Humour Unlimited

[bindujain]

majdar hai

[amol]

This Joke for only IT Professionals....

IT Terminologies vs. Hindi movie names

Pentium II and Pentium I - Bade Miyan Chhote Miyan
Ctrl C+ Ctrl V - Duplicate
Ctrl + Alt + Del - Aakhri Raasta
An employee who frequently changes companies - Chalti Ka Naam Gaadi
An employee who is ready to sign a bond - Dulhan Banu Mai Teri
An employee without signing bond - Kachche Dhage
An employee who works sincerely - Dil Se
An employee who is ready to leave his job - Doli Saja Ke Rakhna
An employee who left the job without informing - Nau Do Gyarah
Project Manager - Jallad
Project Leader - Khal Nayak
Super User Password - Gupt
Bill Gates - Humse Badhkar Kaun
Microsoft Corporation - Ustadon Ke Ustad
Internet - Door Gagan Ki Chhav Mein
Operator vs computer - Main Khiladi Tu Anadi
Windows 95 - Bade Dilwala
Dos & Windows - Do Raaste
Undelete - Naya Jivan
F1 - Guide
Hard disk vs Floppy Disk - Gharwali Baharwali
Mail Merge in MS Word - Sangam
Server - God father
A system infected by virus - Pyar to Hona Hi Tha
A computer for the virus - Piya Ka Ghar
Anti virus Kit - Soldier
--

[amol]

Officer : What Is Your Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Tell Me Properly
Candidate : Mohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Father's Name ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer : Your Native Place
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Is It Madhya Pradesh ?
Candidate : No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer : What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : (Angrily) What Is It ?
Candidate : Metric Pass
Officer : Why Do You Need A Job ?
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : And What Does That Mean ?
Candidate : Money Problem Sir
Officer : Describe Your Personality
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate : Magnanimous Personality Sir
Officer : This Discussion Is Now over, You May Go Now
Candidate : M P. Sir
Officer : What Is It Now
Candidate : My Performance....?
Officer : Mp !!!
Candidate : What Is That Sir..?
Officer : Mentally Punctured ........

[amol]

Ik Computer Field Ki Ladki Kya Gaali Degi?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Saale infinite loop,
Dharti Pe undefined symbol,
Pedaishi error,
Virus ke bacche,
Bevakufi ki hardcopy,
Volatile aadmi,
Bheja blank cd,
itna marugi ki dharti se Delete ho kar,
Sidha yamraj se read ho kar
Nark me display ho jaoge

[amol]

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."

"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"

The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."

"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.

And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"

Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."

[raju]

Johnny Johnny .. Yes papa !!
Corporate Job .. Yes Papa!!
Lot of tension .. Yes papa!!
Too much work .. Yes papa!!
Family life .. No Papa !!
BP.. Sugar .. High Papa!!
Yearly Bonus .. Joke Papa !!
Annual Pay Hike .. Low papa !!
Personal Life .. Lost papa !!
Promotion .. Ha Ha Ha !!

[raju]

Love Letter Of A Computer Engineer


Sweet heart,


I’ve seen you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time I’ve been lonely; this has been the bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.

My life is an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well.

Your smile is so delightful; it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. which I never experienced before.

With this letter, I just want to convey to you that if we are linked together, I’ll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.

I anticipate that nobody has already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail.

And its all but certain that if this happened to me, my system will crash beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox. Error free…


Regards,



Software Programmer


Today This company
Tomorrow That Company
But always want Ur Company!

[raju]

Once a smart Sales Executive and his Manager were traveling towards Ooty in a train.

Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grand ma.

After some minutes, train started moving in to a tunnel and it was very dark.

Suddenly, every body heard a kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping.

Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.


Grand ma thought that," The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is?

He has kissed my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine;

she immediately slapped that guy."


Manager thought that,

"I can't believe that this guy has kissed that girl!

But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake"


That girl thought,"I feel happy, when that guy kissed me,

but I feel sorry that my grand ma has slapped him".


