सर्वश्रेष्ठ चुटकुलों का संग्रह

[dipu]

1. A man & a woman who never met before, find themselves on upper & lower berth of a long distance train.
At 2 am, Man leans over saying,"Madam, sorry to bother you, Would you be kind enough to give me a 2nd blanket from the side table. Its awfully cold."
"I have a better idea", she replied, "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we are married !”
"Great idea Madam.". He replied in excitement.

She says,"Well then Get up & Take it yourself."

***
2. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

***
3. Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

***
4. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

***
5. This is the reason you find Indians in Finance, Business, Medicine, Engineering, IT ....anything to do with using your brain.

Mathematician: How to write 4 in between 5?

China: Is this a Joke?
Japan: Impossible!
America: The question's wrong.
UK: Not found on Internet.

India: F(IV)E
This is a Indian Brain.

***
6. Power of Mathematics
One day a box wasn’t opening.
Lawyer came, applied all laws but it didn’t open
Chemist came, applied all reactions but it didn’t open
Physician came, applied all forces but no change
Even the biologist failed
mathematician came & said
.
.
.
Let’s Suppose the Box is Open ....
***
7. Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"hi darling", he says, "your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you have said hello to them."
***
8. A man found ALLADIN'S CHIRAG.
He rubbed it and a Jinn came out, he asked Jinn to increase his Wife's brain by ten times.
Jinn laughed and said, "multiplication does not apply on ZERO."

***
9. A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
`What's the matter, dear?' she whispers.
The husband says`I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
`Yes, I do' she replies.
`Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car? Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, `Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
`I remember that ' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, `Had I gone in jail, I would have been released today.`
***
10. Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

***
11. Never laugh at your wife's choices
You are one of them
Never be proud of your choices
Your wife is one of them
***

12. A guy sitting with his girlfriend, drinking beer says, "I love you".
Girl asks "Is it you or the beer talking?".
Boy replies, "Its me. Talking to my beer."
***
13. Position of a husband is just like a Split AC…
No matter how loud he is outdoor,
He is designed to remain silent indoor!
***
14. Man: is there any medicine for long life?
Doctor: get married
man: will it help?
Doc: no, but it will avoid such thoughts.
***
15. Santa ke lips jale hue the
Banta: Kaise jale
Santa: Wife ko railway steation drop krne gaya tha.
Banta: To?
Santa: Khushi ke mare.
Train ke engine ko choom liya !
***
16. Wife on Mobile: kaha ho aap?
Pati: Tumhe wo jwellry shop yaad hai jaha tumhe 1 diamond ka set bahut pasand aya tha,
par mere pas paise nahi they.
aur maine wada kiya tha 1 din dilwaunga.
Wife: Khush hote huye.. Ha ha mjhe sab yaad hai.
Pati: Ha to usi shop ke baju wali shop pe baal katwa raha hu.
***
17. Gunehgaar kaun..??
PATI aur PATNI so rahe the.
Achaanak,
PATNI sapna dekh ke chillayi..
“bhago mera PATI aa gaya”
PATI utha aur khidki se kud gaya.
***
18. Nurse to patient with bleeding on head: Your name?
Patient: Pappu
Nurse: age?
Patient: 25 years
Nurse : Married?
Patient : No. No. Its Car accident!
***
19. An unmarried man wrote his status on facebook as:
“Wanted wife”
2 girls liked it.
And 10000 men commented
“Meri leja”
***
20. Wife pointing at a couple next door says to her husband:
Look at him he kisses her all the time, can’t u do that?
Husband : I tried but she slapped me.
***
21. From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, “One month after I die I want you to marry Samy.”
“Samy! But he is your enemy !” “Yes, I know that ! I’ve suffered all these years so let him suffer now.”
***
22. Doctor to patient's wife: “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
Husband asks wife after she comes out from Doctor's room: "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
***
23. Tips to reduce alcohol consumption
Before marriage, drink only on the days you are sad
After marriage, drink on only days when you are happy.
***
Set two

1. Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars
a. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
b. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
c. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
d. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
e. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
***
2. The cop came up to the man driving the car, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
***
3. BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"

WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."

BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
***
4. A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
***
5. A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
***
6. The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
***
7. My Dearest wife,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so much.

Yours always and truly,
husband.

P.S. Congratulations to you for winning the state lottery.
***
8. If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
***
9. As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
***
10. It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."
***
11. A man walking along a goa beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Mumbai so I can drive over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of something that would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, why she cries, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?”
***
12. A girl was yelling in the temple: “Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!”
One man inquired: “Why must you pray so, my child?”
Girl: “That’s what I’ve written in my answer sheet in the examination!”
***
13. Three businessmen take a walk. one says, “but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we’re all professionals, why don’t we hear each other out right-now?”
They agree that this is a good idea. The first one confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over bill customers as often as I can.”
The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my customers into buying illegal products from me.”
The third says, “No matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”
***
14. One employee told his boss, “Sir, Increase my salary, I got married recently.”
The boss replied, “The Company cannot compensate for the accidents occurred outside of the company.”
***
15. Two girls are talking about their future husband. One is telling that she will marry An archeologist. Second girl asked why?
She told, “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have.The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
***
16. A man was sitting near a dog. Another man appeared there and asked the first man Does your dog bites?
Man: No.
The second man sits and the dog bites him!
Second man angrily: “You said it does not bites!”
Man: “This is not my dog.”
***
17. Wife standing in front of a mirror and telling to her husband, “I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?”
Husband replied, “Your eyesight is still excellent.”
***
18. When the man came home, his wife was crying.
“Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.
“My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?” the man asked.
“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it.”
“And?”
At the end of the letter it was written:
PS. When you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.

