Funny Jokes....

[Rinu]

I am sharing some wonderful funny jokes....njoy:)

[Rinu]

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole.

The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first."

The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

[Rinu]

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast! I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replied, "Heck, I ain't worried. It won't affect us ducks."

[Rinu]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.

"The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked,

"Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

[Rinu]

Two little snakes were wiggling along the side of the road when the first little snake turned to the second little snake and asked, "Are we poisonous?"

"Why?" asked the second little snake, to which the first little snake replied, "Because I just bit my lip!"

[Rinu]

Once there were these two birds that, every year for quite a few years, had one egg, which they hatched and nurtured and loved until the little chick was ready to leave the nest.

Then, one year, they had two eggs! Well, they were just so excited they could hardly stand it; this year they would each have an egg to take care of and love. They kept close watch on those two eggs so that no harm came to them.

Then one day when the eggs were ready to hatch, an earthquake shook the tree that the nest was in; the two birds flew away to safety, all the while worrying about those two eggs that were about to hatch.

When the tremor was finished, they hurried back to the nest.

As they neared it, they heard one strong "Cheep" coming from the nest. They were worried that something might have happened to the other egg, but when they got to the nest, they found that there were two chicks cheeping in unison.

This just goes to show that two can cheep as lively as one.

[Rinu]

Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."

[Rinu]

Bernie is walking down High Street in Brooklyn when he notices the following sign in the shop window of 'Moshe's Kosher Emporium' -ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM

So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.

"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.

"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."

"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It's a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"

[Rinu]

After a lengthy delay for plane repairs, the passengers were becoming impatient but quit complaining when the pilot told them:

"Why don't you look at it this way? Wouldn't you rather be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here?"

[Rinu]

There once was a wise sage who wandered the countryside. One day, as he passed near a village, he was approached by a woman who told him of a sick child nearby. She beseeched him to help this child.

So the sage came to the village, and a crowd gathered around him, for such a man was a rare sight. One woman brought the sick child to him, and he said a prayer over her.

"Do you really think your prayer will help her, when medicine has failed?" yelled a man from the crowd.

"You know nothing of such things! You are a stupid fool!" said the sage to the man.

The man became very angry with these words and his face grew hot and red. He was about to say something, or perhaps strike out, when the sage walked over to him and said: "If one word has such power as to make you so angry and hot, may not another have the power to heal?"

And thus, the sage healed two people that day.

[Rinu]

A wedding occurred, in Austrailia. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a humongous fight and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting "Silence in Court." The courtroom goes silent and DANNY (the best man) stands up and says, "Your honour, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The judge agrees and asks Danny to take the stand. Danny begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in an Austrailian wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says "OK."

"Well", said Danny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song. All of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The judge responded "God, that must have hurt!"

Danny replied "HURT! He broke three of my damn fingers!"

[Rinu]

Three friends
, one Bengali, one Pathan and one Tamil were traveling in train. After discussing many more things - one of the friends asked, " Now please let us discuss - What is the meaning of WIFE?"

First turn to tell the meaning of wife was Bengali. The Bengali started," Wife is like a book. Read it, read it; when you fed up keep aside it."

Next turn was of Tamilian. The Tamilian started, "Wife is like a rose. Smell it, smell it; when you fed up. throw it".

Third and last turn was of Pathan, "Wife is like a cassette. Listen it, listen it; when you fed up, reverse it".

[Rinu]

While traveling recently, a friend went into a convenience store to prepay for gasoline and returned with two plastic bottles of soda which he handed to his wife. To her dismay, it fizzed and formed all over her lap.

Several miles down the road, my friend asked for his soda. Handing it to him, his wife warned, "Be careful. These are really over carbonated."

When he opened his bottle, it barely hissed. Eyes on the road he nonchalantly said, "That's a relief. I was worried it would spray all over me.

You must have gotten the one I dropped."

[Rinu]

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

[Rinu]

One night, a man with no voice and his friend went to a bar. The men at the bar wanted to know what he would like in a woman. He pointed to his head. His friend explained that he wanted a smart woman.

Then, he rubbed his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend explained that he wanted a woman with money. Then, he opened his hands wide, bent his fingers, and made them cupped. He bounced them under his chest. His friend looked at him kinda wierd.

"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

[Rinu]

Three best friends
are talking about problems at work. The first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

The second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under our bed and it wasn't mine."

The third friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse!" Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

[Rinu]

Sharon tells her best friend Ruth, "I've broken off my engagement to Morris."

"Oh Sharon," says Ruth, "I'm so sorry. Why?"

"Because my feelings towards Morris have changed - they just aren't the same anymore," replies Sharon.

"So tell me," whispers Ruth, "are you giving him back the engagement ring?"

"No I'm not," replies Sharon, "my feelings towards the ring haven't changed."

[Rinu]

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

[Rinu]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[Rinu]

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

[Rinu]

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes.

His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"

I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you".

[Madhu]

It's really very funny dear....:rolling::rolling::rolling:

[Madhu]

now look at these.......:)

[Madhu]

So Karl Marx dies and shows up at the gates of heaven to be met by Saint Peter.

"Name?" asks Peter.

"Marx, Karl Marx." replies the famous author.

"Hmm," says Peter to himself, "why do I know that name?"

"I am Marx," Marx said, beaming with pride, "founder of socialism and the driving force behind the communist ideal called Marxism."

"I see," Peter said. "I'll have to check with God."

So Peter rushes off to confer with God. God hears the name Marx and immediately a look of disgust infects His face. "Marx?" God says, "He's nothing but a trouble maker. Send him down to hell."

So Peter happily signs the appropriate forms and deports Karl Marx to Satan's fiery hell.

