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Old 04-05-2012, 08:53 AM   #691
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Default Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan

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Old 04-05-2012, 08:54 AM   #692
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Default Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan

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Old 04-05-2012, 08:54 AM   #693
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Default Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan

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Old 04-05-2012, 08:55 AM   #694
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Default Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan

Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:

"Anyone got a c*ck?" All men rose.

"I meant anyone seen a c*ck?" All women rose.

"I mean anyone seen my c*ck?" All nuns rose.

=========
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Old 04-05-2012, 08:55 AM   #695
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Default Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
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Old 04-05-2012, 08:56 AM   #696
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Default Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan

Arrange marriage means that we are walking and suddenly a snake bites.
But love marriage means to go to snake and say
Ly kat ly
Kat naaaa!

Nai nai tu kat
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Old 04-05-2012, 08:56 AM   #697
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Default Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,


When the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.


He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes, and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.



The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's rapt attention, and with a sly, **** smile, approached her.


Blushing, she prepared to apologize for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear.


"I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever fantasized, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..."


Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."


The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. She scribbled her address on a napkin, folded it around the cash, and pressed it into his waiting hand. She leaned over and whispered into his ear...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Clean... My... House."
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Old 04-05-2012, 08:56 AM   #698
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Default Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.


One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, " You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.


When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?" "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."
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Old 04-05-2012, 08:57 AM   #699
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Default Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan

Three contractors . . . One from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it.

The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."

The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: " $2,700."

The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"

Guess who got the contract............ ......... ...!!
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Old 04-05-2012, 08:57 AM   #700
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Default Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan

Newton in Romantic Mood......


Universal law of Love:

" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "

************ *

First law of Love:

" a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. "

************ *

Second law of Love:

" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. "

************ *

Third law of Love:

" the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping ."
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