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Old 31-10-2013, 04:15 PM   #161
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Default Re: The Best American Humorous Short Stories

"And that were answer enough to hurt his feelin's. What you want to know where Matt
Pike's gone for, Marann?"

"I didn't care about knowing, ma, but I didn't like the way Sim talked."

"Look here, Marann. Look straight at me. You'll be mighty fur off your feet if you let
Matt Pike put things in your head that hain't no business a-bein' there, and special if you
find yourself a-wantin' to know where he's a-perambulatin' in his everlastin' meanderin's.
Not a cent has he paid for his board, and which your pa say he have a' understandin' with
him about allowin' for his absentees, which is all right enough, but which it's now goin'
on to three mont's, and what is comin' to us I need and I want. He ought, your pa ought to
let me bargain with Matt Pike, because he know he don't understan' figgers like Matt
Pike. He don't know exactly what the bargain were; for I've asked him, and he always
begins with a multiplyin' of words and never answers me."

On his next return from his travels Mr. Pike noticed a coldness in Mrs. Fluker's manner,
and this enhanced his praise of the house. The last week of the third month came. Mr.
Pike was often noticed, before and after meals, standing at the desk in the hotel office
(called in those times the bar-room) engaged in making calculations. The day before the
contract expired Mrs. Fluker, who had not indulged herself with a single holiday since
they had been in town, left Marann in charge of the house, and rode forth, spending part
of the day with Mrs. Marchman, Sim's mother. All were glad to see her, of course, and
she returned smartly, freshened by the visit. That night she had a talk with Marann, and
oh, how Marann did cry!

The very last day came. Like insurance policies, the contract was to expire at a certain
hour. Sim Marchman came just before dinner, to which he was sent for by Mrs. Fluker,
who had seen him as he rode into town.
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Old 31-10-2013, 04:16 PM   #162
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Default Re: The Best American Humorous Short Stories

"Hello, Sim," said Mr. Pike as he took his seat opposite him. "You here? What's the news
in the country? How's your health? How's crops?"

"Jest mod'rate, Mr. Pike. Got little business with you after dinner, ef you can spare time."

"All right. Got a little matter with Pink here first. 'Twon't take long. See you arfter
amejiant, Sim."

Never had the deputy been more gracious and witty. He talked and talked, outtalking
even Mr. Fluker; he was the only man in town who could do that. He winked at Marann
as he put questions to Sim, some of the words employed in which Sim had never heard
before. Yet Sim held up as well as he could, and after dinner followed Marann with some
little dignity into the parlor. They had not been there more than ten minutes when Mrs.
Fluker was heard to walk rapidly along the passage leading from the dining-room, to
enter her own chamber for only a moment, then to come out and rush to the parlor door
with the gig-whip in her hand. Such uncommon conduct in a woman like Mrs. Pink
Fluker of course needs explanation.

When all the other boarders had left the house, the deputy and Mr. Fluker having
repaired to the bar-room, the former said:

"Now, Pink, for our settlement, as you say your wife think we better have one. I'd 'a' been
willin' to let accounts keep on a-runnin', knowin' what a straightforrards sort o' man you
was. Your count, ef I ain't mistakened, is jes' thirty-three dollars, even money. Is that so,
or is it not?"

"That's it, to a dollar, Matt. Three times eleben make thirty-three, don't it?"
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Old 31-10-2013, 04:17 PM   #163
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Default Re: The Best American Humorous Short Stories

"It do, Pink, or eleben times three, jes' which you please. Now here's my count, on which
you'll see, Pink, that not nary cent have I charged for infloonce. I has infloonced a
consider'ble custom to this house, as you know, bo'din' and transion. But I done that out
o' my respects of you an' Missis Fluker, an' your keepin' of a fa'r--I'll say, as I've said
freckwent, a very fa'r house. I let them infloonces go to friendship, ef you'll take it so.
Will you, Pink Fluker?"

"Cert'nly, Matt, an' I'm a thousand times obleeged to you, an'--"

"Say no more, Pink, on that p'int o' view. Ef I like a man, I know how to treat him. Now
as to the p'ints o' absentees, my business as dep'ty sheriff has took me away from this
inconsider'ble town freckwent, hain't it?"

"It have, Matt, er somethin' else, more'n I were a expectin', an'--"

"Jes' so. But a public officer, Pink, when jooty call on him to go, he got to go; in fack he
got to goth, as the Scripture say, ain't that so?"

"I s'pose so, Matt, by good rights, a--a official speakin'."

Mr. Fluker felt that he was becoming a little confused.

"Jes' so. Now, Pink, I were to have credics for my absentees 'cordin' to transion an'
single-meal bo'ders an' sleepers; ain't that so?"

