TOP 100 funniest one-liners on the internet!

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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

[bindujain]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"