his answer)
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Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki 'Mere paas Maa hain'
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Canteen boy - Sa'ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai... Jo Tumare pass naheen hai!
Manager leaves the cafeteria silently.

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:02 AM

Kalyug Ka Mathematics

1.) SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT .
2.) An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.
3.) Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.
4.) 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = 5 minute song in Hindi movie.
5.) Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials.
6.) Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan - Talent.
7.) Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan
8.) 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda
9.) 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan
10.) 1 person + straight hair + unstraight walk = Sanjay dutt
11.) 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol
12.) One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four hundred Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya'sFilm.
13.) One man + one woman = Isha Deol
14.) Time waste - time = Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi
15.) Boring songs + heavy dialogues + Bogus dressing = Devdas
16.) New heroes + New heroins = a flop movie
17.) Old heroes + new heroins = a blunder
18.) Old heroes + old heroins = timepass
19.) action - suspense + comedy - thrill - story - clothes = Indiansuperhit movie
20.) Do aur do paanch = Indian algebra 1 Lady - 1 Brain = Aishwarya Rai 1 Lady - 1/2 Clothes = Mallika Sherawat 1 Lady + 1 Buffalo = Yana Gupta

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:04 AM

How to identify a Software engineer?

1. He/She never bargains... No wonder things have become so costly!

2. When a cab/bus passes by and you see all the commuters in it are sleeping like they haven't slept for years...

3. Dilbert or Calvin is their favorite cartoon...

4. Words like issues, tracker, raising requests, buzz/ping, compile, delete [unlike erase or rub it off], onsite [n not abroad is what 'foreign land' is called] are the ones that would be used by 'default'...

5. Weekends are holy words... they are like a salvation one seeks for...

6. "Wazzzup", "Hows life?", are few obvious questions one will be greeted with which would be immediately followed by "how's work?"

7. Salaries, work etc are always better or in good shape in other companies than the one he/she is currently in...

8. They don't send or take things... they always forward them!

9. Drinking coffee is the most pleasurable thing they think they do in the entire day...

10. They seek a search engine in just almost everything they do... When I forget where I have kept my things at home the first thing that comes to my mind is "I wish there was a Google search for my room".

11. Mondays are always blue...

12. All of them will have a dream to do something in life and that something would never be what they are doing right now.

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:06 AM

Lessons of Life

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

............ .......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ......... ......

Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect..... .
so why practice?

............ ......... ......... ......... .......... ......... ......... ......

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ......... ......

Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

............ ......... ......... ......... .......... ......... ......... ......

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

............. ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ......... ......

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

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The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

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Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

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Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

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"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

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"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

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"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

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God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.

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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station
what more can I say........

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......... ......

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:08 AM

Here i am sitting in my office at night Thinking hard about life....

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed from a maverick collage life to strict professional life…...

How tiny pocket money changed to huge monthly paychecks
but then why it gives lesss happiness….

How a few local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe
but then why there are less people to use them

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full Pizza or burger
But then why there is less hunger…..

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…..

How a bike always in reserve changed to bike always on
but then why there are less places to go on……

How a small coffee shop changed to cafe coffee day
but then why its feels like shop is far away…..

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package
but then why there are less calls & more messages……

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…...

How a general class journey changed to Flight journey
But then why there are less vacations for enjoyment….

How a old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop
but then why there is less time to put it on……….

How a small bunch of friends changed to office mate
But then why we always feel lonely n miss those college frnz.….

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed….. How it changed……..

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:08 AM

Software engineer and his wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - Oh God !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters....

Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:49 AM

One Line Humor

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while
driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and
the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they
wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get
tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll
take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees
with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always
with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than
doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still
ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address
books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it
for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk
because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom
gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality
just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like
asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has
it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has
it!

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:51 AM

कौन बनेगा crorepati

Santa Singh has answered 12 out of the 15 questions correct and has used all his lifelines except for "50-50" and "Phone a Friend".. Santa Singh is playing the 13 th Question now which is for 25 Lacs. Let's see what happens next... :-)
Amitabh Bachchan: Apka 13 th question 25 lakh ke liye, yeh raha aapke saamne aapki Computer Screen par...
Santa Singh gets Tense....
Amitabh Bachchan: Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan? Your options are...

A: Amitabh Bachchan
B: Dharmendra
C: Amzaad Khan
D: Sanjeev Kumar

Amitabh Bachchan: To Santa Singh Jee kya Jawaab hai aapka? [He's quite sure that Santa will opt for option A]
But Santa is surprisingly still confused....
Amitabh Bachchan: Aapke paas abhi bhi do life line baaki hai... 50-50 and phone a friend.. Agar aap chahe to unhe use kar sakte hain. Wo aap hi ke liye banaayi gayee hai.
Santa Singh: I think it is A, but I'm not sure.
Amitabh Bachchan: Not sure, Hmmm... Aap kya karna chahenge?
Santa Singh: I would like to use 50-50...
Amitabh Bachchan: Ok Computer Jee, Kripya 2 galat javab mita deejiye…
Computer deletes two names, and leaves the following options:
B: Dharmendra

D: Sanjeev Kumar

Now Amitabh Bachchan gets confused and worriedly thinks if the Computer is actually right or has got some bug!. Santa Singh gets all the more Confused after the 50-50 Lifeline...

Santa Singh: I would like to use my last life line too - Phone A Friend...

Amitabh Bachchan: Aap kisse baat karna chahenge!?
Santa Singh: Main aapki Misej [Mrs.] Jaya Bachan Ji ko phone karna chahoonga...

Amitabh Bachchan Faints !!! But the Call gets connected to Jaya Bachchan [Thanks to AirTel :-) ]....

Santa Singh: "Jayaji, Who is the father of Abhishek Bachchan!?"

receiving reply from JAYA Santa faints..

GUESS WHY????????? ??

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Options kya hai ?

