A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever

come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys" who are doing the same!".

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!".

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

The Salesman.
 

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS? that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guy spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

Modern Art Museum

Once, visiting the modern art museum an old lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This", she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No madam." replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

Bridge to Hawaii!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'...know how to make them truly happy.... "

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

The Dishwasher

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as coldwater can get them, so go on and finish your meal"

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog that was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"

The Devil

A woman was fed up of her husbands drinking habits. So one day she decided to dress up like a devil and frighten her husband. When the husband came home she jumped from behind the couch dressed as a devil and made horrible noises.

For a moment, he thought it was the real devil. But then he simply saw her with drunken eyes and said, "you don't frighten me anymore because I married your sister years ago."

Manager & Engineer

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Lipstick On the Mirror

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [puportedly practicing the perfect pucker]. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxey lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated...

He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

Sue me…

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

'Can she cook like I can?' the distraught woman asked between sobs.
'Not on her best day,' he replied.

'Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?'
'No, she's broke.'
'Well, then, is it sex?'
'Nobody does it like you, babe.'
'Then what can she do that I can't?'
'...Sue me for child support.'

Al's Barn

Al's barn burned down, and, Mary, his wife, called the insurance company.
Mary: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Now just a minute, Mary, it doesn't work quite like that.

We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Mary, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Remembering the past

An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?" The old man grabs the old woman's hand.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?" The old man puts his arm around the old woman.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?" To the old woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says. The old man replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."

Blonde wife

A man and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.

"Jay's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.

"Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..." when the power goes off. Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

:gm::gm::gm:

Stuck behind

After he finished his route, a bus driver had to explain to the supervisor, why he was 10 minutes late; "I was stuck behind a big truck."

"But yesterday you were 10 minutes early," reminded the boss.

"Yeah, the bus driver replied. "But yesterday I was stuck behind a Porsche."

Dreams

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."

"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."

His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"

"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."

Truth

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

What does it smell like

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves - the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Bagpipes

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Nasty Comment

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... ’Congratulations on your new location!’"

Parking in New York

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There’s the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing."

Millions of Stars

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

No Warning

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

Don’t Believe in Hell?

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is."

Computer Power

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
’My, you look tired,’ she said. ’You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?’
’It was terrible,’ her husband said, ’The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.’

F B I

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I’m calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Ball On The Tees

A man and his wife were driving on the North-South highway on his way from Johor Bahru to Penang. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next petrol station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a petrol station and pulls over to the high-octane pump.
"What can I do for you?" asks the attendant. "Full tank of unleaded," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. "What kind of car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, is the new Proton convertible." "What has got in it?" asks the attendant." Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD changer and VCD player in the trunk with 1000 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Waaah," says the attendant, "That’s really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That’ll be $50," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and takes out a $50. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That’s what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Waaaaaah," says the attendant, "Those Proton people think of everything!"

51 days!!!

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go
and sit down and start toasting and chearing, "51 days! 51
days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in,
orders a drink, and joins the other two in the chearing.
Finally, another blonde walkes in with what looks like a
cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle
of the table, and starts chearing with the others, "51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. Onthe box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

It Won’t Be Long

A blonde was visiting Washington D.C. for the first time and
wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortuantely, she was
having trouble finding it. Finally she saw a police officer
and asked him for directions.

"Well if you wait at that bus stop right there and get on
the 54, it will take you right there." explained the
officer.

"Thank you" she cooed, and walked to the bus stop.

Five hours later, the police officer was driving by again,
and sure enough, the blonde was still standing at the bus
stop.

The officer stopped and said "Excuse me miss, but I told you
that to get to the Capitol building, you take the number 54,
and it will take you right there. What are you still doing
here?"

"Oh don’t worry officer." she replied. "It won’t be long
now. The 47th bus just went by."

Bill Gates And God

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

Accident

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Dream Job


Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Program Managers

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I’d like those two back in the office after lunch."

Blonde Escapee

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde.

They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."

Blonde Painter

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. You’ll find the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I’m all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

"You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari."

3 Women

Three blondes are stranded on an island. They find a lamp and rub it and out pops a genie. "I will grant each of you one wish" the genie said.

The first blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a brunette and swam off the island.

The second blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a red-head and built a raft and rowed off the island.

The third blonde wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a man and walked across the bridge.

The Rabbit And Snake

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!"

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."