Some time later, a free trade agreement is forged between Heaven and Hell. The deal is hailed by all to be a great economic leap forward that would revitalize both struggling economies. But soon after the treaty,God realizes that Heaven is no longer receiving any products from Hell. So he sends Saint Peter down to investigate.

"Well?" asks Peter of Satan, "What's the hold up? We have an agreement!"

Satan shrugs his shoulders, exasperated. "It's that Marx fellow," Satan replied. "Ever since he got down here, all we've had are strikes and labor demands. Productivity has dropped to zero!"

"So?" Peter asks, "What would you have us do?"

"Take him back. Take Marx back to Heaven, and I guarantee productivity will sky rocket!"

So Peter agreed, on God's behalf, to accept Karl Marx back to Heaven.

Some time later Satan realizes that Hell has not received any orders for product from Heaven. In fact, very little communication at all has leaked from Up Above. So, concerned for the economic welfare of Hell, he makes a trip to Heaven.

"Peter! Peter, are you there?" Satan demands.

"Yes, what is it?" Peter answers.

"What's the hold up? What about the flow of trade?"

"Oh I'm sorry," Peter said, "We have decided to adopt a Marxist isolationist stance. We are an intrinsic self-governed body that is now based on the needs of the proletariat. It is our opinion that this free trade agreement only benefits the bourgeois."

"What?!" Satan was furious. "I demand to speak to God!"

Peter's eyebrow is raised in confusion. "Who?"

[Madhu]

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro".

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."

[Madhu]

AP and UPI reported that the American Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide."

The only two higher levels in America are "surrender" and "collaborate."

The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of America's white flag factories, effectively disabling their military.

[Madhu]

President Parvez Musharraf was awakened one night by an urgent call from the GHQ. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."

[Madhu]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still live," Osama himself decided to send George W. A letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: "370HSSV-0773H"

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, on then to the NSA, then to the Secret Service. With no clue as to it's meaning, they eventually asked Canada's RCMP for help.

The RCMP cabled the White House as follows:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down!"

[Madhu]

Due to a minor glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso and George W. Bush all arrived at the Pearly Gates simultaneously.

Saint Peter said, "You look like three famous people, but you have no idea the length people will go to sneak into Heaven. You must prove who you are."

Einstein requests a blackboard and chalk, then covers it many times over with arcane mathematics describing his special theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

Then Saint Peter turns to Picasso. "Give me that chalk," says Picasso.

With a few deft strokes he creates a stunning array of bulls, satyrs and nude women.

Saint Peter applauds. "You really are Picasso! Welcome to heaven!"

Saint Peter then turns to George W. Bush. "Einstein and Picasso have proved their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Dubya looks bewildered. "Who's Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs. "Come on in, George."

[Madhu]

Two neighbors got into an argument about presidential politics. The first guy asked, "Why are you such a dedicated Republican?"

The second guy replied, "My Father and Grandfather were Republicans before me and I am carrying on the family tradition."

"That's it?" said the first exasperated neighbor. "What if your Father and Grandfather had been horse thieves?"

"Well..." replied the second neighbor, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you."

[Madhu]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body.
'Clinton, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,' says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. 'Suharto, 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

'Nothing unusual here', thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

'Ah,' says the coroner. 'This is the most unusual one. Dr. Mahathir, 75, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

To which the coroner replies, 'He thought he was having his picture taken.'

[Sameer]

very nice dear......
:rolling::rolling::rolling:

[Sameer]

want some more jokes.....:gm::gm:

[Sameer]

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?

[Sameer]

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

ha ha ha.....:party:

[Sameer]

A Sardar Doctor and Pundit loved same girl.

Pundit started giving an apple to the girl everyday.

Sardar Doctor asked: WHY ??

Pundit: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

[Sameer]

A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me...
I must be a god!

[Sameer]

A Very Funny beautiful girl was a college student.

Once Very Funny Girl comes late to class.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Very Funny Girl : One boy was following me, sir.

Teacher: So, What?

Very Funny Girl : That boy was walking very slow.

[Sameer]

Judge asks a little Kid: Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mummy?

Kid: No, my mummy beats me.

Judge: Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.

Kid: No, my daddy beats me too.

Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?

Kid: I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!

[Sameer]

Angry Boss: Have you ever seen an owl?

Employee: (looking down) No Sir...

Boss: Don't look down. Look at me.

[Sameer]

Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you?

Funny Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will you survive?

[Sameer]

A Funny man & his wife go to a coffee house. Funny man buys 2 cups of coffee. Funny Man: Drink quickly... drink quickly... before it gets cold. Wife: But why... Funny Man: They charge Rs. 50 for hot coffee and Rs 100 for cold coffee.

[Sameer]

Sardar Ji: Why have you increased speed of car?

Laloo: Break has failed. We should reach home before accident.

[Madhu]

Laloo rang labor room of hospital to to know about his pregnant wife Rabri. By mistake he dialled the number of a cricket stadium.

Laloo: How's it going?

Reply: Fine, four are already out. The last one was a duck.

[Madhu]

Husband: I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get!

[Madhu]

Three life insurance salesmen of different countries were having a chat.

Pakistani: When a man died, we processed the claim and delivered the check within 24 hours.

Indian: When a man died, we delivered a check the same evening.

American: That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the WTC building. A man was working on the 50th floor. He slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!

[Madhu]

American Girl: When my grandfather died he left 10 million dollars.

Indian Girl: When my grandfather died he left 20 million dollars.

Pakistani Girl: That’s nothing, When my grandfather died he left the whole world.

[Madhu]

Laloo applied for the post of a detective in Patna. In the interview he was asked a question:

Who killed Mahatma Gandhi?

Laloo: I will tell you tomorrow.

Laloo come home and tells his wife: I got the job and my first work is to investigate who killed Gandhi.
Teacher: What happened in 1869?

Student: Mahatma Gandhi was born.

