Clean Jokes - Page 4

Rinu · 16-07-2010, 10:36 PM

Lil' Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT." The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!"

Rinu · 16-07-2010, 10:36 PM

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said. Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Rinu · 16-07-2010, 10:38 PM

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

Rinu · 16-07-2010, 10:40 PM

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

Rinu · 16-07-2010, 10:43 PM

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

Rinu · 16-07-2010, 10:44 PM

A man walked into a diner, and he sits down. The waitress comes up to him and says the special for today is Split Pea Soup. And boy does the man love split pea soup. So he orders a bowl. The waitress says "Sorry sir, but I just served our last bowl to that guy over there." The other man says "Here, you can have it, I don't need it." The first man accepts it and thanks the other man. So the man starts digging into the soup and its the best soup he's ever had. After a little bit, he sees a mouse in his soup and throws up. The other man says "Yeah, I got that far too when I threw up."

Rinu · 16-07-2010, 10:45 PM

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

Rinu · 16-07-2010, 10:46 PM

On a busy street in New York City, a man hustles across an intersection and is just about makes it to the other side before he’s hit by a bus. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd, but there is no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A priest, please!" repeats the dying man. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for 50 years now I’ve been living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the gentleman over to where the dying man is lying. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72."

Rinu · 16-07-2010, 10:48 PM

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Rinu · 16-07-2010, 10:48 PM

"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?" "No, Dad." "I think you are lying." "No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree." "Son, I saw you out here with your ax. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!" "Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. "Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. "I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. "I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. "I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock. "What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my ax to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the ax cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. "I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship. "Thank you."

16-07-2010, 10:36 PM	#31
Rinu Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 150 Rep Power: 15	Lil' Johnny's mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT." The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny received a quiet reprimand. After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is that wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!"

16-07-2010, 10:38 PM	#33
Rinu Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 150 Rep Power: 15	A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

16-07-2010, 10:40 PM	#34
Rinu Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 150 Rep Power: 15	There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

16-07-2010, 10:43 PM	#35
Rinu Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 150 Rep Power: 15	Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please."

16-07-2010, 10:44 PM	#36
Rinu Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 150 Rep Power: 15	A man walked into a diner, and he sits down. The waitress comes up to him and says the special for today is Split Pea Soup. And boy does the man love split pea soup. So he orders a bowl. The waitress says "Sorry sir, but I just served our last bowl to that guy over there." The other man says "Here, you can have it, I don't need it." The first man accepts it and thanks the other man. So the man starts digging into the soup and its the best soup he's ever had. After a little bit, he sees a mouse in his soup and throws up. The other man says "Yeah, I got that far too when I threw up."

16-07-2010, 10:45 PM	#37
Rinu Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 150 Rep Power: 15	A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"

16-07-2010, 10:46 PM	#38
Rinu Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 150 Rep Power: 15	On a busy street in New York City, a man hustles across an intersection and is just about makes it to the other side before he’s hit by a bus. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd, but there is no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A priest, please!" repeats the dying man. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for 50 years now I’ve been living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I listen to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agrees and brings the gentleman over to where the dying man is lying. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72."

16-07-2010, 10:48 PM	#39
Rinu Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 150 Rep Power: 15	The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."