The Hitler Letters

[Dark Saint Alaick]

The Hitler Letters

Fake ? Unchallenged by historians !!

[Dark Saint Alaick]

INTRODUCTION


The discovery of this cache of correspondence, written by the fascist dictator, Adolf Hitler, has naturally caused a great deal of controversy throughout the world. Their provenance cannot be doubted as they were recently unearthed in Vienna in a tin box clearly marked,
‘Copies of my letters. A.H.’ That they are genuine is also verified by the fact that many eminent historians have failed to contest their validity.

These are not, of course the letters of the Fuhrer Hitler, but those of the peasant boy Hitler, who came to Vienna, ostensibly to study art, at the age of 18 and stayed there until the age of
24 in 1913 when the prospect of being called up to the Austrian army led him to to flee to Munich. Nevertheless, we can see from these documents the development of Hitler’s odious theories and also the maturation of the boy as his dreams of being an artist are crushed and
he has to find a means to survive and also fulfil what he believes to be his destiny.

It is this which has led us to publish these important historical documents and the thought of profiteering from this prolonged curiosity in Hitler has never crossed our mind. Not even in the slightest.

Some readers may cavil at the shoddy nature of the translation from the original German of the letters, but lack of finance has been our enemy in this case and we have spent all we could afford in training our expert translators up to a state of semi-literacy in their native Turkish, never mind German and English. Our best advice is to read the text in a cod German accent with a glass of schnapps to hand.

We have chosen to avoid censoring the letters in any way as we are not revisionists, but the documents themselves were in such a degraded state that it would have been impossible to deliver them ‘as is’. We have therefore had them retyped and reformatted to make them easier to read. It is unfortunate that the replies from Hitler’s correspondents have not been recovered as these would have given a clearer view of the world that formed him. There are also gaps in the correspondence which imply that Hitler did not keep copies of all of his letters. However, incomplete as this picture is, it will truly take you into the mind of the man who was Adolf Hitler, if only occasionally.

Professor Fritz von Bogus,
Dept of Spurious Studies University of Vienna

[Dark Saint Alaick]

TO: Heinrich & Sons (Master Bakers), Schwedenplatz, Vienna, Austria


DATE: 1st August 1908


Sirs,


The Black Forest gateau you delivered to me yesterday was not very sweet. I have a very sweet tooth and require my gateau to be extra sweet. I informed your sales assistant, Frau Bomler, of this when I visited to order my gateau. Is she incapable of taking orders? If she is an Austrian she is a member of the great Germanic race and should take orders willingly. If she is not Austrian be warned, I am keeping an eye on you and your deviant employment policies.

Yours sincerely,


A. Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Bert Schmidt, Branau am Inn, Austria


DATE: 8th August 1908


Berti, my old kamerad, how are you?


I am well. As you can see I am in Vienna now and I am proud to inform you that I am a great success. Everyone is clamouring for my paintings, even the ones of my feet which I did when I was laid up in bed with the flu and had nothing to inspire me.

I am careful not to let success go to my head, even when the frauleins ask me for a kiss and offer a quick glimpse of their underwear. I know that many great men have fallen by the wayside with their lust for petticoats and I do not intend to be one of them. I will save myself from such things until I am married and then perhaps for a few months more, just to make sure.

The food here in Vienna is tremendous and I am eating bratwurst every day, sometimes with a little Gruyere cheese, which you know used to be one of my favourites when I was a boy with you in Branau. Speaking of which, how are the other fellows doing? Has Hans got rid of that wart yet?

Incidentally, as it is now fairly assured that I will be a great artist and world famous I would appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about that night behind the pig-sty. It was only curiosity on my part and I’m sorry for biting.

If you can raise a few shillings come and visit me in Vienna and I will show you the sights. If you could bring my teddy bear I would appreciate it.

Your old kamerad,


Adi

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna TO: Kruger & Co (Cobblers), Tandelmarktg, Vienna DATE: 12th October 1908
Sirs,


While walking through the city yesterday I happened to notice in the window of your shop that you have an excellent selection of boots and shoes for which I congratulate you.

I am currently planning to walk to Peru as a means of protesting against the decline of the Austrian Empire and also to prove that Germanic men fear nothing in the way of marching. I wonder if you could provide me with some stout walking boots for this venture? I feel that this would be a wonderful way to publicise your company and its fine Germanic workmanship in the way of pedal accessories. I’m sure five or six pairs would be adequate. I am a size six.