Teacher: What happened in 1873?

Student: Gandhi was four years old.

[Madhu]

Chemistry Teacher: What is the chemical formula of water?

Student: HIJKLMNO.

Chemistry Teacher: What are you talking about?

Student: Yesterday you said H to O.

[Madhu]

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.

Funny Husband: I know all that.

Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Funny Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.

[Madhu]

Laloo: Doctor, I don't remember anything, sometimes on road I even forget if I am going to office from home or going back to home from office.

Psychiatrist: In such a condition, you should check your tiffin. If it is empty then you are going to home, if it is full, you are going to office.

[Madhu]

Little boy: Aunty, what is inside your stomach?

Pregnant Lady: It's a cute little baby.

Little Boy: If it is cute, why did u eat it?

[Madhu]

A Drunk man points towards sky and asks another drunk: Is it sun or moon?

Second Drunk: I can't say what it is, because I am also new in the town.

[Madhu]

Laloo: Doctor, when I take a bath I get wet.

Doctor: Ok, next time when you are going to take a bath, turn off the tap.

[Madhu]

Musharraf joined Pakistani army and was given a gun.

Musharraf asked his Officer: Sir, to what side should I point its nozzle, towards myself or to the opposite side.

Officer: Stupid, keep it anyway, in both the cases it will benefit the nation.

[Madhu]

Wife: Honey, if I die would you get married again?

Husband: No dear.

Wife: I'm sure you would.

Annoyed husband: Okay, I would.

Wife: Would you let her sleep in our bed?

Husband: Ya, I guess so.

Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes.

Husband: No, she is taller than you.

[Madhu]

A Pakistani army soldier walks into his officer's room.

To impress him, the army office picks the phone, dials a number and said "Yes sir, I understand sir. I will tell the Prime Minister. Goodbye."

Looking at the soldier he barked "What do you want?"
"Nothing sir." he replied. "I just came to install your telephone."

[Madhu]

Girlfriend: I can't marry you. I am one year elder to you.

Boyfriend: Very Good, I love you so much that I can wait for you for one year.

[Madhu]

A Haryanvi Tau buys a ticket for Rs 100 and wins the lottery of 1 crore. He goes to claim it.

Haryanvi Tau: I want Rs 1 crore.

Lottery Agent: We give you 10 lakh today. The rest amount will be paid in next 6 months.

Haryanvi Tau: Oh, no! I want all my money right now. If you don't do it today, then I want my Rs 100 back.

[Madhu]

School Kid: Why are some of your hair white mom?

Mom: Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hair turns white.

Funny Kid thought for a moment, and then said, "Mamma, how come *all* of grandma’s hair are white?”

[Madhu]

Laloo and his wife Rabri were angry with each other and were not talking to each other.

Laloo left a note on Rabri's bedside table, that said: "Dear Wife! Awake me at 5 am tomorrow."

Next morning, Laloo awoke at 8 am and saw a note on his bedside table: "Dear Husband It's 5 O' Clock, get up.

[Madhu]

Two short men were sitting inside a hospital.

First short man was crying loudly.

Second short man asked "Why" ?

First short man: They will cut my finger for medical blood test.

Hearing this second short man started crying even louder.

First short man asked "Why" ?

Second short man: I have come for my urine test.

[Madhu]

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Blonde Wife: Why three?

Annoyed Husband: For you and your parents.

[Madhu]

2 Haryanvi men were searching for their lost wife in a festival at Hissar city.

First Haryanvi: How does your wife look like?

Second Haryanvi: She is 5'7", 36-24-36 **** figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green **** eyes, brown hair... And yours?

First Haryanvi: Forget mine, let us look for yours...

[Madhu]

Wife: (standing in front of mirror) I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?

Funny Husband: Your eyesight is still excellent !

[Madhu]

A Russian's ass (donkey) went missing. Russian was praying and thanking God.

A Sardar saw him and asked, "Your ass is missing; Why are thanking God?"

Russian: I am thanking Him because I wasn't riding the ass at that time, otherwise I would also have been missing.

[Madhu]

A Russian ship was sinking.

Captain: Does any one know how to pray?

An Indian priest (pandit) comes forward and says he can pray.

Captain: Ok priest, you pray; Everyone else in ship will wear a life jacket. We are short of one.

[Madhu]

Blonde cuts sides of the capsule before taking it?

Guess why ??????????

..

.

.

.

To avoid side effects!!!

[Madhu]

Science Teacher: Oxygen is a must for breathing & for life. It was discovered in 1773.

Blonde Student: Thank God ! I am born after 1773 otherwise, I would have died without it.

[Madhu]

A Kid calls the Help Desk to complain a computer problem.

Kid: When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatz the joke?

Help Desk: Dear kid, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person standing behind, he can't read your password.

Kid: Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me.

[Madhu]

After becoming the CM of Bihar, Laalu ji decides to pose for a picture along with a herd of buffaloes with his elbows resting on the back of the cattle.

Next day the photo appears in
a newspaper with caption:

"Laalu ji, third from left".

[saurav]

Employment policy

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them. Precisely the reason why we save a lot in terms of training cost."

[saurav]

Dentist

A nervous lady visited a dentist to get her tooth extracted. As the dentist leaned to extract her tooth, she suddenly became very nervous and said "I would be less scared delivering a baby than getting a tooth extracted."

To this the dentist delightfully said, "Madam, you better decide fast before I adjust the chair!"

[saurav]

Students

These three guys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Grand Canyon College and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Arizona School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say's "Well, I'm an ASU Sun Devil Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

God rests his soul.

[saurav]

Salesman

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?" The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[saurav]

Health secret

Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared." I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.

"My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk. Gentlemen, I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

[saurav]

Ambition

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

[saurav]

The "typical" husband...

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy dear," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around, and she asked again.

The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper...

