The Hitler Letters

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 12 Stephansplatz, Vienna


TO: Membership Secretary, Austrian Nudist Society, Vienna


DATE: 18th November 1910


Dear Sir,


I wish to apply to apply to become a member of your illustrious society but have some questions which I

must ask before proceeding.


For instance - Is total nudity necessary from the outset? I ask because I am very susceptible to the cold, despite coming from sturdy peasant stock. Would it be permissible for me to become a member gradually? I mean that I would begin the process of becoming a nudist by first venturing outdoors without a scarf and
then an undershirt, following which I would discard my socks. Thus by divesting myself of individual items of clothing I would eventually become a fully fledged nudist, possibly in ten to twelve years.

It may well be that one of the benefits of joining your organisation is that it offers training in how to endure the cold and this would be very helpful as the reason I am joining is that I can no longer afford clothes.

If this is indeed true please send me an application form


Yours sincerely, Adolf Hitler
PS - Would you accept a painting of the inside of a nose in lieu of membership fees?

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 12 Stephansplatz, Vienna


TO: Herr Blauer, Principal, Vienna School of Architecture


DATE: 12th January 1911


Dear Sir,


I am stunned that you have rejected my application to study at your establishment. Of what use is a school leaving certificate when I provided you with so many examples of my genius? For instance, the spherical pyramid is inspired and could have saved those Egyptian fellows a great deal of trouble. And the five storey bungalow could solve the housing shortages in many parts of the world. But my masterwork must be in the design of bunkers where I believe myself to be unsurpassed. My bunkers are fit for a King or an Emperor. Once we have overcome the stigma of living in a hole in the ground it is plain sailing, and I would quite happily end my days in a well-constructed bunker.

Please reconsider your decision and I will design a personal bunker for you if you let me know what size of a family you have and if you require an unter-bunker for your servants.

Yours sincerely,


Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 12 Stephansplatz, Vienna


TO: Fraulein Bittmeyer, Principal, Vienna School of Oratory


DATE: 19th January 1911


Dear Fraulein,


I write to you to seek your guidance as I plan to speak in public soon. At the moment my voice is rather squeaky and tends to become more so as I proceed with my speech due to my extreme nervousness. Is there any method whereby I can have a strong manly voice which will gain me respect and admiration. A touch hypnotic would be useful too. In all other respects I am extremely manly but my voice lets me down and often leads to laughter amongst my audience. This is not the effect I wish to create. I have a strong political message, involving marching and racial purity, which I must get across to the proletariat, not a low
comedian who gains plaudits by making fart jokes. Yours sincerely,
Adolf Hitler

PS - If you help me I can return the favour by doing a portrait of a friend's feet for you. It would help if they were Chinese as I only have lentil soup.

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 12 Stephansplatz, Vienna TO: Bert Schmidt, Branau am Inn, Austria

DATE: 21st May 1911

Dear Berti,


I am pleased to learn that your knobbly knees were caused by a bicycling accident and are not due to Slavic forefathers.

Great news for me as I feel that very soon I will be married to the voluptuous Bertha Huss. She spends

many evenings sitting on my lap, which you can imagine is very invigorating for a man wearing abbreviated lederhosen. I have tickled her a few times and she seems to enjoy it, so things look good on the romantic front.

Career wise I am continuing my research into the racial aspects of marching and feel that a political movement based on these principles would be successful especially if we had attractive uniforms.

I see from the news that the English have a new king, George V. They have not been a world force, as far as I am concerned, since the death of Queen Victoria. There was a woman with a bottom. And common sense too, for did she not marry a German. She should have given us her Empire as a dowry and they wouldn’t have had all that trouble with the Boers who, after all, are only Dutchmen in sunnier climes.

If things develop with Bertha I shall of course send you an invitation. Your Branau Buddy,
Adolf

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, Ward 3, General Hospital, Vienna


TO: Bert Schmidt, Branau am Inn, Austria


DATE: 1st September 1911


Dear Berti,


I am heartbroken. Bertha has run away with another man. After all I did for her by introducing her to Frau Hussman so she could be a strumpet. I had high hopes that once she was my wife she would become an expensive harlot and charge many shillings for bouts of naughtiness with the aristocracy which would have allowed me to live a life of luxury. But she is gone and I am bereft.

