Clean Jokes

[Rinu]

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

[suman]

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS? that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guy spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

[suman]

Modern Art Museum

Once, visiting the modern art museum an old lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This", she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No madam." replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

Bridge to Hawaii!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'...know how to make them truly happy.... "

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[suman]

The Dishwasher

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as coldwater can get them, so go on and finish your meal"

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog that was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"

The Devil

A woman was fed up of her husbands drinking habits. So one day she decided to dress up like a devil and frighten her husband. When the husband came home she jumped from behind the couch dressed as a devil and made horrible noises.

For a moment, he thought it was the real devil. But then he simply saw her with drunken eyes and said, "you don't frighten me anymore because I married your sister years ago."

[suman]

Manager & Engineer

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

[suman]

Lipstick On the Mirror

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [puportedly practicing the perfect pucker]. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxey lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated...

He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

[suman]

Sue me…

Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.

'Can she cook like I can?' the distraught woman asked between sobs.
'Not on her best day,' he replied.

'Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?'
'No, she's broke.'
'Well, then, is it sex?'
'Nobody does it like you, babe.'
'Then what can she do that I can't?'
'...Sue me for child support.'

[suman]

Al's Barn

Al's barn burned down, and, Mary, his wife, called the insurance company.
Mary: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Now just a minute, Mary, it doesn't work quite like that.

We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Mary, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[suman]

Remembering the past

An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?" The old man grabs the old woman's hand.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?" The old man puts his arm around the old woman.

Then she says, "Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?" To the old woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are you going?" she says. The old man replies, "I'm going to get my dentures."

[suman]

Blonde wife

A man and his blonde wife live in Chicago. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.

"Jay's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.

"Jay's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park..." when the power goes off. Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?