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Old 30-04-2012, 12:16 AM   #371
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Ant Humor


What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!

What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!



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Old 30-04-2012, 12:17 AM   #372
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Simple Home Remedies


- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

- For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

- A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

- Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.


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Old 30-04-2012, 12:17 AM   #373
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Unspeakable


A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."



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Old 01-05-2012, 05:41 PM   #374
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Santa Singh & Banta Singh was standing on the platform, Hearing The announcement of train coming, Santa jumped over Railway track.

Sant- Oye !!!! marega kya?

Banta- Khote !!!!! marega too. Suna nahi kya announcement hua?

Train Platfarm No 1 pr aa rahi hai , Hm No1 platform pr he khdhe hai !!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 01-05-2012, 05:41 PM   #375
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Rules for Life


Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are;

- You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.

- Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

- Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

- And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.



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Old 01-05-2012, 06:02 PM   #376
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Final Countdown


A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."



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Old 01-05-2012, 06:03 PM   #377
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Ant Jokes


Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!



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Old 01-05-2012, 06:03 PM   #378
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Beautiful Choir


It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the "Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam". But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam. Then, another thought "The Pencil Leads" was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."

"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves"...are you ready for this?...

"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR"

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Old 01-05-2012, 06:04 PM   #379
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Smelling and Hearing


An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we'll have to work on your hearing."



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Old 01-05-2012, 06:05 PM   #380
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New Years Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more.

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Take up a new habit: smoking.

8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.

9. Spend more time at work.

10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.

11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

12. Quit giving money & time to charity.

14. Start being superstitious.

15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.

18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

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