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Punography
· I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. · I tried to catch some fog. I mist. · When chemists die, they barium. · Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. · A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. · I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. · How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. · I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. · This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. · I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. · I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. · They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. · A dyslexic man walks into a bra. · PMS jokes aren't funny, period. · Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. · Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz. · The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery. · I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. · Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? · When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. · What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. · Broken pencils are pointless. · What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. · England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. · I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. · I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. · All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. · I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. · Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. · Velcro - what a rip off! · Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. · Venison for dinner? Oh deer! · Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault. · I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. |
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(From the Facebook page The Punnery)
Making egg puns is eggsactly what you'd eggspect of an Eggnogstic. After all, the name of their religion is a perfect eggsample of an egg pun. Egg puns are an eggstremely important part of Eggnostic belief, and those who mock them should be eggscommunicated. They should be given no chance to eggsplain themselves; mocking an egg pun is ineggscusable behavior. Shell I further eggsplain my eggnostic beliefs? Omelet you decide. |
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:bravo:
Well eggsplained, preggmatic and not phleggmatic. I am so eggcited, yaar. |
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Silly Hinglish Puns for idle Desis only.
============================= Which tree is always wearing an undershirt? Banyan Tree Why is it so expensive for Ravana to go dining in a posh restaurant? Because they charge per head Why are desi bananas so lonely? Because they are all a-kela. What did Dominos pizza say to make its competitors go away? Pizza HUT! At a job interview at Microsoft, the interviewer asked the applicant to “name four versions of Java.” Desi response: “Mar java, mit java, lut java, mai sadkay java. Why did the desi astronaut send a rose to the moon? Because he loved gulab ja-moon. What did one milk carton say to the other? “What’s up, dood?” How do fat desis get to work? On motacycles What’s the biggest contradiction in Tamil cinema? Rajnikant. Because there’s nothing Rajni can’t do. What did one pea say to the other? I don’t know, they were muttering. Which Indian food is a complete food? Puri. What do true Bollywood fans eat? Aishwarya Raita, Anupam Kheer, Juhi Chavala, Mahesh Bhatura, Padmini Kholapuri, Why is selling mangoes considered a humble profession? Because mangoes are sold by the aam aadmi. What do the police do to people who steal eggs? Put them unda arrest. What is our countrymen's emblem? Aye mere watan ke logo What did the mouse say to the cheese? Tu cheez badi hai mast mast!! What did the potato say when he picked up the phone? Aloo? |
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Great ............... nice ................ wonderful ....................
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More puns from the internet
================== ... A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. ... Practice safe eating - always use condiments. ... Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death. ... A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. ... A hangover is the wrath of grapes. ... Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? ... Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. ... Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. ... When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. ... A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. ... What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.) ... In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. ... She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. ... A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. ... If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. ... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. ... The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. ... Every calendar's days are numbered.. ... A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. ... A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. ... He had a photographic memory that was never developed. ... A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium At large. ... Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. ... Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.. ... Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. ... Acupuncture is a jab well done. |
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Fantastic and highly imaginative desi masala menu. |
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City puns
======== 1.Which is an odd city ?----Eccentricity 2.Which is a weak city?----Incapacity 3.Which is a measuring city?-Capacity 4.Which is the most useful but dangerous city?—Electricity 5. Which is a savage city?—Ferocity 6. Which is a very bad city?---Atrocity 7. Which is a greedy city?—Rapacity 8. Which is a very fast city?—Velocity 9. Which is a bold city?---Audacity 10. Which is a fast-developing city?—Precocity 11. Which is a happy city?—Felicity 12.Which is a quarrelsome city?—Pugnacity 13. Which is a truthful city?—Veracity 14.Which is a resilient city?—Elasticity 15. Which is genuine city?—Authenticity 16. Which is a discerning city? ---Perspicacity 17.Which is a wise city?—Sagacity 18. Which is a rural city?—Rusticity 19. Which is a false city?—Mendacity 20. Which is an advertiser’s city?—Publicity 21. Which is a homely city?—Domesticity 22. Which is a hypocritical city?—Duplicity. |
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After Cities, it is now the Bra
==================== Which is the striped BRA? ze*BRA* Poisonous BRA? co*BRA* Mathematical BRA? alge*BRA* Zodiacal BRA? li*BRA* Magical BRA? a*BRA*kada*BRA* Religious BRA? *BRA*hmin! Metallic bra? *BRA*ss Anjelina Jolie's Bra? *BRA*d pit... Botany BRA? *BRA*nch Marketing BRA? *BRA*nd! Punctuation bra? *BRA*cket Scary bra? Gha*BRA*ahat! !!! A room where BRA's are kept? Li*BRA*ry Bra which became the American President and inspired the whole world? A *BRA*ham Lincoln! Which bra is very important for any vehicle? *BRA*ke |
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Why are malicious male humor and murder so closely related?
