Punography

[internetpremi]

· I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

· Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

· The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

· Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

· Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

· I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

Nice.............................................. .............

[rajnish manga]

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

· Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.



Amazing instances of Punography. This is an altogether new line of thinking.

[internetpremi]

(From the Facebook page The Punnery)

Making egg puns is eggsactly what you'd eggspect of an Eggnogstic.

After all, the name of their religion is a perfect eggsample of an egg pun.

Egg puns are an eggstremely important part of Eggnostic belief, and those who mock them should be eggscommunicated.

They should be given no chance to eggsplain themselves; mocking an egg pun is ineggscusable behavior.

Shell I further eggsplain my eggnostic beliefs?

Omelet you decide.

[internetpremi]

What day do eggs hate most? Fry-day!
How do monsters like their eggs? Terri-fried!
What do chickens call a school test? Eggs-amination!
How do eggs leave the highway? By going through the eggs-it.
What did the eggs do when the light turned green? They egg-celerated!
What do you call an egg taking a snooze on the job? Egg-zosted!
Who wrote the book, Great Eggspectations? Charles Chickens!
Why can't you tease egg whites? Because they can't take a yolk!
Why did the egg go to school? To get "egg-u-cated"!
Why is the chef so mean? She beats the eggs!
Why did the chicken lay her egg on an axe? She wanted to hachet
Why do chickens lay eggs? Because if they dropped them they would break!
What do Chickens grow on? Eggplants!
What did the mommy egg say to the baby egg? You're "Egg-stra special".
What does the cihcken say to get across a busy street? EGGS-cuse me please!

[rajnish manga]

:bravo:

Well eggsplained, preggmatic and not phleggmatic. I am so eggcited, yaar.

[internetpremi]

Silly Hinglish Puns for idle Desis only.
=============================

Which tree is always wearing an undershirt?
Banyan Tree

Why is it so expensive for Ravana to go dining in a posh restaurant?
Because they charge per head


Why are desi bananas so lonely?
Because they are all a-kela.

What did Dominos pizza say to make its competitors go away?
Pizza HUT!

At a job interview at Microsoft, the interviewer asked the applicant to “name four versions of Java.�
Desi response: “Mar java, mit java, lut java, mai sadkay java.

Why did the desi astronaut send a rose to the moon?
Because he loved gulab ja-moon.

What did one milk carton say to the other?
“What’s up, dood?�

How do fat desis get to work?
On motacycles

What’s the biggest contradiction in Tamil cinema?
Rajnikant. Because there’s nothing Rajni can’t do.


What did one pea say to the other?
I don’t know, they were muttering.


Which Indian food is a complete food?
Puri.

What do true Bollywood fans eat?
Aishwarya Raita, Anupam Kheer, Juhi Chavala, Mahesh Bhatura, Padmini Kholapuri,

Why is selling mangoes considered a humble profession?
Because mangoes are sold by the aam aadmi.

What do the police do to people who steal eggs?
Put them unda arrest.

What is our countrymen's emblem?
Aye mere watan ke logo

What did the mouse say to the cheese?
Tu cheez badi hai mast mast!!

What did the potato say when he picked up the phone?
Aloo?

[aspundir]

Great ............... nice ................ wonderful ....................

[internetpremi]

More puns from the internet
==================


... A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

... Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

... Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

... A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

... A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

... Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

... Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

... Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

... When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

... A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

... What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)


... In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

... She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

... A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

... If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.


... Every calendar's days are numbered..

... A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

... A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

... He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

... A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium At large.

... Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

... Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis..

... Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[rajnish manga]

Silly Hinglish Puns for idle Desis only.
=============================


What’s the biggest contradiction in Tamil cinema?
Rajnikant. Because there’s nothing Rajni can’t do.


What do true Bollywood fans eat?

Aishwarya Raita, Anupam Kheer, Juhi Chavala, Mahesh Bhatura, Padmini Kholapuri,


What did the potato say when he picked up the phone?
Aloo?


Fantastic and highly imaginative desi masala menu.

[internetpremi]

City puns
========
1.Which is an odd city ?----Eccentricity


2.Which is a weak city?----Incapacity



3.Which is a measuring city?-Capacity



4.Which is the most useful but dangerous city?—Electricity



5. Which is a savage city?—Ferocity



6. Which is a very bad city?---Atrocity



7. Which is a greedy city?—Rapacity



8. Which is a very fast city?—Velocity



9. Which is a bold city?---Audacity



10. Which is a fast-developing city?—Precocity



11. Which is a happy city?—Felicity



12.Which is a quarrelsome city?—Pugnacity



13. Which is a truthful city?—Veracity



14.Which is a resilient city?—Elasticity



15. Which is genuine city?—Authenticity



16. Which is a discerning city? ---Perspicacity



17.Which is a wise city?—Sagacity



18. Which is a rural city?—Rusticity



19. Which is a false city?—Mendacity



20. Which is an advertiser’s city?—Publicity



21. Which is a homely city?—Domesticity



22. Which is a hypocritical city?—Duplicity.

[internetpremi]

After Cities, it is now the Bra
====================

Which is the striped BRA? ze*BRA*

Poisonous BRA? co*BRA*

Mathematical BRA? alge*BRA*

Zodiacal BRA? li*BRA*

Magical BRA? a*BRA*kada*BRA*

Religious BRA? *BRA*hmin!

Metallic bra? *BRA*ss

Anjelina Jolie's Bra? *BRA*d pit...

Botany BRA? *BRA*nch

Marketing BRA? *BRA*nd!

Punctuation bra? *BRA*cket

Scary bra? Gha*BRA*ahat! !!!

A room where BRA's are kept? Li*BRA*ry

Bra which became the American President and inspired the whole world? A *BRA*ham Lincoln!

Which bra is very important for any vehicle? *BRA*ke

[internetpremi]

Why are malicious male humor and murder so closely related?
One is man's laughter and the other is man slaughter.

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What was the mathematician's reaction when a hidden short in his calculator made the add key subtract instead?
He was nonplussed!

------------------------------------------------------------------

Jennifer and Eric are both highly intelligent top achievers, but all six of their kids are just average. Why?
Because they're just Jenn-Eric kids!

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What would you call a lavishly catered private party where bankers dream up new ways to grab your money?
A fee-esta!

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Why did the moron embed pebbles in his upper leg?
The doctor told him his metabolism was too slow, and he wanted to get some extra thigh rocks in!

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A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.
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Does the minister's cow produce pastorized milk?
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In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
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"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
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At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you 're looking for, you've come to the right place."

=====================
When a monastery sells jams and jellies over the Internet, is that monk e-business?
-----------------------
I broke the world record for lying in bed. I got a-trophy.
-------------------------------
When I visited Paris, I saw the Eiffel tower. What an eyeful!
---------------------------------
We discovered asbestos in the basement; what should we do? Clean it up asbestos we can.
---------------------------
They are called contractors because their business keeps getting smaller.
------------------------------------
The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena. His opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could.

But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated
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[internetpremi]

When Noah commanded the animals to multiply, two snakes refused on the grounds that they were adders. Exercising his ingenuity, Noah placed them on a table that he had constructed from a small tree. "Even adders can multiply," he said, "on a log table."

A king ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.( Dont count your chickens before they hatch)


I dislike the modern music they play on television.... saxophones with string accompaniment. I firmly believe there is already too much sax and violins on TV.


An elderly lady, renowned for her green thumb, planted some special fronds and anemones. The fronds flourished, but the anemones all died. The woman was crushed, but was comforted by a friend with these words, "With fronds like that, who needs anemones?"(with friends like that who needs enemies)


A short Czechoslovakian resistance leader fled from house to house, seeking sanctuary, but they turned him away when he asked, "Please, can you cache a small Czech?"( Can you cash a small cheque?)


Father Justin Thyme was not only beloved by his flock, but was the best clock repairman in the diocese. So when the Bishop's fine old grandfather clock began to gain a few minutes per hour, it was only natural that he should send for Father Thyme. The trouble was soon found to be that the weights were too heavy and needed to be replaced. But Father Thyme steadfastly refused to remove them. Why? Well, you see, Thyme untied weights for no man(time and Tide wait for no man)


Madame Ferenc, a famous pianist, was about to make her American debut. The world renowned piano tuner Oppernockety was engaged to tune her piano. After he finished, she tried it out and declared it sounded splendid. Unfortunately, her manager believed that it was out of tune and hired the great Moluar to tune it again. When Madame Ferenc discovered this perfidy, she was enraged, and demanded that the piano once again be tuned by Oppernockety. But, alas, Oppernockety only tunes once.(opportunity only knocks once)

Jack, the butcher's son, was sent to town to sell a fine liver sausage. On the way, he met a young bird-catching woman, who was selling the Terns she had entrapped that morning. She was so charming, and Jack was so entranced, that they swapped, and Jack took a Tern for the Wurst.(Turn for the Worst( Wurst is sausage in German and tern is a bird))


A farmer kept a horse in a field. Birds repeatedly built nests in the horse's mane. Their chirping drove the poor horse insane. So the farmer took the horse to the Veterinarian, who suggested putting yeast in the mane to keep the birds out. And it worked. After all, Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.

The English Zoo at Mersey is famous for its collection of Koala bears. As you know, Koalas eat only eucalyptus leaves. But one day the painters working on the cages spilled paint on the leaves, and the Koalas refused to eat them. The painter finally found a solvent which removed the paint without killing the leaves, and reported proudly, "The Koala Tree of Mersey is not stained." (The quality of mercy is not strained - Shakespeare quotation from The Merchant of Venice)

A gentleman gambler imported 25 Basques to teach Jai Alai at his training camp in Australia. One day, while they were all eating at the dining barracks, a fire broke out but there was panic, and many died trying to get out through the only door from the barracks. The moral: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.(basques are a Spanish race) (Don't put all your eggs in one basket)

Three native American mothers sat around the campfire. One, seated on deer skin, boasted that her son weighed 140 pounds. A second, seated on her mountain lion skin, claimed that her son weighed 160 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus skin, said, "I don't have any sons, but I myself weigh 300 pounds." Which proves that the squaw on the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.(Pythagoras theorem)

Sammy Stein was walking down a narrow alley late one night when a rapidly moving vehicle entered the alley. As the vehicle approached Sammy, it proceeded faster and faster. Sammy realized he could not outrun it, but found at the last moment a niche in the wall, backed into it, and was saved. "Thank heavens," he said, "A niche in time saved Stein."( a Stitch in time saves nine)
===========================

[internetpremi]

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive
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[rajnish manga]

Wonderful !!!