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:54 AM

Wo dekho ek Chartered Accountant ja raha hai

Apni Profile ke bojh tale daba jaa raha hai,
Wo dekho ek Chartered Accountant ja raha hai,

Zindagi se hara hua hai,
Par " Balance sheet Tally " karne se haar nahi manata,
Apne excel sheet ki ek ek line ise rati hui hai,
Par aaj kaun se rang ke moje pehne hain, ye nahi janata,
Din par din ek excel file banata ja raha hai

Wo dekho ek Chartered Accountant ja raha hai,

Das hazaar line ki file main error dhoond lete hain lekin,
Majboor dost ki ankhon ki nami dikhayi nahi deti,
PC pe hazaar windows khuli hain,
Par dil ki khidki pe koi dastak sunayi nahi deti,
Satuday-sunday nahata nahi, week days ko naha raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Chartered Accountant ja raha hai,

linking karte karte pata hi nahi chala,
"Excel" ki priority kab maa-baap se high ho gayi,
Kitabon main gulab rakhne wala , cigerette ke dhuyen main kho gaya,
Dil ki zameen se armaanon ki vidayi ho gayi,
Weekends pe daroo peke jo jashna mana raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Chartered Accountant ja raha hai,

Maze lena ho iske to pooch lo,
"Salary Increment" ki party kab dila rahe ho,
Hansi udana ho to pooch lo,
"Leave" pe kab ja rahe ho?
Wo dekho Leave se laute team-mate ki chocolates kha raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Chartered Accountant ja raha hai,

Kharche badh rahe hain,
Baal kam ho rahe hain,
Income Tax ke sitam ho rahe hain,
Lo phir se bus choot gayi, Auto se aa raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Chartered Accountant ja raha hai,

Pizza gale se nahi utarta,
To "Coke" ke sahare nigal liya jata hai,
Office ki "Thali" dekh munh hai bigadta,
Maa ke hath ka wo khana baar roz yaad ata hai,
"Sprout bhel" bani hai phir bhi, free "Evening Snacks" kha raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Chartered Accountant ja raha hai,

Aapne ab tak li hongi bahut si chutikiya,
Chartered Accountant ke jivan ka sach batati ye akhri kuch panktiyan,
Hazaron ki tankhwah wala, company ki karodon ki jeb bharta hai,
Chartered Accountant wahi ban sakta hai, jo lohe ka jigar rakhta hai,
Hum log jee jee ke marte hain , zindagi hai kuch aisi,

Ek fauj ki naukri, doosri Chartered Accountant ki , dono ek jaisi,
Is kavita ka har shabd mere dil ki gehrayi se aa raha hai,

Wo dekho ek Chartered Accountant ja raha hai ..........

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:55 AM

Ladkiyon Ki Kahani - Bechare boys - Funny

LADKIYON KI KAHANI :

If v treat her nice she says "yaar mujhe line de raha hai"

If v dont she says "kitna akarta hai"

If v dress nicely she says "mujhe impress karna chahta hai"

If v dont she says "tasteless hai yaar"

If v argue with her she says "ziddi hai"

If v sit quietly she says "dumb hai"

If v act smarter she'll lose her brain as u r insulting her

If she acts smarter she thinks its her right

If v dont love her she says "is ka to pehle se hi 2,3 ladkiyon ka saath chakkar hai"

If v love her she says "peechhe hi pad gayaa hai"

If v dont tell her ur prob she says " u r not honest 2 me"

If u do tell to her she says "u r a problem child"

If v scold her she says "you act like a grandpa giving lecture"

If she scolds us she says "Yaar, its becoz i care"

If v break a promise she says "She does not trust u any more"

If she breaks she says "jaan main majboor thi....

ladkiyan re ladkiya . .

bechare boys itna sab seh ke b chup chap rehte ....!!!!!!!!!!

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:56 AM

Comic version of Ye daulat bhi le lo Lyrics

Yeh degree bhi lelo, ye naukari bhi lelo,
Bhale Chheen lo mujhse USA ka Visa............
magar mujhko lauta do college ka canteen,
vo chaay ka paani vo teeKha samosaa..........

kadi dhoop mein apne ghar se nikalnaa,
vo project ki Khatir shahar bhar bhataknaa,
vo lecture mein doston ki proxy lagaanaa,
vo sir ko chidhanaa ,vo aeroplane udaanaa,
vo submission ki raton ko jagnaa jagaanaa,
vo orals ki kahani vo practical ka Kissaa.....

bimaari ka reason de ke time badhanaa,
vo doosron ke assignments ko apnaa banaanaa,
vo seminar ke din paironka chhatpatanaa,
vo workshop mein din raat pasinaa bahanaa,
vo exam ke din ka bechain maahaul,
par vo maa ka vishvas - Teachar ka Bharosaa.....

vo pedon ke neeche gappe ladanaa,
vo raaton mein drawing sheets banaanaa,
vo exams ke akhari din theatre mein jaanaa,
! vo bhole se freshers ko hamesha sataanaa,
without any reason common off pe jaanaa,
test ke waqt table mein kitabon ko rakhnaa,
isi tarah teachers ko dena Jhansaa.........

college ki sabse purani nishaanee,
vo chaaywala jise saare kehte the... jaani,
vo jaani ke hathon ki 'cutting' chaay meethee,
vo chupkese journal mein bheji hui chitthi,
vo padh tehi chiththi uska bhadakna,
vo chehre ki laali vo aankhon ka Gussaa......

college ki wo saari lambisi raatein,
vo doston se canteen mein pyaari si baatein,
vo gathering ke din ka ladnaa Jhagadnaa,
vo ladkiyon ka yuhin hamesha akadnaa,
bhulaaye nahin bhool sakta hai koi,
vo college, vo batein, vo shararatein vo javani...

ka ash hum phir dohra sakte kahani......
vo kagaz ki k ashti vo barish ka pani.

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:56 AM

Engineer ki dastan - A Poem on an Engineer!

Engineer ki dastan - A Poem on an Engineer!

Engineer woh hain
jo aksar phasta hain

Interviews ke sawaal mey
Badi companiyon ke jaal mey
Boss aur client ke bawaal mey

Engineer woh hain
jo pak gaya hain
Meetings ki jhelai mey
Submissions ki gehraai mey
Teamwork ki chataai mey

Engineer woh hain
jo laga rehta hain
Schedule ko failane mey
Targets ko khiskaane mey
Roz naye-naye bahaane banane mey

Engineer woh hain
jo lunch time mey Breakfast karta hain
Dinner time mey Lunch karta hain aur
Commutation ke waqt soya karta hain

Engineer woh hain
jo paagal hain
Chai aur samose ke pyaar mey
Cigarette ke khumaar mey
Birdwatching ke vichaar mey

Engineer woh hain
jo khoya hain
Reminders ke jawaab mey
Na milne waale hisaab mey
Behtar Bhavishya ke khwaab mey

Engineer woh hain
jise intezaar hain
Weekend nights par dhoom machaane ka
Boss ke chutti par jaane ka
Increment ki khabar aane ka

Engineer woh hain
jo sochta hain
Kaash padhaai par dhyaan diya hota
Kaash teacher se panga na liya hota

Kaash ishq na kiya hota....
Kaash....

abhisays

18-09-2011, 10:57 AM

Love Letter in Q/A format

A different Love letter and a beautiful reply to it.

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.

My Dearest Ishaa,

Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options

(A) 10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.
**********

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:

(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... Am I doing it?
**********

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:

(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile
**********

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:

(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song
**********

4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:

(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know
**********

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:

(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know
**********

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...

