The Best American Humorous Short Stories

[Dark Saint Alaick]

A letter was written to Master Horner, purporting to come from Ellen Kingsbury, worded
so artfully that the schoolmaster understood at once that it was intended to be a secret
communication, though its ostensible object was an inquiry about some ordinary affair.
This was laid in Mr. Horner's desk before he came to school, with an intimation that he
might leave an answer in a certain spot on the following morning. The bait took at once,
for Mr. Horner, honest and true himself, and much smitten with the fair Ellen, was too
happy to be circumspect. The answer was duly placed, and as duly carried to Miss Bangle
by her accomplice, Joe Englehart, an unlucky pickle who "was always for ill, never for
good," and who found no difficulty in obtaining the letter unwatched, since the master
was obliged to be in school at nine, and Joe could always linger a few minutes later. This
answer being opened and laughed at, Miss Bangle had only to contrive a rejoinder, which
being rather more particular in its tone than the original communication, led on yet again
the happy schoolmaster, who branched out into sentiment, "taffeta phrases, silken terms
precise," talked of hills and dales and rivulets, and the pleasures of friendship, and
concluded by entreating a continuance of the correspondence.
Another letter and another, every one more flattering and encouraging than the last,
almost turned the sober head of our poor master, and warmed up his heart so effectually
that he could scarcely attend to his business. The spelling-schools were remembered,
however, and Ellen Kingsbury made one of the merry company; but the latest letter had
not forgotten to caution Mr. Horner not to betray the intimacy; so that he was in honor
bound to restrict himself to the language of the eyes hard as it was to forbear the single
whisper for which he would have given his very dictionary. So, their meeting passed off
without the explanation which Miss Bangle began to fear would cut short her benevolent
amusement.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

The correspondence was resumed with renewed spirit, and carried on until Miss Bangle,
though not overburdened with sensitiveness, began to be a little alarmed for the
consequences of her malicious pleasantry. She perceived that she herself had turned
schoolmistress, and that Master Horner, instead of being merely her dupe, had become
her pupil too; for the style of his replies had been constantly improving and the earnest
and manly tone which he assumed promised any thing but the quiet, sheepish pocketing
of injury and insult, upon which she had counted. In truth, there was something deeper
than vanity in the feelings with which he regarded Ellen Kingsbury. The encouragement
which he supposed himself to have received, threw down the barrier which his extreme
bashfulness would have interposed between himself and any one who possessed charms
enough to attract him; and we must excuse him if, in such a case, he did not criticise the
mode of encouragement, but rather grasped eagerly the proffered good without a scruple,
or one which he would own to himself, as to the propriety with which it was tendered. He
was as much in love as a man can be, and the seriousness of real attachment gave both
grace and dignity to his once awkward diction.
The evident determination of Mr. Horner to come to the point of asking papa brought
Miss Bangle to a very awkward pass. She had expected to return home before matters had
proceeded so far, but being obliged to remain some time longer, she was equally afraid to
go on and to leave off, a dénouement being almost certain to ensue in either case. Things
stood thus when it was time to prepare for the grand exhibition which was to close the
winter's term.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

This is an affair of too much magnitude to be fully described in the small space yet
remaining in which to bring out our veracious history. It must be "slubber'd o'er in haste"-
-its important preliminaries left to the cold imagination of the reader--its fine spirit
perhaps evaporating for want of being embodied in words. We can only say that our
master, whose school-life was to close with the term, labored as man never before
labored in such a cause, resolute to trail a cloud of glory after him when he left us. Not a
candlestick nor a curtain that was attainable, either by coaxing or bribery, was left in the
village; even the only piano, that frail treasure, was wiled away and placed in one corner
of the rickety stage. The most splendid of all the pieces in the Columbian Orator, the
American Speaker, the----but we must not enumerate--in a word, the most astounding and
pathetic specimens of eloquence within ken of either teacher or scholars, had been
selected for the occasion; and several young ladies and gentlemen, whose academical
course had been happily concluded at an earlier period, either at our own institution or at
some other, had consented to lend themselves to the parts, and their choicest decorations
for the properties, of the dramatic portion of the entertainment.
Among these last was pretty Ellen Kingsbury, who had agreed to personate the Queen of
Scots, in the garden scene from Schiller's tragedy of Mary Stuart; and this circumstance
accidentally afforded Master Horner the opportunity he had so long desired, of seeing his fascinating correspondent without the presence of peering eyes. A dress-rehearsal
occupied the afternoon before the day of days, and the pathetic expostulations of the
lovely Mary--
Mine all doth hang--my life--my destiny--
Upon my words--upon the force of tears!--
aided by the long veil, and the emotion which sympathy brought into Ellen's
countenance, proved too much for the enforced prudence of Master Horner.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