One is man's laughter and the other is man slaughter. ------------------------------------------------------------- What was the mathematician's reaction when a hidden short in his calculator made the add key subtract instead? He was nonplussed! ------------------------------------------------------------------ Jennifer and Eric are both highly intelligent top achievers, but all six of their kids are just average. Why? Because they're just Jenn-Eric kids! -------------------------------------------------------------------- What would you call a lavishly catered private party where bankers dream up new ways to grab your money? A fee-esta! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the moron embed pebbles in his upper leg? The doctor told him his metabolism was too slow, and he wanted to get some extra thigh rocks in! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Does the minister's cow produce pastorized milk? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- "7 days without pizza makes one weak." ------------------------------------------------------------------- At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you 're looking for, you've come to the right place." ===================== When a monastery sells jams and jellies over the Internet, is that monk e-business? ----------------------- I broke the world record for lying in bed. I got a-trophy. ------------------------------- When I visited Paris, I saw the Eiffel tower. What an eyeful! --------------------------------- We discovered asbestos in the basement; what should we do? Clean it up asbestos we can. --------------------------- They are called contractors because their business keeps getting smaller. ------------------------------------ The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena. His opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated -------------------------------https://secure-content-delivery.com/...=1379134138443 |
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When Noah commanded the animals to multiply, two snakes refused on the grounds that they were adders. Exercising his ingenuity, Noah placed them on a table that he had constructed from a small tree. "Even adders can multiply," he said, "on a log table."
A king ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.( Dont count your chickens before they hatch) I dislike the modern music they play on television.... saxophones with string accompaniment. I firmly believe there is already too much sax and violins on TV. An elderly lady, renowned for her green thumb, planted some special fronds and anemones. The fronds flourished, but the anemones all died. The woman was crushed, but was comforted by a friend with these words, "With fronds like that, who needs anemones?"(with friends like that who needs enemies) A short Czechoslovakian resistance leader fled from house to house, seeking sanctuary, but they turned him away when he asked, "Please, can you cache a small Czech?"( Can you cash a small cheque?) Father Justin Thyme was not only beloved by his flock, but was the best clock repairman in the diocese. So when the Bishop's fine old grandfather clock began to gain a few minutes per hour, it was only natural that he should send for Father Thyme. The trouble was soon found to be that the weights were too heavy and needed to be replaced. But Father Thyme steadfastly refused to remove them. Why? Well, you see, Thyme untied weights for no man(time and Tide wait for no man) Madame Ferenc, a famous pianist, was about to make her American debut. The world renowned piano tuner Oppernockety was engaged to tune her piano. After he finished, she tried it out and declared it sounded splendid. Unfortunately, her manager believed that it was out of tune and hired the great Moluar to tune it again. When Madame Ferenc discovered this perfidy, she was enraged, and demanded that the piano once again be tuned by Oppernockety. But, alas, Oppernockety only tunes once.(opportunity only knocks once) Jack, the butcher's son, was sent to town to sell a fine liver sausage. On the way, he met a young bird-catching woman, who was selling the Terns she had entrapped that morning. She was so charming, and Jack was so entranced, that they swapped, and Jack took a Tern for the Wurst.(Turn for the Worst( Wurst is sausage in German and tern is a bird)) A farmer kept a horse in a field. Birds repeatedly built nests in the horse's mane. Their chirping drove the poor horse insane. So the farmer took the horse to the Veterinarian, who suggested putting yeast in the mane to keep the birds out. And it worked. After all, Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. The English Zoo at Mersey is famous for its collection of Koala bears. As you know, Koalas eat only eucalyptus leaves. But one day the painters working on the cages spilled paint on the leaves, and the Koalas refused to eat them. The painter finally found a solvent which removed the paint without killing the leaves, and reported proudly, "The Koala Tree of Mersey is not stained." (The quality of mercy is not strained - Shakespeare quotation from The Merchant of Venice) A gentleman gambler imported 25 Basques to teach Jai Alai at his training camp in Australia. One day, while they were all eating at the dining barracks, a fire broke out but there was panic, and many died trying to get out through the only door from the barracks. The moral: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.