The Hitler Letters

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Herr Wilhelm Rohn, Austrian Artists Benevolent Society, 756 Staudgasse, Vienna


DATE:9th June 1909


Dear Herr Rohn,


I write to apply to you for relief as a struggling Austrian artist and in accordance with the constitution of your organisation which I believe was set up to offer aid to struggling artists like what I am. Here are my pertinent details. My name is Albert Hessler. I am 19 years old and I was born in Branau am Inn. I came to Vienna last year in the hopes of making a career as an artist, but have encountered some difficulties. My masterpiece, A Peasant’s Feet with Shadows, is currently on display at the gallery of Herr Wilhelm Raus,
and he has high hopes of raising a six figure sum from the sale of it. Unfortunately, I have no other means of subsistence apart from a small allowance from my mother and as I am overdue with my rent I am having to paint apartments for my landlord, Herr Georg Molson to pay off the arrears. This precludes me from doing any creative work so I can advance my career as an artist.

I would greatly appreciate any financial support you could give me while I work my way through my time of hardship.




Yours sincerely, Albert Hessler
PS - Please make cheques payable to my friend, Adolf Hitler


PPS - If you or any of your staff require your house painted please contact me. Reasonable rates.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Bert Schmidt, Branau am Inn, Austria


DATE: 8th August 1909


Berti, mein kamerad, How I envy you the peace and tranquility of Branau, while I must deal with the hustle and bustle of Vienna as I proceed to make my fortune.

I am doing exceedingly well here and my work adorns the walls of many fine apartments in Vienna. I am constantly being invited to parties and balls by the highest in society and becoming quite a whizz kid on the dance floor. A big change from the clumsy boy you knew who managed to trip up Big Helga, the milkmaid, at our village fete and ended up beneath her before she hit the ground. Oh, how I laughed!

I now have two motoring cars, a Mercedes and a Benz. Both have fine qualities but I cannot help but feel that an amalgamation of the two would make a perfectly exquisite vehicle. You might be surprised then, if you visited Vienna, to see me travelling about on a bicycle. This is by way of exercise as I am now working on my lower body strength. The tins of paint hanging from the handle-bars increase the weight and make
my legs work harder, you understand.


Where romance is concerned I have been trying to keep a low profile. There are many beautiful women in Vienna and they all seem intent on having their way with me. As you know I am a just man and it would seem unfair to give myself to just one and therefore disappoint the others. The ‘right’ one for me has yet to appear but when she does I am sure she will have a stunning bottom.

Take care of yourself and write to me when you have a minute. I may be busy beyond all comprehension what with my painting and my socialising but I always have time for my boyhood chums.

Your Branau Buddy,


Adi

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Fraulein Bertha Huss, Der Grossenhaus, Dammstrasse, Vienna


DATE: 18th October 1909


Dear Fraulein Bertha,


It is now exactly one year since I wrote to you and I note, with disappointment, that you have not replied to me. This is obviously because you have been busy advancing your career as a typist which you informed me about in the Cafe Berlin where we met. You have been constantly in my thoughts for the last 12 months
and I regret now that I did not agree to show you my chest on that occasion. You must appreciate that I was a callow youth, fresh from the provinces when we first met, but now I feel that a little of the sophistication
of Vienna has rubbed off on me and I am quite the debonair man-about-town.


With that in mind I wonder if you'd care to meet me again with a view to sampling the gateau we so much enjoyed, even though it was not as sweet we would have liked. I am perfectly willing to show you my chest now, especially as it is muscly due to intense exercise and also has three curly hairs upon it. In return I would ask only that you allow me to see your lovely, plump, bottom. I am not a greedy man by nature and one cheek would do. We would have to go somewhere private to pursue these intimacies and there is a graveyard nearby where I am sure we will not be disturbed. I would invite you to my apartment but it is being redecorated at the moment and is covered in paint.

If you are as infatuated with me as what I am with you please send me an undergarment as a token of your affection and I will know that you will meet me at 3pm on Thursday in the cafe. If you do not appear I shall be heartbroken. Also, if you have another admirer by now, especially if he is a largish chap, please do not show him this letter.

Your doting admirer,


Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, Vienna Central Prison TO: Bert Schmidt, Branau am Inn, Austria

DATE: 12th January 1909

Berti,


You may have read in the newspapers that a certain Adolf Hitler was arrested in the Bierkeller Franz last week. The report would have stated that this Adolf Hitler became intoxicated and attempted to ravish a barmaid, Fraulein Hildegard Jodl, because he claimed she had a beautiful large bottom. When his attentions were rebuffed he challenged everybody in the bar to a fight. This was refused as the only occupant of the establishment was 82 year old Frau Nina Brunner. Hitler then rampaged around the bar, smashing glasses and chewing the carpet. The polizei were called and when they arrived Hitler told them he had always admired men in uniform and invited them to dance. The officers refused his invitation and attempted to arrest the miscreant who attempted to hide under Frau Brunner's skirts. When dragged out he claimed to be the son of the Argentinian ambassador and demanded diplomatic immunity. The policemen ignored this plea and manacled him, at which point he burst into tears. He appeared in court the following day and was fined 50 shillings, which he was unable to pay. The magistrate therefore sentenced him to seven days.

Please assure everybody in Branau that I am NOT this Adolf Hitler. This is another Adolf Hitler entirely. This sounds like the actions of a man who is extremely sexually frustrated and cannot get a girlfriend, which I am not, as you know.