When the rehearsal was over, and the heroes and heroines were to return
home, it was found that, by a stroke of witty invention not new in the country,
the harness of Mr. Kingsbury's horses had been cut in several places, his whip hidden,
his buffalo-skins spread on the ground, and the sleigh turned bottom upwards on them. This afforded an excuse for the master's borrowing a horse and sleigh of somebody,
and claiming the privilege of taking Miss Ellen home, while her father returned with
only Aunt Sally and a great bag of bran from the mill--companions about equally
interesting. Here, then, was the golden opportunity so long wished for!
Here was the power of ascertaining at once what is never quite certain until we
have heard it from warm, living lips, whose testimony is strengthened by glances in
which the whole soul speaks or--
seems to speak. The time was short, for the sleighing was but too fine; and Father
Kingsbury, having tied up his harness, and collected his scattered equipment, was driving
so close behind that there was no possibility of lingering for a moment. Yet many
moments were lost before Mr. Horner, very much in earnest, and all unhackneyed in
matters of this sort, could find a word in which to clothe his new-found feelings. The
horse seemed to fly--the distance was half past--and at length, in absolute despair of
anything better, he blurted out at once what he had determined to avoid--a direct
reference to the correspondence.
A game at cross-purposes ensued; exclamations and explanations, and denials and
apologies filled up the time which was to have made Master Horner so blest. The light
from Mr. Kingsbury's windows shone upon the path, and the whole result of this
conference so longed for, was a burst of tears from the perplexed and mortified Ellen,
who sprang from Mr. Horner's attempts to detain her, rushed into the house without
vouchsafing him a word of adieu, and left him standing, no bad personification of
Orpheus, after the last hopeless flitting of his Eurydice.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

"Won't you 'light, Master?" said Mr. Kingsbury.
"Yes--no--thank you--good evening," stammered poor Master Horner, so stupefied that
even Aunt Sally called him "a dummy."
The horse took the sleigh against the fence, going home, and threw out the master, who
scarcely recollected the accident; while to Ellen the issue of this unfortunate drive was a
sleepless night and so high a fever in the morning that our village doctor was called to
Mr. Kingsbury's before breakfast.
Poor Master Horner's distress may hardly be imagined. Disappointed, bewildered, cut to
the quick, yet as much in love as ever, he could only in bitter silence turn over in his
thoughts the issue of his cherished dream; now persuading himself that Ellen's denial was
the effect of a sudden bashfulness, now inveighing against the fickleness of the sex, as all
men do when they are angry with any one woman in particular. But his exhibition must
go on in spite of wretchedness; and he went about mechanically, talking of curtains and
candles, and music, and attitudes, and pauses, and emphasis, looking like a somnambulist
whose "eyes are open but their sense is shut," and often surprising those concerned by the
utter unfitness of his answers.
It was almost evening when Mr. Kingsbury, having discovered, through the intervention
of the Doctor and Aunt Sally the cause of Ellen's distress, made his appearance before the unhappy eyes of Master Horner, angry, solemn and determined; taking the schoolmaster apart, and requiring, an explanation of his treatment of his daughter. In vain did the perplexed lover ask for time to clear himself, declare his respect for Miss Ellen and his willingness to give every explanation which she might require; the father was not to be put off; and though excessively reluctant, Mr. Horner had no resource but to show the letters which alone could account for his strange discourse to Ellen. He unlocked his
desk, slowly and unwillingly, while the old man's impatience was such that he could
scarcely forbear thrusting in his own hand to snatch at the papers which were to explain
this vexatious mystery. What could equal the utter confusion of Master Horner and the
contemptuous anger of the father, when no letters were to be found! Mr. Kingsbury was
too passionate to listen to reason, or to reflect for one moment upon the irreproachable
good name of the schoolmaster. He went away in inexorable wrath; threatening every
practicable visitation of public and private justice upon the head of the offender, whom
he accused of having attempted to trick his daughter into an entanglement which should
result in his favor.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

A doleful exhibition was this last one of our thrice approved and most worthy teacher!
Stern necessity and the power of habit enabled him to go through with most of his part,
but where was the proud fire which had lighted up his eye on similar occasions before?
He sat as one of three judges before whom the unfortunate Robert Emmet was dragged in
his shirt-sleeves, by two fierce-looking officials; but the chief judge looked far more like a criminal than did the proper representative. He ought to have personated Othello, but was obliged to excuse himself from raving for "the handkerchief! the handkerchief!" on the rather anomalous plea of a bad cold. Mary Stuart being "i' the bond," was anxiously
expected by the impatient crowd, and it was with distress amounting to agony that the
master was obliged to announce, in person, the necessity of omitting that part of the
representation, on account of the illness of one of the young ladies.
Scarcely had the words been uttered, and the speaker hidden his burning face behind the
curtain, when Mr. Kingsbury started up in his place amid the throng, to give a public
recital of his grievance--no uncommon resort in the new country. He dashed at once to
the point; and before some friends who saw the utter impropriety of his proceeding could
persuade him to defer his vengeance, he had laid before the assembly--some three
hundred people, perhaps--his own statement of the case. He was got out at last, half
coaxed, half hustled; and the gentle public only half understanding what had been set
forth thus unexpectedly, made quite a pretty row of it. Some clamored loudly for the
conclusion of the exercises; others gave utterances in no particularly choice terms to a
variety of opinions as to the schoolmaster's proceedings, varying the note occasionally by shouting, "The letters! the letters! why don't you bring out the letters?"

