Humour Unlimited

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A lady tells her husband to go to d store to buy cigarettes. He walks down to d store to find it closed.So he goes into a nearby bar to use d vending machine.
At d bar he sees a beautiful woman n starts talking to her. They hv few beers n one thing leads to another n they end up in her apartment. Later, he wakes up n realizes its 3AM n says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to get really angr...y. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some powder. he rubs it on his hands n leaves.
At d door, angry wife "Where d hell hv u been?" "Well, honey, I went to d store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to d bar to use d vending machine. I saw this great lukin girl there n we hd a few drinks n one thing led to another n I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Lemme c ur hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder . "You God darn liar! You were playing pool again!"
Moral of the story: Always tell ur wife the truth. She won't believe u anyway!!!

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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohh God!!! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

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Worried about their less-than-exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist, who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis. And, to the wife's joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: “She’s not my wife…She’s not my wife…She’s not my wife…”

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A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The undertaker,” she replied.

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A man with stomach pains goes to the hospital. The doctor tells him it’s constipation and that he’ll need to use suppositories. The man is instructed to drop his pants and bend over, whereupon the doc shoves the tablet up his behind.

“You’ll have to do the same thing every six hours for a week,” says the doctor.

Later that evening, the man is having difficulty inserting another suppository and decides to ask his wife for help. He tells her what to do, then drops his pants and bends over. She proceeds to put one hand on his shoulder and with the other shoves the suppository home.

“Damn!” screams the man.

“What’s the matter?” she asks. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” he replies, “but I just realized that the doctor had both hands on my shoulders.”