(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded
**********

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:

(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them
**********

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:

(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose
**********

9) On that day, it was my birthday. You too came to temple early at 6:00 A.M because:

(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual.
**********

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it.

If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..

Love , Aanshu

************ *********

Ishaa's reply letter was also in Q/A format ........

Aanshu ,

Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.
**********

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.

(a) Yes (b) No
**********

2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?

(a) Yes (b) No
**********

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not?

(a) Yes (b) No
**********

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.

You poked your nose inside..... Right ?

(a) Yes (b) No
**********

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?

(a) Yes (b) No
**********

6) Should I not wait for my best friend ( Anjali ) at the bus stand?

(a)Yes (b) No
**********

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?

(a) Yes (b) No
**********

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it true ?

(a) Yes (b) No
**********

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to Temple . Do you know ?

(a) Yes (b) No

If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love.

Hope everything is clear to you .

abhisays

18-09-2011, 11:16 AM

Funny Leave Applications

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of Pakistan.

1. A student's leave letter:

"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."
------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------------

2. A candidate's application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3. I.T.I., Lahore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

------------------------------ -------------------------------------------------------------

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was

Performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."
------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------------------

abhisays

18-09-2011, 11:18 AM

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=11700&stc=1&d=1316326719

abhisays

18-09-2011, 11:19 AM

All about MARRIAGE ....

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands

before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.

It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

Aadmi shaadi kyon karta hai?

Takee vo marne ke baad agar Swarg jaye to achcha feel kare

aur agar Nark jaye to homely feel kare...

Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala during wedding ?

To tell each other affectionately. ..

Sweetheart U R Dead!

abhisays

18-09-2011, 11:20 AM

College and the relation to Bollywood

Exam == Kalyug,

Classes == Kabhi Kabhi

Examination Hall == Chamber of Secret

Examiner == Mrityudata

Course == GodZilla

Paper Correction == Andha Kanoon

Exam Time == Qayamat se Qayamat Tak

Question Paper == Paheli

Answer Paper == Kora Kagaz

Marks == Ashambhav

Paper Out == Plan

Cheating == Aksar

Last Exam == Independence Day

Result == Sadma

Pass == Ajooba / Chamatkar

Fail == Devdas

Vacations == Masti

abhisays

18-09-2011, 11:22 AM

Rishte ki baat - Sholay Style Mein

Jay : Mausi, ladka Infotech mein kaam karta hai..
Mausi : Haaye Ram..! Aur kahin nahi kar raha hai kya??
Jay : kahan mausi 2 saal Infotech me rahne ke baad koi Company leti kahan hai…
Mausi : Hi Raam to kya 2 saal se Infotech mein hi hai..
Jay : haan socha tha 2 saal me salary hike hogi hi. Aajkal to salary bhi ziyada NAHI mil rahi hai use..
Mausi : To kya salary BHI KAM milti HAI..?
Jay : Ab appraisal bhi to asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi..
Mausi : Hai hai …!! To kya appraisal bhi nahi hota uska..?
Jay : Senior se ladhai karne ke baad appraisal mein achhi rating to nahin milti hai… mausi..
Mausi : To kya seniors se ladhta bhi hai..?
Jay : Ab 2 saal tak onsite jane ko na mile to ho jaati hai kabhi kabhi anban..
Mausi : To kya ab tak ek baar bhi onsite nahi gaya ..???
Jay : Ab Outdated technology ke developer ki kismat mein to yehi likha hai mausi..
Mausi : kya kaha ladka Outdated technology mein kaam karata hai..!!!
Mausi : Kaunse college se padhai ki hai..?
Jay : Uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar kar de denge!!
Jay : To main rishta pakka samjhuna mausi?
Mausi : Beta, kan khol kar sun le… Sagi mausi hoon basanti ki koi sauteli maa nahi. Bhale hi hamaari
Basanti ke Call Center wale Chandu se shaadi karle par Infotech ke employee se katai nahin karegi….

abhisays

18-09-2011, 11:31 AM

Daddy Internet laga dein......

Dil ka connection miladein,
Daddy Internet laga dein ,
Mujhe aaya mail dostoun ka,
Kab lagay Ga itna Bata dein

Homework pura hota nahi,
Raat ko mein sota nahi,
Jab mood ho parhai ka,
Homework koi hota nahi.

Net bhi hai kamaal cheez,
Bas aati ho agar chalani keys,
Waisay to bohot hai kaam is Kay,
Par chatting pe lagti nahi fees.

Aap kehte hain mein shor machaon Ga,
Try karo mein naraz na kar paon Ga,
Mein god promise karta Hun,
Net aap ke saunay ke baad lagaun Ga.

Saheli nahi meri,haan dost hi hotay hain,
Who saray ke saray school mein hi sotay hain,
Raat to guzarti hai net par typing kartay,
Subha bhi chat room mein hi hotay hain.

Ladkian bhi kamaal hoti hain,
Ghar pe apni misaal hoti hain ,
Saara kaam khatam karkay,
Das bajay saday naal hoti hain.

Ab to mujhe Internet lagadein,
Meri bhi mauj karadein ,
Mein bhi dhondta Hun cyber bahoo,
Aap bas nikah dot com karadein

********

abhisays

18-09-2011, 11:34 AM

If Statue of Liberty was in India.....

If Statue of Liberty was in India.
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http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_kgwWgge5hks/RwegkBJjV_I/AAAAAAAAAqA/w29_K1I0Aro/s400/image001.jpg (http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_kgwWgge5hks/RwegkBJjV_I/AAAAAAAAAqA/w29_K1I0Aro/s1600-h/image001.jpg)

ndhebar

18-09-2011, 11:34 AM

IITian and Rickshaw-wala...nice piece of conversation

India is changing, and changing fast.

:bravo: :bravo:

It takes time but India will change.

abhisays

18-09-2011, 11:40 AM

Marriage and Phones

Life before marriage is AIRTEL
" u can express ur self ".

During honeymoon is RELIANCE-
" Always get in Touch ".

After Honeymoon is HUTCH
" Wherever u go ur wife network follows".

After one year Life is IDEA
" ur wife can change ur life ".

After 10 years Life is BSNL
" Subscriber is not reachable "?????????

abhisays

18-09-2011, 12:02 PM

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft....

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

abhisays

18-09-2011, 12:02 PM

Why a student fails ???

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year has
ONLY 365' days.

Typical academic year for a student.

1. Sundays-52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest.
Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.
Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 130 days.
Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days.

Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chew properly & eat)-means
30days.

Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days!

Days left 81.

7. Exam days per year at least 35 days.
Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.

Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness at least 3 days.

