Humour Unlimited

[abhisays]

Headlines in 2050

*Anna's grand nephew Munna Hazare is on ANSHAN against corruption, Government says LOKPAL BILL will be passed in a week

*Sachin hoping for his 500th century, says he might play the next world cup! The legend re-iterates that it would be selfish thought to retire from the team when in top form and he has not thought of retirement till now.BCCI says that Sachin and Arjun Tendulkar are the best ODI opening partners in the world.

*Petrol climbs to Rs.65 (per drop)!

*Facebook is declared a country.

*A Girl in Delhi traveled 50 feet safely!

*Lakhshwadeep becomes 63rd team to join IPL.

*Pakistan now wants Tamil Nadu, PM says that they can resolve issues by peaceful talks.

* Afjal Guru dies at 85 in jail of high cholesterol due to too much biriyani

*Union Foreign Minister Ajmal Kasab leaves for 3 days Pakistan visit.

* Ranvijay Singh says that Mehul Gandhi (son of Priyanka Gandhi) is now ready to become prime minister.

* BJP promises to construct Ram Mandir within 10 years.

* Baba Ramdev holds dharnas through video conferencing from TincanIsland to bring back black money stashed abroad.

* India's population reaches 200 crores. The planet earth's axis tilts by 15 degrees due to excessive population weight over the Indian sub-continent.

* India's Male:Female ratio reaches 1000:500. Government makes new law permitting two men to marry one woman.

[abhisays]

A government employee of India

A government employee of India was sitting in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.

“This will look good on my mantel,” he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

“I would like an ice-cold Lassi right now.”... He gets his Lassi and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible.”

Suddenly, he’s on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. “I wish I’d never have to work again.”

Instantly, he was back in his government office…

[abhisays]

Indian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he move...s on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!

[abhisays]

Full form of SHADI

S: shanti Bhang

H:Himmat khatam

A:Aazadi samaapt

D: Dimag kharab

I: Imtihan chalu

jiski ho gayi
Jhelo

Aur jiski nahi hui, soch lo

[anjaan]

Thanks guys for making this thread a big hit.

[abhisays]

Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband. "Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours!
***************************************
There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman Before Marriage And After Marriage.
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Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.
*********************************************
Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What. Let Me Talk to Her, I'll See What I Can Find out and I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said Yes
The Rabbi Replied, "Take the poison
**************************************
Difference Between Complete & Finish... People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH But there is. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED

[neelam]

5 Things which can happen only in Bollywood Movies

1. At least one of the identical twins born is evil.
2. While defusing a bomb,don’t worry which wire to cut,you will always choose the right one.
3. A police can solve a case only when he is suspended from duty.
4. A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up but will show pain when a woman is trying to clean his wound.
5. If you decide to start dancing on street,everyone you meet will know the step.

[neelam]

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place — you either married it or gave birth to it!

[anjaan]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[anjaan]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began shouting greetings to her, "Hello! How are you?! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter approached the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"Well, I'm really surprised to see you!" the woman exclaimed. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I'd been doing pretty well since you died, actually," her husband replied. "I married the beautiful, young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I have been traveling all around the world. In fact, we were on vacation in Cancun when I went water-skiing today. I fell and hit my head, so here I am. What a bummer! Anyway, how do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis ," she replied.

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . or there will be Hell to pay!

NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters)