Humour Unlimited

[anjaan]

Jack died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yatch and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."

[anjaan]

A woman wakes up at night to find her husband not in bed. she finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought.

"What's the matter, dear?", she asks.

The husband looks up. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. "Do you remeber when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'."

"I remember that too," she replies.

He wipes a tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

[anjaan]

Man: "What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"

Woman: "Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!!!"

[anjaan]

Boy: "Are you sure that you only love me?"

Girl: "Yea. I checked the whole list yesterday."

[anjaan]

It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from watching a movie.
Alice was feeling romantic. "Will you still love me when my hair has turned to silver? she crooned.
"Why not?" Al grunted. "Didn't I love you through four other shades?"

[anjaan]

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR

Ocean crossing flight: "This is your Captain speaking. I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices."

"Hey folks, we are going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts."

"Our loss of altitude allows a close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it is all a part of our airline's new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing extravaganza"

[anjaan]

Once there was a millionaire who kept alligators in apool in his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, "My dear guests.... I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he had said this there was a large splash. There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might and screaming for his life. The crowd cheered him on. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries.

The millionare was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy said, "Listen, I don't want your money nordo I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in."

[anjaan]

MARRIAGE PROPOSALS - STATISTICS

54 percent of men still get down on one knee.

44 percent of men ask their partner's father for permission to marry.

57 percent of men cry when she says "YES".

25 percent of couples wait longer than five years before taking their relationship that step further.

23 percent of women have been proposed to more than once.

[anjaan]

FURTHER THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR

As the plane turns around immediately after take off....."uhhhh... we have to go back....we...we.....uhhhhhhh.....forgot something......."

"I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we will be flying much more efficiently now."

"Fasten your seat belts" (same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get into his car)

"This is your Captain speaking..... These stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.... so you will have to give me some leeway...."

"It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie."

[anjaan]

In Alaska's National forests, a tourist guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory. "Most bear encounters ocur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, acidentally stumble into bears. the resulting surprise can be catastrophic."

To avoid this he suggessted that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in he area, especially when you see bear droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Oh, that's easy," the guide explained, "it's the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"