Humour Unlimited

[anjaan]

Ranting at Random

Old People. Stop messing with them. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time gramps figures out how to open it he'll be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

Women and their eyebrows. What’s the deal here? Why are you so obsessed with making them skinny, pointy, curved, slanted or whatever. Men don’t care. Do you have two eybrows? Great -- let's go to dinner!

Baseball cards. You know, as I kid I collected them. Heck, I think every kid collects baseball cards. The cards represent your heros, your idols, people you wanted to be like when you grew up. My problem isn’t with kids… it’s adults. Listen if you’re a grown man you’re not collecting cards, you’re collecting pictures of men. That’s a little bit weird.

[anjaan]

Deputy Vacation

A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vaction, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleap two per room so they could afford the trip.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Daryl - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy to bunk with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didnt get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep.”

The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring. “We’ll see!” said the other debuties. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Daryl into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore a bit.”

[anjaan]

Interstate Inspiration

Four guys are driving across country together - one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.

A short ways down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the heck are you doing?” The man from Idaho says, “We have so many of these darned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground. I’m sick of looking at them!”

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies, “We have so many of these darned things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

[anjaan]

And You Thought Your Job Was A Pain?

If you think, for one second, you’ve got a bad job, on your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. I want you to go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice there is a disclosure in very fine print that reads:

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Have a wonderful day knowing that, no matter how bad it is, there is always a job that’s more of a pain than yours.

[anjaan]

Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

[anjaan]

A Colorful Reunion

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and was with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were related."

[anjaan]

A Reflective Picture

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”

He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly so-and-so he’s runnin’ around with.”

[anjaan]

Might as Well Go Fishing

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of necessaries for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[anjaan]

Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

[anjaan]

Devoted Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"