I meant the next baby!"

[saurav]

A matter of punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

[saurav]

Drink problem

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill.

The drunk says, "I haven't got any money." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.

Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got any money."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

[saurav]

Drink policy

A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, and climbs down off the barstool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a barstool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk and will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

[saurav]

Bar hassles
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home.

[saurav]

Lesbianism
A man walked into a bar and strode up to the counter, where a very attractive female bartender was standing. He asked her, "Hey, you wanna go out tonight?"

She said, "Sorry, I'm a lesbian."

He asked, "What is a lesbian?"

She answered, "You see that pretty blond in the corner? I want to hug her and kiss her and do all the things to her that you would do to your girlfriend."

The man paused. Then he started to cry.

The bartender, concerned, asked, "What's wrong?"

He answered, "I think I'm a lesbian too!"

[saurav]

Speed limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 Mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

[saurav]

Crocodile boots

Santa proposes to a woman. She says that she will agree only if he bring her a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears.

Finally a search operation is conducted, and they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.

He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and exclaims angrily, "71st and bare feet again!"

[rosy]

House on Fire

Once a building caught fire and two guys and Chiman were trapped in the balcony. On the ground, fire fighters caught hold of a net and asked them to jump. The first one jumped but the fire fighters removed the net and he was killed.

Then the other guy was asked to jump and again they removed the net too soon and he was dead. Seeing all this, Chiman was furious and said: ’You keep the net on the ground and get away from it. I don’t trust you.

[rosy]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you’re an engineer -- you’re in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We’ve got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I’ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[rosy]

Saluting

In our military academy, we had a civilian chemistry teacher who was very particular about cadets saluting him.

One day he reprimanded a cadet who had failed to salute him.

That same evening he complained to a colleague: “I really can’t understand it. When I’m alone no one salutes me; when I’m with my wife, half the academy salutes me; and when I’m with my daughter, every cadet salutes me!.

[sunita]

Post Of A Secretary

A "Mallu" female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the Mallu’s colourful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN." Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance."

The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."

The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said : "I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW......BLUE’s that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number ...........Don’t PURPLELY disturb people and don’t call BLACK, ok?

Thankyou."

The Manager fainted.......

[sunita]

Dentures

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached ten minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only twenty minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures... and I couldn’t stop talking!

[sunita]

Young Looks

Jimmy’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks Jimmy, "Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Jimmy replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty two; your hair, twenty three; and your figure, eighteen." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Jimmy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!"Jimmy interrupted. "I haven’t added them up yet!"

[sunita]

Teacher, Thief And Lawyer

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?" "Phew, that one’s easy," says the teacher, "The Titanic." "Alright," said St.Peter, "you may pass."

Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the Titanic?" The thief replied, "That’s a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people." And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them."

[sunita]

Drunk Man & Priest

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I’ll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[sunita]

Free Products

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste and paper items.

"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time," he replied. "I’m writing to General Motors!”

Blonde Dyes Her Hair Brown

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally
picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?

[sunita]

Professor’s Brain

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a
discussion about God’s existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?" Again, silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

Ruling

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here."

[sunita]

Skilled Samurai Warriors

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead."

"Dead is easy." replied the Jewish

Samurai. "Circumcision...now that takes skill!"

"The millionare with alligators"

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

[sunita]

The Sign

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I’m the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Different Answer

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on the street corner.

"Sure....it’s three fifteen,"he replied with a smile.
"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face."You know, it’s the weirdest thing-I’ve been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."

[sunita]

Execution

Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!! ..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."

...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

Thirteen

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn’t. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.

He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

[sunita]

Phone call

The new office-boy came into his boss’s office and said, ’I think you’re wanted on the phone, sir.’
’What do you mean, you think?’ demanded the boss.
’Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said ’Is that you, you old fool?’’ explained the boy.


ID Ten T Error

I’d like to share a little anecdote that happened in the office the other day. Young Joanne, the editor of a Yorkie publication, was having trouble with her computer.

So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Joanne called after him, ’So, what was wrong?’

And he replied, ’It was an ID ten T error.’

A puzzled expression ran riot over Joanne’s face. ’An ID ten T error? What’s that ... in case I need to fix it again??’

He gave her a grin... ;-) ... ’Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’

’No,’ replied Joanne.

’Write it down,’ he said, ’and I think you’ll figure it out.’

(She wrote...) I D 1 0 T.

[sunita]

Phone lines

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ’Can I help you?’ The man said, ’Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.’


Ghost in Corridor

A butler came running into his important master’s office.

’Sir, sir, there’s a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him?’

Without looking up from his work the master said, ’Tell him I can’t see him.’

[sunita]

Advice

“My boy,” said the magnate to his son, “there are two things that are vitally necessary if you are to succeed in business.”

“What are they, Dad?”

“Honesty and sagacity.”

“What’s honesty?”

“Always – no matter what happens or how adversely it may affect you – always keep your word once you’ve given it.”

“And sagacity?’

“Never give it.”


Who’s Idiot?


"If there are any idiots in the classroom, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don’t," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."


No brains


A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God’s existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?"
Absolute silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"

(...The student received an "A" in the class.)

Bills

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if anymore Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain."

God thinks for a few second and says, "Okay that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?" Bill Gates said, "I believe you’re in my chair."

Celebs In Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove you’re Albert Einstein?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks, "Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "You are definitely the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Dubya looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Lot Of Sins

Once Salman Khan, Shahrukh Khan and Aamir Khan died and all of them went to hell. After a few days Hrithik Roshan went to pay a visit to hell to meet them.

First he went to Salman. He saw that Salman was with a girl with one eye, one leg and no nose. Hrithik was surprised to see this. He asked God, “Why did you punish Salman like this?”

God said that he had committed a lot of sins.

Then he went to Aamir. He also had the same kind of girl. Again Hrithik asked the same question and God also gave the same answer back.

In the end he went to Shahrukh and was surprised to see that Shahrukh Khan was with Cindy Crawford.

He asked God that why did he gave Cindy to him and God replied, ’ Cindy committed a lot of sins.’

[arpitaghosh]

very funny ... :lol::laughlaugh::rolling:

[munneraja]

the name of thread.....

i think jokes are always funny....:):)

[Kalyan Das]

Q. What is Education ?

Ans. Education is an organized system through which we waste half of our life to learn how to waste the remaining half of our life.

[ABHAY]

jokes are always funny... nice job hehehe

[Kumar Anil]

q. What is education ?

Ans. Education is an organized system through which we waste half of our life to learn how to waste the remaining half of our life.

शिक्षा की इतनी सुन्दर परिभाषा ! काश मैँ कल्याण जी के संपर्क मेँ पहला आया होता तो शायद मेरा आधा जीवन बरबाद होने से बच जाता ।

[arvind]

शिक्षा की इतनी सुन्दर परिभाषा ! काश मैँ कल्याण जी के संपर्क मेँ पहला आया होता तो शायद मेरा आधा जीवन बरबाद होने से बच जाता ।
आधा नहीं बंधु..... पूरा जीवन बच जाता।

[YUVRAJ]

अहा हा हा हा ...:lol:
सही है पूरा का पूरा.................:)

हमें जीना चाहिए और सीखना चाहिए; लेकिन जब हमारा सीखना खत्म होता है तब जीने के लिए वक्त नहीं रह जाता।

[Kumar Anil]

अहा हा हा हा ...:lol:
सही है पूरा का पूरा.................:)

हमें जीना चाहिए और सीखना चाहिए; लेकिन जब हमारा सीखना खत्म होता है तब जीने के लिए वक्त नहीं रह जाता।

बहुत सुन्दर पंक्ति उद्धृत कर दी कि जब हमारा सीखना खत्म होता है तब जीने के लिए वक्त नहीँ रह जाता । ...........क्योँकि सीखना एक सतत् प्रक्रिया है ।

[aksh]

बहुत सुन्दर पंक्ति उद्धृत कर दी कि जब हमारा सीखना खत्म होता है तब जीने के लिए वक्त नहीँ रह जाता । ...........क्योँकि सीखना एक सतत् प्रक्रिया है ।

इसमें क्या शक है ?? सीखना तो मरते दम तक चलता है. उस पल आदमी को जीवन की सबसे बड़ी सच्चाई पता चलती है.

[YUVRAJ]

जब शक nahi तो अब क्या सोच रहे हैं ... :)
शूरू हो जाईये और सीखना चालू करें ... :think:
रही बात सच्चाई की तो वो सभी को होश सभालते ही मालुम होती है पर उस सच्चाई का सामना करना सभी के लिए मुश्किल है ... :boxing:
क्यूँ की सच कडुवा जो होता है ... सही कहा ना ???:scratchchin:

इसमें क्या शक है ?? सीखना तो मरते दम तक चलता है. उस पल आदमी को जीवन की सबसे बड़ी सच्चाई पता चलती है.

[abhisays]

Zail Singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand everything exceptfor the LOGIC part.
One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.
Rajiv: Zail Singhji How is your MBA preparation?
Zail : Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Rajiv: Logic is very easy.
Zail : Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house ?
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: Logically ,there will be water in it.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: Logically. someone will be feeding the fish.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: so, Logically, your are married.
Zail : YES.
Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.
Zail Singh was very glad and he understood logic.
Next day he sees Buta Singh who was also preparing for MBA.
Zail : How is your MBA preparation?
Buta : Everything is fine except for the logic.
Zail : Oh, logic is easy.
Buta : Please, give me an example.
Zail : Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Buta : NO, I don't.
Zail : Saala HOMO!!!

[jitendragarg]

:lol: :laughing: :rofl:

[bhoomi ji]

a Chinese couple Mr. Hoyo & Mrs. Hoyo had white twin babies..
they named
Jo-Hoyo
So- Hoyo


next year they had one black baby..
they named.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Yo-Ki-Hoyo !!!!!!!!!!!!

[bhoomi ji]

piece of PHILOSOPHY from a passionate bunker.....

"a always THINK of attending classes regularly

but............

for THINKING i need to bunk

[bhoomi ji]

girl- dear, what is the difference between personal and secret?

boy- dear, you are my lover that's personal

and your friend is also my lover................

that's secret

[bhoomi ji]

class room is just like a train


1st two benches are RESERVED

middle 3 benches are general compartments


last two benches are VIP sleeper coaches

[antonhoton]

CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR
Santa was flying to Chandigarh from Pune. He was allotted a middle seat but decided to take the window seat instead, which had been allotted to an old lady.
The lady requested Santa to exchange the seats and let her sit on the seat allotted to her. He refused, saying, 'I want to see the view from the window.' The old lady complained to the air hostess who requested Santa to sit on his allotted middle seat. Santa was adamant and bluntly refused.
The air hostess went up to the co-pilot. He too came and requested Santa, but in vain.
Finally, the captain of the aircraft came. He whispered something in Santa's ears. Santa immediately vacated the window seat and took the middle seat.
Astonished, the air hostess and the co-pilot asked the captain what he had said to Santa. The captain replied: 'Nothing, I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others were going to Jalandhar.

