The Best American Humorous Short Stories

[Dark Saint Alaick]

The Schoolmaster's Progress


By Caroline M.S. Kirkland (1801-1864)


[From The Gift for 1845, published late in 1844. Republished in the volume, Western Clearings (1845), by Caroline M.S. Kirkland]

[Dark Saint Alaick]

Master William Horner came to our village to school when he was about eighteen years
old: tall, lank, straight-sided, and straight-haired, with a mouth of the most puckered and
solemn kind. His figure and movements were those of a puppet cut out of shingle and
jerked by a string; and his address corresponded very well with his appearance. Never did
that prim mouth give way before a laugh. A faint and misty smile was the widest
departure from its propriety, and this unaccustomed disturbance made wrinkles in the flat, skinny cheeks like those in the surface of a lake, after the intrusion of a stone. Master Horner knew well what belonged to the pedagogical character, and that facial solemnity stood high on the list of indispensable qualifications. He had made up his mind before he left his father's house how he would look during the term. He had not planned any smiles (knowing that he must "board round"), and it was not for ordinary occurrences to alter his arrangements; so that when he was betrayed into a relaxation of the muscles, it was "in such a sort" as if he was putting his bread and butter in jeopardy.
Truly he had a grave time that first winter. The rod of power was new to him, and he felt
it his "duty" to use it more frequently than might have been thought necessary by those
upon whose sense the privilege had palled. Tears and sulky faces, and impotent fists
doubled fiercely when his back was turned, were the rewards of his conscientiousness;
and the boys--and girls too--were glad when working time came round again, and the
master went home to help his father on the farm.

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But with the autumn came Master Horner again, dropping among us as quietly as the faded leaves, and awakening at least as much serious reflection. Would he be as selfsacrificing as before, postponing his own ease and comfort to the public good, or would he have become more sedentary, and less fond of circumambulating the school-room with a switch over his shoulder? Many were fain to hope he might have learned to smoke during the summer, an accomplishment which would probably have moderated his energy not a little, and disposed him rather to reverie than to action. But here he was, and all the broader-chested and stouter-armed for his labors in the harvest-field.
Let it not be supposed that Master Horner was of a cruel and ogrish nature--a babe-eater-- a Herod--one who delighted in torturing the helpless. Such souls there may be, among those endowed with the awful control of the ferule, but they are rare in the fresh and natural regions we describe. It is, we believe, where young gentlemen are to be crammed for college, that the process of hardening heart and skin together goes on most
vigorously. Yet among the uneducated there is so high a respect for bodily strength, that it is necessary for the schoolmaster to show, first of all, that he possesses this inadmissible requisite for his place. The rest is more readily taken for granted. Brains he may have--a strong arm he must have: so he proves the more important claim first. We must therefore make all due allowance for Master Horner, who could not be expected to overtop his position so far as to discern at once the philosophy of teaching.

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He was sadly brow-beaten during his first term of service by a great broad-shouldered
lout of some eighteen years or so, who thought he needed a little more "schooling," but at
the same time felt quite competent to direct the manner and measure of his attempts.
"You'd ought to begin with large-hand, Joshuay," said Master Horner to this youth.
"What should I want coarse-hand for?" said the disciple, with great contempt; "coarsehand
won't never do me no good. I want a fine-hand copy."
The master looked at the infant giant, and did as he wished, but we say not with what
secret resolutions.
At another time, Master Horner, having had a hint from some one more knowing than
himself, proposed to his elder scholars to write after dictation, expatiating at the same
time quite floridly (the ideas having been supplied by the knowing friend), upon the
advantages likely to arise from this practice, and saying, among other things,
"It will help you, when you write letters, to spell the words good."
"Pooh!" said Joshua, "spellin' ain't nothin'; let them that finds the mistakes correct 'em.
I'm for every one's havin' a way of their own."
"How dared you be so saucy to the master?" asked one of the little boys, after school.
"Because I could lick him, easy," said the hopeful Joshua, who knew very well why the
master did not undertake him on the spot.

