गुदगुदाते, चुटीले और मजेदार चुटकुले (Jokes)

[aspundir]

आठ-दस साल के एक लड़का-लड़की आपस में बातचीत कर रहे थे.
लड़का - “अच्छा बताओ, बड़ी होकर क्या करोगी … ?”

लड़की - “शादी … और क्या ?”
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लड़का – “ये गलत बात है …. अभी से किसी का बुरा नहीं सोचते !!!”

[aspundir]

एक सेल्समन वैक्यूम क्लीनर बेचने एक घर पहुंचा, जहां एक महिला ने दरवाजा खोला...

महिला: जी, कहिए...
सेल्समन: मैडम, मैं एक बढ़िया वैक्यूम क्लीनर लाया हूं, जो आपके देखते ही देखते सब गंदगी साफ कर देगा।
महिला: अच्छा, दिखाओ तो जरा...

सेल्समन ने अपने बैग में से एक थैली निकाली, जिसमें गाय का गोबर था और उसे जमीन पर डाल दिया।
महिला: अरे, यह क्या कर रहे हो?
सेल्समन: घबराइए मत मैडम! अगर मैंने अगले 3 मिनटों में इस वैक्यूम क्लीनर से इस गोबर का नामोनिशान नहीं मिटाया, तो मैं यह पूरा गोबर खा लूंगा!
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महिला: सॉस के साथ खाओगे या ऐसे ही?
सेल्समन: ऐसे क्यों पूछ रही हैं आप?
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महिला: 3 मिनट तो छोड़ो, आज दिनभर के लिए हमारे पूरे इलाके की लाइट बंद है!

[aspundir]

नई-नई शादी के बाद पत्नी बोली: सिगरेट पीना छोड़ दो, उससे दुर्गन्ध आती है!
पति ने सिगरेट पीना छोड़ दिया।

कुछ महीनों बाद पत्नी बोली: शराब पीना छोड़ दो, लीवर खराब हो जाएगा!
पति ने शराब भी छोड़ दी।

दो साल बाद पत्नी बोली: गाड़ी धीरे चलाया करो! क्यों जान जोखिम में डालते हो?
पति ने गाड़ी धीरे चलाना शुरू कर दिया।

फिर तीन साल बाद पत्नी बोली: आप बाल साइड से बनाया करो, ज्यादा हैंडसम दिखोगे!
पति ने वैसे ही बाल बनाने शुरू कर दिए।

फिर पांच साल बाद पत्नी बोली: आप पर पीला, सफेद और हरा रंग बिल्कुल नहीं फबता!
पति ने इन रंगों के कपड़े भी पहनने छोड़ दिए...

फिर कुछ महीनों बाद एक दिन पत्नी बोली...
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अब आप पहले जैसे नहीं रहे, बिल्कुल बदल गए हो!

[aspundir]

एक महिला एक बच्चे को गोद में उठाये हुए बस में चढ़ी।

बस ड्राईवर ने उसके बच्चे कि तरफ देखा और कहा, "मैंने ऐसा बदसूरत बच्चा आज तक नहीं देखा।"

महिला ने कन्डक्टर को किराया पकड़ाया और पीछे जाकर सीट पर बैठ गयी।

उसे ड्राईवर की बात का बुरा लगा था, इसलिए वह थोड़ी उदास सी थी।

उसके साथ बैठे आदमी ने पूछ लिया कि, "बहनजी क्या बात है? आप कुछ परेशान लग रही है।"

महिला ने कहा, "अभी अभी ड्राईवर ने मेरी बेइज्जती की है।"

उस आदमी ने उसे सहानुभूति देते हुए कहा, "क्यों? वह तो जानता का नौकर है उसे इस प्रकार यात्रियों की बेइज्जती नहीं करनी चाहिए।"

महिला ने कहा, "आप ठीक कहते हैं, मुझे लगता है कि मुझे उसकी बदतमीजी का जवाब दे देना चाहिए जिससे मेरे मन को शांति मिले।"

उस आदमी ने कहा, "ये बहुत अच्छी बात कही आपने, आप जाईये और.......... इस बंदर को मुझे दीजिये।"

[aspundir]

एक भिखारी एक घर में भीख मांगने गया। एक छोटे-से बच्चे ने दरवाजा खोला...