Anjelina Jolie's Bra? *BRA*d pit...
**
Bra which became the American President and inspired the whole world? A *BRA*ham Lincoln!
**
A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.

**
Where would you find two BRAs side by side =
aBRAcadaBRA

A male cricketer's BRA is always known as BRAdman.

[internetpremi]

When the head of the consulting team suggested that the canal around the castle be filled up with cement, he was demoted.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge on my electric iron . Its ex-static!

He was kicked out of math class for one too many infractions

There was a big crowd as the fisherman were returning.I went to see what was the catch.

When asked whether or not I was bilingual, I was about to say I knew sign language, but I figured it was sort of a mute point.

The patient was asked to be ready for the organ transplant. He said, he had changed his mind.

The race dogs got a bad case of the fleas - they had to be scratched.
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[internetpremi]

Q: Why can't Chinese couples have white babies?

A: Because two Wongs don't make a white!
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Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

A: "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
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I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe
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I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
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My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time
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The math professor went crazy with the blackboard; he did a number on it
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I get my large circumference from too much pi.
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He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

The research assistant couldn't experiment with plants because he hadn't botany.
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[rajnish manga]

:hello:

इस प्रकार के मजेदार भाषाई प्रयोग कौन प्रस्तुत किया करेगा? जिन्हें इनकी आदत पड़ चुकी है, उनका क्या होगा- ब्रेक के दौरान?

[internetpremi]

धन्यवाद रजनीशजी।
ब्रेक तो केवल दो दिन का होगा
कल रात को रवाना हो रहे हैं।
शनिवार दोपहर (local time) को कैलिफ़ोर्निया पहुँच जाएंगे।
आशा करता हूँ कि रविवार को फ़िर से आप सब लोगों से जुड जाऊँगा।
पर, जब हम सक्रिय होंगे, तो आप सब सो रहे होंगे and vice versa.
https://secure-content-delivery.com/ping.php?iid={9A1B3115-74E4-4061-8EE7-95DD867B577C}&nid=dlc&idate=2013-5-13&testgroup=1

[internetpremi]

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

A boiled egg, is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take your laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.https://secure-content-delivery.com/ads/impression.php?i=%7B9A1B3115-74E4-4061-8EE7-95DD867B577C%7D&c=overlay&lm=1379612401547

[internetpremi]

Cricket / Movie name Puns
=====================

Goodbye Mr Slips
Star Waughs-The Umpire Strikes Bat
Gone With The W.Indies
To Kill A DickieBird
The Passion Of Gilchrist
Waugh & Peace
My Four Lady
You've Got Bails
Saving W.G Gracehttps://secure-content-delivery.com/ads/impression.php?i=%7B9A1B3115-74E4-4061-8EE7-95DD867B577C%7D&c=overlay&lm=1379955719196

[rajnish manga]

Cricket / Movie name Puns
=====================

Goodbye Mr Slips
Star Waughs-The Umpire Strikes Bat
Gone With The W.Indies
To Kill A DickieBird
The Passion Of Gilchrist
Waugh & Peace
My Four Lady
You've Got Bails
Saving W.G Gracehttps://secure-content-delivery.com/ads/impression.php?i=%7B9A1B3115-74E4-4061-8EE7-95DD867B577C%7D&c=overlay&lm=1379955719196

Very good, brother. May I dare to make some additions:

It' A Wonderful Five
Once Upon A Time In The Test
Eleven Samurai
The Ashes Of Wrath
Children Of ODIs
One Flew Over The Bookie's Test

[internetpremi]

Very good, brother. May I dare to make some additions:

It' A Wonderful Five
Once Upon A Time In The Test
Eleven Samurai
The Ashes Of Wrath
Children Of ODIs
One Flew Over The Bookie's Test


Excellent additions!
Thanks


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[internetpremi]

The difference between a champ and a chump is u.
Triumph is just umph added to try.
Don't assume. It will make an ass out of u and me.
Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough.
One thing you can give and still keep is your word.
If the going gets easy you may be going downhill.
Failure is the path of least persistence.
If at first you don't succeed try-a-grin.
People who never make a mistake never make anything else
A smile doesn't cost a cent, but it gains a lot of interest.

[internetpremi]

Jyoti Basu dies at 11.47 A.M
He almost made it to P.M again.


Kerala gets 3G services.
Now they can call themselves "GGGods own country."

Subhash Ghai was ahead of his times.
He introduced 4G way back in 1989.
A-G, oh-G, lo-G suno-G.

Lok Sabha meets. Noise. Confusion. Lok Sabha adjourns.
Was it the Joke Sabha?


Sania Mirza announces that she is going to marry Shoaib Malik.
Thank God, Sania doesn't have to do 7 pheras with Shoaib.
She wil never get past the first round.


Sachin Tendulkar's birthday today?
Let's celebrate it as runmashtami.


The good thing is that Sachin has turned 37.
Which means, for the next 365 days, he will be in his prime.https://secure-content-delivery.com/ads/impression.php?i=%7B9A1B3115-74E4-4061-8EE7-95DD867B577C%7D&c=overlay&lm=1380071061887http://js.bunchofads.com/s/flyin/close.png

[rajnish manga]

बहुत खूब, निम्नलिखित उदाहरण अतुलनीय हैं:

1. Triumph is just umph added to try.

2. One thing you can give and still keep is your word.

3. Jyoti Basu dies at 11.47 A.M
He almost made it to P.M again.

[internetpremi]

Matthew Hayden to change his name to Matthew_Hayden.
After all he is a chronic under-scorer.

All the recent happenings prove that an honest politician is the exception rather than Tharoor.

TN may free 500 convicts to mark Tamil conference.
Why? Did classical Tamil have shorter sentences?

M S Dhoni gets married.M.S. Dhoni's wife will be called Ms. Dhoni.

CWG fun begin.Now I understand why the CWG mascot is called Shera.
They want a Shera this, a Shera that, and a Shera everything that makes money.

CBI is letting suspects off the hook.
The best business prospect today: a paper factory that supplies clean chits to the CBI.

1.6 million meals to be served during CWG. Oh. No wonder they have created such a big mess.

I propose that we make mosquitoes our national insect. Then the government will try to protect them and they will all become extinct.

In Tamil Nadu, a million more TV sets will be distributed. It's an alms race.

What's the most apt advice for Arundhati Roy?
If at first you don't secede, cry, cry, cry again.

The more the Diwali sweets in your house, the faster they get spoilt : Burfi's law.

A. Raja is living proof about a pot of gold at the end of the spectrum.

Manmohan Singh's First Law of Motion.Everybody stays in a state of rest unless acted upon by Soniaji.https://secure-content-delivery.com/ads/impression.php?i=%7B9A1B3115-74E4-4061-8EE7-95DD867B577C%7D&c=overlay&lm=1380130610605

[internetpremi]

Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. Only time will tell.

Q. How's your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up.

Q. How's your job on the new highway?
A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.

Q. How's your job at the travel agency?
A. I'm going nowhere.

[internetpremi]

New names for old newspapers.

Jokesatta
Jungsatta
Hindustan Crimes
The Indian Depress
The Bad Times of India
The Advertisements of India
The Tragic Chronicle

Dainik Torture
and
DNA (Do Not Ask)!

[internetpremi]

Mr Rupee, how do you respond to all the jokes made on you?

Mr Rupee: I don't appreciate!

[rajnish manga]

New names for old newspapers.

Jokesatta
Jungsatta
Hindustan Crimes
The Indian Depress
The Bad Times of India
The Advertisements of India
The Tragic Chronicle

Dainik Torture
and
DNA (Do Not Ask)!

Innovative and Contemporary journalism.

[abhisays]

awesoeme...............thread..

[internetpremi]

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.


Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

[internetpremi]

If your feet fell asleep for too long, they’d be coma-toes.

If a knight unexpectedly gave you a large sum of money, you might be sir-prized.

Are caps worn by French taxi drivers cab-berets?

When a publisher floods the market with new books, is this a title-wave?

The best serf at the manor is a champ-peon.

Et-tu-mology is the study of Caesar’s last words.


Mental exercise to make tooth extraction more bearable is transcend-dental meditation.

Dog sleds may be left overnight in a barking lot.

A powerful sleeping pill for cattle might be called a bull-dozer.

[internetpremi]

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet
SMELL and their noses RUN.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase "fire at will".

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can
of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink

[internetpremi]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, was known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to the bar and announced "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, "But they are twins--once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."

[internetpremi]

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"


Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

[rajnish manga]

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet
SMELL and their noses RUN.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase "fire at will".

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can
of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink



Once again, avid readers wear a broad smile,
When they go through the thread for a while;
But sometimes the pun gets out of our grasp
To get funfilled, one has to walk an extra mile.

[internetpremi]

The American Medical Association has weighed in on
Obama's new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it,
but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot o f nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,
while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing
and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would
"put a whole new face on the matter".

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have t heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire
decision up to the ass***es in Washington.
==========================================

[internetpremi]

My new smartphone thinks I’m a good photographer. I took one photo with the camera, and it asked me if I want to open a gallery.
===============

Someone has been stealing t-shirts locally in order of size. Apparently he’s still at large.

================

Out shopping and disappointed with the changing room in this shop. I’ve gone in to it five times now and it’s still the same.

===============

I was going to dump all my socks, but I got cold feet.

===================


Saw a pirate standing in a pile of gold that came part way up his legs. He learned that his booty was only shin deep.

===============

An accountant friend of mine has borrowed six books now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

=================

A friend of mine asked me if I had seen his collection of Agatha Christie novels. I think he’s lost his Marples.
======================

[rajnish manga]

The experts have failed to vanquish fiends;
There's urgent need to arrest these trends;
We should go to find an amicable solution
That powers the powers that be my friends.

[internetpremi]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

[rajnish manga]

All are superb and all are equal,
We're crazy about their sequel;
Following ones are outstanding
Despite being simple n colloquial.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

3. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

[internetpremi]

Declining Knead. Corner Bakeries to shut down.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

He used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

[internetpremi]

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

He often broke into a song because he couldn’t find the key.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and it taint mine.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

[internetpremi]

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road is pure poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

[internetpremi]

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Energizer Bunny arrested—charged with battery.

If life gives you llamas, make llamanade.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it’s just kiln time.