Remaining days 3.

10. Movies and functions at least 2 days.

1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday. "How can you study at that day?"
Balance days 0

abhisays

18-09-2011, 12:03 PM

Don't mess with Engineers

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai.So both groups gather at Pune Station.

Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority .

SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI):
-------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------- -
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..
Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come......
When TC arrives,
All 7 Engineers get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes

Away....

NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct Train to PUNE. So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA):
---------------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------- -----------
Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal"....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers don't buy any ticket at all!!!!!..

TC arrives....

ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE.

One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the
ticket and comes in Engg. Bathroo! m... TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined.

SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA): !
-----------------------------------------
SO now both the group r on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.

This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick.

ALL Doctors take 1 tickets...Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time...
SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets ................... ....

Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train...........

Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are geniuses, don't mess with Engineers.

abhisays

18-09-2011, 12:03 PM

If Bollywood Film star work for call centers........ Imagine the calls

Amitabh: Thank you for calling customer care... rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care hain...
Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amitabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh likh diya tha... uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga.

Dharmendra: Thank you for calliiiiingg..
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa.......
Customer: I am unable to use your product... its waste and worthless
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna

Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai...
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh... seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna... haaaaaaaaa!!!

Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep hain..haahhaaa

Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye....
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ....tumko kya problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report likha...

Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera... pyar se log shabbo bolte hain..bolo main tumhare kis kaam aasakti hoon.
Customer: Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Shakti: AAAuuuuuu...mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyarasa...rep hooon..

Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi ... thank youji for calling ji.. Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga... ye dyevi nai ji ... ye to dyeva hai...

Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai..... May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling... tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager de denge to hamein manage kaun karega....

Gabbar : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....Jo dargaya wo maraga... batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho ... sirf... $10.00...dhikkaar hai

Prem Chopra: Prem...Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra...
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle

Rajkumar : Jaani ..... Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani... ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi
Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes... otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena... manager humko darasake manager mein itna dum nahi... humse hai manager... manager se hum nahi...
And at last ..................

Sharukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Customer hung up the phone.......

abhisays

18-09-2011, 12:04 PM

Newtons Laws on Love

Universal law: Love can neither be created nor be destroyed, only it can transfer from
one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.

First law: A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy.

Second law: The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance.

Third law: The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals!

abhisays

18-09-2011, 05:00 PM

An Airline Introduced
A Special Package For Business Men.
Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife’s Ticket Free
After Great Success,
The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives
Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply…
“Which Trip ?”

ndhebar

19-09-2011, 12:39 PM

MissK

23-09-2011, 11:31 PM

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch...

ndhebar

24-09-2011, 11:39 PM

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch...

Naughty girl
:lol::lol::lol:

abhisays

25-09-2011, 12:23 AM

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch...

ndhebar

27-09-2011, 01:40 PM

Nice Excuse

A fellow bought a new Mercedes on the Christmas eve and was out on the highway
for a nice evening drive. The top was dowfrn, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he
decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What in the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the
end of my shift and it's Christmas eve. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving
that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her
back!" "Have a nice Christmas," said the officer.

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 03:56 PM

New age poem :)

Chatting chatting.....
Yes Papaaaa
with new girlfriends...
No Papaaa
.........telling lies......
No Papaaa
open your facebook...

ha..ha..ha....

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:01 PM

Shopkeeper:Oh ho Deepika ji , aaiye aaiye.Kaun sa sabun lena pasand
karengi.Ye dekhiye ye..(Someother soap which is not nirma)

Deepika(Customer) :Nahi Nahi ye nahi woh(pointing at nirma).

Shopkeeper:Par aap to woh, purana wala sabun....(stammerin g)

Deepika(Customer) :Leti thi, par wahi safedi mujhe kam damo mein mile to
koi
woh kyun le, ye(nirma) na le!

Shopkeeper:Man gaye!!

Deepika(Customer) :Kise?

Shopkeeper:Aapki par ki nazar aur nirma super dono ko !!!

Now the song starts... ;-)

WASHING POWDER NIRMA

WASHING POWDER NIRMA

DUDH SE SAFEDI NIRMA SE AAYE

RANGEEN KAPDA BHI KHIL KHIL JAYE

SABKI PASAND NIRMA

WASHING POWDER NIRMA

NIRMA....... ......... ...

LOGO KO KUCH BHI BHEJO PADHNE LAG JATE HAIN........ kya yaar kab sudhroge...

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:07 PM

GALILEO: Great mind!
EINSTINE: Genius mind!
NEWTON: Extraordinary mind!
BILL GATES: Brilliant mind!
ME: Master mind!
YOU??? Never mind!
A - U are attractive
B - U are the Best
C - U are Cute
D - U are Dear to me
E - U are Excellent
F - U are Funny
G - U are Goodlooking
H - Hehehe
I - I'm
J - Joking

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:08 PM

HINDI:

A Kya Bolti Tu ?
A Kya Mai Bolu ?
Sun
Suna
Ati Kya Khandala ?
Kya karu Ake mai Khandala ?
Are Ghumenge, nachenge, gayenge Aish karenge or kya

URDU

AAP KUCH BOLEIN?
HUM KYA BOLEIN??
MULAIZA FARMAYEIN
IRSHAD
TASHREEF LAYEINGI KHANDALA?
KYA KAREIN HUM KHANDALA TASHREEF LAAKE??
ARRE GHOOMEINGE, NAACHEINGE, NAGMEIN SUNAYEINGE, TAFREE KAREINGE OR
KYA!!

ENGLISH:

Aye what do you say?
Aye what should I say?
Listen.
Speak on.
Coming to khandala?
What should I do, coming to khandala?
We'll roam, we'll loaf, we'll sing, we'll dance we"ll
freak, baby,what else?

SANSKRIT :

Aye balike, twam katham kathisyasi
Aye balakah aham kim kathisyamh
Shrinvasi!
Shrunha
Kim twam khandaalaa agchasyasi
Aham kim kurwasyami khandaalayeh
gamisyami, bhramisyami, nryuthyami, gaayami, maja
karishma, kim karishyam .......

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:12 PM

LADKIYON KI KAHANI:

If v treat her nice she says "yaar mujhe line de raha hai"
If v dont she says "kitna akarta hai"
If v dress nicely she says "mujhe impress karna chahta hai"
If v dont she says "tasteless hai yaar"
If v argue with her she says "ziddi hai"
If v sit quietly she says "dumb hai"
If v act smarter she'll lose her brain as u r insulting her
If she acts smarter she thinks its her right
If v dont love her she says "is ka to pehle se hi 2,3 ladkiyon ka saath chakkar hai"
If v love her she says "peechhe hi pad gayaa hai"
If v dont tell her ur prob she says " u r not honest 2 me"
If u do tell to her she says "u r a problem child"
If v scold her she says "you act like a grandpa giving lecture"
If she scolds us she says "Yaar, its becoz i care for u.