Yours sincerely,


Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Fraulein Bertha Huss, Der Grossenhaus, Dammstrasse, Vienna


DATE: 18th October 1908


Dear Fraulein Bertha,


It was a great pleasure to meet you in the cafe yesterday and I am sorry that I disappointed you but I am not in the habit of showing off my chest to young frauleins whom I have just met. This does not mean that I am the sissy boy and indeed have many hairs upon my manly chest. Anyone who told you I have no hair on my chest is a liar. As I explained to you I am in Vienna to study art and will be a great success as I am hugely talented. It would be of great benefit to you to remain in my acquaintance and not cast aspersions on my chest.

Did you enjoy the gateau at the cafe? I thought it lacked sweetness. If you are available on Tuesday afternoon I would be pleased to buy you a slice to see if they have improved their recipe.

Your humble admirer,


Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna TO: Doktor Herman Steiff, 19 Wasnergasse, Vienna DATE: 18th October 1908
Dear Doktor,


I understand that you are a world renowned expert on chest hair and wondered if there had been any recent developments in this area. Is it normal for a man of 18 years of age not to have any hair on his chest,
though in every other respect he is extremely manly? Are there any preparations or tonics a chap could take, either internally or externally, to accelerate the growth of said chest hair? I am asking on behalf of a friend.

Yours sincerely,


Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Herr Wilhelm Raus, Der Raus Gallery of Modern Art, Vienna


DATE: 29th October 1908


Dear Herr Raus,


Thank you for your letter telling me that you have accepted my submission to be displayed at your prestigious gallery. I am greatly honoured and am pleased to give you an explanation of the work.

It is indeed a painting of feet sticking out from under a blanket. They are my own pedal extremities and I painted them while I was laid low in bed with the flu. You will appreciate my dedication to my art that I continued to paint even while laid low with illness and setting up the easel on my bed was not easy. I must confess that as the blinds were drawn I had no other inspiration apart from my feet but I feel I have done a good job in capturing their essential qualities.

I am surprised that you wish to re-title the piece. Admittedly my title, ‘The Sole of the Nation’, is slightly misleading as the painting is of the upper surfaces of my feet and not my soles, but I was applying a little artistic license. Your suggestion, ‘Gnarled & Filthy:The Feet of a Peasant’ is not acceptable unless you increase your offer of commission to 25% of any sum raised by sale of the piece. Please advise your clients that I am destined to be a great artist and any investment they make in my work now will gain them great prestige as well as being financially lucrative.

I am currently working on a painting of the inside of my nose but progress is slow as I have to constantly refer to the system of mirrors I have set up. Luckily I no longer have the flu. The painting will be titled
‘The Smell of Success’ and I will let you see it as soon as it is complete. With all good wishes,
Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna, Austria


TO: Heinrich & Sons (Master Bakers), Schwedenplatz, Vienna, Austria


DATE: 8th November 1908





Sirs,


I assume that you think it is amusing to enclose a 1 kg bag of sugar with the Black Forest gateau you delivered to me yesterday. What laughter must have resounded through your bakery as you mocked a poor artist who spends his last few shillings on one of his few vices. Please be assured that I am not amused and will report you to the authorities if further taunted.

I considered taking my business to your competitors, Mitzi’s, but the cake you sent me was actually quite acceptable, though a few more cherries would not have gone amiss.

Thank you for your assurance that Frau Bomler is an Austrian. One cannot be too careful in these matters. Yours sincerely,
A. Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna, Austria


TO: Herr Rudolf Hertz, Institute of Trichology, Vienna, Austria


DATE: 18th November 1908





Dear Sir,


I write to you as the acknowledged expert in facial hair in all of Austria. I am a young man who is considering growing some on my frontage and would appreciate your advice. I wish to appear more mature and exude authority, but I also have a frivolous side to my nature which I would like to display in the hope that it might attract the attentions of the ladies. I have considered a full beard but believe this would hide
my strong jaw line. A goatee is a possibility and might work well if paired with mutton-chop sideburns. This would frame my face very well. A moustache is also a possibility, but I am unsure of the dimensions I should aim for. A long, drooping one would seem to smack of the oriental, whereas a bristly one with upturned ends might make me look ostentatious and old-fashioned.

Any recommendations you could make would be warmly welcomed. Yours sincerely,
A. Hitler