Practice safe eating—always use condiments.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

All are superb.................


:hello: :hello: :hello:

[internetpremi]

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

Answer:- A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma a pause at the end of its clause.
================

If a two-wheeled transportation device is called a bicycle
and a three-wheeled transportation device is called a tricycle, what do you call a five-wheeled transportation device?

Answer:- A *V-hicle*.
=================

What is the difference between a man going upstairs and a man looking upstairs?

Answer:- One is stepping up the stairs and the other staring up the steps
======================

How can a small space make a man die laughing?

Answer:- Removing the *small space* can turn *mans laughter* into *manslaughter*

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

Nice............................

[internetpremi]

What have a frog and a spaceship got in common?
Answer:- One uses flies for fuel and the other uses fuel when it flies


Why are government inquiries like shots out of a cannon?
Answer:- Because they both make big reports.


Why is an orange like a church bell?
Answer:- They both have a peel (peal


What would happen if a man choked to death on a teaspoon?
Answer:- . He wouldn't be able to stir.


Why is a dog catching his tail like a financial manager?
Answer:- Because the dog also tries to make ends meet


Why is the letter "w" like a political scandal?
Answer:- It makes ill-will.

[internetpremi]

What do you have to keep in order to part with it?
Answer:- A comb (for your hair).
============

Why is the letter "g" like 12 a.m.?
Answer:- It is in the middle of the night
==========================

Why didn't Noah do any fishing off of the Ark?
Answer:- He only had two worms
=========================

If it loses an eye, only a nose is left. What is it?
Answer:- Noise
=======================

What is the best way to do bookkeeping?
Answer:- Don't lend any (books)
===============================

What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
Answer:- A jeweller sells watches; a jailer watches cells
=================

Why is a weary traveler like a bicycle?
Answer:- Because they*re both too (two) tired
==============

[internetpremi]

Why was King Darius worried when Daniel was in the lions den?

Answer:- He didn*t want the lions eating up all the prophets (profits)
=================

When the Egyptians chased Moses and the Hebrew people they encountered a cloud of darkness. What did they do?

Answer:- They turned on the Israelites.
==================

What was Joan of Arc made of?

Answer:- Joan of Arc, maid of Orleans
======================

What is the difference between a man who has no money and a feather pillow?

Answer:- The first is hard up and the second is soft down
======================

When is coffee like the soil?


Answer:- When it is ground
=================

Why is thought like the sea?

Answer:- Because it is an ocean (a notion)
===============

[eloyluisa]

************************

[internetpremi]

What is black and white and red all over?
Answer:- A newspaper
==================

When does a sculptor explode in strong convulsions?
Answer:- When he makes faces and busts
=========================

If you stumble over your new mat in the passage, what science are you shown to have neglected?
Answer:- P-neu-matics
============================
When is a door not a door?
Answer:- When it*s ajar.
======================

What is the difference between a hard-to-please literature critic and a fisherman?
Answer:
a. The critic hates the books and the fisherman baits the hooks.

b. The critic is a carper who tries to catch humans and
a fisherman is a human who likes to catch carpers.
===================

Why is a beehive like a spectator?
Answer:- They are both be(e )holders
===================

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Answer:- Hailing taxis.
========================

[internetpremi]

Why is the Panama Canal like the first "u" in cucumber?
Answer:- Because it is also between two Seas/Cs*
=====================

What wears shoes, but has no feet?
Answer:- The lining of brakes
==========================


When is a boat like a heap of snow?
Answer:- When it is adrift.
===============================

How do you communicate with a fish?
Answer:- Just drop them a line
===========================

Why does a puss purr?
Answer:- For an obvious purr-puss
=======================

Why is the Desert of Arabia the best place for a picnic?
Answer:- Because of the sand which is there
======================

Why do ducks put their heads in the water?
Answer:- For divers reasons
=====================

What is the difference between an engine-driver and a schoolmaster?
Answer:- One minds the train, the other trains the mind
=====================

[internetpremi]

What is the difference between an accepted and a rejected lover?
Answer:- One kisses his missus, the other misses his kisses
================

Why did Friday not need a cockerel to wake him up?
Answer:- Because Robinson crew so.
===================

What is the difference between a New England fisher and a Mafia network?
Answer:- One is a lobster man, the other a mobster LAN
=====================

What's the difference between a scheme to take over the world and a group of people who love this type of puzzle?
Answer:- One is a cunning plan, the other is a punning clan
=================

Why is six afraid of seven?
Answer:- Because seven eight nine!
===================

What is the difference between a skit about the wages of sin and a scam in which diluted solutions are sold as full-strength?

Answer:- One is a morality play, the other a molarity ploy.
================

[internetpremi]

What's the difference between a big embrace and a louse?
Answer:- One is a bear hug and the other a hair bug.
================

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Answer:- Unlawful is against the law; illegal is a sick bird.
=================

What's the difference between a rabbit and a lumberjack?
Answer:- One chews and hops, the other hews and chops
=========================

What is the difference between a cloud and a child receiving a spanking?
Answer:- One pours with rain and the other roars with pain.
======================

Why is a naughty boy like a postage stamp?
Answer:- Because you lick him and stick him in a corner
===================

Who gains most at a coronation, the king or his people?
Aswer:- The king gains a crown, the people a sovereign.
=====================

[internetpremi]

What is the difference between a lady and her mirror?
Answer:- One speaks without reflecting, the other reflects without speaking
=================

Why is the figure nine like a peacock ?
Answer:- Because it is nothing without its tail
==============================
What is the difference between a naughty boy and a postage stamp?
Answer:- The one you lick with a stick and the other you stick with a lick
==============================

What is the difference between a democracy and feudalism?
Answer:- In a democracy it's your vote that counts and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
============================

[internetpremi]

A good pun is its own reword.
==========================

I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn’t reach the meat that was on the top shelf. He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.
==================

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
======================

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giants’ fingers.
==========================

Santa’s helpers are subordinate Clauses.
===========================

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

Nice Quote................

[internetpremi]

Animal Puns
==========

Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

On the surface of things whales are always blowing it.

The marine biology seminars weren’t for entertainment, but were created for educational porpoises.

A horse is a very stable animal.

If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh sayer.

There were three horses on a ship including a sick bay.

After the horse ate all of his hay he had a baleful look about him.

One horse said to another: your pace is familiar but I don't remember the mane.

Sign at a deer crossing: The Buck Stops Here.

A zoo had a camel with no humps named 'Humphrey.'

He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.

Male deer have buck teeth.

The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

When a cow gives birth she not only gives cream, she is de-calf-inated.

[rajnish manga]

One needs a great deal of AQ (Animal Quotient) to understand the above statements in letter & spirit.

[internetpremi]

More animal/insect Puns


A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.



A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.

In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

One grasshopper told another about eating corn. It went in one ear and out the other.

Scientists have created a flea from scratch.

Insects that make honey are always on their best bee-hive-iour.

When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

A smelly ant was expelled from the colony because he was deodorant.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

[internetpremi]

Puns on Birds and Fowl
===============

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The flock of doves decided to stage a coo.

Peacocks are meticulous because they show attention to de tail.

The duck said to the bartender, 'put it on my bill.'

It’s amazing how eagles catch their prey, they must be really talon-ted.

Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.

When a vulture flies, he takes carrion luggage.

An angry bird landed on a door knob. Then flew off the handle.

The chicken crossed the playground to get to the other slide.

Nature reserves are an eagle opportunity employer.

[internetpremi]

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

It's OK to watch an elephant bathe as they usually have their trunks on.

Have you ever heard of an honest cheetah?

A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.

An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.

[internetpremi]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

[internetpremi]

Men do make passes at girls who wear glasses, it depends on their frames. ~ Dorothy Parker.



I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

I'm inclined to be laid back.

I don't know what possessed me to attend that seance.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no. ~ Zac Hill


I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence


They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

[internetpremi]

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? "I don't wanna be Obama self"

For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

If Anne hath a will, Anne Hathaway.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

[internetpremi]

If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!

Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

The trampoline was on sale for fifty per cent off. Needless to say I jumped on the offer.

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

Nice...........

[internetpremi]

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static!

I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back.

It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.


I didn't have the faintest idea as to why I passed out.

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

[jitendragarg]

Few completely unheard puns! :good: Great work finding these. :cheers:

[internetpremi]

Thanks Jitendra, for sharing my interest in puns.
I have hunted all over the net for these puns.
I thought I was done with this thread and was planning to close it.
But I then located some more from some obscure sites.
I will keep hunting and continue to post whatever I am able to find.
If even a single reader is able to enjoy these puns as much as I am doing, I consider it worth the effort.

Regards
GV

[internetpremi]

After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open, we finally got the ball rolling.

Astrology pisces me off.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

Make little things count. Teach midgets math.

[internetpremi]

Two men walk into a bar. The first man says ill have some H2O. The second man says ill have H2O too. The second man dies

A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.

I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.

He said I was average - but he was just being mean.

A man walks into a zoo, and the only animal there is a dog. It was a Shitzu.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you

5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

When the Dalmatian ran away, he was spotted two blocks from home.

Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.

[internetpremi]

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.

It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.

I had a little bird, her name was enza, I opened up the window and influenza.

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

Nice Pun...........

[internetpremi]

My wife tells me I'm a skeptic - but I don't believe a word she says.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Velcro - what a rip off!

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

How do you organize a party in space? You planet.

To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence

[internetpremi]

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!

My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.

[internetpremi]

Never invest in funerals, it's a dying industry.

I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there.

I quit gymnastics because I was tired of hanging around the bars.

Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

My grade in Marine Biology is below sea-level.

Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

Nice Pun.......................

[internetpremi]

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'

I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize

Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

[internetpremi]

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.

Saw a kidnapping today. Decided not to wake him up though.

I have a job crushing pop cans. It's soda pressing.

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.

My girlfriend always gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.

[rajnish manga]

The pun factory is surely operating 24x7 and turning up ultra special products. Please keep it up.

[internetpremi]

If you were a triangle you'd be acute one.

The movie about the mobile home was advertised with a trailer.

Dear board of education, so are we.

I avoid funerals because I'm not a mourning person.

The debate about unmanned aircraft strikes just keeps droning on.

Everyone has a photographic memory, it just takes a bit of development.

Some clock makers are normal, but others are a little cuckoo.

[internetpremi]

Mischievous lambs post their videos on Ewe Tube.