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Can we wonder that Master Horner determined to make his empire good as far as it went?
A new examination was required on the entrance into a second term, and, with whatever secret trepidation, the master was obliged to submit. Our law prescribes examinations, but forgets to provide for the competency of the examiners; so that few better farces offer than the course of question and answer on these occasions. We know not precisely what were Master Horner's trials; but we have heard of a sharp dispute between the inspectors whether a-n-g-e-l spelt angle or angel. Angle had it, and the school maintained that pronunciation ever after. Master Horner passed, and he was requested to draw up the certificate for the inspectors to sign, as one had left his spectacles at home, and the other had a bad cold, so that it was not convenient for either to write more than his name. Master Homer's exhibition of learning on this occasion did not reach us, but we know that it must have been considerable, since he stood the ordeal.
"What is orthography?" said an inspector once, in our presence.
The candidate writhed a good deal, studied the beams overhead and the chickens out of the window, and then replied, "It is so long since I learnt the first part of the spelling-book, that I can't justly answer that question. But if I could just look it over, I guess I could."

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Our schoolmaster entered upon his second term with new courage and invigorated
authority. Twice certified, who should dare doubt his competency? Even Joshua was
civil, and lesser louts of course obsequious; though the girls took more liberties, for they
feel even at that early age, that influence is stronger than strength.
Could a young schoolmaster think of feruling a girl with her hair in ringlets and a gold
ring on her finger? Impossible--and the immunity extended to all the little sisters and
cousins; and there were enough large girls to protect all the feminine part of the school.
With the boys Master Horner still had many a battle, and whether with a view to this, or
as an economical ruse, he never wore his coat in school, saying it was too warm. Perhaps
it was an astute attention to the prejudices of his employers, who love no man that does
not earn his living by the sweat of his brow. The shirt-sleeves gave the idea of a manuallabor school in one sense at least. It was evident that the master worked, and that afforded a probability that the scholars worked too.
Master Horner's success was most triumphant that winter. A year's growth had improved
his outward man exceedingly, filling out the limbs so that they did not remind you so
forcibly of a young colt's, and supplying the cheeks with the flesh and blood so necessary
where mustaches were not worn. Experience had given him a degree of confidence, and
confidence gave him power. In short, people said the master had waked up; and so he
had. He actually set about reading for improvement; and although at the end of the term
he could not quite make out from his historical studies which side Hannibal was on, yet
this is readily explained by the fact that he boarded round, and was obliged to read
generally by firelight, surrounded by ungoverned children.

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After this, Master Horner made his own bargain. When schooltime came round with the
following autumn, and the teacher presented himself for a third examination, such a test
was pronounced no longer necessary; and the district consented to engage him at the
astounding rate of sixteen dollars a month, with the understanding that he was to have a
fixed home, provided he was willing to allow a dollar a week for it. Master Horner
bethought him of the successive "killing-times," and consequent doughnuts of the twenty
families in which he had sojourned the years before, and consented to the exaction.
Behold our friend now as high as district teacher can ever hope to be--his scholarship
established, his home stationary and not revolving, and the good behavior of the
community insured by the fact that he, being of age, had now a farm to retire upon in case
of any disgust.
Master Horner was at once the preëminent beau of the neighborhood, spite of the
prejudice against learning. He brushed his hair straight up in front, and wore a sky-blue
ribbon for a guard to his silver watch, and walked as if the tall heels of his blunt boots
were egg-shells and not leather. Yet he was far from neglecting the duties of his place. He was beau only on Sundays and holidays; very schoolmaster the rest of the time.
It was at a "spelling-school" that Master Horner first met the educated eyes of Miss
Harriet Bangle, a young lady visiting the Engleharts in our neighborhood. She was from
one of the towns in Western New York, and had brought with her a variety of city airs
and graces somewhat caricatured, set off with year-old French fashions much travestied.
Whether she had been sent out to the new country to try, somewhat late, a rustic chance
for an establishment, or whether her company had been found rather trying at home, we
cannot say. The view which she was at some pains to make understood was, that her
friends had contrived this method of keeping her out of the way of a desperate lover
whose addresses were not acceptable to them.

