Clean Jokes - Page 8

imtiaz · 27-08-2010, 11:10 PM

51 days!!!

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go
and sit down and start toasting and chearing, "51 days! 51
days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in,
orders a drink, and joins the other two in the chearing.
Finally, another blonde walkes in with what looks like a
cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle
of the table, and starts chearing with the others, "51 days!
51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. Onthe box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

It Won’t Be Long

A blonde was visiting Washington D.C. for the first time and
wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortuantely, she was
having trouble finding it. Finally she saw a police officer
and asked him for directions.

"Well if you wait at that bus stop right there and get on
the 54, it will take you right there." explained the
officer.

"Thank you" she cooed, and walked to the bus stop.

Five hours later, the police officer was driving by again,
and sure enough, the blonde was still standing at the bus
stop.

The officer stopped and said "Excuse me miss, but I told you
that to get to the Capitol building, you take the number 54,
and it will take you right there. What are you still doing
here?"

"Oh don’t worry officer." she replied. "It won’t be long
now. The 47th bus just went by."

Bill Gates And God

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

imtiaz · 27-08-2010, 11:11 PM

Accident

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

rosy · 28-08-2010, 11:10 AM

Dream Job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

rosy · 28-08-2010, 11:11 AM

Program Managers

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I’d like those two back in the office after lunch."

rosy · 28-08-2010, 11:11 AM

Blonde Escapee

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde.

They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."

Blonde Painter

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. You’ll find the paint and ladders you’ll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door."I’m all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.

"You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari."

rosy · 28-08-2010, 11:12 AM

3 Women

Three blondes are stranded on an island. They find a lamp and rub it and out pops a genie. "I will grant each of you one wish" the genie said.

The first blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a brunette and swam off the island.

The second blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a red-head and built a raft and rowed off the island.

The third blonde wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a man and walked across the bridge.

The Rabbit And Snake

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!"

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

27-08-2010, 11:10 PM	#71
imtiaz Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 57 Rep Power: 15	51 days!!! Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and chearing, "51 days! 51 days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the chearing. Finally, another blonde walkes in with what looks like a cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts chearing with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. Onthe box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!! It Won’t Be Long A blonde was visiting Washington D.C. for the first time and wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortuantely, she was having trouble finding it. Finally she saw a police officer and asked him for directions. "Well if you wait at that bus stop right there and get on the 54, it will take you right there." explained the officer. "Thank you" she cooed, and walked to the bus stop. Five hours later, the police officer was driving by again, and sure enough, the blonde was still standing at the bus stop. The officer stopped and said "Excuse me miss, but I told you that to get to the Capitol building, you take the number 54, and it will take you right there. What are you still doing here?" "Oh don’t worry officer." she replied. "It won’t be long now. The 47th bus just went by." Bill Gates And God Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important. God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?" Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".

27-08-2010, 11:11 PM	#72
imtiaz Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 57 Rep Power: 15	Accident There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

28-08-2010, 11:10 AM	#73
rosy Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 32 Rep Power: 0	Dream Job Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package." The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?" And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

28-08-2010, 11:11 AM	#74
rosy Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 32 Rep Power: 0	Program Managers A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you." The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears. The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears. The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I’d like those two back in the office after lunch."

28-08-2010, 11:12 AM	#76
rosy Member Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 32 Rep Power: 0	3 Women Three blondes are stranded on an island. They find a lamp and rub it and out pops a genie. "I will grant each of you one wish" the genie said. The first blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a brunette and swam off the island. The second blonde said that she wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a red-head and built a raft and rowed off the island. The third blonde wished to be smarter than the other two, and she turned into a man and walked across the bridge. The Rabbit And Snake A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!" Animal Super Bowl During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did," said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too," said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."