The ancient Romans only gathered once a week, because that was enough forum.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

The inept psychic attempted clairvoyance but just couldn't get intuit.


Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.

The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

Nice..................

[internetpremi]

Why can't tennis players ever find happiness? Love means nothing to them.

The former Wimbledon star only spoke of life in the past tennis.

Whenever I see a broken elevator I tend to stair

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

Comedians earn money for their cents of humor.

Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two

Sir Lancelot once had a very bad dream about his horse. It was a knight mare.

[internetpremi]

Our social studies teacher says that her globe means the world to her.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too

Obituaries of those hanged in the old west used to be posted in the noose paper.

Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.

A cheetah and a jaguar were in a race. The cheetah won because he is a cheetah.

The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified.

I see you have some graph paper. You must be plotting something.

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

Nice..................

[internetpremi]

Without geometry, life is pointless.

For plumbers, a flush beats a full house

It's a fact, taller people sleep longer in bed.

In a recession, the most secure job is a garbageman. Business is always picking up.

An electrician is a bright spark who knows what's watt.


Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.

Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.

[internetpremi]

Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal.

The best part of being a watch maker is that you get to make your own hours.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

My car was once hit by a truck. I wasn't hurt but I got the freight of my life.

When making butter there is little margarine for error.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Shotgun wedding: wife or death.

[internetpremi]

Those who study the moon are optimists. They look at the bright side.

The pediatrician was a real kidder.

Hey, I love u! It's my favorite vowel.

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

[rajnish manga]

Urinal: The one place where all men are peers.


Hanging: A suspended sentence.


Quartet: Four men, all of whom think that the other three can’t sing.

[internetpremi]

The painter was hospitalized due to too many strokes.

It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty...but he had a great fall.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

He bought lots of pens before starting his new job. He wanted to make his mark.

Someone called you an owl. Hoo?

I tried to tell my parents i was gay, but I couldn't do it will a straight face.

Triangle relationship? Sounds more like a wreck-tangle.

I told a deer joke once. It was very fawny.

[internetpremi]

Did you hear the creator of McAfee is wanted for murder? I heard the trial will last around 30 days.

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still a hearing?

What time does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn!

Terrible word play can be such a punishment.

The world's most gigantic deck of cards was created recently. It was a pretty big deal.


Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything!

[rajnish manga]

Abscond: To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another.

Deterrence: The art of producing, in the mind of the enemy, the fear to attack.

Perfume: What a woman hopes will make her the scenter of attention.

Liberty: Consists of giving everyone full rights to mind everyone else’s business.

Archaeologist: A person whose career lies in ruins.

Vasectomy: Spoil the rod ….. and spare the child.

[internetpremi]

After periodic doubts about his vocational calling, the young chemistry teacher concluded he was out of his element.

The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

I was looking for watch batteries but I wound up at a clock shop

My cartography job is really going to put me on the map.

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

[internetpremi]

Smokers and cigarettes have a lung-distance relationship.

A good pun is its own reword

Why question Mark at the end of his statement?

You must be a teacher, because you've got class.

Why was the Italian chef late? Because it was already pasta dinner time.

Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda

A book fell on my head and I only have my shelf to blame...

[internetpremi]

What is Mozart doing right now? De-composing.

What is a secret agents most common fetish? Bondage

Changing my name to DPI might be good for my image.

Some daze I just can't seem to focus.

What moisturiser do bullfighters use? Olay.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

[internetpremi]

What do you call someone without a body or a nose? Nobody knows.

I don't enjoy computer jokes; Not one bit .

Why can't two doctors be in the same place? Because that would be a pair-o-docs!

I wanted to be a suicide bomber but I just can't live like that.

We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.

The successful farmer was often noted as being outstanding in his field.

[internetpremi]

She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

I have to choose between Emma Watson and Emma Stone? I'm in a dilEmma.

What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli.

Know any jokes about Sodium? Na.

Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.

[internetpremi]

What do you call a fake noodle? Impasta.

Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms.

If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

[rajnish manga]

What do you call a fake noodle? Impasta.

Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms.

If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Humour flows out of these situational phrases like the nectar does from a ripe fruit. Thanks.

[internetpremi]

Yes, Rajneeshji.

It is a special type of humour in many cases.
Often the first time we read it, we don't understand it.
We need to read again and think a bit, before it strikes us.
Some puns will never be understood by us however much we think them over, as the situations or context are foreign Even if explained later, we will not be able to enjoy the humour. I have been careful to omit such puns.

I believe that Puns are an "intelligent form of humour", compared to jokes.

Also, I believe, there is tremendous scope for Hinglish puns, that we Desis can enjoy. I am on the lookout for them but have not found too many of them. I am sure they will be much more entertaining for us and it is my wish to have such a collection. When two languages can be combined the scope for punning is increased manifold.

Glad to note you are reading and enjoying these puns and that encourages me to continue my efforts.

I will continue "mining" the internet to unearth as many of these gems as I can and post them here. They are scattered far and wide and quite a few posted here are from obscure sites which even Google may omit to mention, or mention too far down in its list.

Regards
GV

[internetpremi]

The geologist went to the doctor because he had a loss of apatite.

While practicing the drums in the basement, the boy fell, hit his head, and got a percussion.

I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.

Workers in an upholstery business demanded a wage hike to cushion the high cost of living.

The coin artist promised he'll change his profession to something noteworthy.


What happened to the rich guy with the double chin? He made a four chin.

[internetpremi]

Why did the agricultural presentation go so smoothly? They planted questions.

Some doting parents are son worshipers.

A summer is a mathematician.

When the investor came home from work he was spent.

The boy who got electrocuted was unable to give a statement because he was still shocked at the incident.

The marine biology student took a math course called algae-bra.

When the rubber market bounced, it was latex news.

Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.

[internetpremi]

When video arcades switched to a system of tokens, there was no quarter asked or given.

The cat burglar was accused of felineous intent.

Since I've taken the job in The Everglades I've been swamped!

The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.

To make sure cargo trucks aren't too heavy, police operate on the principle that where there's a wheel there's a weigh.

The pilot was a loner but even for him flying a drone was just too remote.

[internetpremi]

I suspected our new house guest was a terrorist. He asked to sleep on a blow up mattress.

When my granddaughter lost her baby molar she was demolarised and brushed the tooth fairy claim.

Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future?

I told the psychiatrist that I was afraid of strangers talking about the founder of stoicism. He said I had zenophobia.

Getting this job managing a country estate has put me off fried eggs. I'm a gamekeeper turned poacher.

A tennis exponent always has a gut feeling beforehand that he will beat his opponent.

[internetpremi]

I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.

I love you mower today than yesterday, but not as mulch as tomorrow.

Did you hear about the man who was jabbed in the back with a set of keys? His back locked up.


The international jewel thieves were hard to catch because they had a good ring leader.

After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open, we finally got the ball rolling.

Finding all possible logical relations between a finite collection of sets is not a matter of If but Venn.

Vertical living is flat dwelling.

[internetpremi]

I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.

I had a novel idea for a new book but got in a bind so I shelved it. It's time to start a new chapter now.

The origami artist won the court case because he was good with paperwork.

When the town removed billboards, they told people that's how it was designed.

During the trial, a lawyer objected to the audiologist's testimony, calling it hearsay.

To me the end result of a can-do attitude is positively candid.
=========

[internetpremi]

The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.

A pun spun with a good yarn gets fabricated!

Dentists on death fill their last cavity.

His job in the city sewers ended when he got smell shock and succumbed in the stenches.


Surprises is the knight in charge of awards.

I heard Einstein got along well with his parents ... relatively speaking.

What kind of flooring do alligator hunters use? Reptiles!

[internetpremi]

It's tough to know exactly what some philosophers looked like. Sometimes the only way might be to ex-Hume them.

Did you hear about the farmer who got attacked by a cow? He milked it for all it was worth.

The trampoline was on sale for fifty per cent off. Needless to say I jumped on the offer.

Conjoined twins aren't the only twins with special connections.

The mother kangaroo tried to instill good financial habits in her baby. She told him to pocket all his allowance.

I went to a buffet dinner with my neighbor, who is a taxidermist. After such a big meal, I was stuffed.

[internetpremi]

Tying up a circle may take a lot of chords.

'Because' is a word to the whys.

I tried my first soft drink. It was sodalicious!

Soup operas were the big winners at the Cans Film Festival.

Podiatrists like legumes and tomatoes!

The portrait artist made extra money as a census taker. He was good at canvasing people.

[internetpremi]

My skiing skills are really going downhill.

Deaf mathematicians communicate through sin language.

Have you heard the joke about the bomb? It had no impact.

I hate people who don’t have all their digits. I am lack-toes intolerant.

I can’t eat breakfast without a couple slices of wheat on the side because I’m lack-toast intolerant.

People with guns who say "Give me your money " , You've got to hand it to them.


What did the pencil say to the pencil sharpener?
Stop going around in circles and get to the point!

[internetpremi]

I was going to make a cannibal joke, but I realized it was in bad taste.

Why did the prince bring his father to school? He was told to bring a ruler.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

If you deceive people about your lack of hair, there will be hell toupee.

You can't escape being a peasant because resistance is feudal.

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks--it's all lice!

[rajnish manga]

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.



It was indeed a blessing in disguise to find out as to where I have read the one liner shown above. I had to go back page by page until I reached where It had all started (i.e. at Page No. 1). This is how I grew wiser by a few pages.

[rajnish manga]

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

“Kurt Vonnegut�



जो लोग telekinetics (दूर खड़े हुये और बिना छुये भौतिक वस्तुओं के रूप या आकार में या उनकी स्थिति में परिवर्तन लाने का विज्ञान या ऐसी योग्यता) में विश्वास करते हैं, कृपया मेरा हाथ उठायें.

कुर्त वोनगुट

[internetpremi]

The grammarian was very logical. He had a lot of comma sense.

The most popular operation for orthopaedic surgeons is upper-leg surgery: very hip.

My new girlfriend and I are moving together into a tree house, I hope we won't fall out.

A no-fly zone prohibits zippers.

The landscaper thought gardening magazines were fun to leaf through.

The soprano was very optimistic and always left her friends on a high note.

The futile search for magnetite became a wild gauss chase.

I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.

Issue of first day cover almost ended in a stampede.

[rajnish manga]

Groucho Marx used many one-liners in his comedy. Here are a few:


“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.�


“I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.�


“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.�

[internetpremi]

I like wool gathering for the shear joy of it.

Rental agents offer quarters for dollars.

I was caught studying the periodic table in English class. It was an elementary mistake.

I always believed my body was a prison for me. I was right, in biology I learnt they were made of cells.

Masks have no face value!

Obituaries of those hanged in the old west used to be posted in the noose paper.

I fired the floor refinishers. They simply could not hold their lacquer.

The movie about the mobile home was advertised with a trailer.

The charges of the otolaryngologist was exorbitant, I had to pay through the nose!

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

Nice Pun.....................

[internetpremi]

Some clockmakers are normal, but others are a little cuckoo.

The exhibitionist went to the store because he heard they were having a flash sale.

The politician is not one for Indian food. But he's good at currying favors.

My pet turtle died. I'm not upset, just shell shocked.

I went to the theatre, it looked a bit suspicious. I reckon the whole thing was staged.

The ophthalmologist was called to testify because he was the only eye witness.


I'm a secret hoarder. I've kept that to myself.
What do you call a spittoon in a wine bar? Grape expectorations.


The cemetery is the dead centre. It's where the local bodies meet.

[internetpremi]

The two geologists lived only a stone's throw apart.

Historians have extra-century perception.

My cartography job is really going to put me on the map.

My wife's dad spends a lot of time in the bathroom. He is my Father in Loo.

My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last
time I was at his house all the signs were there.

The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.

[internetpremi]

The thought of losing the pandas is just unbearable.

I would have kept ironing clothes but I was exhausted and ran out of steam.

I was in court today with the airline over missing luggage. They lost the case.

My doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I’m taking his advice with a pinch of salt.

I entered a competition with a paint catapult and won with flying colours.

[internetpremi]

Can a physicist read the periodic table? Isotope so.

Some people take beautiful pictures and cut them into pieces. That's a puzzle to me.

How does the earth get clean? It takes a meteor shower!

Because they moved into an apartment, they didn't need to cut the grass any mow.

Philosophers are very Hume-orous people.

At breakfast, the hacker downloaded cornflakes via his cereal port.

When I learned what the gun lobby was doing, I went ballistic!

[internetpremi]

Presently, I work in landscaping compressing sand. It's just a tamp job.

Why do seagulls live near the sea? If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels.

What is a mosquito's favorite sport? Skin-diving.

Even though the river has a bed, it won't stop running.

Walking in a Circle is pointless

Never trust an Atom. They make up everything.
=================

[internetpremi]

Here is my favourite quote on the digit "2"
Some of the readers will perhaps not understand this.
Those with some elementary knowledge of computer science or with exposure to software and computers will easily understand this.
I have embedded hints in red for quicker understanding.
===============

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

[internetpremi]

I wanted to have dinner at a native American themed restaurant, but I didn't have reservations.

My friend and I are going to drive across the southern states of America, just to see how long it Texas.

What did the Canadian say when his neighbour finished an igloo? "That's an Ice House you have there."

I want to find my missing watch, but I can never find the time

She couldn't marry the gardener; he was too rough around the hedges.

Bakers aren't always broke, but they often knead dough.

What do snowmen eat for lunch? Icebergers.

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

उत्तम प्रस्तुतिया.............

[internetpremi]

A Scientist discovered a new part of the human eye. It was hidden in plain sight.

A pun, at maturity, is fully groan.

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date. It went OK.

I was looking for a career. I think that pyrotechnics sparks my interest.

Where do snowmen go to dance? Snowballs.

How do Vikings communicate? Norse code.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

[internetpremi]

What kind of bears won't come in out of the rain? Drizzly Bears.

What pine has the sharpest needles? A porcupine.

The Hipster burnt his mouth because he drank the coffee before it was cool.

Why did the lobster cross the road? To get to the other tide.

I used to be colorful. Now I am just graygarious.

[internetpremi]

I missed an appointment with my masseuse. She left a massage on my answering machine.

I couldn't wait for the story-tellers conference. Exciting to hear the lore of the crowd.

I tried to tell a pun today about rubber bands, but it was a stretch

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Successful dieters might win the Nobelly prize.

[rajnish manga]

A Scientist discovered a new part of the human eye. It was hidden in plain sight.

A pun, at maturity, is fully groan.

Oxygen and Potassium went on a date. It went OK.

I was looking for a career. I think that pyrotechnics sparks my interest.

Where do snowmen go to dance? Snowballs.

How do Vikings communicate? Norse code.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.


Thanks for this Punorama of exquisitely curved and (over)loaded phrases.

[internetpremi]

Did you hear about the lost sausage? It was the missing link.

I used to enjoy steak and cheese with my eggs, but it's all ova now.

The nudist was acquitted of indecent exposure because nobody could pin the wrap on her.

Primate grandmothers look stylish in a baboonshka.

Shakespeare had to get his act together to finish his play.

[rajnish manga]

"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday"

"Know thyself. Later on, you can make believe you've never met." --Daria Morgandorffer

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

"No one is a virgin, life has screwed us all."

[rajnish manga]

"We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction." --General Douglas MacArthur

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." --Albert Einstein

"Heterosexuality isn't normal, it's just common." --Derek Jarman

"Habit is probably the greatest block to seeing truth." --R.A. Schwallerda Lipicz

"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises." --Neil Armstrong

[internetpremi]

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereo-typing.

The magician got so mad, he pulled his hare out.

What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire

Why was the ink drop sad? Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be.

A friend told me he had dug a whole in my back yard and filled it with water. I thought he meant well.

In the room the curtains were drawn but the rest of the furniture was real.

A bank manager without any one around may find himself a loan.

[internetpremi]

Important Disclaimer

None of these puns are composed by me.

I have always loved this form of humour and I have collected them from a large number of web sites, books, magazines and conversations.
It is not possible to give credit to the authors of these puns as nearly all of them are anonymous.

It is also not practical to give credit to any particular web site or publication for any of these puns as almost all of them have been found on more than one web site and I have no way of knowing who has copied from whom, or who was the first to put them on the web. Besides the web sites have themselves received these puns as contributions from netizens all over the world.

In case any one feels that they own the copyright to any of these puns, and have an objection to those particular puns being part of my collection and being shared here on this forum, please let me know and I will remove those puns.

Thanks and regards
G Vishwanath

[rajnish manga]

What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire


In the room the curtains were drawn but the rest of the furniture was real.



Fantastic and outstanding ones of the whole lot.

[internetpremi]

The primary responsibility for child's education is apparent.

For a while Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act but he was just going through a stage.

An electrician is a bright spark who knows what's watt

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

[rajnish manga]

Hungry lion was average but mean to have devoured the reader because he had faith in 'readers digest'.

[internetpremi]

The best ways to communicate with a fish are:
a) to worm your way into the conversation
b) to drop it a line

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself?

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoilt milk

What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal

What happens when a marathon runner has ill fitting shoes? He suffers from the agony of defeat
===

[internetpremi]

Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives

What time is it when it is necessary to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty

What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny

What is a mouse’s favorite game? Hide and squeak

How did I escape Iraq? Iran

To err is human, to moo bovine.

[internetpremi]

Do ducks hook up TVs with quaxial cables?

If a cannibal were to attend a political convention, would it be as a del-leg-ate?

The part of Africa that supplies novice gamers is Noobia.

"Yes, I agree to smell like a donkey," Tom assented.

If a dumb student is a moron, is a boring chemistry prof a boron?

A company that makes really large wind chimes could be called "Gong with the Wind".

[internetpremi]

If a good cannibal dies, does s/he go to the Garden of Eaten?


What's the difference between a philanthropist and an orthopedist? A philanthropist foots the bill, while an orthopedist bills the foot.

The motto of the International Timekeeper's Union is "The world is hours".

How about the cannibal who complained about the price of gas, saying it cost an arm and a leg to fill the tank?

Would a picture of a clown removing his/her clothes be a comic strip?

Kleptomaniacs take things literally.

[internetpremi]

When a male snake charmer married a female mortician, their bath towels read Hiss and Hearse.

One of the things funeral home trainees have to practice is loading and unloading a casket from the transportation vehicle. Except it isn't called "practice", it's "re-hearsal".

Are the streets of the capital of Afghanistan paved with Kabul-stones?

Joe: "I am a proponent of birth control for goats!" Moe: "No kidding?"

Is an audience of traitors, turncoats and quislings a sell-out crowd?

The mathematician needed a friend to cosine his loan application.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

When a male snake charmer married a female mortician, their bath towels read Hiss and Hearse.

One of the things funeral home trainees have to practice is loading and unloading a casket from the transportation vehicle. Except it isn't called "practice", it's "re-hearsal".





Nice.........................

[rajnish manga]

Simply wonderful explanations:-

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.

What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal

Kleptomaniacs take things literally.

[internetpremi]

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

Geography prof: "I need Amman and a woman to do a report on Jordan."

Billy was sent home from Physics class with atomic ache.

A snake that's good at math is an adder.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell? An alarm cluck.

Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.

When a woman sits down to a meal, she can be called Anita.

An item frequently found removed from a medical text is the appendix.

What type of wind can you expect in the eighth month of the year? August!

[rajnish manga]

Enjoyed quite a lot reading the following statements:

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.

What type of wind can you expect in the eighth month of the year? August!

An item frequently found removed from a medical text is the appendix.



But,sir, this has gone over the head:-

When a woman sits down to a meal, she can be called Anita.

Thanks.

[internetpremi]

When a woman sits down to a meal, she can be called "Anita"

When a woman sits down to a meal, she can be called "an eater"

In the West, Anita is pronounced ऐनीटा, and not अनिता as we do in our country. Also the "r" in eater is silent, when westerners pronounce them.

======

In my hunt and search over the internet I locate many puns that go over my head too and I don't post them.
Some times you must belong to some professional group, or nationality, or community to understand the context.
I choose and post what I feel can be readily understood.

If there are any others that you or others did not understand, please let me know. I will explain whatever I understood.

Thanks for reading and following this thread.
Regards
GV

[internetpremi]

Puns for the internet age - part 1
======================

Home is where you hang your @

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C:\ is the root of all directories.
==========

(To be continued)

[internetpremi]

Puns for the internet age - part 2
=======================


The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

A chat has nine lives.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

Windows will never cease.

Virtual reality is its own reward.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

===========
To be continued

[internetpremi]

Puns for the internet age - part 3 and last part
==============================


There's no place like http://www.home.com

Speed thrills.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
========

[internetpremi]

“Why did the car cross the river with the boat? It was a ford escort.�

How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.