[dipu]

1. A car dashed a very fat woman. The woman angrily said to car driver “You idiot! Can’t you take a turn and then go ahead?”
The driver said “You are right, I could have taken a turn, but I do not have so much petrol in my car!”
***
2. One man was beating his son. The neighbour said “Why are you beating him so badly?”
The man said “He has his exam result tomorrow. And I am leaving for another town tomorrow morning.”
***
3. The girl “Will you love me like this after marriage, too?”
The boy “yes, if your husband and my wife will permit.”
***
4. Teacher: Imagine you’re in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur is going to eat you. What would you do?
Boy: Easy, stop imagining …
***
5. Two ladies are fighting for a seat in a bus ..
Bus conductor: “The older one should sit here.”
Both looked at each other, and the seat remained empty.
***
6. A sms sent by a husband to his wife
“Hi Darling, I am just having my last peg and I will be home in 30 mins, If I do not come in 30 mins, please read this sms again.”
***
7. Mareez: “Mujhe ajeeb si bimari ho gayi hai. Jab meri biwi bolti hai to mujhe kuch bhi sunayi nahi deta.”
Hakim: “Mashaalla, Yeh bimari nahin, aap par Allah ki meherbani ho gayi hai.”
***
8. Ek aadmi train mein chadne laga to use aawaz sunai di “ Yeh train patri se utar jayegi.” Woh utar gaya aur kuch der baad train sachnush patri se utar gayi.
Phir who plane mein chadne laga to aawaz aayi “ Yeh plane crash ho jayega.” Woh utar gaya aur kuch der baad plane crash ho gaya.
Phir woh bus mein chadha to aawaz aayi “ Yeh bus ka accident ho jayega.”
Aadmi: Kaun hai?
Aawaz : main Aakshwaani hun.
Aadmi: (Gusee se) Jab meri shaadi ho rahi thi tab tumhara gala baith gaya tha kya?”
***
9. Why the TV is better than Internet?
a. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
b. You do not get "Error 404" message on TV.
c. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
d. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
e. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
f. You can't surf internet from a couch with a Pepsi in one hand and Potato chips in the other.
***
10. Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: In the accident, your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your shoes.
***
11. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why Doctor?
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the 3 O'clock movie.
***
12. One man asks the other “What’s there in your bag?”
The other man says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The First is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
***
13. Questions to Doctor with their Answers
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children are enough.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. My wife always talks non-sense, she is moody that sometimes irritates me.
A. So what's your question?
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. No if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kid will go in college.
***
14. Reasons why some men favor handguns over women:
a. You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're
on the road.
b. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.
c. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
d. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
***
15. A lady tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, “Why do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!”
Then the lady reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband hugging the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Oh, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
***
16. Husband and wife had a cold war for few days. However, to minimize the trouble husband asked the wife for a long drive along the country side. When the wife was looking towards some cows in the green field, he took the opportunity to make the situation lighter and asked the wife "Relative of yours?" The wife, breaking the silence instantly replied, "Yes, by marriage."
***
17. First man: “Some things happen, but we do not understand why. Yesterday, my wife gave birth to three sons, because I work for 3-M Company.”
Other man: “Oh no! That should not be the reason.”
First man: “I strongly believe that it the reason.”
Other man (in sad tone): “Then it is terrible for me. I work for 7-up.”
****
18. One evening, a young woman came home, rather sad. She told her mother, "My boyfriend proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. We will show him how wrong he is."
***
19. A Man in a book Store: “Do you have a book ‘Husband- the Master of Wife’?”
Sales girl: “Sir, Fantasy and Comic Sections are on the first floor.”
***
20. A Saree shop owner to his regular customer: “Sahab, Saree Bhabhiji ke liye chahiye Ya achhi si dikhaoo?”
***
21. Pakka Puneri Joke
First man: Are aaj mastpaiki party karuya.
Second man: Kaa re? kahi vishesh?
First man: Are shejari je rahtat na, tyana 5 lakhachi lottery lagliy.
Second man: Mhanun aapan party karayachi?
First man: Are tyanch ticket harwalay.
***
22. What a Married Man says after years of Marriage:-