भिखारी: भगवान के नाम पर कुछ दे दे बाबा।
बच्चा: मैं बाबा नहीं बेटा हूं।

भिखारी: भगवान के नाम पर कुछ दे दे बेटा।
बच्चा: मेरा नाम पप्पू है।

भिखारी: भगवान के नाम पर कुछ दे दे पप्पू बेटा।
बच्चा: मेरा पूरा नाम पप्पू राठौर है।

भिखारी: भगवान के नाम पर कुछ दे दे पप्पू राठौर बेटा...
बच्चा: यह हुई न बात! आगे बढ़ो बाबा, घर पर कोई नहीं है।

[aspundir]

एक कंजूस आदमी के घर मेहमान आया.
कंजूस – “भाईसाहब, ठंडा लेंगे या गरम ?”
मेहमान – “ठंडा…”

कंजूस – “जूस या कोल्डड्रिंक ?”
मेहमान – “कोल्ड ड्रिंक ले लूँगा .”
कंजूस – “स्टील के गिलास में लेंगे या कांच के गिलास में … ?”
मेहमान – “कांच के गिलास में ले आओ …”
कंजूस – “प्लेन या डिजाइन वाला ?”
मेहमान (परेशान होते हुए ) – “अरे यार, डिजाइन वाले में ही ले आओ … !”
कंजूस – “ओके, कौनसी डिजाइन पसंद है ? लाइनों वाली या फूलों वाली ?”
मेहमान – “फूलों वाली.”
कंजूस – “कौनसे फूल ? गुलाब के या चमेली के ?”
मेहमान – “गुलाब के.”
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कंजूस (अपनी बीवी से) – “लाजो, ज़रा देख तो गुलाब के फूलों की डिजाइन वाला गिलास अपने घर में है या नहीं ?”
बीवी – “नहीं है जी …”
कंजूस – “ओ त्तेरी ! नहीं है ? …. चल फिर कोल्ड ड्रिंक रहने दे … भाईसाहब को मजा नहीं आएगा…. !!!”

[aspundir]

एक बार संता एक कपडे दुकान में गया और दुकानदार से बोला, "भाई साहब क्या आप औरतों के कपडे भी रखते हैं?"

दुकानदार: जी हाँ, कहिये।

संता: तो मुझे एक लेडीज सूट दिखाइये।

संता की बात सुन दुकानदार ने उसे बड़े गौर से देखा और बोला, "बीवी के लिए चाहिए या कोई अच्छा वाला दिखाऊ?"

[aspundir]

Bank manager: Yeh signature kiska kai?

@@@@22

Santa : Meri dadi ji ka

Manager: Yeh kaisa signature hai, kya naam hai unka?

Santa : Jalebi Bai

[internetpremi]

I am forwarding a very amusing email I received recently from a friend. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did.
Regards
GV
=============


Dr. Kishore Shah is a renowned gynaecologist practicing in
Pune. He is a prolific writer. Humor is his forte. The following article is in his own words about MI he had suffered few days back.

I suffered a heart attack about 5 days ago.
Here is my account of what happened:

As I was rushed to the Cardiac ICU, I just had this sinking
feeling in my heart. Just like the one before you enter the Viva Voce hall
and see the most khadoos examiner in place, only worse.

The resident there was quite courteous, "Sir, How are you feeling?"

I looked at him groggily and whispered, "Just like Rakhi Sawant!"

He looked at me perplexed. I continued and said, "I feel an unnatural
weight on my chest."

The resident didn't know whether to send me off to the Psychiatry ward or
not. I said, "अरे बाबा ECG निकाल नहीं तो मैं निकल जाउँगा!"

The funniest part of my heart attack, or "cardiac event" as the doctor
there insisted on calling it, was that there was no pain. That would come
afterwards when they presented me the bill.
But for now I was painless.

"Do you smoke?" persisted the resident.