I heard about this new governing document that says people can only go to the bathroom one per day. It's called the Constipation.

The fractions were really happy about the new addition to their family.

What did the salad say to the plate? I'm all dressed up but there's nowhere to go.

Can a kleptomaniac take something to cure him?

[internetpremi]

I don't knead that dough. You can use it.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity

What do you call a cow that gives no milk? An udder failure.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"

[jitendragarg]

Puns for the internet age - part 1
======================

Home is where you hang your @

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

C:\ is the root of all directories.
==========

(To be continued)


As a software engineer, I have a beef with most of these. Worth sharing though.

[internetpremi]

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door!"

What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.

I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.

What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!

Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.

Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

[internetpremi]

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.

What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.

[internetpremi]

What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.

A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath

My cavity wasn't fixed by my regular dentist, but by a guy who was filling in.

I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.

What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.

The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.

The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.

[internetpremi]

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.

Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.

What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

[internetpremi]

What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin?
One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.

An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.

Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.

I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.

I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.

What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

[internetpremi]

I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried it for a spell.

Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.

I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

[internetpremi]

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.


A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."


Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

Dockyard: A physician's garden.

A pessimist's blood type is b-negative.

[rajnish manga]

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."



Extremely punny story. Thanks for your regular conributions. Please keep it up.

[internetpremi]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I worked in a blanket factory, but it folded.

[internetpremi]

Then, I tried working at cheap hotels, but they just didn't
pay the rent.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I quit because it was always the same old grind.

[internetpremi]

Medical Puns (in alphabetical order -)
Part 1
=============

ANALLY: occurring yearly
ANTIBODY: against everyone
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings

BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
BANDAGES: The Rolling Stones
BARIUM: what you do when CPR fails
BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
BOTULISM: tendency to make mistakes
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U

CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
COLIC: a sheep dog
COMA: a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL: friendly
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse

(To be continued)

[internetpremi]

Medical Puns (in alphabetical order -)
Part 2
=============


D & C: where Washington is
DIARRHEA: journal of daily events
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: not a friend
ENTERITIS: a penchant for burglary
ER: the things on your head that you hear with
FESTER: quicker
FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
FIBULA: a small lie
GENES: blue denim slacks
GENITAL: non-Jewish
G.I. SERIES: baseball games between teams of soldiers
GRIPPE: what you do to a suitcase


(To be continued)

[internetpremi]

Medical Puns (in alphabetical order -)
Part 3
============

HANGNAIL: a coathook
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
HERPES: what women do in the Ladies Room
HORMONES: what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid
ICU: peek-a-boo
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
INPATIENT: tired of waiting
INTENSE PAIN: torture in a teepee
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
MEDICAL STAFF: a doctor's cane
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
MORBID: a higher offer


(To be continued)

[internetpremi]

Medical Puns (in alphabetical order -)
Part 4
============

NITRATE: lower than day rate
NODE: was aware of
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
ORGANIC: church musician
OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
PAP SMEAR: fatherhood test
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
PELVIS: cousin of Elvis
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PLASTER CAST: the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert
POST-OPERATIVE: a mail deliverer
PROSTATE: flat on your back
PROTEIN: in favour of young people

(To be continued)

[Dr.Shree Vijay]

Nice.........

[internetpremi]

Medical Puns (in alphabetical order -)
Part 5
============

RECOVERY ROOM: place to upholster furniture
RECTUM: damn near killed him
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
RHEUMATIC: amorous
SALINE: where you go on your boyfriend's boat
SCAR: rolled tobacco leaf
SECRETION: hiding anything
SEIZURE: Roman emperor
SEROLOGY: study of English knighthood
SURGERY: a reason to get an uninterruptable power supply
STERILE SOLUTION: not using the elevator during a fire


(To be continued)

[internetpremi]

Medical Puns (in alphabetical order -)
Part 6
============

TABLET: a small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
TIBIA: country in North Africa
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
TUMOR: an extra pair
URINE: opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE: very close
VEIN: conceited

(Medical puns concluded)

[internetpremi]

Measurement unit puns
======================

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter : Eskimo Pi

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God : 1 billigram (Billy Graham)

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour : Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling : 1 lite year

Half of a large intestine : 1 semicolon

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (I didn't understand this. Can anyone explain?)

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital : 1 I.V. League

[rajnish manga]

Measurement unit puns
======================

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (I didn't understand this. Can anyone explain?)



I would try to explain the underlying reasoning behind this statement. Jokes evoke laughter, and the laughter is considered to be the shortest distance (a straight line) between two people. I would also recall one famous quote by Victor Borge, great Danish Comedian, conductor and pianist, which goes as under:

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTvQ87pdWsOleEpz3OAm5rf0UlQb0Eww-c2358kuZiv9NOY81G1QA

[jitendragarg]

Wow, that's one hell of an explanation, Rajnishji. :good:


Also, those medical definitions are too good. Shared the link on couple other websites.

[internetpremi]

Wow, that's one hell of an explanation, Rajnishji. :good:


Also, those medical definitions are too good. Shared the link on couple other websites.

Yes, it is one hell of an explanation but pretty convincing.
Thanks to Rajnishji.
And thanks to you Jitendra for following this thread and sharing the link.

I will continue my search for more of these puns, but, like oil prospecting, all the easy ones have already been found.
I have to dig deeper and farther to unearth more of these.
I had located several more, but could not understand them as they were contextual and intelligible only to a small group of people aware of the context and would go over the heads of most of us.

Some were not of good quality and I skipped them. Even now, I consider that most of these puns are just about average in quality but occasionally I have able to unearth some brilliant gems.

I hope to keep this thread going as long as possible, but nowadays it is becoming difficult.

Regards
GV

[internetpremi]

Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency?
A: Question marks.


A robber broke into the bank, and pointed his gun at the cashier said:

"Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"

The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY"

The robber answered, "Don't change the subject."

[internetpremi]

Hot Cross Puns
Part 1
=======

What do you get when you cross...

A banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip.
A cat with a lemon? A sourpuss.
A chicken with a bell? An alarm cluck.
A dog with a cantaloupe? A melon-collie baby.
A dog with a chicken? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
A dog with a daisy? A collie-flower.
A dove with a high chair? A stool pigeon.

(To be continued)

[internetpremi]

Hot Cross Puns
Part 2
=======

What do you get when you cross...


A ham with a karate expert? Pork chops.
A hedghog and a snake? Two yards of barbed wire.
A hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger.
A kangaroo with a sheep? A wooly jumper.
A movie with a swimming pool? A dive-in theater.
A parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
A pig with a cactus? A porkerpine.


(To be continued)

[jitendragarg]

Yes, it is one hell of an explanation but pretty convincing.
Thanks to Rajnishji.
And thanks to you Jitendra for following this thread and sharing the link.

I will continue my search for more of these puns, but, like oil prospecting, all the easy ones have already been found.
I have to dig deeper and farther to unearth more of these.
I had located several more, but could not understand them as they were contextual and intelligible only to a small group of people aware of the context and would go over the heads of most of us.

Some were not of good quality and I skipped them. Even now, I consider that most of these puns are just about average in quality but occasionally I have able to unearth some brilliant gems.

I hope to keep this thread going as long as possible, but nowadays it is becoming difficult.

Regards
GV



Continuing your oil analogy, this rarity is just increasing the value of your posts. Thanks for sharing these. :hug::hello:

[internetpremi]

Hot Cross Puns
Part 3
=======

What do you get when you cross...


A policeman with a telegram? Copper wire.
A potato with an onion? A potato with watery eyes.
A spider with a rabbit? A hare net.
A vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.
An Eskimo with a pig? A polar boar.
An Indian with a cow? Geronimoo.
A duck and a light bulb? A huge electric bill.

(To be continued)

[internetpremi]

Hot Cross Puns
Part 4
=======




What do you get when you cross an elephant with...

A shotgun? An elephant with a double-barrelled trunk.
A skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.
A Volkswagen? A little car with a big trunk.
A whale? A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
==========

The web site where I located these puns lists the following persons as contributors to Hot Cross Puns.

(a) Mark Bernstein
(b) Paul Kolenbrander
(c) Thomas Sundell
(d) Gary Dilbeck

I don't know if they are the authors themselves or whether they have themselves picked these up from the thousands that are floating all around cyber space.

It is difficult to give proper credit for puns. No one can be sure who the original author really is. If any one claims any copyright over any of these puns please advise me on this forum and I will remove them straightaway.

(Hot Cross Puns - Concluded)

[internetpremi]

"If Arnab Goswami is in Jail with Kasab...the hanging won't happen because Arnab won't let him complete his sentence!!"

(Source: MyHindiforum : Thread "Arnab Goswami jokes, in English Literature section, dated 12/1/2013, contributed by Awara)

[internetpremi]

Daffynitions:
Pasteurize: Too far to see. (past your eyes)
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose. (proper gander)

Definitions:
Alimony: The bounty of mutiny.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
(based on names of Classic novels, Mutiny on the bounty and the Grapes of wrath)

Signs of the Times:
On a junkyard fence: "Edifice wrecks." ( not understood. Can you?)
On a diaper service truck: "Rock a dry baby."

Spoonerisms:
"Is it kistomary to cuss the bride?" (Is it customary to kiss the bride?)

[internetpremi]

First American: My grandfather came from eastern Europe.
Second American : Russian?
First American: No, he took his time.
-----------

Cicero, when a man ploughed up the field where his father was buried, commented: "This is truly to cultivate a father's memory."

A one word message sent by General Napier after capturing the Indian province of Sind in 1843: "Peccavi" (In Latin it means "I have sinned"). (Note: Wikipedia says, other historians have debunked this as merely a rumour. But it is an interesting pun. Who cares if it is not really true? Let's just enjoy it.)


When Charles I's jester, Thomas Killigrew, said he could make a pun on any subject, the king said: "Make one on me." Killigrew replied that he couldn't because "the king is no subject."

Not all puns are designed to elicit a laugh -or a groan depending upon your opunion (ouch!). Some are just merely clever. Hogarth sent out a dinner invitation which pictured a knife, a fork, and a pie with three Greek letters: eta, beta, pi.

[internetpremi]

A man named Hood was a healthy and full of life. In later life, when an undertaker offered him his services, he quipped: "He is trying to urn a lively Hood."

