Hollywood Wit : Classic Off-Screen Quips and Quotes

[Dark Saint Alaick]

In LA Story, Steve Martin remarks to his new girlfriend that her breasts feel a bit weird.

"Yeah. I'm Sorry", she says, "that's because they're real."

There you have it. Hollywood in a nutshell - or a D-cup : a place where the real seems more phony than the phony and the phony seems more real than the real. In this topsy-turvy town, where reality is flipped on its head, fiction is flaunted as fact, and lies are the common currency, can we ever know the truth ?

The truth, as they say, is out there, and one way to get at it is to look at Hollywood under an X-ray instead of the usual spotlight. It cuts through the hype, schmaltz and bullshit which obscure the truth. It strips away the phony silicone and reveals the real silicone underneath. In this Thread I brings together off-screen wit from the earliest days of Hollywood to the present. Enjoy it.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

1. Love

(Dating. Love. Sex. Marriage. Divorce. Friendship)


The worst thing I have to do a date is pretend I haven't heard the line 'I don't just like you because you're Jack Nicholson' before.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12676&stc=1&d=1319023107


-Jack Nicholson

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Love conquers all things - except poverty and toothache.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12675&stc=1&d=1319022800


-Mae West

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Every man I've known has fallen in love with Gilda and wakened with me.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12677&stc=1&d=1319023345

-Rita Hayworth

[Dark Saint Alaick]

There are woman with whom you can discuss the molecular theory of light all evening, and at the end they will ask you what your birth sign is.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12678&stc=1&d=1319023562

-Roman Polanski

[Dark Saint Alaick]

The words, 'I love you' are really a question.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12679&stc=1&d=1319023675

-Meryl Streep

[ndhebar]

A wonderfull thred...
delicious....

[MissK]

One interesting thread with many interesting quotes!!:good:Keep it up.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

There are so many guys out there with huge egos. Still, I prefer Hollywood dating to the Welsh version. Where I come from it's, "Do you want a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps? I've got a transit van in the car park." At least here I'm taken out for dates in a private jet.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12786&stc=1&d=1319093224


-Katherine Zeta Jones

[Dark Saint Alaick]

I still remember sitting in a darkened movie theater with my arm around 17 -year- old Mary Joe Ramussen, trying to get to first base. I cane even remember the name of the film : The Lion King.


http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12787&stc=1&d=1319093854


-Steve Martin

[Dark Saint Alaick]

I'm the modern, intelligent, independent-type woman. In other words, a girl who can't get a man.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12788&stc=1&d=1319094113

-Shelley Winters

[Dark Saint Alaick]

No matter how much a woman loved a man, it would still give her a glow to see him commit suicide for her.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12789&stc=1&d=1319094867

-H. L. Mencken

[Dark Saint Alaick]

I like to wake up every morning feeling a new man.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12790&stc=1&d=1319095032

-Jean Harlow

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Sex. I like it. And it likes me.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12853&stc=1&d=1319280995


-Joan Crawford

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Sex is like death, only after death you don't feel like a pizza.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12854&stc=1&d=1319281173


-Woody Allen

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Sex is simply the business of the three people involved.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12855&stc=1&d=1319281420


-Tallulah Bankhead

[Dark Saint Alaick]

I think men believe what they see in the movies - that I am going to throw my head back and have an orgasm in two minutes. I have never done that. It is Implausible.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=12856&stc=1&d=1319281764


-Sharon Stone

[Dark Saint Alaick]

There is less successful sex in Hollywood than in Wichita, Kansas. Hollywood, uninhibited centre of venery, is more headquarters for impotence than stallion play.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13060&stc=1&d=1319550245

-Ben Hecht

[Dark Saint Alaick]

If I had a many love affairs as I've been given credit for. I'd be in a jar in the Harvard Medical School.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13061&stc=1&d=1319550445

-Frank Sinatra

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Husbands are chiefly good as lovers when they are betraying their wives.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13062&stc=1&d=1319550602

-Marilyn Monroe

[Dark Saint Alaick]

They called Sammy Davis Jr 'The Carpenter' because he nailed every girl he met.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13063&stc=1&d=1319550784

-Itovise Davis (Mrs. Sammy Davis Jr)

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Hell, if I'd jumped on all domes I'm supposed to have jumped on. I'd have had no time to go fishing.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13064&stc=1&d=1319551085

-Clark Gabel

[Dark Saint Alaick]

It is doubtful whether sex is played a more vital role in Hollywood than it did in any large department store or Eastern advertising business.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13135&stc=1&d=1319974434

-Budd Schulberg

[Dark Saint Alaick]

In Hollywood, marriage is a success if it outlives milk.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13130&stc=1&d=1319922860

-Rita Rudner

[Dark Saint Alaick]

After Last Tango in Paris, waitress in restaurants would bring me butter with a funny smile.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13131&stc=1&d=1319923057

-Marlon Brando

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Whatever happened to the days when sex was Celia Johnson and Rachmaninov on the piano ?