"I--I--somethin' o' that sort, Matt," he answered vaguely.
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Old 31-10-2013, 04:18 PM   #164
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Default Re: The Best American Humorous Short Stories

"Jes' so. Now look here," drawing from his pocket a paper. "Itom one. Twenty-eight
dinners at half a dollar makes fourteen dollars, don't it? Jes' so. Twenty-five breakfasts at
a quarter makes six an' a quarter, which make dinners an' breakfasts twenty an' a quarter.
Foller me up, as I go up, Pink. Twenty-five suppers at a quarter makes six an' a quarter,
an' which them added to the twenty an' a quarter makes them twenty-six an' a half. Foller,
Pink, an' if you ketch me in any mistakes in the kyarin' an' addin', p'int it out. Twenty-two
an' a half beds--an' I say half, Pink, because you 'member one night when them A'gusty
lawyers got here 'bout midnight on their way to co't, rather'n have you too bad cramped, I
ris to make way for two of 'em; yit as I had one good nap, I didn't think I ought to put that
down but for half. Them makes five dollars half an' seb'n pence, an' which kyar'd on to
the t'other twenty-six an' a half, fetches the whole cabool to jes' thirty-two dollars an'
seb'n pence. But I made up my mind I'd fling out that seb'n pence, an' jes' call it a dollar
even money, an' which here's the solid silver."

In spite of the rapidity with which this enumeration of counter-charges was made, Mr.
Fluker commenced perspiring at the first item, and when the balance was announced his
face was covered with huge drops.

It was at this juncture that Mrs. Fluker, who, well knowing her husband's unfamiliarity
with complicated accounts, had felt her duty to be listening near the bar-room door, left,
and quickly afterwards appeared before Marann and Sim as I have represented.
"You think Matt Pike ain't tryin' to settle with your pa with a dollar? I'm goin' to make
him keep his dollar, an' I'm goin' to give him somethin' to go 'long with it."

"The good Lord have mercy upon us!" exclaimed Marann, springing up and catching
hold of her mother's skirts, as she began her advance towards the bar-room.

"Oh, ma! for the Lord's sake!--Sim, Sim, Sim, if you care anything
for me in this wide world, don't let ma go into that room!"
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Old 31-10-2013, 04:21 PM   #165
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Default Re: The Best American Humorous Short Stories

"Missis Fluker," said Sim, rising instantly, "wait jest two minutes till I see Mr. Pike on
some pressin' business; I won't keep you over two minutes a-waitin'."

He took her, set her down in a chair trembling, looked at her a moment as she began to
weep, then, going out and closing the door, strode rapidly to the bar-room.

"Let me help you settle your board-bill, Mr. Pike, by payin' you a little one I owe you."

Doubling his fist, he struck out with a blow that felled the deputy to the floor. Then
catching him by his heels, he dragged him out of the house into the street. Lifting his foot
above his face, he said:

"You stir till I tell you, an' I'll stomp your nose down even with the balance of your mean
face. 'Tain't exactly my business how you cheated Mr. Fluker, though, 'pon my soul, I
never knowed a trifliner, lowdowner trick. But I owed you myself for your talkin' 'bout
and your lyin' 'bout me, and now I've paid you; an' ef you only knowed it, I've saved you
from a gig-whippin'. Now you may git up."
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Old 31-10-2013, 04:21 PM   #166
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Default Re: The Best American Humorous Short Stories

"Here's his dollar, Sim," said Mr. Fluker, throwing it out of the window. "Nervy say
make him take it."

The vanquished, not daring to refuse, pocketed the coin, and slunk away amid the jeers of
a score of villagers who had been drawn to the scene.

In all human probability the late omission of the shaking of Sim's and Marann's hands
was compensated at their parting that afternoon. I am more confident on this point
because at the end of the year those hands were joined inseparably by the preacher. But
this was when they had all gone back to their old home; for if Mr. Fluker did not become
fully convinced that his mathematical education was not advanced quite enough for all
the exigencies of hotel-keeping, his wife declared that she had had enough of it, and that
she and Marann were going home. Mr. Fluker may be said, therefore, to have followed,
rather than led, his family on the return.

As for the deputy, finding that if he did not leave it voluntarily he would be drummed out
of the village, he departed, whither I do not remember if anybody ever knew.
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दूसरों से ऐसा व्यवहार कतई मत करो, जैसा तुम स्वयं से किया जाना पसंद नहीं करोगे ! - प्रभु यीशु
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Old 26-11-2013, 08:33 AM   #167
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Default Re: The Best American Humorous Short Stories

I noticed this thread today only, while digging back into the forum's previous posts.
Thanks to Dark St Alaick for the trouble he has taken.
I am copying this to my Kindle reader to read offline later.
Regards
GV
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