[Dark Saint Alaick]

At length, by means of much rapping on the desk by the president of the evening, who
was fortunately a "popular" character, order was partially restored; and the favorite scene
from Miss More's dialogue of David and Goliath was announced as the closing piece.
The sight of little David in a white tunic edged with red tape, with a calico scrip and a
very primitive-looking sling; and a huge Goliath decorated with a militia belt and sword,
and a spear like a weaver's beam indeed, enchained everybody's attention. Even the
peccant schoolmaster and his pretended letters were forgotten, while the sapient Goliath,
every time that he raised the spear, in the energy of his declamation, to thump upon the
stage, picked away fragments of the low ceiling, which fell conspicuously on his great
shock of black hair. At last, with the crowning threat, up went the spear for an astounding
thump, and down came a large piece of the ceiling, and with it--a shower of letters.
The confusion that ensued beggars all description. A general scramble took place, and in
another moment twenty pairs of eyes, at least, were feasting on the choice phrases
lavished upon Mr. Horner. Miss Bangle had sat through the whole previous scene,
trembling for herself, although she had, as she supposed, guarded cunningly against
exposure. She had needed no prophet to tell her what must be the result of a tête-Ã*-tête
between Mr. Horner and Ellen; and the moment she saw them drive off together, she
induced her imp to seize the opportunity of abstracting the whole parcel of letters from
Mr. Horner's desk; which he did by means of a sort of skill which comes by nature to
such goblins; picking the lock by the aid of a crooked nail, as neatly as if he had been
born within the shadow of the Tombs.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

But magicians sometimes suffer severely from the malice with which they have
themselves inspired their familiars. Joe Englehart having been a convenient tool thus far
thought it quite time to torment Miss Bangle a little; so, having stolen the letters at her
bidding, he hid them on his own account, and no persuasions of hers could induce him to
reveal this important secret, which he chose to reserve as a rod in case she refused him
some intercession with his father, or some other accommodation, rendered necessary by
his mischievous habits.
He had concealed the precious parcels in the unfloored loft above the school-room, a
place accessible only by means of a small trap-door without staircase or ladder; and here
he meant to have kept them while it suited his purposes, but for the untimely intrusion of
the weaver's beam.
Miss Bangle had sat through all, as we have said, thinking the letters safe, yet vowing
vengeance against her confederate for not allowing her to secure them by a satisfactory
conflagration; and it was not until she heard her own name whispered through the crowd,
that she was awakened to her true situation. The sagacity of the low creatures whom she
had despised showed them at once that the letters must be hers, since her character had
been pretty shrewdly guessed, and the handwriting wore a more practised air than is usual
among females in the country. This was first taken for granted, and then spoken of as an
acknowledged fact.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

The assembly moved like the heavings of a troubled sea. Everybody felt that this was
everybody's business. "Put her out!" was heard from more than one rough voice near the
door, and this was responded to by loud and angry murmurs from within.
Mr. Englehart, not waiting to inquire into the merits of the case in this scene of
confusion, hastened to get his family out as quietly and as quickly as possible, but groans
and hisses followed his niece as she hung half-fainting on his arm, quailing completely
beneath the instinctive indignation of the rustic public. As she passed out, a yell
resounded among the rude boys about the door, and she was lifted into a sleigh,
insensible from terror. She disappeared from that evening, and no one knew the time of
her final departure for "the east."
Mr. Kingsbury, who is a just man when he is not in a passion, made all the reparation in
his power for his harsh and ill-considered attack upon the master; and we believe that
functionary did not show any traits of implacability of character. At least he was seen, not
many days after, sitting peaceably at tea with Mr. Kingsbury, Aunt Sally, and Miss Ellen;
and he has since gone home to build a house upon his farm. And people do say, that after
a few months more, Ellen will not need Miss Bangle's intervention if she should see fit to correspond with the schoolmaster.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

The Watkinson Evening

By Eliza Leslie (1787-1858)

[From Godey's Lady's Book, December, 1846]



Mrs. Morland, a polished and accomplished woman, was the widow of a distinguished
senator from one of the western states, of which, also, her husband had twice filled the
office of governor. Her daughter having completed her education at the best boardingschool
in Philadelphia, and her son being about to graduate at Princeton, the mother had
planned with her children a tour to Niagara and the lakes, returning by way of Boston. On
leaving Philadelphia, Mrs. Morland and the delighted Caroline stopped at Princeton to be
present at the annual commencement, and had the happiness of seeing their beloved
Edward receive his diploma as bachelor of arts; after hearing him deliver, with great
applause, an oration on the beauties of the American character. College youths are very
prone to treat on subjects that imply great experience of the world. But Edward Morland
was full of kind feeling for everything and everybody; and his views of life had hitherto
been tinted with a perpetual rose-color.