(basques are a Spanish race) (Don't put all your eggs in one basket) Three native American mothers sat around the campfire. One, seated on deer skin, boasted that her son weighed 140 pounds. A second, seated on her mountain lion skin, claimed that her son weighed 160 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus skin, said, "I don't have any sons, but I myself weigh 300 pounds." Which proves that the squaw on the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.(Pythagoras theorem) Sammy Stein was walking down a narrow alley late one night when a rapidly moving vehicle entered the alley. As the vehicle approached Sammy, it proceeded faster and faster. Sammy realized he could not outrun it, but found at the last moment a niche in the wall, backed into it, and was saved. "Thank heavens," he said, "A niche in time saved Stein."( a Stitch in time saves nine) =========================== |
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Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive
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Wonderful !!!
Anjelina Jolie's Bra? *BRA*d pit... ** Bra which became the American President and inspired the whole world? A *BRA*ham Lincoln! ** A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution. ** Where would you find two BRAs side by side = aBRAcadaBRA A male cricketer's BRA is always known as BRAdman. |
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When the head of the consulting team suggested that the canal around the castle be filled up with cement, he was demoted.
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge on my electric iron . Its ex-static! He was kicked out of math class for one too many infractions There was a big crowd as the fisherman were returning.I went to see what was the catch. When asked whether or not I was bilingual, I was about to say I knew sign language, but I figured it was sort of a mute point. The patient was asked to be ready for the organ transplant. He said, he had changed his mind. The race dogs got a bad case of the fleas - they had to be scratched. ================================https://secure-content-delivery.com/...=1379492529140 |
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Q: Why can't Chinese couples have white babies?
A: Because two Wongs don't make a white! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say? A: "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard; he did a number on it ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I get my large circumference from too much pi. -------------------------------------------------------- He wears glasses during math because it improves division. The research assistant couldn't experiment with plants because he hadn't botany. ========================https://secure-content-delivery.com/...=1379575558583 |
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:hello: इस प्रकार के मजेदार भाषाई प्रयोग कौन प्रस्तुत किया करेगा? जिन्हें इनकी आदत पड़ चुकी है, उनका क्या होगा- ब्रेक के दौरान? |
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धन्यवाद रजनीशजी।
ब्रेक तो केवल दो दिन का होगा कल रात को रवाना हो रहे हैं। शनिवार दोपहर (local time) को कैलिफ़ोर्निया पहुँच जाएंगे। आशा करता हूँ कि रविवार को फ़िर से आप सब लोगों से जुड जाऊँगा। पर, जब हम सक्रिय होंगे, तो आप सब सो रहे होंगे and vice versa. https://secure-content-delivery.com/...13&testgroup=1 |
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You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. The batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. A boiled egg, is hard to beat. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. If you take your laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Acupuncture: a jab well done.https://secure-content-delivery.com/...=1379612401547 |
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Cricket / Movie name Puns
===================== Goodbye Mr Slips Star Waughs-The Umpire Strikes Bat Gone With The W.Indies To Kill A DickieBird The Passion Of Gilchrist Waugh & Peace My Four Lady You've Got Bails Saving W.G Gracehttps://secure-content-delivery.com/...=1379955719196 |
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It' A Wonderful Five Once Upon A Time In The Test Eleven Samurai The Ashes Of Wrath Children Of ODIs One Flew Over The Bookie's Test |
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Excellent additions! Thanks https://secure-content-delivery.com/...=1380054643220 |
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The difference between a champ and a chump is u.