The glutton commented after wolfing down a doughnut: "I can't believe I ate the hole thing!"

The woman who got a speeding ticket on her way home said: "It was a fine trip!"

He became a math teacher due to some prime factors.

A woman was watching a horror movie. In a grisly scene in the movie she sees a woman get decapitated and screams in the theatre hall. One in the audience commented : "Geez, she didn't need to lose her head over that!

[internetpremi]

A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says,

"Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."

[internetpremi]

This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...
==========


These two strings walk upto a bar...
The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar...
The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders...
The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
String says "Yeah."
Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" ...
String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

[internetpremi]

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"


A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."


A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"


Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

[internetpremi]

...a man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer.

As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!"

Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us."

"It's the peanuts" answered the bartender.
"Say what?"

"You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

[internetpremi]

...It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM.

One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri",

to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[rajnish manga]

Very funny - all of them. They provide a wholesome entertainment.
Thanks, Vishwanathji.

This is a free service to the (laughter) have-nots.

[internetpremi]

Thanks Rajinshji for the encouragement.

Not only do the puns provide wholesome entertainment for all of us who can understand them, but they display amazing intelligence on the part of the original authors.

Even if some are silly, it takes talent to come up with word jugglery like this.

I believe they are an intelligent form of humour.

My only regret is that I am unable to locate Desi puns, i.e. puns with a mix of English and Hindi which will be understood by us Indians only. I believe the scope to be even more vast due to the combined vocabulary of two languages.

May be someday I will find them somewhere or may be some us can be motivated to invent them!

Regards
GV

[internetpremi]

Crowded gyms with occupied machines are the worst because we’re there to lose weight, not gain wait.

I try not to spend too much time online but Wi-Fight it?

I’d love to have somebody gently scoop chow mein in my mouth because I have an Asian fed-dish.

If you hate when people pull up next to you at a stoplight staring, revving up their engine and speeding off, you’re race-ist.

Will you marry me = a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me? = A foursome inquiry.

The weather bureau is an umbrella organization.

[internetpremi]

Classical music is better than Mozart forms.

I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.

The retired general would not help his grandson color Easter eggs, but he did give the boy some cottage cheese. Old soldiers never dye, they just feed some whey.

Popeye had just finished plucking a goose when a gust of wind scattered all of the feathers. He said, 'Well, blow me down.'

I was scrambling for another egg joke, but I can't seem to whip one up. Guess I'm a bit fried.

[internetpremi]

When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.

I really regretted the inconsiderate comment I made. It was rued.


Why was the orange sad? He had peelings for the apple.

The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client’s file that read “Insured has POO on damaged items.�

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!�
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …�

[internetpremi]

BOOK TITLE PUNS

From a compilation by Harold Reynolds with several contributions by John Gregory

Book Title Puns -1

(Name of book : Author) (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)

Ouch!: A. B. Stung (A bee stung)
Electrical Wiring Made Easy: A. C. Deesey (AC/DC)
In Year One: A. D. Calendar
My Boring Career: A. Driller
Not Very Expensive: Amir Pittance (a mere pittance)
Vowel Promissory Notes : A. E. I. O'You
Robotics Handbook: A. I. Expert
Mountain Climbing: Andover Hand (hand over hand)
Artificial Weightlessness: Andy Gravity (antigravity)
Dull Pain: A. King (aching)
Theft and Robbery: Andy Tover (hand it over)
Morning Raaga: A. M. Effem (AM/FM)

To be continued

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -2
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)

The Irish Heart Surgeon: Angie O'Plasty (Angioplasty)
The Unknown Rodent: A. Nonny Mouse (anonymous)
Bee Stings Are in the Hand of the Bee Holder: A. P. Airy
Pain Relief: Ann L. Gesick (analgesic)
Let's Play Billiards: A. Q. Ball (a cue ball)
Keeping Old Furniture Looking Good: Ann Teake (antique)
The Old Codger: A. T. Yearsold (80 years old)
Animal Illnesses: Ann Thrax
How To Get Attention: A. U. Overthere (are you overthere)
Unwanted Babies: Anna Bortion (an abortion)
Bird Brains: A. V. Airy (aviary)
Snakes of the World: Anna Conda (anaconda)

To be continued

[jitendragarg]

I never heard these book names puns before. Great find. :good:

[internetpremi]

I never heard these book names puns before. Great find. :good:

Yes, it was a lucky find.
There is plenty more of this type to come.
Regards
GV

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -3
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)


May Flowers: April Showers
Nuclear Explosives: Adam Baumo (Atom bomb)
Where to Find Islands: Archie Pelago
I Love Mathematics: Adam Up (Add them up)
The Bird Collection: Arnie Thologiei (ornithology)
Cry Wolf: Al Armist (Alarmist)
Misunderstood: Art Tistic (Autistic)
Sea Birds: Al Batross (albatross)
The Empty Cookie Jar: Arthur Anymoreu (are there any more)
Inflammation, Please!: Arthur Itis (arthritis)
It's a Fake!: Artie Fishul (artificial)

To be continued

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -4
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)


New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky (Albuquerke)
Vegetable Arrangements: Arty Chokep (artichoke)
It's a Shocker: Alec Tricity (electricity)
Turkish Minerals: Asa Miner (Asia Minor)
It Blew Off My Hat!: Augusta Wind
Crocodile Dundee: Ali Gator (alligator)
How to Annoy: Aunt Agonize
Soak Your Ex-Husband: Ali Money (alimony)
Lewis Carroll: Alison Wonderland (Alice in wonderland)
Glitz and Bling: Austin Tay-Shuss (Ostenatious)
And the Other People: Allan Sundry (all and sundry)
What the Butler Saw: Ava Nutherluku (another look)

To be continued

[internetpremi]

I will continue with Book Title Puns later.
I stumbled on this gem and could not wait to post it.

=====
R.B.Sheridan was one of eighteenth-century London's most sparkling figures -- a respected politician, the author of such witty plays as The School for Scandal and The Rivals, and a captivating speaker.

Despite his success he was a horrible manager of his financial affairs and was constantly scrambling to pay off his debts.

In one famous story, a tailor grew tired of asking Sheridan to pay off a long-overdue bill. Finally, he cornered the deadbeat celebrity and pleaded, "At least you could pay me the interest on the principal."

Sheridan's reply has been celebrated for more than two centuries:

It is not my interest to pay the principal;
nor is it my principle to pay the interest.
===========

[internetpremi]

Toilet और cricket मैदान में एक ही समानता है।
क्या?
दोनों जगह "धोनी" है!

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -5
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)


Who Cares?: A. Y. Nott (Why not?)
Eating Disorders: Anna Rexia (anorexia)
Rhythm & Blues for Wasps: Aaron Bee
I Shoot Arrows: Anne Archer (an archer)
Robots: Anne Droid (Android)
One Hundred Years Old: Abbie Birthday (Happy Birthday)
Pull Yourself Together!: Annette Curtain (a net curtain)
Say The Magic Word: Abby Cadabra (abracadabra)
Is that it?: Annie Moore (any more?)
I Want to Help: Abel N. Willin (able and willing)
Uncle Buck: Ant Lerzn (antlers)
I'm not a Mutant: Abner Mallety (abnormality)
Large Pig Brassieres: Abraham D. Cupp (A bra, ham D cup)

To be continued

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -6
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)


I Love You!: Alma Hart (all my heart)
The Paper Route: Avery Daye (Everyday)
Car Repairs: Axel Grease
I Wuz Robbed!: Alma Money (all my money)
Rich People: Belle Yenere (Billionaire)
Good Works: Ben Evolent (benevolent)
Who Killed Cock Robin: B. B. Gunn
I Love Wills: Benny Fishery (beneficiary)
The Disco Craze: B. G. Singers
The Pullman Sleeper: Bertha Buv (berth above)
Golfer's Sandwich: B. L. Tee
Lotsa Luck: Bess Twishes (best wishes)

To be continued

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -7
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)


Not a Moment to Spare: B. N. Time (be in time)
Uninteresting Road Signs: Bill Bored (billboard)
Why Do People Avoid Me?: B. O. Problem (be a problem)
Houses, Offices, and Apartments: Bill Ding (building)
Red Vegetables: B. Troot (beetroot)
Where to Put Your Money: Bill Fold (billfold)
How to Go Broke Fast: B. X. Travagant (be extravagant)
House Construction: Bill Jerome Holme (build your own home)
Keep Out!: Bob Dwyer (Barbed wire) (my favourtie and best)
Monkey Shines: Bob Boone (baboon)
Songs For Children: Barbara Blacksheep (baa baa blacksheep)
Outdoor Cookery: Barbie Cue (barbecue)

To be continued

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -8
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)


Drink this before the X-Ray: Barry Um (barium)
Guide To Mixology: Bart Ender (Bartender)
Smart Beer Making: Bud Wiser (Budweiser)
The Criminals Of Watergate: Barton Mee (Pardon me?)
Prevent Drowning: Buddy System (body assist him?)
Kindergarten Kop II: Bea Hayve (behaviour)
Archery: Beau N. Arrow (bow and arrow)
Smash His Lobster!: Buster Crabbe (bust a crab)
Ringing Wet: Belinda Water (bell in the water)
Joe Wins at a Track Meet: C. Howie Runns (See how he runs)
I Read You Like A Book: Claire Voyant (Clairevoyant)
The Peeping Tom: C. K. Undress (See Kay Undress)

To be continued

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -9
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)

Explaining it Better: Clara Fie (Clarify)
Feelings: Cara Lott (Care a lot)
Ecclesiastical Infractions: Cardinal Sin
Destructive Cats: Claude Sofa (Clawed sofa)
How To Tune Up Your Auto: Carl Humm (Car will hum)
The Lion Attacked: Claudia Armoff (Clawed your arm off)
Dinner's Ready!: Carmen Gettit (Come and get it)
House Plants: Clay Potts
8. Meat Eaters: Carney Vore (Carnivore)
Handsome and Charming : Cary Smattic (charmismatic)
Take a Break!: Colin Sick (call in sick)
Boy Scout's Handbook: Casey Needzit (in case he needs it)

To be continued

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -10
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)