Finally, do u know what our clever Sales Executive thought?
"This one minute in my life is wonderful, It hardly comes...because,

at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my Boss”

[raju]

With the advent of computers, satellite communication and internet, our sojourn on earth is becoming increasingly complex. If we are to retain our mental poise, we have to periodically and compulsively allow time for fun and laughter. It is presumably for this reason that Humour Clubs have sprung up everywhere and their weekend laughter sessions are well attended.

Jokes are the potent tools for evoking spontaneous and infectious human laughter. Narrating a joke is also an art and you must be able to narrate it with a straight face letting your hearers laugh. It is said that irrelevance is worse than idiocy and therefore be able to pick the right joke for the right occasion. Further, Jokes should not be unduly long lest your hearers begin to yawn even before you reach the punch-line.

I remember a Korean official was addressing a small gathering outside Delhi – having at hand an interpreter for immediate voice translation. The Korean official narrated a long-winding joke lasting for a few minutes, in his native language. His interpreter translated the long story into one simple sentence and managed to evoke loud and spontaneous laughter amidst the audience. After the meeting was over, the baffled official was curious to know from the translator how he could condense such a lengthy joke into one line. The translator said: “No Sir, it was very simple. I never translated your joke. I merely told the gathering that this outlandish speaker has cracked a joke and they all must laugh and the crowd readily responded”.

There are some jokes that can never be narrated orally but only through writing. Take the following two classic examples.

This is a telephone conversation between two Englishmen:

WILL: What’s your name?
WATT: Watt’s my name.
WILL: I asked you what’s your name?
WATT: I told you Watt’s my name.
There was a pause.
WATT: Is that James?
WILL: No, this is Knott
WATT: Please give your name.
WILL: Will Knott

After a while, both speakers hung up.

A patient wanted to know from a medical practitioner whether sexual potency decreased with age.

The doctor replied:

Between 25 to 35 years, tri-weekly
Between 35 to 45 years, try weekly
After 45 years, try weakly.

It can also happen that a person, through his sheer lack of understanding, can create a humourous situation. Here are two classic examples:

A villager from Bengal met the then Chief Minister P.C.Sen and requested him to touch his enlarged hydroceles. The Chief Minister could sense that there has been some misunderstanding. He explained to the visitor that his predecessor Dr. B.C.Roy was a medical practitioner but he was not. He advised the villager to consult a doctor. The villager was however adamant and wanted the CM to touch his hydrocele. A visibly annoyed CM politely advised the caller not to entertain superstitious beliefs and politicians including ministers were only ordinary mortals and not God-men with divine touch. The villager would have nothing of it and was firm in his request that the CM touch his hydroceles. When pressed to speak out, the villager said: “People in my village say that anything the Government touches vanishes and I therefore want the CM to oblige”.

A teenaged girl was leading the cow for crossing with the bull when she ran into the village preacher. The preacher was indeed a moralist and was aghast to know that a young girl should have been entrusted with such an undesirable errand. He advised the girl that her father should be doing such things. The girl promptly replied: “Yes, I also told father to do it, but he says it has to be the bull”.

There are a wide range of jokes – political jokes, professional jokes, Sardarji jokes, adults-only jokes.


Amongst the wide range of jokes, the most popular and commonplace in India are the Sardarji jokes. I have lot of admiration for the Sikhs. Apart from their valour, they are also gifted with sportsman-like qualities – capable of laughing not only with others but also laughing at themselves.

A Sardarji, a Bengali and a Madrasi turned up for an interview held to select a person for sending to the moon. The Sardarji demanded Rs. 10,0000 for agreeing to the offer and explained to the committee that the task was perilous, he may or may not return alive and so Rs. 10, 0000 was required for the future upkeep of his wife and son. The committee felt the expectation reasonable and asked him to wait. The Bengali interviewed next demanded Rs. 20, 0000 and explained that since his family was larger, he needed a higher compensation.

Finally the Madrasi went in and quoted a sum of Rs. 300000 and when questioned why his expectations were so high, he justified his demand saying, he needed Rs. 100000 for his family’s upkeep, the second Rs. 100 000 was required for bribing the interviewing officials lest they may not select him and the third Rs 100000 was for paying the Sardarji and sending him to the moon.