[abhisays]

BRIGHT IDEA
Just married, Sukhwant had bad news for her husband when he returned home from his day's work. 'I feel so sorry,' Sukhwant said with a sob, 'I was pressing your best suit and burnt a hole in the seat of the trousers.'
'Don't worry, darling,' said the husband amorously, 'I have another pair of trousers to match that suit.'
'Yes, I know,' Sukhwant replied. 'You're lucky that you have. Thanks to that, I was able to patch up the

[abhisays]

GREED UNLIMITED
Lala Garib Chand was a wealthy zamindar. He asked his maneem (accountant) to add up all he owned and how long it could last. The muneem added up all his assets and assured him that it would certainly hold out till the traditional saat pusht — seven generations. Far from being relieved Lala Garib Chand looked more disconsolate than before and with a great sigh of sorrow exclaimed, Hai! Hamaaree aathveen pusht ka kya hogaV (Oh! What will happen to our eighth generation?)

[abhisays]

RIDDLE
Santa and Banta met on a village road. Santa was carrying a large gunny bag over his shoulder.

'Oye,
Santa,' hailed Banta, 'what is in the bag?'
'Murgiyan

— Chickens,' came the reply.
'If I guess how many, can I have one?' asked Banta
'You can have both of them.'
'OK,' said Banta, 'five.'

[abhisays]

INDIA — THE NEW MILLENNIUM
Cheer up my son, buck up my boy,
You are living in 'The Land of Joy'. You go to school where they do not teach,
In the House of God, they hatred preach. If you have merit, you will sigh and sob,
If you are backward, you might get a job. Out of caste, if you dare to wed,
Your kith and kin will chop your head. If you are honest, in north or in south,
You will live from hand to mouth. If you are wily and your means sinister,
You are likely to become a chief minister. But remember the new maxim, my lad,
Defection is good, conversion is bad.

[abhisays]

LIKE MOTHER, LIKE DAUGHTER
While being interviewed an actress was asked whether she intended to get married in the near future.
The lady replied, 'Never, I will follow in the footsteps of my mother. Like her, I will remain single.'

[abhisays]

LABOUR WOES
The Indian and Cuban labour ministers were in the midst of a meeting.
Cuban labour minister: 'Labour problems in our nation produce hundreds of types of tensions for me.'
Indian labour minister: 'That's nothing. Labour problems in our nation produce 50,000 babies every day.'

[abhisays]

NEW INVENTION
■Banta said to Santa, I have invented a new kind of computer which behaves like a human being.'
'In what way?' asked Santa.
'Whenever it makes a mistake,' replied Banta, 'it blames other computers.'

[abhisays]

HAND BAGGAGE
Uijaagar boarded a crowded bus with a bagful of purchases. There was no vacant seat. As the old bus rattled and swayed, he supported himself precariously, holding the bag in one hand, the other hand holding the bar provided near the ceiling.
'Ticket ... ticket ... ticket,' the conductor made several rounds past Ujaagar. His wallet in his hip pocket and both hands engaged, Ujaagar didn't know what to do.
'Ticket, Sardarji,' the conductor asked again. Ujaagar thrust the bag into the conductor's hand and struggled to take the wallet out, when the conductor protested: T can't be carrying passengers' baggage like this — I'm the conductor, after all!'
'Okay, then give me the bag, and here, will you please hold the bar,' replied Ujaagar.

[abhisays]

WHAT A CHEAP ...!
Banta went to a cheap restaurant to have dinner. He ran into his friend Ram Lai who was working there as a waiter.
'Ram Lai, aren't you ashamed of working in this third-class restaurant?' he asked.
T may work in a third-class restaurant,' replied Ram Lai, 'but I don't eat in one like you.'

[abhisays]

CATCH THEM ...!
An Englishman, an American, and a Sardarji were called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman said, T think I can empty 20 bottles of beer.'
BUZZZZZ went the lie detector.
'OK,' he said, '10 bottles.' And the machine was silent. , .
The American said, 'I think I can eat 15 hamburgers.'
BUZZZZZ went the lie detector.
'Alright, 8 hamburgers.' And the machine was silent.
The Sardarji said, ‘I think ...'
BUZZZZZ went the machine!

[abhisays]

SMART MOVE
Rakesh: 'Broken off your engagement to Meena?'
Mahesh: 'She would not have me.'
Rakesh: 'You should have told her about your rich uncle in Bombay.'
Mahesh: I did. She is my aunt now.'

[abhisays]

BETTING BLUES
5anta saw that his friend Ram Lai was very depressed.
'What happened?' asked Santa.

'Yaar,
I lost Rs 800 in a bet yesterday.'
'How come?'
'Well, yesterday, the one day match between India and England was being shown live on TV I bet Rs 500 that India would win, but I lost the bet.'
'But that's only Rs 500, where did the rest go?'
'Yaar, I bet on the highlights too!'

[abhisays]

COVERING YOUR TRACKS
An editor once wrote: 'Don't be surprised if you find mistakes in this editorial newsletter. We print something for everyone. And some people are always looking for mistakes.'

[abhisays]

HONOURABLE POLITICS?
A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery which read: 'Here lies an honest man and politician.'
'Shame,' he cried, 'two people in the same grave!'

[abhisays]

ONE FOR IMAMDIN
Subedar Lehna Singh and Subedar Imamdin were in the same regiment in the British Indian Army. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. The partition separated them as Subedar Imamdin was absorbed in the Pakistan Army.
To keep his friend's memory alive Subedar Lehna Singh always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately!
When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: 'This glass is Imamdin's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each — one on behalf of Imamdin, the other for myself.'
Suddenly one evening Subedar Lehna Singh was seen with only one glass on his table. He was asked what had happened. He replied, 'You see, I have given up drinking but Imamdin has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend.'

[abhisays]

CAREER PLANNING
Banto took her son Ghanta to the headmaster and said, 'Masterjee, my Ghanta thinks about a lot of things but when it comes to work, he does nothing. What should we do for his career?'
The headmaster replied, 'Get him to apply for a job in the Planning Commission.'

