Clean Jokes - Page 7

suman · 27-08-2010, 09:49 PM

Stuck behind

After he finished his route, a bus driver had to explain to the supervisor, why he was 10 minutes late; "I was stuck behind a big truck."

"But yesterday you were 10 minutes early," reminded the boss.

"Yeah, the bus driver replied. "But yesterday I was stuck behind a Porsche."

Dreams

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."

"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."

His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"

"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."

suman · 27-08-2010, 09:50 PM

Truth

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

suman · 27-08-2010, 09:50 PM

What does it smell like

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves - the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

imtiaz · 27-08-2010, 10:05 PM

Bagpipes

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

imtiaz · 27-08-2010, 10:06 PM

Nasty Comment

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... ’Congratulations on your new location!’"

Parking in New York

A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

imtiaz · 27-08-2010, 10:06 PM

Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There’s the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing."

imtiaz · 27-08-2010, 10:07 PM

Millions of Stars

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

imtiaz · 27-08-2010, 10:07 PM

No Warning

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

imtiaz · 27-08-2010, 10:08 PM

Don’t Believe in Hell?

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is."

Computer Power

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
’My, you look tired,’ she said. ’You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?’
’It was terrible,’ her husband said, ’The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.’

F B I

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I’m calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

imtiaz · 27-08-2010, 10:09 PM

Ball On The Tees

A man and his wife were driving on the North-South highway on his way from Johor Bahru to Penang. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next petrol station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a petrol station and pulls over to the high-octane pump.
"What can I do for you?" asks the attendant. "Full tank of unleaded," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. "What kind of car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, is the new Proton convertible." "What has got in it?" asks the attendant." Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD changer and VCD player in the trunk with 1000 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Waaah," says the attendant, "That’s really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That’ll be $50," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and takes out a $50. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That’s what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Waaaaaah," says the attendant, "Those Proton people think of everything!"

27-08-2010, 09:49 PM	#61
suman Member Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 19 Rep Power: 0	Stuck behind After he finished his route, a bus driver had to explain to the supervisor, why he was 10 minutes late; "I was stuck behind a big truck." "But yesterday you were 10 minutes early," reminded the boss. "Yeah, the bus driver replied. "But yesterday I was stuck behind a Porsche." Dreams Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life." His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?" "Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."

27-08-2010, 09:50 PM	#62
suman Member Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 19 Rep Power: 0	Truth A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

27-08-2010, 10:05 PM	#64
imtiaz Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 57 Rep Power: 15	Bagpipes Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Mann went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

27-08-2010, 10:06 PM	#65
imtiaz Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 57 Rep Power: 15	Nasty Comment A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... ’Congratulations on your new location!’" Parking in New York A gentleman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the gentleman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the gentleman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The gentleman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

27-08-2010, 10:07 PM	#67
imtiaz Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 57 Rep Power: 15	Millions of Stars Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see". Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars". Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

27-08-2010, 10:08 PM	#69
imtiaz Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 57 Rep Power: 15	Don’t Believe in Hell? A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is." Computer Power The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. ’My, you look tired,’ she said. ’You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?’ ’It was terrible,’ her husband said, ’The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking.’ F B I The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "I’m calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?" "Yep." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

27-08-2010, 10:09 PM	#70
imtiaz Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 57 Rep Power: 15	Ball On The Tees A man and his wife were driving on the North-South highway on his way from Johor Bahru to Penang. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next petrol station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a petrol station and pulls over to the high-octane pump. "What can I do for you?" asks the attendant. "Full tank of unleaded," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. "What kind of car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, is the new Proton convertible." "What has got in it?" asks the attendant." Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD changer and VCD player in the trunk with 1000 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine." "Waaah," says the attendant, "That’s really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That’ll be $50," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and takes out a $50. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That’s what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Waaaaaah," says the attendant, "Those Proton people think of everything!"