"I have never tried burning myself, but probably would." My wife nudged me
and intervened, "He does not smoke or drink. Just keeps cracking these
pointless PJs."

The resident promptly scribbled something on the pad. He probably wrote
that the patient was delirious. After peering with screwed eyes at my ECG
he said, "Q wave changes."

I said, "I give up. You tell me."

"What?"

"I don't know Kyon wave changes. You tell me."

The resident stopped telling me anything else. He turned to my wife and
said, "It seems to be a minor infarct."

I don't know what it is with doctors. How can you call any heart infarct
minor? If there is an infarct, it is a major thing, at least for the
patient. There was also some depressing talk about ST depressions. Here I
felt as if an ST bus was driving over my chest, who bothered whether that
ST was depressed or happy?

I was immediately admitted to the ICCU and posted for an Angiography the
next day. One piece of advice to all Cardiac care units: If you do not want
your heart patients to have any further attacks, do not appoint such lovely
young nurses. Most of the nurses in the entire world are from Kerala. If
all the nurses return home, all the hospitals in the world will come to a
stop.And there will be no standing space in Kerala.

There were big notices posted outside the door of the ICCU. "No Visitors"
and no "No Mobiles" . Okay, so there would be no breaking news dispatches
from me. Soon a pretty, young Malyali nurse came and told me "गाना गानेका नहीं."

This came as a shock to me. Not that I wanted to break out into a song and
dance routine. I could understand that visitors might disturb the
patient,or even the mobiles. But songs? How could anyone be so unmusical? I
said Okay but was a bit miffed.

After many pricks and monitors on my body, half an hour later another
pretty young thing came and told me "गाना गानेका नहीं!"

I was a bit angry. I said, "Yeah! Yeah! Someone told me before also." But
this really intrigued me. Why were they so strict about songs? If they had
said that I could not dance due to my heart condition, I could have
accepted that. But never in my long medical education had I been warned
that singing was bad for cardiac health. I wondered if this was a new
advance.

The mystery was cleared when the next Malyali sister, who appeared to be
their head nurse, came and explained to me, "Doctor Shah, आपका blood samble सुबे सात को है. तो अबी गाना गानेका नहीं. फ़िर काली पेट samble लेने के बाद गाना गानेका."

I immediately added an interpreter to my mental suggestion box. It must be really tough to interpret Gaana as Khaana. But the Mallus can't help their accent.

After a relatively painless night, mainly because relatives were not allowed, and also due to the various drips and things, I woke up to the prick of a blood 'Samble&# 39;.

Then I was allowed to 'Gaana Gaaneko' .

All the tests gave worse and worse news. There was an inferior wall infarct which the Cardiologist insisted on calling minor. (I hoped he would remember this while billing me.) My Trop T as raised. In short, this was a help call from the heart. I was posted for angiography and an SOS plasty
the next day after sabilization.

On the morning of the procedure, I got the shock of my life, when a grim
looking man entered my room and sent my wife out. He then locked the room
and took out a large and sharp glistening razor. Omigosh!

This was not how they performed operations, at least not during the last century. Or was this a scene from an assassin movie? The man then turned to me and smiled and said that he had come to shave me for the procedure.

I sighed with relief. One always wants to look nice and presentable for important occasions even if they be the gallows. I smiled back at him and jutted out my chin at him for easy access. But he ignored my chin and pulled down my pajamas. I shrieked, "Hey, Its my heart that is amiss."

"Yes Sir. We need to shave your groin!" Groan Groan!

Five minutes later, I was all spick and span and presentable for my planned procedure. Calling it a procedure, reduces the fear factor from it. If you call it an operation, which it is, you might suffer a further attack. If you call it a butchery, which it sometimes can be, then you need not go to
the procedure. I proceeded with a sinking heart, if it could sink any more, to the operation room, which they call a cath lab. It's all about euphemism.

When I entered the 'Cath lab', I found it extremely cold. Was the AC at full blast or was I frightened or was my heart not pumping enough blood?

