Humour Unlimited

[anjaan]

Ice Cream Murder

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself"

[anjaan]

Signs That Things are Weird

- In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"

- On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."

- In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."

- Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

- On a North Carolina highway: "EAT -- 300 FEET"

- On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."

- On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."

- On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."

- In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."

- In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

- In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."

- In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."

- In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."

- In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."

- On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."

[anjaan]

Excuse Me!

The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.

- Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.

- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.

- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.

- Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

- Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.

- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.

[anjaan]

Give it Up

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

[anjaan]

The Saddest Story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I just realized that I left the room key in the car!"

[anjaan]

Rich Man in Heaven

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

[anjaan]

Puzzled

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.

"Look what I've don, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

"That's surely somethin', Willard. How long did it take you?"

"Only two weeks."

"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"

"Darn tootin'," Willard said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."

[anjaan]

Dumb Truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.

"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

[anjaan]

rishiJi's Name Plate


rishi's Friend: Yaar,
Last year the Name Plate Outside your House
Read rishi, B.A.
This year it Reads rishi, M.A.
When did you Finish your Masters Degree?



radhay: You don't understand.

Last year my wife died,

I put B.A. to indicate "Bachelor Again".

Then I took a second wife, So M.A. is "Married Again".

[anjaan]

Party at Santa"s House was running wd drinks and dance.

Main orchestra player asked the owener of orchesra- upto wat time we should carry on playing?


Owner- till 12pm, after that these sardar will dance even on sound of generator