Funny Jokes....

[saurav]

Drink policy

A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, and climbs down off the barstool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a barstool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk and will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

[saurav]

Bar hassles
A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home.

[saurav]

Lesbianism
A man walked into a bar and strode up to the counter, where a very attractive female bartender was standing. He asked her, "Hey, you wanna go out tonight?"

She said, "Sorry, I'm a lesbian."

He asked, "What is a lesbian?"

She answered, "You see that pretty blond in the corner? I want to hug her and kiss her and do all the things to her that you would do to your girlfriend."

The man paused. Then he started to cry.

The bartender, concerned, asked, "What's wrong?"

He answered, "I think I'm a lesbian too!"

[saurav]

Speed limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 Mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

[saurav]

Crocodile boots

Santa proposes to a woman. She says that she will agree only if he bring her a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears.

Finally a search operation is conducted, and they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.

He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and exclaims angrily, "71st and bare feet again!"

[rosy]

House on Fire

Once a building caught fire and two guys and Chiman were trapped in the balcony. On the ground, fire fighters caught hold of a net and asked them to jump. The first one jumped but the fire fighters removed the net and he was killed.

Then the other guy was asked to jump and again they removed the net too soon and he was dead. Seeing all this, Chiman was furious and said: ’You keep the net on the ground and get away from it. I don’t trust you.

[rosy]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you’re an engineer -- you’re in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We’ve got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I’ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[rosy]

Saluting

In our military academy, we had a civilian chemistry teacher who was very particular about cadets saluting him.

One day he reprimanded a cadet who had failed to salute him.

That same evening he complained to a colleague: “I really can’t understand it. When I’m alone no one salutes me; when I’m with my wife, half the academy salutes me; and when I’m with my daughter, every cadet salutes me!.

[sunita]

Post Of A Secretary

A "Mallu" female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the Mallu’s colourful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN." Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance."

The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."

The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said : "I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW......BLUE’s that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number ...........Don’t PURPLELY disturb people and don’t call BLACK, ok?

Thankyou."

The Manager fainted.......

[sunita]

Dentures

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached ten minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only twenty minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures... and I couldn’t stop talking!