Probably all three. There was soft music playing hindi songs in the background. The nurse told me to remove all my clothes and lie down on a narrow table. I have already mentioned the weather conditions, so it did
not help that here I was completely nude like a fresh plucked chicken, lying on a table, with half my respective buttocks spilling out of the respective sides of the table.

The AC vent was directed towards the exact centre of my body. Now I regretted not taking all those ads on the internet about increasing the length of various body parts seriously. If I had, today I would have been a proud man. But sadly, as of now, I think the OT staff there will remember me whenever they eat dried dates.

The Hindi song playing was "हँसते गाते यहाँ से गुजर, दुनिया की तू पर्वाह न कर"
That was very kind of my namesake Kishoreda to remind me how to face this ordeal. But I was very frightened. His next verse also told me,

"मौत आनी है, आएगी एक दिन
जान जानी है, जाएगी एक दिन
ऐसी बातों से क्या घबराना
यहाँ कल क्या हो किसने जाना।

I almost burst out yodeling
along with him . OOdle di OOd le di Ooo oo.

The anesthetist approached me and saw me smiling. He was confused. Was this guy so frightened that he was smiling? How could I tell him that I was marveling at Kishoreda' s accurate advice to me, a smaller Kishore Kumar.

Then came the good part. Many layers of warm clothes were laid on me. I was shivering, but no longer like the Antarctica. It was more like Shimla now. The Cardiologist told me that I would now feel a little pain in my
groin. Most appropriately, the song playing now was "दिल है कहाँ और दर्द है कहाँ
I smiled and said, "Yes Boss. Go ahead."

I won't go into the gruesome details, but what was visible to me and the
entire team there was that my Right Coronary artery was nearly completely
blocked. The doctor said, "Yes, a stent will be required. Dr. Shah, should we insert an Endeavor drug eluting stent?"

I felt ashamed to admit to him that I didn't know a thing about stents. Being a Gynaecologist, I only knew about stunts. So I asked him, "What isthe difference between this one and the other one?" I didn't know the name of the other one, so I cloaked it in the anonymity of 'the other
one'. He said, "There are many differences, but the main one is in the price."

"Then I think you should ask my wife, because she is the one with the purse as well as the purse strings."

After a brief consultation, my wife decided that her husband was after all worth a bit more than this costly stent. But the effect was magical. In front of my eyes, I could see a withered autumn tree of heart vasculature suddenly burst out in full spring glory of new tributaries.

Thus I came out of the 'lab' a new and reborn man. It seemed as if I had thrown off my school shirt and worn a new comfy and roomy one. It was as if I had exchanged Adnan Sami's new shirt for his older ones. No more
tightness around the chest. The song playing in the lab when I came out was appropriately "आज मैं जवान हो गई हूँ। गुल से गुलिस्तान हो गई हूँ"

When I returned home from the hospital after paying the bill, I realized that the old proverb was probably coined by a cardiologist.

Which proverb?
It's the one that says:
जान बची तो लाखों पाए।

Thus my heart tried to spring me a surprise. So
I surprised it with a spring into my heart.
Now I walk with a spring in my step and one in my heart too!
====================

[aspundir]

ट्रैफिक पुलिसकर्मी ने एक बाइक सवार लड़के को सिग्नल तोड़ते हुए पकड़ा।

पुलिसकर्मी (चालान बुक निकालते हुए): चल, नाम बोल...
लड़का: गलती हो गई सर।

पुलिसकर्मी: नाम बोल नाम।
लड़का: माफ कर दो सर, दोबारा ऐसा नहीं करूंगा...

पुलिसकर्मी: कहा न तुझे, नाम बोल अपना!
लड़का: प्लीज सर, इस बार जाने दो, आगे से ध्यान रखूंगा!

पुलिसकर्मी: जल्दी नाम बोल, वरना...
लड़का: आदिमूलन करिकालन त्रिकुलावात्ती वेंकटेश्वर स्वामीनारायण...

लड़के को बीच में रोक कर पुलिसकर्मी चालान बुक बंद करते हुए बोला: चल अभी निकल और आगे से सिग्नल का ध्यान रखना!