There are some practical jokes and the one I enjoyed most was when I was walking along Nungumbakkam High Road last week, I saw a big poster pasted on the compound wall of the Institute of Chartered Accountants. The Poster carried a message in big bold letters ‘Jesus Never Fails’ and underneath a disgruntled student had scribbled in pen “Ask him to appear for CA exams”.

This happened during the fag end of December 97 when a prospective assessee was rushing to the Income tax office presumably to avail benefits under VDIS scheme. A passerby pointed out to this gentleman that his fly was open – but our friend was in such tearing hurry and had no time to listen. He merely shouted back “I an going in for a voluntary disclosure”

Most people appreciate political jokes – maybe because of our natural revulsion for our politicians and their obnoxious ways. Some political jokes are true while a large number of tem are fictitious.

After becoming the General Secretary of The Communist Party of then USSR, Nikita Kruschev was strongly denouncing Josef Stalin for all his misdeeds and explained how he had brought USSR to ruins. A man from the crowd demanded to know why Kruschev did not caution Stalin. “Who asked me this question?” Kruschev thundered. Nobody got up and for a few minutes there was a deathly silence. Thereafter, Kruschev said: “Gentlemen, It is for this same reason I did not question Stalin”

Whether pressmen asked Rajiv Gandhi whether he was trying to pull down the National Front Government, he said “No, they themselves are busy doing it”
The above two are factual instances whereas there are many fabricated ones.

Nehru, who was visiting a mental hospital, spent a couple of hours going round the various wards and finally came to the ward where inmates, fully cured and waiting to be discharged, had assembled. One of them asked “Who are you?” Nehru replied “I am Jawaharlal Nehru, the Prime Minister of India” to which the inmate said somewhat sympathetically “oh! All of us were saying the same thing when we got admitted here two years ago. Anyway, do not worry. This is a good hospital and you will soon be alright”

There are any number of professional jokes – I will just offer you one. A business executive, having stayed at a star hotel, complained to the manager whilst checking out that he was harassed by bed bugs. A week later, he was surprised to receive a polite, well-worded letter stating “Sir, We are extremely sorry that you were inconvenienced by bed bugs during your stay with us. Despite the best care and attention we bestow, sometimes such things do happen. We wish to apologize profusely and assure you that such things will not recur.” The business executive was immensely pleased till he saw a small slip somebody had inadvertently put inside the envelope which read “Send this guy our usual bed bug letter”

There are a few cryptic one-liners.

Spine is a cord of limber bones – your head sits on one end and you on the other.

Bore is a fellow who has nothing to say but insists on saying it.

Middle age is the time when your memories become shorter, your experiences longer, your stamina lower and your forehead broader.

Falsies make mountains out of molehills.

Undertaker is the last man to let you down.

Here is an April fool joke. A twelve-year old boy complained to his mother that he saw their housemaid Kamala and driver Ramu making love in the kitchen. The lady of the house was understandably furious and instantly summoned Kamala and Ramu to the hall. Ramu did not turn up and a nervous Kamala politely reminded the lady that Ramu had obtained leave and already left for his village two days back. While the mother wanted to censure her son for lying, he triumphantly shouted “April Fool Mummy! April fool Mummy! It was daddy and not Ramu

[raju]

Shadi Ke 7 Sukh.
1.Subah Subah Garam Paani Milega..
(Bartan Dhone Ke Liye)
2.Pyare Pyare Bache Milenge..
(Aapko Gadha Banane Ke Liye)
3.Har Roz Biwi Aapse Pyar Se Bolegi..
(Rashan Lane Ke Liye)
4.Biwi Aapki Baahon Me Baahein Dalegi
(Kharche Pani Ke Liye)
5.Aap Gaana Gana Shuru Kar Doge
(Bachon Ko Sulane Ke Liye)
6.Vo Roz Tyaar Hokar Samne Ayegi
(Shoppin Pe Jaane Ke Liye)
7.Aapko Whisky Ka Maza Ayega
(Kuch Pal Gham Bhulane Ke Liye)....!!!