It happened like this. I heard a rumour from one of the other trollops at Frau Hussman’s that my big, bouncy, Bertha was seeing another man behind my back. I decided to confront her and followed her to the Cafe Classique where, indeed, she was sitting with another man. He was a large swarthy fellow, but I was unfazed. My blood was up and I was seething. I marched over and confronted them. This was a mistake as the fellow was a heavyweight, champion, Serbian, wrestler. You know that I am extremely manly but I was outmatched and he beat me to a pulp. This is why this letter comes from the infirmary.

My wounds are healing but I think that my heart will be forever broken. And damn her for taking up with a Slav. I had no objection to her dallying with a fine Germanic specimen with impressive manly parts but to be naughty with a Slav is unseemly. There is talk of war with Serbia if they continue to agitate against the Empire and I am for it. We’ll see how his wrestling skills serve him when I have a bayonet in my hands and a cartridge in my chamber.

I am at my most dangerous, as you know dear Berti, when I am at my lowest and I warn the world that I will have my vengeance. A Hitler is not to be trifled with. And speaking of trifle, the food here is rather good especially the dessert, and dinner time is approaching, so I must take my leave of you.

Your Branau Buddy,


Adi

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 12 Stephansplatz, Vienna


TO: Master Hiro Tanaka, Jujitsu Academy, Vienna


DATE: 5th Octobber 1911


Dear Master Tanaka,


I understand that you are a master of the Japanese martial art of jujitsu which is capable of bringing grown men to their knees. Would it be suitable for defeating a heavyweight Serbian wrestler? I ask because I recently faced up to one of these brutes and he defeated me easily, but only because he was significantly larger than I. I gave of my best, with some quite violent shouting and ranting but had to desist when he punched me forcefully in the mouth. I understand that your methodology is to use the opponent’s superior weight and momentum against them and though I do not understand the physics involved, this would be
ideal as he outweighed me by at least 50 pounds. Having punched me in the mouth he wrapped me up like a pretzel and kicked me around the cafe where our encounter took place. It was most humiliating and I really do require a means of taking revenge without putting myself in the way of another sound thrashing.

I understand there is also another Japanese martial art called, I believe, karati, which involves striking one’s opponent with the side of the hand. It seems impractical as the knuckles would seem to be harder than the fleshy side of the hand, but if one could crack the skull of a Serbian with one blow, as I have seen suggested, I would be eager to learn this art also.

My financial position is precarious at the moment to say the least, but I assume that as an oriental you will accept payment for any lessons in rice. Please advise as to when I can attend your Academy and become a lethal fighting machine, feared by one and all.

Yours sincerely,


Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 12 Stephansplatz, Vienna


TO: Signor Luigi Gamboli, Cosa Nostra Haus, Vienna


DATE: 7th Octobber 1911


Dear Signor Gamboli,


I believe you are the Capo of the premier ‘family’ in Austria and are prepared to carry out jobs requiring violence for a fee. I require violence carried out on a certain Serbian gentleman and wondered what your scale of charges might be. For instance, is there a significant increase in the price charged for say removal of a lower limb to complete decapitation? Also, do you charge more if your quarry is a heavyweight
wrestler and quite handy with his fists, who might put up some resistance? I assume you send out enough of your staff to deal with most eventualities but I hope that you do not charge for hoods who, though they may attend, do not participate in the carnage.

You will gather from this that I am careful with my shillings and as a successful businessman I’m sure you will appreciate this. I also know that you Italians are great art-lovers, in which case I’m sure the remuneration I intend offering will be greatly valued.

What kind of notice would you require before commencing with the rearrangement of a Serbian’s bodily parts?

Yours sincerely,


Adolf Hitler

[Dark Saint Alaick]

FROM: Adolf Hitler, 12 Stephansplatz, Vienna TO: Bert Schmidt, Branau am Inn, Austria

DATE: 27th December 1911

Dear Berti,


You may not hear from me for a while as I plan to move house. I have outgrown these premises and it is difficult to find a place in Vienna that is large enough to accommodate my retinue of servants as well as have garage space for my fleet of motoring cars. I also plan to set up my own gallery to display my work.
It will be world renowned, of course, and will save me having to accept pathetic commission rates from so- called art dealers. It would be convenient to have all these within one building and outside the Imperial palaces I can’t think of anywhere suitable.

I am tiring of Vienna though, with its mongrel mix of races and cultures and long for the sweet, clean air of my spiritual homeland, so I may relocate to Germany. It is only there, I feel, that I can fulfil my destiny once I have convinced the populace of the efficiency of marching as a means of locomotion. Marching in step inevitably leads to thinking in step and a pliable proletariat can soon be turned to obey a superior will.

In any case, do not forget me if I am slow in corresponding. Your Buddy from Branau,
Adi