Humour Unlimited

[anjaan]

Went to a Fortune Teller

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

[anjaan]

Very Hostile Farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

[anjaan]

The New Ceo

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

[anjaan]

Amitabh's Replacement


Since Amitabh Bachchan's is out for Kaun Banega Crorepati, here are a few persons who could audition for the show.
Nana Patekar: Jaldi se jawab bol. Sahi jawab tere ko lakhpati bana dalega.Galat jawab tere ko hijda bana dega.
Amjad Khan: Kitne options the? Chaar ! Soover ke bachchon ! Chaar chaar options ! Bahut nainsaafi hai ! Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin ! 50-50 kar ke do galat jawab main uda diye. Ab bol, tera kya hoga kaaliya?
Sanjay Dutt: Aye item log, kaye ko udhar khada hai? Idhar aake mere pass baith jaa. Kya be chikne - tere ko aata hai to bol dal varna main tere ko idhar-eech phod dalega.
Raj Kumar: Jaani, huuum, hhhuuuum hote to apne dost ko phone kar ke sawaal pooch lete.
Jagdeep: Bole to Soorma Bhopali - meri jeb ho gayi khaali. Mere pass to koi cheque nahin hain. Arre mujhko jaane do.
Mithun Chakraborty: Eeyaeech ! Tu audience poll karega ? Aye, yahan ke public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai? Time nahin hai.
Kesto Mukherji: Hee-heek. Hee-yaik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do dikh rahela hai.Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye? Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut chad gayeli hai.
Ashok Kumar: To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke Ramesh Kumar ( gasp), yahan se Rs 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ). Kal aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log (croak ).

[anjaan]

Keshto

Keshto Mukherjee had a little too much to drink one day. He was driving home from the bar one night and, of course, his car was weaving violently all over the road.
A hawaldar pulls him over and asked, "kahan se aa rahe ho?"
"Iiiizzzzze! daru khane se! izzzeezzzeh!" slurs Kesto.
"Lagta hai ke aapne bahot pee rakhi hai"
"Hehheha. Lekin mai thik hu!" Kesto says in his usual style.
"Lekin aapko pata hai," says the hawaldar, "kuchh der pahle pahle aapki biwi car se gir gayi?
"Iiizzzzzezzzeeh! Tab to sab thik hai" sighs Kesto, "thodi der ke liye to apne ko laga...izzzezze...ke apun behra ho gaya hun....hehhehe".

[anjaan]

'MADE IN AMERICA'

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one

[anjaan]

Sindhi & Sardar

Mr.Thadani, a middle-aged Sindhi, is on a plane for Hongkong, in a window seat.
Just before take-off, this HUGE Sardar wearing a beautiful suit walks up and sits down beside him.
A few minutes later, the plane takes off.
All is well For a while.
But then, Mr.Thadani realizes that he has to go to the washroom.
That wouldn't be a problem,but he looks over and notices that the Sardar beside him is sound asleep, and Mr.Thadani, being a meek man is afraid to disturb him.
So he figures he'll hold it in till Sardarji wakes up.
But as luck would have it, the Sardar just keeps snoring away, and Mr. Thadani is feeling increasingly more uncomfortable.
After a while, he starts to feel nauseous as well, what from holding it in combined with the plane ride.
He tries and tries to hold it in, but then "AAARRGGHH!!"--he throws up all over the Sardar and his beautiful suit.
He thinks, "Oh, no! Now he's gonna kill me!" and sits there in apprehension waiting for the Sardar to wake up.
Finally, the Sardar wakes up, and finds all this vomit all over him. Mr. Thadani says to him, "Well, do you fell better now?"

[anjaan]

General Zia

General Zia driving round Islamabad came across long queues of Pakistanis outside several embassies wanting visas and entry permits to go abroad.
He got out of his car and joined a line to find out why so many people wanted to leave the country.
No sooner did people see their President with them they left the queue to return to their homes.
President Zia asked them why they were doing so. They replied: "If you are leaving Pakistan there is no need for us to go."

[anjaan]

I Killed the Pig

Pak dictator Zia is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits it.
Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Zia climbs out also to see what is going on.
The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Zia what they should do, and Zia tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.
All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Zia whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.
Zia agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.
Four hours later, he was stumbling down the road, his arms full of gifts.
Zia in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains,
"I did what I thought was right.
I went to the farm where I killed the pig.
When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me these gifts, fed me the best food I've ever tasted and then sent me on my way."
Zia seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them"
To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Zia's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."

[abhisays]

In Lok Sabha, a congress MP during his speech told a story.....
"There was a father who gave 100 rupees each to his 3 sons and asked them to buy things and fill up a room completely.

First son bought hay for Rs. 100 but couldn't fill the room entirely.

Second son bought cotton for Rs. 100 but couldn't fill the room entirely.

Third son bought a candle for Rs. 1 and lit it up and the room was filled with light completely."

The MP added

"Our Prime Minister is like the third son. Since the day he has taken charge of his office, our country is filled with the bright light of prosperity"

A voice from the backbench asked:

"Woh sab toh theek hai... Where are the remaining Rs. 99?"