Humour Unlimited

[anjaan]

A manwas walking down the street when he sees a sign in a window of a travel agency that says "CRUISES - $100". He goes into the agenccy and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him into the river. Another man is walking down the street half-an-hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?"

The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

[anjaan]

Dinner Guest at the restaurant: "Waiter, is Palak Paneer may paneer diktha hi nahin!"

Waiter: "Jee Huzoor, woh tho bilkul theek hai, Kya apne kabhi Gulab Jamun mein gulab dekha hai?"

[anjaan]

A lady very worriedly rings up the vet.

Lady: "Doctor, my dog has just drunk two litres of petrol. He is going around very fast and crazily."

Vet: "Madam, there's nothing to worry. He will stop once the petrol gets exhausted."

[anjaan]

Snake's New Glasses

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

[anjaan]

Farm Humor

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow to pasture.

Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
Because it was always running out of the pen.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.

Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
He has got no beef.

[anjaan]

Revenge by Gunshot

A distraught young woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun.

She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he’s naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.

This angers her. Furious, she can no longer control her emotions. She opens her purse and pulls out the .38 handgun she bought earlier. As she takes aim, grief overcomes here and she points the gun at her own head.

“No, honey, don’t do it!” yells the boyfriend.

“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.”

[anjaan]

Nuns on a Freeway

A police man is driving down the road when all of the sudden the freeway starts to get backed up. Not long after, he finds himself stuck in traffic going about 20 miles an hour. So he drives up around the traffic to see what the problem was.

When he gets to the front, he sees 3 nuns driving in a car at about 20 miles an hour. So he pulls them over and lets the traffic get by. He then asks them "Do you know the speed limit."

They answer, "Yes" and they point towards the 22 freeway sign and say "We were going 22 miles per hour.

The policeman shakes his head and says, "No, that's the freeway sign... the speed limit sign is over there." And with that he points to the correct MPH sign.

"Ohhh..." said all of the nuns until the nun in the back starts cracking up.

"What's wrong" asks the police man...

The nun replies, "Well, you should have seen us yesterday on the 135!"

[anjaan]

Turn Off the Lights

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would suddenly turn off. Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt into a loud cheer. However, when the patrons saw the nun walk in, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

[anjaan]

The Tea Party

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

[anjaan]

Happy Old Man

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.