My Marriage is made of Trust & Understanding,
She doesn't Trust me & I don't understand her…
***
23. Professor to student: platform 2 km lamba hai, aandhi jor se chal rahi hai, 60 km/hr. ki speed se aur ek train aai aur Karachi se Lahore ki taraf chali gai...
To sawal ye hai ke, "batao meri umar kitni hai.........??
Ek student kafi der baad bola: 42 saal hai. .
Professor: Good, lekin tumne kaise calculate kia......??
Student: Sir, hamare ghar ke paas ek admi rehta hai woh aadha pagal hai aur uski umar 21 saal hai..!!
***
24. Husband : aaj khane me kya banaogi?
Wife: wo jo aap kaho.
Husband : daal chawal bana lo
Wife : kal hi to khaye the
Husband : to sabzi roti bana lo
Wife : bachhe nahi khayenge
Husband : to choley puri bana lo
Wife : mujhe heavy lagta hai
Husband : andey aaloo bana lo
Wife : phir subah nashtey me kya khaoge?
Husband : parathey
Wife : raat ko parathey kaun khata hai ?
Husband : hotel se mangwa leta hoon
Wife : roj roj hotel ka nahi khana chahiye
Husband : dahi chawal
Wife : dahi nahi hai
Husband : muttor Kheema?
Wife : us me time lage ga pehle bolte to ho jata
Husband : maggi bana lo, Us me time nahi lagega
Wife : us se pet nahi bharega
Husband : phir ab kya banaogi?
Wife : "JO AAP KAHO"
***
25. A husband's version:
My wife is like "Terms & conditions" of a Website !

I never understand what she says but I always accept!!
***

[dipu]

संता और बंता को रात को एक गांव में रूकना था। एक घर का दरवाजा खटखटाए और बोले: क्या हम आप के घर रात को रूक सकते हैं।

अंदर से जवाब मिले: नहीं हमारे घर जवान बहू-बेटियां हैं।

2-3 घरों से यही जवाब मिला।

एक ओर घर में जाकर संता-बंता ने खुद ही पूछ लिया: क्या आपके घर में कोई जवान बहू बेटियां हैं?

जवाब मिला: क्यों?

संता-बंता: क्योंकि हमे रात काटनी हैं।

[dipu]

एक मुर्गी ने कौवे से शादी कर ली...यह सुनकर एक मुर्गा उसके पास गया और उससे पूछा...

मुर्गा -" मुझमें क्या कमी थी....?? हेंडसम हूँ...., गोरा हूँ....पूरे शहर मेरी आवाज का दीवाना है और सबसे बड़ी बात...."

मुर्गी -" सबसे बड़ी बात क्या....?? "

मुर्गा -" मैं तुम्हारी बिरादरी का हूँ...."

मुर्गी -" मैं तुम्हारे जज्वात की क़द्र करती हूँ....पर क्या करूं.....?? मजबूर थी..."

मुर्गा -" कैसी मजबूरी....?? "

मुर्गी -" घरवालों की फरमाइश थी कि दामाद एयर फ़ोर्स में होना चाहिए....."

[dipu]

एक आदमी बकरी लेकर बस में चढा।

कंडक्टर ने उसे धक्का मारकर नीचे उतार दिया।

आदमी बोला – “अगर साथ में लेडीज सवारी नहीं होती तो फिर तुझे बताता ….. !!!”

[dipu]

दो शराबी रात नै नहर के किनारे किनारे घरां जावें थे
एक का ध्यान नदी मैं चाँद की परछाई पै गया वो दूसरे नै बोल्या भाई यो के सोदा सै ?
दूसरा बोल्या यार यो चाँद सै,
दूसरा बोल्या यार चाला होग्या आपां इतणी ऊपर पहुचगे :d

[dipu]

संता ने कुकिंग प्रतियोगिता में हिस्सा लिया।

सभी प्रतियोगी कुछ न कुछ बना रहे थे…

संता खाली बर्तन में चम्मच घुमाने लगा...

जज ने पूछा : क्या बना रहे हो ?

संता : उल्लू..!!

[dipu]

बीवी: लड़कों का कॉमनसेंस बिलकुल जीरो होता है।

पति: क्यों?

बीवी: देखो ना जेंट्स टॉयलेट में लिख कर आएंगे "शालू आई लव यू"... अब क्या शालू वहां पढ़ने जाएगी? बेवकूफ लड़के।

[aksh]

Originally Posted by dipu

बीवी: लड़कों का कॉमनसेंस बिलकुल जीरो होता है।

पति: क्यों?

बीवी: देखो ना जेंट्स टॉयलेट में लिख कर आएंगे "शालू आई लव यू"... अब क्या शालू वहां पढ़ने जाएगी? बेवकूफ लड़के।

अगर शालू वहाँ पर नही जायेगी तो फिर इस बीबी को कैसे पता चला कि मर्द जेंट्स टोइलेट मे ऐसा लिख कर आते है..??:egyptian :

[dipu]

Originally Posted by aksh

अगर शालू वहाँ पर नही जायेगी तो फिर इस बीबी को कैसे पता चला कि मर्द जेंट्स टोइलेट मे ऐसा लिख कर आते है..??:egyptian :