[abhisays]

WHODUNIT?
I hree men applied for the job of a detective: Santa from India, Marc Grayberg, a Jew; and Tom Silanti, an Italian.
The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon the answer. When Grayberg arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, 'Who killed Jesus Christ?' He answered without hesitation, 'The Romans killed him.' The chief thanked him and he left.
When Silanti arrived for his interview, the chief asked him the same question. He replied, 'Jesus was killed by the Jews.' The chief thanked him also and he left.
Finally, Santa arrived for his interview and was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, 'Could I have some time to think about it?' The chief said, 'Ok, but get back to me tomorrow.'
When Santa arrived home, his wife asked, 'How did the interview go?' Pat came the reply, 'Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!'

[abhisays]

TONGUE OF SLIP
An Akali leader was fulminating against the Congress. Addressing a crowded university meeting, he thundered, 'The Congress wallahs are all waters of the first rogue.'
The audience burst into laughter over his lapse of tongue. The Akali leader realised he had made a mistake. He joined the palms of his hands to ask for pardon, T am very sorry, it is a tongue of slip.'
This time the laughter was louder than before. The gentleman that he was, the Akali leader was genuinely contrite, 'You must pardon me. I am always limiting the cross.'

[abhisays]

FAIR EXCHANGE
When I was a youngster,' complained the frustrated father Ujaagar, I was disciplined by being confined to my room and not allowed to play with friends. But my son has his own colour TV, telephone, computer, and CD player to keep himself amused.'
'So what do you do?' asked his friend.
I send him to my room!'

[abhisays]

OH GOD!
A disciple went to his Guru asking for tips to attain enlightenment. The Guru advised, 'Take a mala (rosary) and go up into the Himalayas and meditate.' The disciple went away.
Several months later, the Guru paid him a visit and asked, 'How do you like it up here in the snows?'
'Just fine,' replied the disciple.
'And what about the weather? Don't you freeze?'
'As long as I have my mala and my chillum (bowl full of tobacco), I don't care how cold it is.'
T am glad to hear it. Can I also have a chillum for myself right now,' asked the Guru, shivering with cold.
'Why not!' said the disciple. 'Mala! Would you bring us two chillumsl

[abhisays]

ALIVE OR DEAD
Banta and Ram Lai were working on a roof, when Banta slipped and fell to the ground. Ram Lai leaned over and called out: 'You dead or alive, Banta?'
'Alive,' moaned Banta.
'You're a liar. I don't know whether to believe you or not,' said Ram Lai.
'Then I must be dead,' said Banta, 'because you wouldn't dare call me a liar if I were alive.'

[abhisays]

SPEAKER Vs MP
Two dogs were discussing their masters.
The first said, 'My master is the speaker of the House, when I start barking, he cannot stand it and keeps saying, "please, please, please ..." to stop me from barking.'
The other, belonging to an MP, said, 'At least your master is polite. Mine is a most devious man. After abusing everyone in the house he has the audacity to put a signboard on his gate, "Beware of the dog"

[abhisays]

BLOODY ONION

My
father was a strict vegetarian
He forbade me to eat. Even onion, a harmless edible
That has nothing to do with meat. I wondered why father sermonised,
'Beware of onion, touch it not It has a bitter taste,
With danger it is fraught.' I realised the wisdom of father's sermon,
When election results were out. Is not onion, the bloody onion,
That caused the BJP's rout?

[abhisays]

HARD TO PLEASE
When Balwant Kaur disapproved the girl her son wanted to marry, a friend told the young man, 'You must find a girl who is like your mother.'
Several months later, the young man told his friend, T finally found a girl who looks, talks, and acts just like my mother.'
'Congratulations!' said his friend.
'Not yet', said the young man and added, 'this time my father objected!'

[abhisays]

SARDARS AGAIN
Santa and Banta went fishing. They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.
Santa: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish,'
Banta: 'Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.'
Santa: 'You idiot! How do we know we will get the same boat tomorrow?'

[abhisays]

WISH FULFILLED
God created a mule, and told him, 'You will be a mule, work constantly from dawn to dusk, and carry heavy loads on your back You will eat grass and lack intelligence You will live for 50 years.'
The mule answered, 'To live like that for 50 years will be too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 20 years. And it was so.
Then God created a dog, and told him, 'You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
The dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that will be too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
God then created a monkey, and told him, 'You will be a monkey. You will swing from tree to tree and act like an idiot. You will be funny, and you will live for 20 years.
The monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world will be too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
Finally, God created man and told him, 'You will be the only rational being that walks on the earth You will use your intelligence to have mastery over other creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.'
The man responded, 'Lord, to be a man for only 20 years will be too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey refused.' And it was so.
Ever since the grant of that wish man's life goes somewhat like this:
He lives the first 20 years as a man enjoying himself without a worry in the world, then he marries and have children, to support them he has to work like a mule and carry the heavy responsibility (load) of his family on his shoulders. This goes on till he is 40. The next 15 years he lives a dog's life guarding his house and eating leftovers after the children have emptied the pantry. Finally in his old age he lives the last 10 years as a monkey, entertaining his grandchildren by acting like an idiot. And so, it has been ever since.

[abhisays]

GRANDFATHER OR GRANDMOTHER?
Ujaagar's eldest daughter had been taken to the delivery room in a hospital and he was anxiously waiting outside, when he heard the crying of a newborn babe. A few minutes later a nurse came out of the delivery room.
Ujaagar rushed up to her and enquired, 'Sister, am I a grandfather or a grandmother?'

[neelam]

Susan was having a tough day and after returning home she started complaining
She said to her husband, “Nobody loves me….nobody cares for me..the whole world hates me!”
Her husband, watching TV said casually: “That’s not true dear. You are not that famous that whole world hates you.Some people don’t even know you.”