We Take Credit Cards, But...: Cassius Better (Cash is better)
Pentagon Press Release: Colonel O'Truth and Lotta Lies (kernel of truth and lots of lies)
East Coast Universities: Cora Nell (Cornell)
Fortune Telling: Crystal Ball
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt (Shopping list)
Interior Decorating: Curt Enrod (Curtain Rod)
Perfect Cooking: Chris P. Bacon (Crispy Bacon)
Nuts about You!: Cy Cosis (psychosis)
Mineralogy for Giants: Chris Tall (Crystal)
Exercise on Wheels: Cy Kling (Cycling)
What's For Dinner?: Chuck Roast
Wooden Percussion: Cy L'Phone (Xylophone)

To be continued

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -11
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)



Suntanned Legs: Denise R Brown (the knees are brown)
Garlic Gone Bad: D. K. Stinky
Racketeering: Dennis Court (Tennis Court)
The World's Last Days: D. N. Izneer (The end is near)
Baby Mess-Trappers: Di Perrs (Diapers)
Webster's Words: Dick Shunnary (Dictionary)
We're All Flakes: Dan Druff
Tyrant of the Potatoes: Dick Tater (dictator)
Shhh!: Danielle Soloud (don't yell so loud)
Come on in!: Doris Open (Door is open)
Life Six Feet Under: Doug Graves (Dug graves)
Great Tennis Matches: Davis Skupp (Davis Cup)

To be continued

[internetpremi]

Book Title Puns -12
Name of book : Author (Internetpremi's explanation, as understood by him)

En Garde!: Drew Blood
A Boxing Cornerman's Story: Dawson DeTowel (?)
Fixing Computer Programs: Dee Bugger (Debugger)
I Like Coffee: Duncan Doughnuts (Dunkin doughnuts)
The Realm of the Dead: Dee Seized (Deceased)
Housework: Dustin Cook (Dust and cook)
The Twelfth Month: Dee Sember (December)
Highway Travel: Dusty Rhodes (dusty Roads)
Make Up Your Mind: Dee Side (Decide)
Banned Pesticides: Dee-Dee Tee (DDT)
Cheer for Your Team!: E. A. Hoo (yahoo)
I'm Scared!: Emma Fraid (I'm afraid)


To be continued

[rajnish manga]

There is something very interesting about the title of the books and their authors mentioned in the above posts. But let me admit that I have completely failed to appreciate the pun. May be this is because of my limitations vis-Ã*-vis the language. No regrets. But I will continue to read these posts as and when they appear.

[jitendragarg]

There is something very interesting about the title of the books and their authors mentioned in the above posts. But let me admit that I have completely failed to appreciate the pun. May be this is because of my limitations vis-Ã*-vis the language. No regrets. But I will continue to read these posts as and when they appear.



I can try to explain if you need. Although, most of the author names are just explanation of book titles.

[internetpremi]

Thank you Rajnishji, for your frank feedback.

I admit this series is not so good. Some are far fetched. Others need contextual awareness. I had to struggle myself to understand some of them and even though I understood most of them I could not rate them as puns of good quality.
I have already skipped many which went over my head.

I have about 300 more like this to post but will discontinue now and resume my search for the puns that can be appreciated better.

If any one is interested very much in reading the balance of about 300 book puns, please send me a private message and I will reply with a private message giving a link to my Dropbox account from where he can access the full list.
Regards
GV

[rajnish manga]

I didn't mean that further 'book title puns' should be done away with. There are people who may be in a better position to appreciate than what I do. So, I sincerely wish that the series is presented for the benefit of those interested.

Thanks for the concern you have shown about the opinion of your readers. Please continue with this series, Vishwanath ji.

[internetpremi]

Thanks Rajnishji.

To break the monotony, I propose to postpone the posting of the balance book puns.
I will bring them back one set (of 12 ) a time, at suitable intervals, till I exhaust my current stock.

My search for more enjoyable puns will be continued.
The sources have started drying up and I need to search harder nowadays.

Regards
GV

[internetpremi]

A fellow walked into a Baskin & Robbins Ice Cream Parlor on a very hot summer day.

He ordered a double scooped chocolate cone, received it, and then walked away.

Outside on the sidewalk he paused for a bit, then he pulled out a pair of red birds, sat down on a nearby bench with his birds, and placed them on top of his fudgie.

A passerby who glanced over his way and noticed the curious sight, was prompted to ask "What's happening, Bud, with your treat with two birdies alight?"

The fellow replied in a curious way, in an absolute serious tone, "I'm just trying, dear sir, as best I know how, to chill two birds with one cone."

[rajnish manga]

You have given a very sweet-n-icy twist to the famous proverb. Thanks for sharing the same.

[internetpremi]

Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.

Man: What's the charge officer?

Policeman: Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.

[internetpremi]

A policeman stops Mavis just outside the city of Exeter, England, and asks to see her driving licence.

He says rather peremptorily, 'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.'

Mavis promptly answers sweetly, 'Well, I have contacts.'

The policeman replies gruffly, 'I don't care who you know, my dear. You're still getting a ticket.'

[internetpremi]

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

'Doc, I keep having these two dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?'

The doctor replies: 'You gotta relax. You're two tents.'

(Too tense)

[internetpremi]

Mathematics:

An Red Indian chief had three wives, all of which gave birth.

The first had a boy and the chief built her a teepee of deer hide.

The second also had a boy and the chief built her a teepee of antelope hide.

When the third gave birth, the chief built her a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide.

The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully.

Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

'Correct,' said the chief. 'How did you figure it out?'

The warrior answered, 'It's elementary.
The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.'

[rajnish manga]

You were absolutely right. The Pythagorean Theorem has its share of fun, sorry pun, in its perfect setting. Thanks for sharing this wonderful punsational tribalometric theorem.

[internetpremi]

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

In London, one man to another:
"You know, my daughter has married an Irishman."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly."

Sign In a dental office:
BE TRUE TO YOUR TEETH OR THEY WILL BE FALSE TO YOU

[internetpremi]

The best floor exercise gymnasts come from Palm Springs.

The roulette dealer had a unique personality. He had a different spin on everything.

When the spammer's computer exploded, it blew him to kingdom.com.

He thinks octopi are creepy, and he makes no bones about it.

I have invented crockery that comes to me when I whistle. My cup runneth over.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

[internetpremi]

A Harley rider eating in a restaurant is checking out a gorgeous redhead. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket. The biker reaches up, snatches it out of the air, and hands it back to her. "I am so embarrassed," the woman says. "Please join me for dinner."

They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast.

The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks.

"Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye."

[internetpremi]

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat.

One morning we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.

Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool.

Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

[internetpremi]

The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena—his opponent had sliced off both of his arms.

Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could.

But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated.

[internetpremi]

Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex.

"Where’d you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy.

"HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They’re watchdogs!"

[internetpremi]

The King and the Thrones

There was a tribe in the jungles of Brazil which was a very superstitious people. They had gods for everything, and were always very careful not to offend them. One of the gods declared to the priest of the tribe that a gift is a part of the soul of the giver, and if you ever throw away a gift, the gods will frown upon you because you have shown great disrespect for your fellow tribesman.

As you could guess, this presented serious storage problems for the people in the tribe. This was especially true for the chief of the tribe. People were always giving him presents, hoping to gain his, and the gods' favor.

Soon the chief had to add a second story onto his grass hut to store things. The attic of the chief's hut was used to store the most precious gift he would receive each year...a new throne, lovingly made by all of the villagers.

Of course, he couldn't refuse nor throw away this gift because it would be the ultimate act of disrespect to his tribes people. So, year after year he placed the previous year's throne in the attic. And year by year the rafters would sag just a little bit more.

One year, when the king was entertaining some of the more important members of the tribe the roof could no longer take the strain and collapsed. Everybody inside the hut was killed instantly.

What is the moral of the story? "He who lives in grass houses should not stow thrones."

[internetpremi]

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

(I have no sense!)

[internetpremi]

The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire.

“But you can’t!� protests the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?

[internetpremi]

My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the want ads with her.

"Here’s one. A couple are looking for someone to watch their two kids and do light housekeeping."

"Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "I can’t take that job. I don’t know anything about lighthouses."

[internetpremi]

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing.

Luckily, there’s a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door.

"Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers.

She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

[internetpremi]

Question and Answer puns -1

Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Q: What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?
A: The thesaurus.

Q: Why do artists constantly feel cold?
A: Because they're surrounded by drafts.

[internetpremi]

Question and Answer puns -2

Q: Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
A: They always take things literally

Q: What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
A: Gee, I’ll never part with it!

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Q: Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
A: His ghoulfriend.

[internetpremi]

Question and Answer puns -3

Q: Why can’t a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.

Q: can February March?
A: No but April May.

Q: What do you call a sleep-walking num?
A: Roamin' Catholic

Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
A: Ten-tickles.

Q: How do lumberjacks record a day's work ?
A: They keep a log

[internetpremi]

We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds.

"They want their own homeland," I explained.

"But Iraq won’t give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey."

"So what you’re saying is," he concluded, "they won’t let the Kurds have their way?"

[internetpremi]

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems.

The doctor asks him what he’s been eating.

"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You’re not getting enough greens."

[internetpremi]

After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting.

"Isn’t the market flooded with these types of books?" I asked another editor. "How do we expect to turn a profit?"

"Don’t worry," he assured me. "These books appeal to a wider audience than most."

[internetpremi]

A dull-witted king is losing a territorial dispute with a neighboring monarch. As the fight wears on, he gets more and more frustrated until finally he roars, "Where are my two court jesters?"

In seconds, two jesters appear at his side.

"Okay, let’s continue," he says, "now that I have my wits about me."

[internetpremi]

Question and Answer puns -4

Q: What did the ill comic say in the hospital?
A: "I’m here … all weak!

Q:What do you call a Far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer.

Q:What do you call a tiny collection of galaxies?
A: puny-verse

Q:Who has the patience to hear one more pun this time about ghosts?
A: I have.
Thats the spirit!

Q:My friend was feeling cold so I told her to stand in a corner.
A: Why?
Corners are 90 degrees.

[internetpremi]

Question and Answer puns -5


Q: What do you call it when a pun is executed?
A: PUNished

Q: What do you call it when a pun is executed with precise timing?
A: PUNctual

Q: What is wrong with this pun
A: No PUNctuation

Q: What do all great puns have?
A: Great PUNchlines

[rajnish manga]

Question and Answer puns -2

Q: Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
A: They always take things literally

Q: What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
A: Gee, I’ll never part with it!

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Q: Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
A: His ghoulfriend.

:bravo:

By far, this appears to be the best of Q & A series. Thanks for sharing these wonderful bits of pun.