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If it should seem surprising that so high-bred a visitor should be sojourning in the wild
woods, it must be remembered that more than one celebrated Englishman and not a few
distinguished Americans have farmer brothers in the western country, no whit less rustic
in their exterior and manner of life than the plainest of their neighbors. When these are
visited by their refined kinsfolk, we of the woods catch glimpses of the gay world, or
think we do.
That great medicine hath
With its tinct gilded--
many a vulgarism to the satisfaction of wiser heads than ours.
Miss Bangle's manner bespoke for her that high consideration which she felt to be her
due. Yet she condescended to be amused by the rustics and their awkward attempts at
gaiety and elegance; and, to say truth, few of the village merry-makings escaped her,
though she wore always the air of great superiority.
The spelling-school is one of the ordinary winter amusements in the country. It occurs
once in a fortnight, or so, and has power to draw out all the young people for miles round,
arrayed in their best clothes and their holiday behavior. When all is ready, umpires are
elected, and after these have taken the distinguished place usually occupied by the
teacher, the young people of the school choose the two best scholars to head the opposing classes. These leaders choose their followers from the mass, each calling a name in turn, until all the spellers are ranked on one side or the other, lining the sides of the room, and all standing. The schoolmaster, standing too, takes his spelling-book, and gives a placid yet awe-inspiring look along the ranks, remarking that he intends to be very impartial, and that he shall give out nothing that is not in the spelling-book. For the first half hour or so he chooses common and easy words, that the spirit of the evening may not be damped by the too early thinning of the classes. When a word is missed, the blunderer has to sit down, and be a spectator only for the rest of the evening. At certain intervals, some of the best speakers mount the platform, and "speak a piece," which is generally as declamatory as possible.

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The excitement of this scene is equal to that afforded by any city spectacle whatever; and
towards the close of the evening, when difficult and unusual words are chosen to
confound the small number who still keep the floor, it becomes scarcely less than painful.
When perhaps only one or two remain to be puzzled, the master, weary at last of his task,
though a favorite one, tries by tricks to put down those whom he cannot overcome in fair
fight. If among all the curious, useless, unheard-of words which may be picked out of the
spelling-book, he cannot find one which the scholars have not noticed, he gets the last
head down by some quip or catch. "Bay" will perhaps be the sound; one scholar spells it
"bey," another, "bay," while the master all the time means "ba," which comes within the
rule, being in the spelling-book.
It was on one of these occasions, as we have said, that Miss Bangle, having come to the
spelling-school to get materials for a letter to a female friend, first shone upon Mr.
Horner. She was excessively amused by his solemn air and puckered mouth, and set him
down at once as fair game. Yet she could not help becoming somewhat interested in the
spelling-school, and after it was over found she had not stored up half as many of the
schoolmaster's points as she intended, for the benefit of her correspondent.
In the evening's contest a young girl from some few miles' distance, Ellen Kingsbury, the
only child of a substantial farmer, had been the very last to sit down, after a prolonged
effort on the part of Mr. Horner to puzzle her, for the credit of his own school. She
blushed, and smiled, and blushed again, but spelt on, until Mr. Horner's cheeks were
crimson with excitement and some touch of shame that he should be baffled at his own
weapons. At length, either by accident or design, Ellen missed a word, and sinking into
her seat was numbered with the slain.

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In the laugh and talk which followed (for with the conclusion of the spelling, all form of a
public assembly vanishes), our schoolmaster said so many gallant things to his fair
enemy, and appeared so much animated by the excitement of the contest, that Miss
Bangle began to look upon him with rather more respect, and to feel somewhat indignant
that a little rustic like Ellen should absorb the entire attention of the only beau. She put
on, therefore, her most gracious aspect, and mingled in the circle; caused the
schoolmaster to be presented to her, and did her best to fascinate him by certain airs and
graces which she had found successful elsewhere. What game is too small for the closewoven net of a coquette?
Mr. Horner quitted not the fair Ellen until he had handed her into her father's sleigh; and
he then wended his way homewards, never thinking that he ought to have escorted Miss
Bangle to her uncle's, though she certainly waited a little while for his return.
We must not follow into particulars the subsequent intercourse of our schoolmaster with
the civilized young lady. All that concerns us is the result of Miss Bangle's benevolent
designs upon his heart. She tried most sincerely to find its vulnerable spot, meaning no
doubt to put Mr. Homer on his guard for the future; and she was unfeignedly surprised to
discover that her best efforts were of no avail. She concluded he must have taken a
counter-poison, and she was not slow in guessing its source. She had observed the
peculiar fire which lighted up his eyes in the presence of Ellen Kingsbury, and she
bethought her of a plan which would ensure her some amusement at the expense of these
impertinent rustics, though in a manner different somewhat from her original more
natural idea of simple coquetry.