Humour Unlimited - Page 28

anjaan · 29-04-2012, 01:43 PM

Moving

I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.

anjaan · 29-04-2012, 01:44 PM

Who's the Strongest

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”

anjaan · 29-04-2012, 01:44 PM

Deer Crossing

Ok, so I live in this semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no loger wanted them to cross there.

anjaan · 29-04-2012, 01:44 PM

Good reason

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

anjaan · 29-04-2012, 01:45 PM

Monster Valentine

Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?

Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.

Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

anjaan · 29-04-2012, 01:45 PM

Give the Lawyer a Hand

A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to hear the young lawyer out.

“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

anjaan · 29-04-2012, 01:45 PM

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

anjaan · 29-04-2012, 01:46 PM

Cletus the Builder

Cletus and Maynard were building a house together. Cletus was cutting the wood and Maynard was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; Maynardwould reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

Cletus, confused, watched him do this and after he could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the heck are you throwing some of the nails away?!”

“Whoa! Don’t yell!” Maynard explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”

Cletus became irate at this point and started to call Maynard all kinds of names, referencing how stupid he was and explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”

anjaan · 29-04-2012, 01:46 PM

Random Rants

Tatoos. Having a tattoo with Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to pass your English exam. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

Wal-Mart. I’m not the cashier! By the time I get done sliding my friggen' card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again… the kid who’s “supposed” to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Snickers bar. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on aisle four!

anjaan · 29-04-2012, 01:46 PM

A Bun in the Oven

A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “Im having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…

And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”

29-04-2012, 01:43 PM	#271
anjaan Special Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jhumri Tillaiya Posts: 2,429 Rep Power: 21	Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan Moving I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.

29-04-2012, 01:44 PM	#272
anjaan Special Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jhumri Tillaiya Posts: 2,429 Rep Power: 21	Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan Who's the Strongest A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.” John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”

29-04-2012, 01:44 PM	#273
anjaan Special Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jhumri Tillaiya Posts: 2,429 Rep Power: 21	Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan Deer Crossing Ok, so I live in this semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no loger wanted them to cross there.

29-04-2012, 01:44 PM	#274
anjaan Special Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jhumri Tillaiya Posts: 2,429 Rep Power: 21	Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan Good reason A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

29-04-2012, 01:45 PM	#275
anjaan Special Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jhumri Tillaiya Posts: 2,429 Rep Power: 21	Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan Monster Valentine Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's? Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you. Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

29-04-2012, 01:45 PM	#276
anjaan Special Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jhumri Tillaiya Posts: 2,429 Rep Power: 21	Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan Give the Lawyer a Hand A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to hear the young lawyer out. “While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

29-04-2012, 01:45 PM	#277
anjaan Special Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jhumri Tillaiya Posts: 2,429 Rep Power: 21	Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan Divorced Barbie A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant. In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.” The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?” “That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

29-04-2012, 01:46 PM	#278
anjaan Special Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jhumri Tillaiya Posts: 2,429 Rep Power: 21	Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan Cletus the Builder Cletus and Maynard were building a house together. Cletus was cutting the wood and Maynard was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; Maynardwould reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood. Cletus, confused, watched him do this and after he could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the heck are you throwing some of the nails away?!” “Whoa! Don’t yell!” Maynard explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!” Cletus became irate at this point and started to call Maynard all kinds of names, referencing how stupid he was and explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”

29-04-2012, 01:46 PM	#279
anjaan Special Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jhumri Tillaiya Posts: 2,429 Rep Power: 21	Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan Random Rants Tatoos. Having a tattoo with Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to pass your English exam. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high. Wal-Mart. I’m not the cashier! By the time I get done sliding my friggen' card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again… the kid who’s “supposed” to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Snickers bar. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on aisle four!

29-04-2012, 01:46 PM	#280
anjaan Special Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Jhumri Tillaiya Posts: 2,429 Rep Power: 21	Re: Humour Unlimited by Anjaan A Bun in the Oven A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?” She replied, “Im having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.” Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next… And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”