[neelam]

Tom, the Commonwealth Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a bar with some friends.
At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said “Sorry, mate, you can’t come in here – no denim.”
Tom was quite annoyed at this and retorted, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Tom, the gold medal winner in 400m .”
“Then it won’t take you long to run home and change, will it?” replied the bouncer.

[neelam]

On her way back from the theater sitting, a blonde asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”
Man hoping for an apology said, “Indeed you did.”
Blonde nodded, and said, “Oh good. Then this is my row.”

[neelam]

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window
Teacher : who just threw that?!
Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

[neelam]

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and asks him “every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?”
The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.”

[neelam]

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky.
One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. “Can’t you do something?” she demanded angrily.
“I’m sorry ma’am,” the reverend said gently, “I’m in sales, not management.”

[neelam]

A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said’, You must be the worst caddy in the world.’
‘That would be too much of a coincidence, sir’, answered the caddy in a quiet voice.

[neelam]

There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that.
So one day the boy took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.Two hours later the squawking stopped.
The kid checked the freezer and the parrot said, “Okay I’ll stop cussing, but I have one question”.
The boy said, “What”?
The Parrot asks, “What did the turkey do”???

[neelam]

“May I take your order, sir?” the waiter asked.
“Yes. How do you prepare your chickens?”
“Nothing special, sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

[neelam]

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

[neelam]

My brother Sean stopped by a sandwich shop one afternoon and placed his order with the girl at the counter. She rattled off a list of condiments, but he stopped her when she asked if he wanted white cheese or yellow.
“What’s the difference?” Sean asked.
“Hello?” replied the girl, sighing and rolling her eyes. “The COLOR is different!”

[neelam]

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. “What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?” “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

[neelam]

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”

[neelam]

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”
The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”
“Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”

[neelam]

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, “Wow, you sure must have a problem.” “If you had what I had,” the man replies, “you’d drink them fast, too.” Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, “What do you have?” “Fifty cents,” the man answers.

[neelam]

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

[neelam]

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where!”

[neelam]

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
“I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
“Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
“You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter:
“Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!”

[neelam]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The funeral director,” said his wife.

[neelam]

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”
Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
John thinks for a moment and replies “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”

[neelam]

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.
“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked.
“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”

[neelam]

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.
“When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I don’t have this problem.”
My wife smiled, “When you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

[neelam]

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the South.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked
the man seated in front of me.
“What are my choices?” he asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

[neelam]

“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
“If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
“That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”

[neelam]

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

[neelam]

A friend of mine was learning how to fly (a plane, obviously) and asked his instructor the safety benefits of a twin engine aircraft.
His reply:- If one engine fails, the other takes you to the scene of the accident.

[abhisays]

The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

[abhisays]

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

[abhisays]

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

[abhisays]

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

[abhisays]

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

[abhisays]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

[abhisays]

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

[abhisays]

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please!

[abhisays]

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

[abhisays]

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

[abhisays]

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

[abhisays]

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

[abhisays]

Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.

[abhisays]

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

[abhisays]

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

[abhisays]

A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

[abhisays]

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl.

[abhisays]

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

[abhisays]

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

[abhisays]

When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:

Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!" While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.

[abhisays]

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

[abhisays]

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

[abhisays]

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

[abhisays]

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

[abhisays]

Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

[abhisays]

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

[abhisays]

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

[abhisays]

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

[abhisays]

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."

[abhisays]

Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.

[abhisays]

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

[abhisays]

Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?

[abhisays]

"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."

[abhisays]

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

[abhisays]

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

[abhisays]

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

[abhisays]

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

[abhisays]

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...

[abhisays]

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

[abhisays]

A: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.

[abhisays]

A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?

[abhisays]

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

[abhisays]

Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

[abhisays]

A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

[abhisays]

Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

[abhisays]

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

[abhisays]

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked. "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

[abhisays]

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

[abhisays]

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

[abhisays]

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :)

[abhisays]

I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !

[abhisays]

"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"

[abhisays]

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"

[abhisays]

In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

[abhisays]

One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.

[abhisays]

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

[abhisays]

REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of
1901.

[abhisays]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)

[abhisays]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

[abhisays]

Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"

[abhisays]

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.

[abhisays]

1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard?

[abhisays]

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

[abhisays]

My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.

[abhisays]

"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"

[abhisays]

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

[abhisays]

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

[abhisays]

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[abhisays]

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

[abhisays]

Man: How can you tell if a man is happy?
Woman : Who cares?!
(Use as an example of a sexist joke.)

[abhisays]

Sardar Ji to Laloo: Your friend is kissing your wife in your home.

Laloo rushed home angrily.

After half an hour, he came back and slapped the Sardarji. Laloo said: You fool, he is not my friend.

[abhisays]

A Funny husband was returning home after cremating his wife.
He sees heavy lightning and thunderstorm in the sky.
Funny Husband thinks: She must have reached there.

[abhisays]

Husband: I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get!

[abhisays]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[abhisays]

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

[abhisays]

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Anthony."
"Good morning father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Father Murphy, what is this?" Anthony asked.
"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"

[abhisays]

Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"

[abhisays]

The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood."
"Thank you, this will be noted."
Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for you?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it's YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[abhisays]

A little woman called "Mount Sainai" Hospital. She said "Mount Sainai Hospital? Hello, Dearie. I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse. I want all the information from top to bottom, soup to nuts, from A to Z."
The voice on the other line said, "Would you hold the line please, that's quite an unusual request."
Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"
She said, "Yes, dearie! Thank you! Now, I'd like to know the information about Serena Hossleberg in Room 622."
He said, "OK give me minute to bring up that file..."
Ok here we are... Now, Mrs. Hossleberg is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home next Thursday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home next Thursday! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful, wonderful news!"
The guy on the other end says, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."
She said, "What close family? I AM Serena Hossleberg!! My silly doctor just won't tell me anything."