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:15 PM

Love Bcoz of Chemistry... .....
Na Chemistry Hoti Na Love Hota
Na Chmistry hoti na main Student hota
Na ye Lab hoti Na Ye Accident Hota
Abhi Practical main ayee nazar Ek Larki
Sundar thi Naak Us ki Test Tube Jaisi
Baton main Us ki Glucose ki Mithas thi
Sanson main Ester ki Khushboo bhi sath thi
Aankhon se jhalakta tha kuch is Tarah ka Pyaar
Bin Piye hi ho jata hai Alcohol la Khumar
Benzene sa hota tha Uski Presence ka Ehsaas
Andhere main hota tha Radium ka Abhas
Nazrain mileen, reaction hua
Kuch is tarah Love ka Production hua
Lagne lage Us ke Ghar ke Chakkar aise
Nucleus ke charon taraf Electron hon jaise
Us din hamare Test ka Confirmation hua
Jab us ke daddy se hamara Introduction hua
Sun kar hamari baat wo aise Uchal pare
Ignesium Tube main jaise Sodium Bharak uthe
Wo bole, Hosh main aao, Pahchano apni Auqat
Iron mil nahin sakta kabhi Gold ke saath
Ye sun ker Tuta hamare Armanon Bhara Beaker
Aur ham Chup rahe Benzaldehyde ka Karwa Ghoont pee ker
Ab us ki yadon ke siwa hamara Kam cha

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:16 PM

Computer Vs. Hindi Films:-

1) Pentium III & Pentium I - Bade miyan Chhote miyan.

2) Computer infected by Virus - Pyar to Hona hitha.

3) Hard disk and Floppy disk - Gharwaali Baharwaali.

4)F1 - Guide.

5) Esc - Nau Do Gyarah.

6) Ctrl+Alt+Del - AkhriRastaa.

7) CrtlC + CtrlV - Duplicate.

8) Undo - Aa ab lautchale.

9) Super User Password - Gupt.

10) BackUp - Jaagteraho.

11) UPS - Janta Hawaldar.

12) Server -Godfather.

13) Proxy Server - Padosan.

14) Security -Nakabandi.

15) Storage - Tehkhana.

16) Storage capacity -Badhti ka naam Dadhi.

17) Computer without RAM - KoraKagaz.

18) Computer whose OS is DOS - Buddha mil gaya.

19)System which frequently requires bootable disk - Sharabi.

20) DumbTerminal - Anari.
21) Mouse - Jaanwar.

22) Hard Disk partition- Batwara.

23) Hardware & Software - Ek duje ke liye.

24)Temporary file - Khote Sikkey

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:16 PM

Some IT companies :

1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT
2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses
4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions
5. INFOSYS :Inferior Offline Systems
6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds
8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines
9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
10. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
11. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings
12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible
13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort
14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers
15. BFL : Brainwash First and Let them go
17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd.
18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India
19. ORACLE : On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees.

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:19 PM

Friendship Is Like... NOKIA!
Connecting People!
Friendship Is Like... SAMSUNG
Every One Is Invited!
Friendship Is Like... CELL ONE
Changing Life Style!
Friendship Is Like... PHILIPS
Lets Makes Things Better!
Friendship Is Like... TAPAL
Jaisay Chaho Jeoooo!
Friendship Is Like... SPRITE
Sirf Yeh Bhujaye Pyas Baki All Bakwass!
Friendship Is Like... PEPSI
Ask For More!
Friendship Is Like... LG
Digitally Yours!
Friendship Is Like... NIKE
Just Do It!
Friendship Is Like... HABIB
Kyoun Kay Ye Dil Ka Mamla Hai!
Friendship Is Like... WAVES
Naam Hi Kafi Hai!
Friendship Is Like... BUTTER SCOTCH (hmmm)
Chalti Jayee Chalti Jayee Chali Jayeeeee!
Friendship Is Like... COCA COLA
Enjoyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

arvind

08-10-2011, 04:20 PM

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:21 PM

School life Vs College life

School: 1 colored dress for 100s of days
College: 100 colored dresses for 1 day
School: 2 note books for 1 subject
College: 1 notebook for all subjects
School: white pipe in teacher's hand (chalk)
Coll: white pipe in student's hand (cigarette)
School: Most frequent letter-Leave letter
College: Most frequent letter - Love letter
School: if we go itz boring
college :if we dont go its boring
SO ENJOY !!!

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:22 PM

If engineers start making films, the names will be:
current ho na ho,
jaanam supplykaro,
aa ab B.Tech karen,
Kabhi A.C. Kabhi D.C,
Hamari IC apke pas hai,
fuse lagaya to darna kya,
engineer no.1,
engineering koi khel nahi,
input wale output le jayenge,
Maine engineering kyu kiya..!
Computer Vs. Hindi Films:-
1) Pentium III & Pentium I ---- Bade miyan - Chhote miyan.
2) Computer infected by Virus - Pyar to Hona hitha.
3) Hard disk and Floppy disk - Gharwaali Baharwaali.
4)F1 - Guide.
5) Esc - Nau Do Gyarah.
6) Ctrl+Alt+Del - AkhriRastaa.
7) CrtlC + CtrlV - Duplicate.
8) Undo - Aa ab lautchale.
9) Super User Password - Gupt.
10) BackUp - Jaagteraho.
11) UPS - Janta Hawaldar.
12) Server -Godfather.\ SARKAR...
13) Proxy Server - Padosan.
14) Security -Nakabandi.
15) Storage - Tehkhana.
16) Storage capacity -Badhti ka naam Dadhi.
17) Computer without RAM - KoraKagaz.
18) Computer whose OS is DOS - Buddha mil gaya

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:23 PM

Age 2 Yrs..Nurse Ko ankh mare..
Age 3 Yrs..Uncle ki Cigarette lay kar bhagaa
Age 4 Yrs..ghar walon ki naak mein dum
Age 5 Yrs..Neighbours ki bell Baja ke bhagaaa..
Age 6 Yrs..school mein Teacher ko line mari..
Age 7 Yrs...exam mein cheating karni seekhi
Age 8 Yrs...Papa ki Pocket se Purse gayab...
Age 9 Yrs...Pirated cd's Ka dhaanda...
Age 10 Yrs...Papa Ki car Road pe..
Age 11 Yrs...Road waley apney apney Gharoon per..
Age 12 Yrs...raat ko subah, subah ko raat....
Age 13 Yrs...club jana shuru
Age 14 yrs...padosi ki beti Le kar Faraar...
Age 15 Yrs...Cigarettes ki duniya ka baadshah..
Age 16 Yrs...college mein admission
Age 17 Yrs...Whisky&Vodka ki dunya mein new name..
Age 18 yrs...ab shareef hogaya hooon!koi shrarat nahin karta
So NoW MAKe Me uR GD fRn.

