Share Santa and Banta Jokes - Page 8

Ripa · 04-07-2010, 11:04 PM

How to save the airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Ripa · 04-07-2010, 11:06 PM

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

--Ellen DeGeneres

Ripa · 04-07-2010, 11:07 PM

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'"

--Jake Johansen

Ripa · 04-07-2010, 11:08 PM

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

Ripa · 04-07-2010, 11:08 PM

Q. What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
A. Drizzle

Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson

Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men?
A. He thought it was a home delivery service.

Ripa · 04-07-2010, 11:13 PM

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

Ripa · 04-07-2010, 11:13 PM

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Ripa · 04-07-2010, 11:14 PM

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

Ripa · 04-07-2010, 11:23 PM

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

Ripa · 04-07-2010, 11:23 PM

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any "we" in the first place."

04-07-2010, 11:04 PM	#71
Ripa Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 17 Rep Power: 0	How to save the airlines Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.' Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

04-07-2010, 11:06 PM	#72
Ripa Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 17 Rep Power: 0	"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres

04-07-2010, 11:07 PM	#73
Ripa Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 17 Rep Power: 0	"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" --Jake Johansen

04-07-2010, 11:08 PM	#74
Ripa Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 17 Rep Power: 0	"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

04-07-2010, 11:13 PM	#76
Ripa Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 17 Rep Power: 0	Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

04-07-2010, 11:14 PM	#78
Ripa Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 17 Rep Power: 0	Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

04-07-2010, 11:23 PM	#79
Ripa Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 17 Rep Power: 0	A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"