Humour Unlimited

[anjaan]

Amy phones her husband at work, "Sam, do you have time for a chat?"

"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."

"But this won't take long," Amy says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."

"I really haven't the time," says Sam, "so just quickly tell me the good news."

"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well."

[anjaan]

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.

When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."

"Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"

The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Smith on the third floor."

[anjaan]

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

[anjaan]

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

[anjaan]

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

[anjaan]

One evening, a young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is.

[anjaan]

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

[anjaan]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

[anjaan]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?"

[anjaan]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

He never knew what hit him.