Clean Jokes
 

hey friends,

Just have look into these Jokes.....:gm::gm:

1. Laloo's Son: Dad, how much does it cost to get married.

Funny Laloo: I never calculated, I am still paying for it.


2. A Haryanvi bought a car on loan from a bank. He didn't pay the dues, the bank took away his car.

Funny Haryanvi: If I knew this, I'd have taken a loan for my marriage also!

Husband: I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get!

American Girl: When my grandfather died he left 10 million dollars.

Indian Girl: When my grandfather died he left 20 million dollars.

Pakistani Girl: That’s nothing, When my grandfather died he left the whole world.

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't have any more work.

Santa: That's all right, sir. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't ask you to give me work anyway!!

Chemistry Teacher: What is the chemical formula of water?

Student: HIJKLMNO.

Chemistry Teacher: What are you talking about?

Student: Yesterday you said H to O.

Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner.

Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal.

Funny Husband: I know all that.

Wife: Then why did you invite the friend?

Funny Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married

Laloo: Doctor, I don't remember anything, sometimes on road I even forget if I am going to office from home or going back to home from office.

Psychiatrist: In such a condition, you should check your tiffin. If it is empty then you are going to home, if it is full, you are going to office.

An Indian Sardar ji & a Pakistani were in Titanic. Titanic was sinking.

Pakistani: How much the earth is far from here?

Indian Sardar Ji: 2 kilo meter.

The Pakistani jumped into the sea and asked again: ...to which direction?

Indian Sardar Ji: Downwards.

A Gujarati decides to study English. He learns an essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam an essay on 'FATHER' comes.

He replaced friend with father in the essay. It read:

I am a very fatherly person, I have many fathers. Some of my fathers are male and some are female. I have a new neighbor, I wish to make him my new father.

Laloo and Rabri apply for divorce.

Judge: You have 9 children, how will you divide them equally.

Laloo thinks for a moment and tells Rabri: Dear, let's move home, we will apply for divorce after 9 months.

Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give
5 to Priya,
3 to Sonia and
2 to Neha
then what will u get????

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Kid: 3 New Girlfriends Mam!!!

A Russian wife goes to police station.

Russian Wife: My husband went to the market yesterday to bring potatoes. He has not returned home yet.

Russian Inspector: Why don't you cook something else?

There were two desi lovers: Lalu & Rabri. They loved each other so much that they planned to do Suicide.

Lalu jumped first.

Now it was Rabri's turn.

Rabri closed her eyes, and returned back saying Love is Blind.

Lalu, in mid-air opened his parachute saying Love never Dies.

Black Husband: If I die, will you remarry?

Black Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?

Black Husband: No, I'll also stay with your sister.

A mouse was dancing & enjoying in a Lion's Wedding. An Elephant was surprised to see this and asked: Hey Buddy, Why are YOU dancing & enjoying so much?

Mouse continued enjoying & dancing & replied calmly: You may not be knowing, but before my marriage, even I was a Lion.

Laloo and Rabri were on an African Safari when a lion suddenly dragged Rabri with his jaws.

Rabri: Shoot him, Shoot him!

Laloo: Wait! Wait! Let me change the battery of my camera.

A young pregnant Blonde woman had given birth in the elevator of an Indian desi hospital. She was embarrassed about it and was weeping.

Sardar Doctor: Don't feel bad. Two years back, a Blonde girl delivered in the open lawn of this hospital.

The lady burst out crying and said:
"I know..., that was me, too."

Pandit: I am so miser (kanjoos) that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money.

Bania: That is nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife for honeymoon with a friend.

Haryanvi Tau: You cheated me. You sold me useless radio.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you.

Haryanvi Tau: Radio label shows "Made in Japan" but radio says: This is all India Radio.

In a crowded elevator, an Indian Desi wife became angry with her naughty husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a beautiful girl. The girl suddenly slapped naughty Husband and said, "This will teach you not to pinch any girl in future".

Bewildered, "naughty" Husband was on the way to parking lot with his Wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Ofcourse you didn't," said Wife consolingly. "I did".

Nice jokes madhu....I am also sharing some jokes....keep laughing:)

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

There was a man walking down the street, and a security guard came up to him and said “why is there a penguin following you”? And the man said I don’t know, he just followed me. And the security guard, “you take that penguin to the zoo right now”. And the man did. A couple of hours later, the man came out of the zoo with the penguin again and they were walking down the street again. And the security guard said “I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo”? And the man said, “I did, he enjoyed himself, now I’m taking him to the library”.

"Times were hard in Russia after the cold war, but there was determined young man who wanted to buy a new car. He saved for many years until he had just the right amount. Immediately, he went to the car dealer and said, 'I want to buy a new car!' 'That's good,' replied the car dealer. We will get a car for you soon. Come back here in eight years and three months ... we'll have your car.' The man replied, 'Will that be morning or afternoon?' The car dealer was surprised. 'Does it really matter?' he asked. 'Yes,' the man said, 'it really matters. The plumber promised me that he would come that day too.'"

Robert's investment business was expanding and as a shrewd and diligent business owner decided to hire in-house counsel to save some money. He began interviewing several young lawyers. Interviewing one of the potential applicants a Mr. M. Moody, Robert explains that "you can understand that in an investment business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question". Robert leaned forward and questioned, Mr. Moody, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" Robert "Honest" Let me tell you something about my honesty level. Why, I'm so honest that when my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education .. I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case. Robert: Very impressive. And what sort of case was that? Michael squirmed in his seat and admitted that his father sued him for the money.

Caller: Hello, I would like to speak to Annie Wan? Operator: Okie, you can speak to me then.. Caller: No, I want to speak only to Annie Wan! Operator: This is the call center! That’s what I’m saying if you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. By the way, who are you? Caller: Well, I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's an emergency. Operator: God! I understand that you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! Anyways, what's this emergency matter about? Caller: Well... just tell my wife Annie Wan that her brother Noe Wan was involved in an bad car accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent right to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on the way to the hospital. Operator: Look you someone, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I really don't have time for all these pranks! Caller: You are so rude? What's your name? Operator: I'm Saw Ree. Caller: Absolutely! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!! Operator: That's what I just said. I'm Saw Ree Caller: Oh ...God.....this is going no where. From Good Wan!

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his grandmother. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages. "Momma, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!!!!!"

Lil' Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT." The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!"

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said. Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

A man walked into a diner, and he sits down. The waitress comes up to him and says the special for today is Split Pea Soup. And boy does the man love split pea soup. So he orders a bowl. The waitress says "Sorry sir, but I just served our last bowl to that guy over there." The other man says "Here, you can have it, I don't need it." The first man accepts it and thanks the other man. So the man starts digging into the soup and its the best soup he's ever had. After a little bit, he sees a mouse in his soup and throws up. The other man says "Yeah, I got that far too when I threw up."

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

On a busy street in New York City, a man hustles across an intersection and is just about makes it to the other side before he’s hit by a bus. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd, but there is no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A priest, please!" repeats the dying man. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for 50 years now I’ve been living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the gentleman over to where the dying man is lying. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72."

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?" "No, Dad." "I think you are lying." "No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree." "Son, I saw you out here with your ax. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!" "Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. "Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. "I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. "I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. "I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock. "What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my ax to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the ax cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. "I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship. "Thank you."