Punography

[internetpremi]

A man named Hood was a healthy and full of life. In later life, when an undertaker offered him his services, he quipped: "He is trying to urn a lively Hood."

The glutton commented after wolfing down a doughnut: "I can't believe I ate the hole thing!"

The woman who got a speeding ticket on her way home said: "It was a fine trip!"

He became a math teacher due to some prime factors.

A woman was watching a horror movie. In a grisly scene in the movie she sees a woman get decapitated and screams in the theatre hall. One in the audience commented : "Geez, she didn't need to lose her head over that!

[internetpremi]

A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says,

"Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."

[internetpremi]

This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...
==========


These two strings walk upto a bar...
The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar...
The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders...
The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
String says "Yeah."
Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" ...
String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

[internetpremi]

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"


A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."


A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"


Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

[internetpremi]

...a man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer.

As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!"

Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us."

"It's the peanuts" answered the bartender.
"Say what?"

"You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

[internetpremi]

...It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM.

One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri",

to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[rajnish manga]

Very funny - all of them. They provide a wholesome entertainment.
Thanks, Vishwanathji.

This is a free service to the (laughter) have-nots.

[internetpremi]

Thanks Rajinshji for the encouragement.

Not only do the puns provide wholesome entertainment for all of us who can understand them, but they display amazing intelligence on the part of the original authors.

Even if some are silly, it takes talent to come up with word jugglery like this.

I believe they are an intelligent form of humour.

My only regret is that I am unable to locate Desi puns, i.e. puns with a mix of English and Hindi which will be understood by us Indians only. I believe the scope to be even more vast due to the combined vocabulary of two languages.

May be someday I will find them somewhere or may be some us can be motivated to invent them!

Regards
GV

[internetpremi]

Crowded gyms with occupied machines are the worst because we’re there to lose weight, not gain wait.

I try not to spend too much time online but Wi-Fight it?

I’d love to have somebody gently scoop chow mein in my mouth because I have an Asian fed-dish.

If you hate when people pull up next to you at a stoplight staring, revving up their engine and speeding off, you’re race-ist.

Will you marry me = a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me? = A foursome inquiry.

The weather bureau is an umbrella organization.

[internetpremi]

Classical music is better than Mozart forms.

I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.

The retired general would not help his grandson color Easter eggs, but he did give the boy some cottage cheese. Old soldiers never dye, they just feed some whey.

Popeye had just finished plucking a goose when a gust of wind scattered all of the feathers. He said, 'Well, blow me down.'

I was scrambling for another egg joke, but I can't seem to whip one up. Guess I'm a bit fried.