Witticisms

internetpremi · 21-01-2014, 10:12 PM

Dorothy Parker, American poet, writer and satirist (1893-1967)
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“The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”

“I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.”

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.’”

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”
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internetpremi · 21-01-2014, 10:13 PM

Spike Milligan, comedian (1918-2002)

“A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.”

“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

“Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.”

“Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.”
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internetpremi · 21-01-2014, 10:13 PM

Sir Winston Churchill, statesman (1874-1965)

History will be kind to me: So said Sir Winston Churchill

“A joke is a very serious thing.”

“He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they’ve tried everything else.”
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internetpremi · 21-01-2014, 10:14 PM

WC Fields, American comedian (1880-1946)

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally”

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”

“Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.”

internetpremi · 21-01-2014, 10:15 PM

Bill Cosby, American comedian, aged 75

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”

“Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice.”

“Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.”

“Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.”

internetpremi · 21-01-2014, 10:15 PM

Nora Ephron, American film director (1941-2012)

“If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.”

“Beware of men who cry. It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own.”

“Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.”

“The Wonderbra is not a step forward for women. Nothing that hurts that much is a step forward for women.”

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”

internetpremi · 21-01-2014, 10:16 PM

Sir Noel Coward, playwright, composer, actor, director, singer (1899-1973)

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”

“I’m not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.”

“Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.”

“Never trust a man with short legs - his brains are too near his bottom.”

“He’s completely unspoiled by failure.”

internetpremi · 21-01-2014, 10:17 PM

Woody Allen, American writer and film director, aged 76

“In California, they don’t throw their garbage away - they turn it into TV shows.”

“My brain? it’s my second favorite organ.”

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

“Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.”

“There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
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internetpremi · 21-01-2014, 10:17 PM

Brian Clough, football manager (1935-2004)

“I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one.”

“The river Trent is lovely, I know because I have walked on it for 18 years.”

“They say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job.”
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internetpremi · 21-01-2014, 10:18 PM

Shirley Maclaine, American actress, aged 78

“The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.”

“Sex is hardly ever just about sex.”

“It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.”

“Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. It’s where all the fruit is.”

21-01-2014, 10:12 PM	#1
internetpremi Diligent Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: California / Bangalore Posts: 1,335 Rep Power: 46	Witticisms Dorothy Parker, American poet, writer and satirist (1893-1967) ======= “The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.” “I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.” “The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.’” “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” ===========

21-01-2014, 10:13 PM	#2
internetpremi Diligent Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: California / Bangalore Posts: 1,335 Rep Power: 46	Re: Witticisms Spike Milligan, comedian (1918-2002) “A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.” “Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” “Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.” “Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.” ==============

21-01-2014, 10:13 PM	#3
internetpremi Diligent Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: California / Bangalore Posts: 1,335 Rep Power: 46	Re: Witticisms Sir Winston Churchill, statesman (1874-1965) History will be kind to me: So said Sir Winston Churchill “A joke is a very serious thing.” “He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” “You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they’ve tried everything else.” =============

21-01-2014, 10:14 PM	#4
internetpremi Diligent Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: California / Bangalore Posts: 1,335 Rep Power: 46	Re: Witticisms WC Fields, American comedian (1880-1946) “Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” “I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally” “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” “Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.”

21-01-2014, 10:15 PM	#5
internetpremi Diligent Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: California / Bangalore Posts: 1,335 Rep Power: 46	Re: Witticisms Bill Cosby, American comedian, aged 75 “Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.” “Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice.” “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” “Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.”

21-01-2014, 10:15 PM	#6
internetpremi Diligent Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: California / Bangalore Posts: 1,335 Rep Power: 46	Re: Witticisms Nora Ephron, American film director (1941-2012) “If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.” “Beware of men who cry. It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own.” “Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.” “The Wonderbra is not a step forward for women. Nothing that hurts that much is a step forward for women.” “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”

21-01-2014, 10:16 PM	#7
internetpremi Diligent Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: California / Bangalore Posts: 1,335 Rep Power: 46	Re: Witticisms Sir Noel Coward, playwright, composer, actor, director, singer (1899-1973) “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” “I’m not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.” “Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.” “Never trust a man with short legs - his brains are too near his bottom.” “He’s completely unspoiled by failure.”

21-01-2014, 10:17 PM	#8
internetpremi Diligent Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: California / Bangalore Posts: 1,335 Rep Power: 46	Re: Witticisms Woody Allen, American writer and film director, aged 76 “In California, they don’t throw their garbage away - they turn it into TV shows.” “My brain? it’s my second favorite organ.” “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” “Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.” “There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.” ============

21-01-2014, 10:17 PM	#9
internetpremi Diligent Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: California / Bangalore Posts: 1,335 Rep Power: 46	Re: Witticisms Brian Clough, football manager (1935-2004) “I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one.” “The river Trent is lovely, I know because I have walked on it for 18 years.” “They say Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job.” =========

21-01-2014, 10:18 PM	#10
internetpremi Diligent Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: California / Bangalore Posts: 1,335 Rep Power: 46	Re: Witticisms Shirley Maclaine, American actress, aged 78 “The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.” “Sex is hardly ever just about sex.” “It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.” “Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. It’s where all the fruit is.”