Thread: Punography
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Old 15-09-2013, 04:36 PM   #14
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Default Re: Punography

When Noah commanded the animals to multiply, two snakes refused on the grounds that they were adders. Exercising his ingenuity, Noah placed them on a table that he had constructed from a small tree. "Even adders can multiply," he said, "on a log table."

A king ordered the heads of several of his counts chopped off because they refused to reveal where they had buried their treasures. As the axes began to fall, one count decided to change his mind, but it was too late. Moral: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.( Dont count your chickens before they hatch)


I dislike the modern music they play on television.... saxophones with string accompaniment. I firmly believe there is already too much sax and violins on TV.


An elderly lady, renowned for her green thumb, planted some special fronds and anemones. The fronds flourished, but the anemones all died. The woman was crushed, but was comforted by a friend with these words, "With fronds like that, who needs anemones?"(with friends like that who needs enemies)


A short Czechoslovakian resistance leader fled from house to house, seeking sanctuary, but they turned him away when he asked, "Please, can you cache a small Czech?"( Can you cash a small cheque?)


Father Justin Thyme was not only beloved by his flock, but was the best clock repairman in the diocese. So when the Bishop's fine old grandfather clock began to gain a few minutes per hour, it was only natural that he should send for Father Thyme. The trouble was soon found to be that the weights were too heavy and needed to be replaced. But Father Thyme steadfastly refused to remove them. Why? Well, you see, Thyme untied weights for no man(time and Tide wait for no man)


Madame Ferenc, a famous pianist, was about to make her American debut. The world renowned piano tuner Oppernockety was engaged to tune her piano. After he finished, she tried it out and declared it sounded splendid. Unfortunately, her manager believed that it was out of tune and hired the great Moluar to tune it again. When Madame Ferenc discovered this perfidy, she was enraged, and demanded that the piano once again be tuned by Oppernockety. But, alas, Oppernockety only tunes once.(opportunity only knocks once)

Jack, the butcher's son, was sent to town to sell a fine liver sausage. On the way, he met a young bird-catching woman, who was selling the Terns she had entrapped that morning. She was so charming, and Jack was so entranced, that they swapped, and Jack took a Tern for the Wurst.(Turn for the Worst( Wurst is sausage in German and tern is a bird))


A farmer kept a horse in a field. Birds repeatedly built nests in the horse's mane. Their chirping drove the poor horse insane. So the farmer took the horse to the Veterinarian, who suggested putting yeast in the mane to keep the birds out. And it worked. After all, Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.

The English Zoo at Mersey is famous for its collection of Koala bears. As you know, Koalas eat only eucalyptus leaves. But one day the painters working on the cages spilled paint on the leaves, and the Koalas refused to eat them. The painter finally found a solvent which removed the paint without killing the leaves, and reported proudly, "The Koala Tree of Mersey is not stained." (The quality of mercy is not strained - Shakespeare quotation from The Merchant of Venice)

A gentleman gambler imported 25 Basques to teach Jai Alai at his training camp in Australia. One day, while they were all eating at the dining barracks, a fire broke out but there was panic, and many died trying to get out through the only door from the barracks. The moral: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.(basques are a Spanish race) (Don't put all your eggs in one basket)

Three native American mothers sat around the campfire. One, seated on deer skin, boasted that her son weighed 140 pounds. A second, seated on her mountain lion skin, claimed that her son weighed 160 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus skin, said, "I don't have any sons, but I myself weigh 300 pounds." Which proves that the squaw on the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.(Pythagoras theorem)

Sammy Stein was walking down a narrow alley late one night when a rapidly moving vehicle entered the alley. As the vehicle approached Sammy, it proceeded faster and faster. Sammy realized he could not outrun it, but found at the last moment a niche in the wall, backed into it, and was saved. "Thank heavens," he said, "A niche in time saved Stein."( a Stitch in time saves nine)
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