Your Brother from Branau, Adi

PS- I am only using the Prison's notepaper as I am visiting the wretch to assure myself that he was not using

my good name for financial gain.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Herr Wilhelm Raus, Der Raus Gallery of Modern Art, Vienna


DATE: 18th April 1909


Dear Herr Raus,


I must admit that I am disappointed but I am prepared to accept the offer of five shillings from Count Von Hillerfor my masterwork, 'A Peasant's Feet with Shadows'. It seems a paltry sum for the time, effort and genius I have spent in creating it, but I will take your assurance that it is being purchased by one of the most distinguished and influential art collectors in Vienna and this will undoubtedly help me in the future. I will accede to Count Von Hiller's request that I visit his home to hang the Peasant's Feet painting to my own taste but as his home is on the other side of Vienna I must ask for one shilling in travelling expenses. Please inform him that I will be there on Friday evening. You ask that I be 'pleasant' to the Count. Please be assured that I am pleasant to everyone I meet and if Von Hiller can help me in my artistic career I will be as friendly as he wishes

I have not yet completed the Smell of Success due to other commitments, notably the huge amount of painting I am doing for my landlord. He is an admirer of my larger pieces, if I can put it that way. Also, my nose is once again slightly clogged up and the interior of it would not make a pleasant subject.

When can I have the money? Yours,
Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Herr Wilhelm Raus, Der Raus Gallery of Modern Art, Vienna


DATE: 27 April 1909


Dear Herr Raus,


I am outraged! Your Count Von Hiller is nothing but a rampant homosexualist. I visited his home in good faith to hang my painting in a suitable manner and when he plied me with wine I greatly appreciated it. However I did not appreciate his later attempts to kiss me, while calling me his sweetheart and trying to handle my manly parts. I am not the sissy boy.

I, of course, rebuffed his attempts on my virtue and attempted to escape his clutches but he pursued me like a man obsessed. He told me I was the most handsome peasant he had ever met and I must admit that I was flattered, but the thought of allowing him to perform abominable deeds upon my nether parts was abhorrent and so I summoned all my strength and escaped. If he tells you anything different, it is a lie. I did not chew his pillow and bellow with pleasure while urging him to ‘give it to me’.

I am no longer able to offer you my work for display. You may think I am cutting off my nose to spite my face but I have found a buyer for The Smell of Success privately.

Yours sincerely,


Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Dr Johann Hassler, The Surgery, 54 Degengasse, Vienna


DATE: 28th April 1909


Dear Dr Hassler,


I am unable to walk any great distance at the moment and will barely be able to make it to the postbox to send this to you. I write this while lying face down as I have suffered an injury to my nether parts. I believe it must have happened when I inadvertently sat down forcefully on a large cylindrical object which penetrated me and caused me great distress. Please send some suitable ointment to aid healing of bruised parts and also to relieve pain.

Yours sincerely,


Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Bert Schmidt, Branau am Inn, Austria


DATE: 12th June 1909


Dear Berti,


Wonderful news, I have a dedicated patron!


He is Count Leopold Von Hiller, a noted art collector. Can you imagine, little Adolf Hitler from Branau am

Inn with a Count for a patron?


He has told me that he will buy all of my work as I produce it, he is so convinced of my talent. All I have to do is go to his Chateau and hang the paintings myself which is no hardship as he keeps an excellent wine cellar and we always have a little party to celebrate how well I have hung.. Having the opportunity to hang my paintings as I wish is a blessing as only the artistic originator can truly know how his work should be displayed correctly.

I am in heaven and now feel that I have truly arrived in Viennese society.



Your Branau Buddy, Adolf

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 86 (b) Leipzigstrasse, Vienna


TO: Count Leopold Von Hiller, Chateau Hiller, Vienna


DATE: 12th December 1909


Dear Leo,


I am devastated to discover that you have been patronising other young artists. You told me that I was special and in your Chateau none was as well hung as I. Now I discover that you have also been hanging the work of talentless fools like Otto Brutte and Ignatius Pils.

I was led to believe that our connection meant something and our ‘special’ relationship would remain unique. But now I discover that not only are you hanging these fellows, but offering them wine as well. I know where that leads. Is your lust for art insatiable?

I am a firm believer in the adage that no man can serve two masters and I have been faithful to you in not offering what I have to other art collectors. It is in high demand, believe me, and only last Wednesday an elderly banker asked if he could come for a private viewing, but he was a Hebrew and I refused.

If you do not change your ways and an Aryan admirer comes along I shall fly. Be warned.



Your Artist, Adolf

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Anonymous


TO: Count Leopold Von Hiller, Chateau Hiller, Vienna


DATE: 26th December 1909


Dear Count Leopold,


You were foolish to inform me how much you were enjoying the works of Ignatius Pils as I am aware of what form your ‘enjoyment’ takes and how it is illegal under the Austrian Criminal Code.

I, therefore, followed Pils when he visited you and as I knew which room you would retire to for your

'enjoyment' I was at the window with several witnesses who both saw through a gap in the curtains and heard everything that transpired.

To prevent disclosure you will provide me with an apartment at your own cost for a period of two years. It will be suitably furnished and have good light for my work. I allow you one week to make the arrangements and preserve your reputation. Any recourse to the authorities will meet with immediate publicity of the
worst sort. Put the keys with a note of the address through my door. I will not contact you further and trust that you will do the same.




Anonymous