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Old 27-01-2015, 11:32 PM   #1
Deep_
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Thumbs up कुछ ओर!

यह मेरी प्रथम रचना है....फोरम के सभी मित्रो के लिए!

मन हमारा जो भी कहे, मानसीकता कुछ ओर है।
कहेने का सच ओर, वास्तविकता कुछ ओर है।

मीलना भी जब चाहा, एक बहाना तैयार था,
हम भी जानतें थे, यह व्यस्तता कुछ ओर है।

प्रतीक्षा है प्रतिक्षण, एक क्षण तो मीलोगे,
तुम मूर्खता भले मानो, यह मूर्खता कुछ ओर है।

ईस अकेलेपन को यादों से से भर दिया है,
वह सुनापन अलग था, यह रिक्तता कुछ ओर है।
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Old 13-02-2015, 06:42 PM   #2
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Default Re: कुछ ओर!

वाह वाह अति सुंदर
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Old 13-02-2015, 06:57 PM   #3
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Default Re: कुछ ओर!

धन्यवाद अनमोल जी!
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Old 14-02-2015, 12:36 AM   #4
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Default Re: कुछ ओर!

bahut sundar rachna hai, deep ji. kshama chahta hun pahle visit nahin kar paaya. mera anurodh hai ki aap apni anya rachnaayen bhi hamse sheyar karen.
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Old 02-03-2015, 07:13 PM   #5
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बीती बातें दोहराई जाए,
सूखी आंखे रुलाई जए ।

आती जाती है जो सांस सी,
यादें वो सारी भुलाई जाए ।

अब रोशनी की क्या जरुरत?
उमीद हर एक मिटाई जाए...

फिर कभी भी जल न पाए,
हर लौ...एसे बुझाई जाए।

उसके दिल पे बोझ न पड़े,
कुछ एसी चाल चलाई जाए...

मै ही बेवफा था आखिर,
यह बात उसको मनवाई जाए ।

कत्ल करने को काफी है,
पलकें गिराई जाए, उठाई जाए।

जहां आना जाना हो उनका,
लाश वहीं दफनाई जाए|


(दीप)
२.३.१५

Last edited by Deep_; 03-03-2015 at 08:43 PM.
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Old 03-03-2015, 06:05 PM   #6
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Default Re: कुछ ओर!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deep_ View Post

....
कत्ल करने को काफी है,
पलकें गिराई जाए, उठाई जाए।

जहां आना जाना हो उनका,
लाश वहीं दफनाई जाए|



(दीप)



ग़ज़ल के अंदाज़ में यह एक सुंदर रचना है. सभी शे'रों में भावों की तीव्र अभिव्यक्ति मिलती है. टाइप की कुछ त्रुटियों (सुखी = सूखी, लो = लौ आदि) के बावजूद रचना अच्छी बन पड़ी है. उक्त दो शे'र विशेष रूप से प्रभावित करते हैं. आपको बहुत बहुत धन्यवाद व शुभकामनाएं, दीप जी.
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Old 03-03-2015, 08:46 PM   #7
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Default Re: कुछ ओर!

बहुत धन्यवाद रजनीश जी। त्रुटीयां ठीक करवाने के लिए भी धन्यवाद!
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Old 04-03-2015, 11:39 PM   #8
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Default Re: कुछ ओर!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deep_ View Post


बीती बातें दोहराई जाए,
सूखी आंखे रुलाई जए ।

आती जाती है जो सांस सी,
यादें वो सारी भुलाई जाए ।

अब रोशनी की क्या जरुरत?
उमीद हर एक मिटाई जाए...

फिर कभी भी जल न पाए,
हर लौ...एसे बुझाई जाए।

उसके दिल पे बोझ न पड़े,
कुछ एसी चाल चलाई जाए...

मै ही बेवफा था आखिर,
यह बात उसको मनवाई जाए ।

कत्ल करने को काफी है,
पलकें गिराई जाए, उठाई जाए।

जहां आना जाना हो उनका,
लाश वहीं दफनाई जाए|


(दीप)
२.३.१५

दीप जी आपका ये सूत्र देखा तो आपकी पहली कविता "कुछ और" के लिये था जो कि बहुत ही प्रशन्सनीय है , लेकिन आपकी दूसरी रचना पढने के बाद मुझे समझ नहीं आ रहा कि किन शब्दों में आपकी तारीफ करूँ , आपकी ये दूसरी रचना वास्तव में बहुत बहुत ज्यादा अच्छी है ।
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Old 05-03-2015, 12:32 AM   #9
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Default Re: कुछ ओर!

very very nice deepji
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Old 05-03-2015, 03:58 PM   #10
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Default Re: कुछ ओर!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deep_ View Post
यह मेरी प्रथम रचना है....फोरम के सभी मित्रो के लिए!

मन हमारा जो भी कहे, मानसीकता कुछ ओर है।
कहेने का सच ओर, वास्तविकता कुछ ओर है।

मीलना भी जब चाहा, एक बहाना तैयार था,
हम भी जानतें थे, यह व्यस्तता कुछ ओर है।

प्रतीक्षा है प्रतिक्षण, एक क्षण तो मीलोगे,
तुम मूर्खता भले मानो, यह मूर्खता कुछ ओर है।

ईस अकेलेपन को यादों से से भर दिया है,
वह सुनापन अलग था, यह रिक्तता कुछ ओर है।
bahut achche deep ji ....
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