Triumph is just umph added to try. Don't assume. It will make an ass out of u and me. Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough. One thing you can give and still keep is your word. If the going gets easy you may be going downhill. Failure is the path of least persistence. If at first you don't succeed try-a-grin. People who never make a mistake never make anything else A smile doesn't cost a cent, but it gains a lot of interest. |
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Jyoti Basu dies at 11.47 A.M
He almost made it to P.M again. Kerala gets 3G services. Now they can call themselves "GGGods own country." Subhash Ghai was ahead of his times. He introduced 4G way back in 1989. A-G, oh-G, lo-G suno-G. Lok Sabha meets. Noise. Confusion. Lok Sabha adjourns. Was it the Joke Sabha? Sania Mirza announces that she is going to marry Shoaib Malik. Thank God, Sania doesn't have to do 7 pheras with Shoaib. She wil never get past the first round. Sachin Tendulkar's birthday today? Let's celebrate it as runmashtami. The good thing is that Sachin has turned 37. Which means, for the next 365 days, he will be in his prime.https://secure-content-delivery.com/...=1380071061887 |
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बहुत खूब, निम्नलिखित उदाहरण अतुलनीय हैं:
1. Triumph is just umph added to try. 2. One thing you can give and still keep is your word. 3. Jyoti Basu dies at 11.47 A.M He almost made it to P.M again. |
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Matthew Hayden to change his name to Matthew_Hayden.
After all he is a chronic under-scorer. All the recent happenings prove that an honest politician is the exception rather than Tharoor. TN may free 500 convicts to mark Tamil conference. Why? Did classical Tamil have shorter sentences? M S Dhoni gets married.M.S. Dhoni's wife will be called Ms. Dhoni. CWG fun begin.Now I understand why the CWG mascot is called Shera. They want a Shera this, a Shera that, and a Shera everything that makes money. CBI is letting suspects off the hook. The best business prospect today: a paper factory that supplies clean chits to the CBI. 1.6 million meals to be served during CWG. Oh. No wonder they have created such a big mess. I propose that we make mosquitoes our national insect. Then the government will try to protect them and they will all become extinct. In Tamil Nadu, a million more TV sets will be distributed. It's an alms race. What's the most apt advice for Arundhati Roy? If at first you don't secede, cry, cry, cry again. The more the Diwali sweets in your house, the faster they get spoilt : Burfi's law. A. Raja is living proof about a pot of gold at the end of the spectrum. Manmohan Singh's First Law of Motion.Everybody stays in a state of rest unless acted upon by Soniaji.https://secure-content-delivery.com/...=1380130610605 |
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Q. How's your job at the clock company?
A. Only time will tell. Q. How's your job at the banana company? A. I keep slipping up. Q. How's your job on the new highway? A. I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn. Q. How's your job at the travel agency? A. I'm going nowhere. |
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New names for old newspapers.
Jokesatta Jungsatta Hindustan Crimes The Indian Depress The Bad Times of India The Advertisements of India The Tragic Chronicle Dainik Torture and DNA (Do Not Ask)! |
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Mr Rupee, how do you respond to all the jokes made on you?
Mr Rupee: I don't appreciate! |
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awesoeme...............thread..
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I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy. A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation. |
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If your feet fell asleep for too long, they’d be coma-toes.
If a knight unexpectedly gave you a large sum of money, you might be sir-prized. Are caps worn by French taxi drivers cab-berets? When a publisher floods the market with new books, is this a title-wave? The best serf at the manor is a champ-peon. Et-tu-mology is the study of Caesar’s last words. Mental exercise to make tooth extraction more bearable is transcend-dental meditation. Dog sleds may be left overnight in a barking lot. A powerful sleeping pill for cattle might be called a bull-dozer. |
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Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet
SMELL and their noses RUN. When William joined the army he disliked the phrase "fire at will". Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink |
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, was known as the lesser of two weevils. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to the bar and announced "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, "But they are twins--once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl." |
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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!" Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." |
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When they go through the thread for a while; But sometimes the pun gets out of our grasp To get funfilled, one has to walk an extra mile. |
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The American Medical Association has weighed in on
Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot o f nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have t heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ass***es in Washington. ========================================== |
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