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13136&stc=1&d=1319974708

-Hugh Grant

[Dark Saint Alaick]

I only have two rules for my newly born daughter : she will dress well; she will never have sex.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13137&stc=1&d=1319974875

-John Malcovich

[Dark Saint Alaick]

What's the hardest things for one actor to say to another ?
"Happy golden wedding anniversary darling."


http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13216&stc=1&d=1320199358

-Jay Leno

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Movie stars and monogamy go together like cornflakes and tobacco.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13217&stc=1&d=1320199752


-Julia Llewellyn Smith

[Dark Saint Alaick]

I find it impossible to conceive of spending a whole day with someone let alone getting married.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13218&stc=1&d=1320200000

-Christian Bale

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Marry me and you'll be farting through silk for the rest of your days.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13219&stc=1&d=1320200241

-Robert Mitchum (Proposing)

[Dark Saint Alaick]

When Fernando Lamas proposed to me, he said, "Let me take you away from all this." And I said, "Away from all what ? I'm a movie star !"

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13222&stc=1&d=1320200543

-Esther Williams

[Dark Saint Alaick]

My marriage license reads, "To Whom it may concern."

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13223&stc=1&d=1320200665

-Mickey Rooney (Married 8 times)

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Mother told me a couple of years ago, "Sweetheart, settle down and marry a rich man." I told, "Mom, I am a rich man."

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13804&stc=1&d=1321523782

-Cher

[Dark Saint Alaick]

I've married a few people I shouldn't have, but haven't we all.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13805&stc=1&d=1321524294

-Mamie Van Doren

[Dark Saint Alaick]

You have no idea of the woman I didn't marry.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13806&stc=1&d=1321524553

-Artie Shaw

[Dark Saint Alaick]

I think every woman's entitled to a middle husband she can forget.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13807&stc=1&d=1321524845

-Adela Rogers St.Johns

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Peter Sellers had four wives and eight heart attacks.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13808&stc=1&d=1321525268

-John Frank

[Dark Saint Alaick]

All the lines of dialogue in Natural Born Killers are things Oliver Yelled at me. It's my divorce up there on screen.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14039&stc=1&d=1322433867

-Elizabeth Stone

[Dark Saint Alaick]

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset I'm not a widow.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14040&stc=1&d=1322434035

-Roseanne

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Roseanne went on Saturday Night Live and said I had a 3-inch penis. Well, even a 747 looks small if it's landing in the Grand Canyon.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14041&stc=1&d=1322434358

-Tom Arnold (Ex-Husband Roseanne)

[Dark Saint Alaick]

A TV host asked my wife, "Have you ever considered divorce?" She replied, "Divorce never, murder often."

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14042&stc=1&d=1322434758

-Charlton Heston

[Dark Saint Alaick]

There's a group for men in Hollywood called Divorce Anonymous. It works like this : if a member of the group starts to feel the urge to divorce, they send over an accountant to talk him out of it.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14043&stc=1&d=1322435155

-Sean Connery

[Dark Saint Alaick]

I never speak of my ex-husbands excepts under hypnosis.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14044&stc=1&d=1322435534

-Joan Collins

[Dark Saint Alaick]

The monster was the best friend I ever had.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14130&stc=1&d=1322789911

-Boris Karloff

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Most of my fellow picture stars I only know well enough to sneer at.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14131&stc=1&d=1322790294

-Constance Bennett

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Why do Hollywood divorces cost so much? Because they're worth it.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14132&stc=1&d=1322790633

-Johnny Carson

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett broke up this week. Roberts says that for her, the marriage was over when she realized, "I'm Julia Roberts, and he's Lyle Lovett."

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14133&stc=1&d=1322791031

-Norm McDonald

[Dark Saint Alaick]

The only friends I have in this goddamned town are Haig & Haig.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14134&stc=1&d=1322791460

-John Barrymore

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Ben Affleck is my best friend. He's the first guy I'd call if I woke up in a hotel room with a dead hooker.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14135&stc=1&d=1322791948

-Matt Damon

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Hollywood ... where a producer loves you to death until the end of the job and can't recognize you on the street next day.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14136&stc=1&d=1322792317

-Raymond Chandler

[ndhebar]

ben affleck is my best friend. He's the first guy i'd call if i woke up in a hotel room with a dead hooker.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14135&stc=1&d=1322791948

-matt damon
हिंदी में बोले तो
चोर चोर मौसेरे भाई

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15087&stc=1&d=1328814348

-Fred Allen

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Hollywood's where you spend more than you make, on things you don't need, to impress people you don't like.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15088&stc=1&d=1328814884

-Ken Murray

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Hollywood - that's where they give Oscars to people like Charlton Heston for acting.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15089&stc=1&d=1328815271

-Shirley Knight

[Dark Saint Alaick]

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, stuff it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15090&stc=1&d=1328815725

-Fred Allen

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you find the real tinsel underneath.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15091&stc=1&d=1328816059

-Oscar Levant

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Everything you hear about Hollywood is true ... including the lies.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=23671&stc=1&d=1359016009

-Orson Welles

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Nobody in Hollywood is innocent.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=23672&stc=1&d=1359016256

-Cary Grant

[rajnish manga]

Nobody in Hollywood is innocent.

http://myhindiforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=23672&stc=1&d=1359016256

-Cary Grant


:bravo:

Thank you very much for a wonderful and captivating collection of celebrities -old and not so old - from HOLLYWOOD alongwith their witty quotes.