Humour Unlimited

[anjaan]

The Rude Customer

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Buzz Off!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[anjaan]

Selling Bibles

While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"

[anjaan]

Classes for Men

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life estimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

[anjaan]

Golf score

First golfer, Bill: "What was your score?"

Bob: "Seventy-two."

Bill: "That's not too bad at all!"

Bob: "Thanks! I hope I'll do better on the second hole."

[anjaan]

They were soooooo stupid

..They took a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.
..They sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..They thought a quarterback was a refund.
..They tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
..They thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..They thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..They thought General Motors was in the Army.
..They thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..They thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..Under "education" on their job application, they put "Hooked On Phonics."
..They tripped over a cordless phone.
..They spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."

[anjaan]

Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and I'm told we're not using it anymore.

[anjaan]

Funny Guys

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other - they just need to refer to each joke by a number.

“Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up.

"Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl.

Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?”

“Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”

[anjaan]

Not the brightest bulbs in the lamp

..They told me to meet them at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", they put "Sagittarius."
..They asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..They studied for a blood test.
..They thought they needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
..They sold the car for gas money!
..when they missed the 44 bus, they took the 22 bus twice instead.
..when they went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," they turned around and went home.
..when they heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, they moved.
..They think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if they spoke her mind, they'd be speechless.
..They thought that they could not use their AM radio in the evening.
..They had a shirt that said "TGIF," which they thought stood for: This Goes In Front.

[anjaan]

Hysterical History

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?

Get in the boat!

[anjaan]

Two Crooks

Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels. They were dirty crooks!