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:23 PM

”F" is for Fun....That friends share when they are together.
"R" is for Reliability....A true friend is someone that you can always rely on.
"I" is for Interest....Someone who is genuinely interested in you, your fears, joys, and life.
"E" is for Energy....They pick you up when you are down, and give you the energy to go on and believe in yourself.
"N" is for Nothing....Nothing is ever too much, no matter what time it is, night or day.
"D" is for Distance....Although the miles may separate you, a true friend is never far away.
"S" is for Secrets....Your feelings and personal/private thoughts that you can only share with a friend.
"H" is for Happiness....The way I feel when we are together.
"I" is for Inseparable....Through good times and bad, tears and laughter. A friend will always be there for you.
"P" is for Perfect...

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:26 PM

Chemistry of girls
symbol miss
atomic weight highly variable
atomic number 420
physical properties
1 boils very rapidly
2 freeze very quickly
3 melts quickly on receiving gifts

chemical properties
1 very active and highly reactive
2 posses great affinity for gold, silver & other costly items
3 violent reactions if made to wait & left alone
4 turns red when placed besides better looking specimen of
same species
other properties
1 stained or over-stained with powder, lipstick & all other
cosmetics
2 never ages beyond sweet 16
3 cries instantaneously
uses
1 a fast medium of spreading top secrets
2 best income or pocket money reducing agent
caution
1 highly explosive
2 handle with care & at ur own risk

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:28 PM

PRANSHU'S interview

Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of good.
PRANSHU : Bad.
Interviewer : Come.

PRANSHU: Go.
Interviewer : Ugly.

PRANSHU : Pichlli.
Interviewer : U G L Y?

PRANSHU: PICHLLY !!!!!!!
Interviewer : Shut Up.

PRANSHU: Keep Talking.
Interviewer : Get Out.

PRANSHU: Come In.
Interviewer : Oh my God.

PRANSHU: Oh my Devil.
Interviewer : U r Rejected.

PRANSHU: I am Selected.
oyeee chak de phathe.oooo
baalllleeeeeeeeeeeee

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:28 PM

Following are the questions which were asked in an interview and here is disclosed them 4 all those who r in seek of a good job.
don't take it as a joke.

1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this one and it's just that you
called me first.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company, whoever gives me a job, I don't have
any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4. What would you do if this happened?
Well, it depends on my mindset and mood in that situation...

5. What is your biggest strength?
I dare to join any company who pays me well, without thinking about the
fate of company.

6. What is your biggest weakness?
Girls

7. What was your worst mistake and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and I learnt that I need to switch my job to
get more money, so I am here today.

singhtheking

08-10-2011, 04:29 PM

English is a very FuNNy Language.. here's some translations from English to Hindi.. EnJOy
Have a nice day!

----- * Achcha din lo!
What's up?
----- *Uppar kya hai?
You're kidding!
----- *Tum bachcha bana rahe ho!
Don't kid me!
----- * Mera bachcha mat banaao!
Yo, baby! What's up?
-----* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?
Cool man!
-----* Thandaa aadmi!
Check this out, man!
----* Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi!
Don't mess with me, dude.
----- * Mere saath gandagi mat karo, e vyakti.
She's so fine!
----- * Woh itnee baareek hai!
Listen buddy, that chick's mine, okay!?
----- * Suno dost, woh chooza mera hai, theek?
Hey good looking; what's cooking?
----* Arrey sundarta ki devi; kya pakaa rahee ho?
Are you nuts?
----- * Kya aap akhrot hain?
Son of a gun.
----- * Bachcha bandook ka.
Rock the party.
---- * Party mein patthar feko.
And the best ones are.....
How do you do?
----- * Kaise karte ho?
Keep in touch!
----- * Chhoote Raho

singhtheking

12-10-2011, 07:58 AM

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A.

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C

<>He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading...

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Make sure you read all the way down to the last
> >
> > > sentence, and don't skip ahead.
> >
> > > I've learned....That life is like a roll of toilet
> >
> > > paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
> >
> > > I've learned....That we should be glad God doesn't
> >
> > > give us everything we ask for.
> >
> > > I've learned....That money doesn't buy class.
> >
> > > I've learned....That it's those small daily happenings
> >
> > > that make life so spectacular.
> >
> > > I've learned...That under everyone's hard shell is
> >
> > > someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
> >
> > > I've learned....That the Lord didn't do it all in one
> >
> > > day.
> >
> >

What makes me think I can?
> >
> > > I've learned....That to ignore the facts does not
> >
> > > change the facts.
> >
> > > I've learned....That the less time I have to work, the
> >
> > > more things I get done.

singhtheking

12-10-2011, 08:00 AM

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.

I wrote your name in air,it was blown away.then

I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart Attack .

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

God saw me hungry, he created pizza .

He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi .

He saw me in dark, he created light .

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Twinkle Twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

TEACHER= Name four members of the cat family?

STUDENTS= Daddy cat,Mummy cat and two kittens !

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Why does history keep repeating it self?

Because we weren't listening the first time !

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

A sardar ji pulled out 6 people from a burning house...

still he was in jail.......why?

coz all the 6 were firebrigade staff !

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

An Astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope.

A sardar was observing him, Suddenly a star falls, seeings

that sardar shouted "kya nishana hai"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

"Doctor, doctor, will i be able to play the

violin after the operation?"

"yes of course...."

"Great ! i never could before"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful why dosen't it rain on you?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Roses are red, Violents are blue monkeys

like u should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too

not in cage but laughing at you.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

When ur life is in darkness pray to God ask him to

free u from darkness and if after you pray and your

still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL !

ndhebar

24-10-2011, 12:48 PM

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13027&stc=1&d=1319442482

MissK

25-10-2011, 01:11 AM

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13027&stc=1&d=1319442482

Good one!!

ndhebar

30-10-2011, 12:16 PM

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13132&stc=1&d=1319958991

ndhebar

30-10-2011, 12:44 PM

HOW TO CONTROL A WOMAN

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13133&stc=1&d=1319960587

ndhebar

01-11-2011, 06:26 PM

Love is holding hands in the street.

Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.

Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.

Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.

Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.

Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.

Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac.

Love is losing your appetite. (http://groups.fropki.com/)
(http://groups.fropki.com/)
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.

Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.

