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Old 29-04-2012, 06:54 PM   #301
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Afterlife


After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, ' Look, he's moving!'"


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Old 29-04-2012, 06:55 PM   #302
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Banged Up


"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"


"Don't stand up in the car!"


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Old 29-04-2012, 06:55 PM   #303
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Two Muffins


So there's these two muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "Oh man, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy cow, a talking muffin!"


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Old 29-04-2012, 06:55 PM   #304
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Tomato Blushing

Why was the Tomato blushing?

Because he saw the salad dressing.


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Old 29-04-2012, 06:56 PM   #305
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Quips from Late Night

A Happy St. Patrick's Day to everybody! Amazing, over 300 sober people. You never see that on St. Patrick's Day. Everybody's wearing green. The only place you didn't see any green today, Wall Street." --Jay Leno

"Another political sex scandal in the New York area in the papers today. Unbelievable what's going on lately. This is the latest. A man who used to be the chauffeur for New Jersey's former governor, Jim McGreevey, is claiming that he used to have three-way sex with McGreevy and his wife. Yeah. True story. When asked about it, McGreevey said, 'That's a lie. I would never have had sex with my wife.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Governor Spitzer of New York officially, who officially resigned today has got more problems, because they're now saying he spent thousands of dollars on these prostitutes and tried to make it look like a legitimate expense. Yeah, yeah. Like after he had sex with them, he'd make the hooker go out and fix a pothole." --Jay Leno

"It was an exciting day up in Albany. At the governor's mansion earlier today, women were outside of the governor's mansion wearing buttons that read 'Kiss me, I'm $4,000.'" --David Letterman

"And then, of course, more news on the Spitzer scandal. It was reported today that the prostitute in the Eliot Spitzer scandal also had sex with Charlie Sheen. When asked about it, Sheen said, 'Hey, she's a prostitute, I'm Charlie Sheen, it was bound to happen'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton, hard at work campaigning today. That's right. Today, Hillary Clinton said that the war would end up costing $1 trillion. Hillary wasn't talking about Iraq. She was talking about her war with Barack Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"But President Bush is concerned about the economy. He admitted today that the economy is a little sluggish, a little sluggish right now. The same way Elvis is a little sluggish right now, too. Elvis can't come out, he's a little sluggish." --David Letterman

"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day down in Washington and, of course, President Bush was so confused. He comes out on the White House lawn and pardons the corned beef. " --David Letterman



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Old 29-04-2012, 06:56 PM   #306
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Judgement Day


George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in three days.

They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .

W. went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Putin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there is a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows Vista."

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Old 29-04-2012, 06:56 PM   #307
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Penguin Delivery Service


One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor.

He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.

An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me!"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"

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Old 29-04-2012, 06:57 PM   #308
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If Dr. Seuss Was a Technical Writer

If a packet hits a pocket
on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted
as a very last resort,

and the address of the memory
makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket
has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item
followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon
puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted
cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable
on the table at your house,
says the network is connected
to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected
by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted
by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window
are as wavy as a souse,

then you may as well reboot
and go out with a bang,
cause as sure as I'm a poet,
the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's
getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions
cause unnecessary risc,

Then you have to flash your memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer
and be sure to tell your mom!


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Old 29-04-2012, 06:57 PM   #309
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Cheap and nasty


After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $250.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $130.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $50.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap and nasty."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

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Old 29-04-2012, 06:57 PM   #310
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Burglarized


Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Jamie ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Incredulous, Jamie moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?"

"They send me a BLIND policeman!"

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