(http://groups.fropki.com/)Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.

Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener

abhisays

06-11-2011, 11:27 AM

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BEDGRIjDpvM/TjvystDCSEI/AAAAAAAAC1s/gGg6qWIyumg/s1600/office_humor_jokes__1_.jpg

MissK

06-11-2011, 09:29 PM

I wonder if the waiter was a chemist too!:laughing:

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13337&stc=1&d=1320599598

ndhebar

16-11-2011, 09:33 PM

Place your mouse on the E below , click and drag to the U.

E ven you can't see Him, GOD is there for U

ndhebar

16-11-2011, 09:37 PM

http://www.myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13801&stc=1&d=1321465039

bhoomi ji

17-11-2011, 09:05 AM

Place your mouse on the E below , click and drag to the U.

E ven you can't see Him, GOD is there for U
great...........:bravo::bravo::bravo:

ndhebar

29-11-2011, 06:03 PM

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14075&stc=1&d=1322575400

abhisays

11-12-2011, 09:00 AM

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...........
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

ndhebar

27-02-2012, 07:42 AM

One bright morning...
in the middle of the night,
two dead boys came out to fight. they stood back to back and faced each other
drew their swords and shot each other.
the deaf policeman heard the noise and came to kill those two dead boys.
If u don't believe my story
its true
ask the blind man
he saw it too!

abhisays

13-03-2012, 06:44 PM

Mistakes on a resume

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

abhisays

19-03-2012, 06:14 PM

Interesting comments by various personalities on Sachin’s century;

1. Digvijay Singh – Sachin is an RSS agent. All these days he was waiting to score his century against a Muslim country.

2. Manmohan Singh – I congratulate Sachin and also appreciate leadership of Shrimati Sonia Gandhi.

3. Rahul Gandhi – My grandmother created Bangladesh. She deserves the credit for this century. ...

4. Raj Thakrey – Sachin has proved himself to be a true Marathi Manus after scoring this century. So what if India has lost, Maharashtrians can not take the responsibility of the whole nation.

5. Mulayam Singh Yadav – If Sachin was from UP, I would have made tickets of all Cricket matches ‘Tax free’.

6. Anna Hazare – Sachin deserves to be the next lokpal of the country.

7. Baba Ramdev – If you multiply all the runs Sachin has made by a billion is what is the total black money in foreign country.

8. Kapil Sibbal – Social media need to control comments on Sachin’s century. It will harm the fabric of secularism in India.

9. Swami Agnivesh – Now that Bangladesh has helped Sachin score his 100th century, they have proved to be a true friend of India. Lets welcome their citizen in India and let them live wherever they can. Lets issue them voter’s ID card.

10. Kris Shrikant – We selectors hope that by 2050, Sachin will also score his 150th century.

11. Arjun Tendulkar – I want to play with my father in 2020 world cup.

12. Sachin Tendulkar himself – Aaeellaaaa…. Now what excuse I will make to not retire.

abhisays

29-03-2012, 11:42 AM

Headlines in 2050

*Anna's grand nephew Munna Hazare is on ANSHAN against corruption, Government says LOKPAL BILL will be passed in a week

*Sachin hoping for his 500th century, says he might play the next world cup! The legend re-iterates that it would be selfish thought to retire from the team when in top form and he has not thought of retirement till now.BCCI says that Sachin and Arjun Tendulkar are the best ODI opening partners in the world.

*Petrol climbs to Rs.65 (per drop)!

*Facebook is declared a country.

*A Girl in Delhi traveled 50 feet safely!

*Lakhshwadeep becomes 63rd team to join IPL.

*Pakistan now wants Tamil Nadu, PM says that they can resolve issues by peaceful talks.

* Afjal Guru dies at 85 in jail of high cholesterol due to too much biriyani

*Union Foreign Minister Ajmal Kasab leaves for 3 days Pakistan visit.

* Ranvijay Singh says that Mehul Gandhi (son of Priyanka Gandhi) is now ready to become prime minister.

* BJP promises to construct Ram Mandir within 10 years.

* Baba Ramdev holds dharnas through video conferencing from TincanIsland to bring back black money stashed abroad.

* India's population reaches 200 crores. The planet earth's axis tilts by 15 degrees due to excessive population weight over the Indian sub-continent.

* India's Male:Female ratio reaches 1000:500. Government makes new law permitting two men to marry one woman.

abhisays

31-03-2012, 11:01 AM

A government employee of India

A government employee of India was sitting in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.

“This will look good on my mantel,” he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

“I would like an ice-cold Lassi right now.”... He gets his Lassi and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible.”

Suddenly, he’s on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. “I wish I’d never have to work again.”

Instantly, he was back in his government office…

abhisays

31-03-2012, 11:02 AM

Indian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he move...s on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!

abhisays

14-04-2012, 09:03 AM

Full form of SHADI

S: shanti Bhang

H:Himmat khatam

A:Aazadi samaapt

D: Dimag kharab

I: Imtihan chalu

jiski ho gayi
Jhelo

Aur jiski nahi hui, soch lo

anjaan

14-04-2012, 08:00 PM

Thanks guys for making this thread a big hit. :bravo::bravo::bravo::bravo:

abhisays

22-04-2012, 08:21 AM

Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband. "Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours!
***************************************
There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman Before Marriage And After Marriage.
************************
Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.
*********************************************
Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What. Let Me Talk to Her, I'll See What I Can Find out and I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said Yes
The Rabbi Replied, "Take the poison
**************************************
Difference Between Complete & Finish... People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED

neelam

28-04-2012, 10:42 AM

5 Things which can happen only in Bollywood Movies

1. At least one of the identical twins born is evil.
2. While defusing a bomb,don’t worry which wire to cut,you will always choose the right one.
3. A police can solve a case only when he is suspended from duty.
4. A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up but will show pain when a woman is trying to clean his wound.
5. If you decide to start dancing on street,everyone you meet will know the step.

neelam

28-04-2012, 10:53 AM

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place — you either married it or gave birth to it!

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:41 PM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:42 PM

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began shouting greetings to her, "Hello! How are you?! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter approached the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"Well, I'm really surprised to see you!" the woman exclaimed. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I'd been doing pretty well since you died, actually," her husband replied. "I married the beautiful, young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I have been traveling all around the world. In fact, we were on vacation in Cancun when I went water-skiing today. I fell and hit my head, so here I am. What a bummer! Anyway, how do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis," she replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . or there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters)

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:42 PM

Amy phones her husband at work, "Sam, do you have time for a chat?"

"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."

"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."

"I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."

"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:42 PM

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.

When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."

"Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"

The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Smith on the third floor."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:43 PM

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:43 PM

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:43 PM

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:44 PM

One evening, a young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:44 PM

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:44 PM

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:45 PM

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 07:45 PM

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

He never knew what hit him.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:01 PM

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:01 PM

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger."

The other replied, "Yes I am. I married the wrong man."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:02 PM

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:02 PM

When a newly married man looks happy; we know why.

But when a man who is married for ten years looks happy - we wonder why.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:02 PM

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:03 PM

After a quarrel, a wife said to the husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:04 PM

Young Boy: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:05 PM

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:05 PM

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. an older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs.Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:06 PM

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."

The first nurse said, "She was just trying to comfort you. what's so frigtening about that?"

Patient: "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:07 PM

Jack died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yatch and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:07 PM

A woman wakes up at night to find her husband not in bed. she finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought.

"What's the matter, dear?", she asks.

The husband looks up. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. "Do you remeber when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'."

"I remember that too," she replies.

He wipes a tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:07 PM

Man: "What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"

Woman: "Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!!!"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:08 PM

Boy: "Are you sure that you only love me?"

Girl: "Yea. I checked the whole list yesterday."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:08 PM

It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from watching a movie.
Alice was feeling romantic. "Will you still love me when my hair has turned to silver? she crooned.
"Why not?" Al grunted. "Didn't I love you through four other shades?"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:09 PM

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR

Ocean crossing flight: "This is your Captain speaking. I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices."

"Hey folks, we are going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts."

"Our loss of altitude allows a close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it is all a part of our airline's new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing extravaganza"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:10 PM

Once there was a millionaire who kept alligators in apool in his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, "My dear guests.... I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he had said this there was a large splash. There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might and screaming for his life. The crowd cheered him on. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries.

The millionare was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy said, "Listen, I don't want your money nordo I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:10 PM

MARRIAGE PROPOSALS - STATISTICS

54 percent of men still get down on one knee.

44 percent of men ask their partner's father for permission to marry.

57 percent of men cry when she says "YES".

25 percent of couples wait longer than five years before taking their relationship that step further.

23 percent of women have been proposed to more than once.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:11 PM

FURTHER THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR

As the plane turns around immediately after take off....."uhhhh... we have to go back....we...we.....uhhhhhhh.....forgot something......."

"I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we will be flying much more efficiently now."

"Fasten your seat belts" (same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get into his car)

"This is your Captain speaking..... These stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.... so you will have to give me some leeway...."

"It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:11 PM

In Alaska's National forests, a tourist guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory. "Most bear encounters ocur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, acidentally stumble into bears. the resulting surprise can be catastrophic."

To avoid this he suggessted that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in he area, especially when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Oh, that's easy," the guide explained, "it's the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:11 PM

A manwas walking down the street when he sees a sign in a window of a travel agency that says "CRUISES - $100". He goes into the agenccy and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him into the river. Another man is walking down the street half-an-hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?"

The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:12 PM

Dinner Guest at the restaurant: "Waiter, is Palak Paneer may paneer diktha hi nahin!"

Waiter: "Jee Huzoor, woh tho bilkul theek hai, Kya apne kabhi Gulab Jamun mein gulab dekha hai?"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:12 PM

A lady very worriedly rings up the vet.

Lady: "Doctor, my dog has just drunk two litres of petrol. He is going around very fast and crazily."

Vet: "Madam, there's nothing to worry. He will stop once the petrol gets exhausted."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:12 PM

Snake's New Glasses

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:13 PM

Farm Humor

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow to pasture.

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
Because it was always running out of the pen.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.

Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
He has got no beef.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:13 PM

Revenge by Gunshot

A distraught young woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun.

She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he’s naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.

This angers her. Furious, she can no longer control her emotions. She opens her purse and pulls out the .38 handgun she bought earlier. As she takes aim, grief overcomes here and she points the gun at her own head.

“No, honey, don’t do it!” yells the boyfriend.

“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.”

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:13 PM

Nuns on a Freeway

A police man is driving down the road when all of the sudden the freeway starts to get backed up. Not long after, he finds himself stuck in traffic going about 20 miles an hour. So he drives up around the traffic to see what the problem was.

When he gets to the front, he sees 3 nuns driving in a car at about 20 miles an hour. So he pulls them over and lets the traffic get by. He then asks them "Do you know the speed limit."

They answer, "Yes" and they point towards the 22 freeway sign and say "We were going 22 miles per hour.

The policeman shakes his head and says, "No, that's the freeway sign... the speed limit sign is over there." And with that he points to the correct MPH sign.

"Ohhh..." said all of the nuns until the nun in the back starts cracking up.

"What's wrong" asks the police man...

The nun replies, "Well, you should have seen us yesterday on the 135!"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:14 PM

Turn Off the Lights

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would suddenly turn off. Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt into a loud cheer. However, when the patrons saw the nun walk in, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:14 PM

The Tea Party

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:15 PM

Happy Old Man

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:15 PM

Another Bad Day

A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Darn buddy, are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"

The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Darn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."

The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. A week later the same guy comes into the same bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Darn buddy, are you having another bad day?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my other brother is gay too!"

The bartender says, "Darn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me again."

The guy thanks him, takes his shots, and leaves. The next week the same guy walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender give me 10 shots of Jack!"

The bartender looks at him confused and says, "Darn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:16 PM

An Oxymoron is an impossibility - It just cannot exist. So let us see various oxymorons in our day to dy life which we come across.

Top 35 Oxymorons

35. State worker

34. Legally drunk

33. Exact estimate

32. Act naturally

31. Found missing

30. Resident alien

29. Genuine imitation

28. Airline Food

27. Good grief

26. Government organization

25. Sanitary landfill

24. Alone together

23. Small crowd

22. Business ethics

21. Soft rock

20. Butt Head

19. Military Intelligence

18. Sweet sorrow

17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)

16. "Now, then ..."

15. Passive aggression

14. Clearly misunderstood

13. Peace force

12. Extinct Life

11. Plastic glasses

10. Terribly pleased

9. Computer security

8. Political science

7. Tight slacks

6. Definite maybe

5. Pretty ugly

4. Rap music

3. Working vacation

2. Religious tolerance

1. Microsoft Works

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:16 PM

Two Nerds

Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:16 PM

Spel Chek

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:17 PM

Most Worthless New Inventions

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:17 PM

Unspeakable

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:17 PM

How To Appease The I.T. Dept.

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:18 PM

Will of the People

Some years ago the president, tired of his low approval ratings, called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The president said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.

"So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The president said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, express the will of the people," the president ordered.

So the agent stood up, made a fist, and punched him in the nose.

anjaan

28-04-2012, 11:18 PM

A Story of Creation

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part. At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place.

He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made.

Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time.

God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."

Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.